I never write an entry on here before I feel God leading me to do so. That said, I haven’t written in weeks because of that frustrating feeling of being unable to control any of this. Plus, I was busy feeling sorry for myself. Every day I wake up it is a struggle to have a positive attitude. I think that’s a struggle for everyone. How do you wake up and not immediately think of all the things you HAVE to do that day or think about things you HATE to do? Some days I think we wake up hating the alarm clocks that woke us up in the first place. So, I struggle and wrestle with my emotions and try to fight my mind from thinking “dark thoughts” every single day. I hate to admit that I fail at least 5 days out of the week. God seems to be far away from me on those days. I feel let down when I don’t automatically feel Him with me. On those days I must choose to seek Him, but I fail at doing that a lot too. The past 3 to 4 weeks I think I not only choose NOT to seek Him, but I tried to hide from Him as well. That may sound strange but I was so depressed and discouraged that I didn’t even want the encouragement that God gives me when I read the Bible or an inspirational book. Not to worry though, God forced me to get out of that mindset and seek Him. He kept subtly pushing me until finally I thought, “OKAY God, I will watch a sermon online but that’s all I’m doing!” as if I were doing Him a favor! I hope He just laughs a lot at me during those times when I think I’m in control or when I think I know what’s best for me.
So, I watched a couple of sermons and they both hit me over the head so many times! I often say God hits me on the head with a “stupid stick” meaning He will make something so clear to me that I have to be stupid to ignore Him or His will. That’s what He did with these sermons. One was about God and His promises. The pastor spoke about how even though we humans fail over and over again, God does not. He never fails and He always comes through on His promises. The pastor mentioned how God promised Abraham a son even though his wife was barren. But it didn’t happen right then. In fact, Abraham and Sarah began to doubt that God would ever come through on that promise. I think the pastor said it was about 15 to 20 years later that God finally blessed Abraham and Sarah with Isaac. That made me realize that I have been trying to force God to make me feel better faster and how I get frustrated when things are not happening in the timeline I envisioned. Just because I feel like it’s taking too long for God to heal me does not mean that God doesn’t plan on healing me at all.
The next sermon was about Job. We all know Job was a good and faithful servant. God even told Satan about his good and faithful servant, Job. Satan said Job was faithful because God had blessed him with so much - many animals, many servants, and a large family. Satan implied that it was easy for Job to be faithful basically because Job had never endured any hardships. God then allowed Satan to attack Job. Job loses his family, his servants and his animals, and yet Job still worships God. Of course Job went through unimaginable pain and was hurt deeply but he trusted that God was in control and he praised God. So then Satan attacked Job physically covering him head to toe with painful sores believing this would cause Job to turn his back on God. Satan was wrong again. In the end, Job lost everything but came out of these trials still faithful to God and God again blessed his life with many things. This sermon hit me because I understand suffering physically without understanding WHY I have to suffer. The pastor explained that Job was faithful even though he had no knowledge of WHY God was allowing him to suffer. Job had no idea that God had told Satan about Job’s faithfulness. Job didn’t know God was using him as an example of what a good and faithful servant would do given such dire circumstances. That would have changed everything. So even though Job knew nothing about the WHYS of his suffering, he still remained faithful to God. As the pastor put it – Job was hopeful during his suffering, Job was humbled during his suffering and eventually Job was healed from his suffering. I had to think on that for awhile.
I’m not a “good & faithful servant” all the time like Job was but it made me see how I should be handling this suffering. I know God stripped me of many things to humble me because I needed to be humbled. However, I need to remain hopeful in the midst of all of my suffering. I need to allow God to work in His timeline instead of trying in vain to force things to happen in my timeline. I need to trust in God every day and cling to Him instead of running away when it all seems so terribly overwhelming. So I’m working on that. Maybe I will see some major differences when I take a break from the IVs but I cannot allow myself to lose hope if that doesn’t happen. I simply have to trust that God knows best and He will be with me during all of these trials.
I know I have probably shared these verses before, but I had to share them again because of the timing of when I read them. Once again, God uses my daily calendar to lift my spirits.
The verse for yesterday, the 1 year anniversary of my IV treatments, was this:
“We also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5 (NRSV)
Then the verse for today – the day I begin another year of fighting these diseases – is this:
“But for you who revere my name the sun of righteousness shall rise, with healing in its wings.” Malachi 4:2 (NRSV)
Verses written about what good comes out of suffering and promises of healing. God is with me as I write this. Tomorrow I may feel down again, but for today God’s given me the strength to keep pressing forward, following the path He has set for my life.
Hard to believe this picture was taken almost 1 year ago. She was definitely one of the brightest parts of my treatments!
Much love to you all-
K
