Those are some hard feelings to have – anger, envy and fear. As Christians we are supposed to strive to push these thoughts and feelings from our hearts and minds. That’s such a difficult task isn’t it? It is much easier to point to others and see these things in other people. It hurts too much to see these feelings manifested in our own day to day lives. However, I believe that is one of the reasons it has taken me so long to tackle this entry. I believe God wanted me meditating on these thoughts deeply before I wrote something that might otherwise come out as merely hollow words. I believe God wants me to share my recent experiences and emotions openly and honestly and He wants me to do so in order for His lessons for me to hit home. I may write things that touch other people, but God really uses my writing to make me aware of what He wants me to learn. He always seems to reach me and teach me when I write.
Anger is something we must give over to God. It is such an ugly emotion and it will easily consume you, your thoughts and your life if you allow it. I’ve been angry about a lot of things. First thing is one that is easy to point to – a medical mix-up. Doctors, nurses, etc. are only human and therefore mistakes happen all the time. Unfortunately, this mistake was that he Heparin (my blood thinner medication) sent to me with my home health care supplies was only about 1/1,000th of the amount that I should have been getting. Another bad thing is that I was the one who had to catch the error. In my doctor’s and nurse’s defense my case is extremely difficult and I am on so many medications (IVs and orals) that it would have been a miracle had something not fallen through the cracks. I wish I had checked earlier but I ended up going for almost a month without any therapeutic levels of Heparin. I was having trouble thinking, was exhausted, felt faint, had a few seizures, couldn’t get on the computer, etc. Basically I was feeling close to how I felt before I even went to Kansas City. I knew I was feeling worse but did not know why and figured it was just the stress of handling all of the changes in handling my own IV care. When God led me to really look at the amount of Heparin I was getting versus the amount I had been getting, well, I was REALLY angry. I had basically been pushing IV antibiotics into my heart while my blood was getting thicker from the lack of Heparin. This was a big “ball to drop” and I was so very angry about it. It took days for me to calm down and I still have to ask God to take the anger from me daily. I wondered how I was supposed to keep an eye on every single thing when I’m the sick person and when I’m on so many drugs that alter the brain. I have been on the therapeutic levels of Heparin now for 4 days and can see a huge improvement in my symptoms and I thank God for making me double check the dosage amounts. But I’m also angry about the situation I am in because I have no idea of how long this will take or even what my own version of “healthy” will be. I am angry about how much I endure and how it seems to be never ending. I stop myself often and think about the countless others who have it so much worse than me and I wonder how on earth they handle their continuing battles. Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “It is not so much the suffering as the senselessness of it that is unendurable.” That says a bit about how I feel, although I know deep down that the suffering I’m enduring is the fire that God is using to melt me into the person He plans for me to become. But, at times I do think the suffering would be durable if I knew when it would come to an end. God doesn’t give me a time table though.
Anger has been with me but so has envy. I’ve found myself so very envious of other people’s lives. Ah, yes, the old familiar pity party. Honestly though, I had to get off of facebook because I was so jealous reading about everyone else’s lives. Even the things they would post and/or complain about like having to be at the ballpark for 6 hours on a Saturday because they have 2 kids playing ball would make me mad. Reading complaints about having to go to the grocery store or having to clean house would cause me to get upset. I wasn’t upset because these people didn’t have the right to “complain” about their busy schedules or their chores or errands. I was upset because I would think, “I would give anything to have the strength to clean my house right now!” and of course that nagging feeling of, “I wish I had children and had to spend a Saturday at the ballpark watching them and feeling proud.” Envy does not suit me. It is an emotion I am supposed to push out of my mind yet I found it resurfacing time and time again. I know that being a mother is the most exhausting job in the world. I know that working mothers have it really hard because I cannot fathom having the energy to work or have children so I really cannot imagine how so many of my friends do both! I love the fact that my friends are busy with their families and their lives, but the envy I was feeling made being stuck in this bed that much harder. God has been working in me and convincing me to give up those feelings along with the anger. Envy and anger go hand in hand. When you’re envious you end up being angry about everything you don’t have that others do have. I was envying other people’s lives and questioning why I was stuck in this one. I know everyone has their own burdens but I was in a selfish mode and wondered why it seemed some things came so easily for others while I couldn’t even start a family. I was angry about the IV pole sitting by my bed and the oxygen mask around my face. I was getting impatient with all of this and I was angry with God about it. I told Him how I felt and He started to work on me then wrenching away all those unwanted emotions from my mind. He’s still working and I’m still praying that those negative feelings of anger and envy find no place to live in me.
Finally there’s the fear that goes with all of this. Fear is honestly the root cause of most all other emotions. Anger is just simply fear with an attitude. It’s a way to cover up the weakness you feel when fear resides in your mind. No one wants to feel weak and people tend to see fear as a weakness so they turn it into anger. Envy is simply the fear that you don’t measure up, or that you are scared you’ll never get the true desires of your heart – in my case that would be being healthy and having children. Fear is always at the heart of anger and envy. So, in order to get rid of those two you have to figure out what your real fear is and face it head on. My fears seem to range from something as simple as fear of having another seizure to bigger fears like will I ever have a healthy life and if so, WHEN? Fear is like a cancerous tumor that can grow so fast if you don’t actively remove it from your mind and heart. Fear is the devil’s most used tool I believe. How much does he love to make us question, doubt and become fearful? Those fears often lead to our doubting God, or at least that’s where they lead me. I get angry and I start to doubt that God is going to do great things in my life or I doubt God’s will for my life. I sometimes just wonder what God’s plan for life is and get worried that it’s far from the life I had pictured for myself.
I’m working on all of these things and I pray that God continues to shine a light on what I should be focusing and turns my mind to those things when my mind really wants to throw a pity party. Jurgen Moltmann wrote, “God weeps with us so that we may one day laugh with Him.” I know God counts my every tear and disappointment. He knows what I’m feeling and thinking long before I myself am consciously aware of those things. He is not taking me through this journey without a reason. He is working on me and I have to force myself everyday to become more like clay in His hands than a stone that refuses to bend.
Finally, I think a lot of these unwanted negative feelings have come from being home and missing out of being able to socialize at all. In Kansas City I did have my sweet treatment friends and my sweet nurses who were my social outlet. For now I am stuck in this house and due to the seizures I can’t have visitors. So there’s that solitude again. I know God’s plan for my life is far better than the one I had planned out for myself – it’s just a different journey with an emphasis on different things. Mine is not the “normal life” I wanted. For now it is the difficult life I currently live. But I know one day I will look back on this time and see it as what ultimately defined my life. I have no assurances that I will have an easy life on this earth. God does not promise us an easy life here but He does promise to be with us every step of the way. L. B. Cowman wrote, “Do not be afraid to enter the cloud that is settling down on your life. God is in it. The other side is radiant with His glory.” Again, no fear…with God I need not fear anything because He is always with me.
“The joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10 (KJV)
I thought I would share the following because it spoke so much to me when I read it in one of my devotional books:
“Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee
Trust Him when they strength is so small,
Trust Him when to simply trust Him
Seems the hardest thing of all.
Trust Him, He is ever faithful;
Trust Him, for His will is best;
Trust Him, for the heart of Jesus,
Is the only place of rest.”
Anger is something we must give over to God. It is such an ugly emotion and it will easily consume you, your thoughts and your life if you allow it. I’ve been angry about a lot of things. First thing is one that is easy to point to – a medical mix-up. Doctors, nurses, etc. are only human and therefore mistakes happen all the time. Unfortunately, this mistake was that he Heparin (my blood thinner medication) sent to me with my home health care supplies was only about 1/1,000th of the amount that I should have been getting. Another bad thing is that I was the one who had to catch the error. In my doctor’s and nurse’s defense my case is extremely difficult and I am on so many medications (IVs and orals) that it would have been a miracle had something not fallen through the cracks. I wish I had checked earlier but I ended up going for almost a month without any therapeutic levels of Heparin. I was having trouble thinking, was exhausted, felt faint, had a few seizures, couldn’t get on the computer, etc. Basically I was feeling close to how I felt before I even went to Kansas City. I knew I was feeling worse but did not know why and figured it was just the stress of handling all of the changes in handling my own IV care. When God led me to really look at the amount of Heparin I was getting versus the amount I had been getting, well, I was REALLY angry. I had basically been pushing IV antibiotics into my heart while my blood was getting thicker from the lack of Heparin. This was a big “ball to drop” and I was so very angry about it. It took days for me to calm down and I still have to ask God to take the anger from me daily. I wondered how I was supposed to keep an eye on every single thing when I’m the sick person and when I’m on so many drugs that alter the brain. I have been on the therapeutic levels of Heparin now for 4 days and can see a huge improvement in my symptoms and I thank God for making me double check the dosage amounts. But I’m also angry about the situation I am in because I have no idea of how long this will take or even what my own version of “healthy” will be. I am angry about how much I endure and how it seems to be never ending. I stop myself often and think about the countless others who have it so much worse than me and I wonder how on earth they handle their continuing battles. Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “It is not so much the suffering as the senselessness of it that is unendurable.” That says a bit about how I feel, although I know deep down that the suffering I’m enduring is the fire that God is using to melt me into the person He plans for me to become. But, at times I do think the suffering would be durable if I knew when it would come to an end. God doesn’t give me a time table though.
Anger has been with me but so has envy. I’ve found myself so very envious of other people’s lives. Ah, yes, the old familiar pity party. Honestly though, I had to get off of facebook because I was so jealous reading about everyone else’s lives. Even the things they would post and/or complain about like having to be at the ballpark for 6 hours on a Saturday because they have 2 kids playing ball would make me mad. Reading complaints about having to go to the grocery store or having to clean house would cause me to get upset. I wasn’t upset because these people didn’t have the right to “complain” about their busy schedules or their chores or errands. I was upset because I would think, “I would give anything to have the strength to clean my house right now!” and of course that nagging feeling of, “I wish I had children and had to spend a Saturday at the ballpark watching them and feeling proud.” Envy does not suit me. It is an emotion I am supposed to push out of my mind yet I found it resurfacing time and time again. I know that being a mother is the most exhausting job in the world. I know that working mothers have it really hard because I cannot fathom having the energy to work or have children so I really cannot imagine how so many of my friends do both! I love the fact that my friends are busy with their families and their lives, but the envy I was feeling made being stuck in this bed that much harder. God has been working in me and convincing me to give up those feelings along with the anger. Envy and anger go hand in hand. When you’re envious you end up being angry about everything you don’t have that others do have. I was envying other people’s lives and questioning why I was stuck in this one. I know everyone has their own burdens but I was in a selfish mode and wondered why it seemed some things came so easily for others while I couldn’t even start a family. I was angry about the IV pole sitting by my bed and the oxygen mask around my face. I was getting impatient with all of this and I was angry with God about it. I told Him how I felt and He started to work on me then wrenching away all those unwanted emotions from my mind. He’s still working and I’m still praying that those negative feelings of anger and envy find no place to live in me.
Finally there’s the fear that goes with all of this. Fear is honestly the root cause of most all other emotions. Anger is just simply fear with an attitude. It’s a way to cover up the weakness you feel when fear resides in your mind. No one wants to feel weak and people tend to see fear as a weakness so they turn it into anger. Envy is simply the fear that you don’t measure up, or that you are scared you’ll never get the true desires of your heart – in my case that would be being healthy and having children. Fear is always at the heart of anger and envy. So, in order to get rid of those two you have to figure out what your real fear is and face it head on. My fears seem to range from something as simple as fear of having another seizure to bigger fears like will I ever have a healthy life and if so, WHEN? Fear is like a cancerous tumor that can grow so fast if you don’t actively remove it from your mind and heart. Fear is the devil’s most used tool I believe. How much does he love to make us question, doubt and become fearful? Those fears often lead to our doubting God, or at least that’s where they lead me. I get angry and I start to doubt that God is going to do great things in my life or I doubt God’s will for my life. I sometimes just wonder what God’s plan for life is and get worried that it’s far from the life I had pictured for myself.
I’m working on all of these things and I pray that God continues to shine a light on what I should be focusing and turns my mind to those things when my mind really wants to throw a pity party. Jurgen Moltmann wrote, “God weeps with us so that we may one day laugh with Him.” I know God counts my every tear and disappointment. He knows what I’m feeling and thinking long before I myself am consciously aware of those things. He is not taking me through this journey without a reason. He is working on me and I have to force myself everyday to become more like clay in His hands than a stone that refuses to bend.
Finally, I think a lot of these unwanted negative feelings have come from being home and missing out of being able to socialize at all. In Kansas City I did have my sweet treatment friends and my sweet nurses who were my social outlet. For now I am stuck in this house and due to the seizures I can’t have visitors. So there’s that solitude again. I know God’s plan for my life is far better than the one I had planned out for myself – it’s just a different journey with an emphasis on different things. Mine is not the “normal life” I wanted. For now it is the difficult life I currently live. But I know one day I will look back on this time and see it as what ultimately defined my life. I have no assurances that I will have an easy life on this earth. God does not promise us an easy life here but He does promise to be with us every step of the way. L. B. Cowman wrote, “Do not be afraid to enter the cloud that is settling down on your life. God is in it. The other side is radiant with His glory.” Again, no fear…with God I need not fear anything because He is always with me.
“The joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10 (KJV)
I thought I would share the following because it spoke so much to me when I read it in one of my devotional books:
“Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee
Trust Him when they strength is so small,
Trust Him when to simply trust Him
Seems the hardest thing of all.
Trust Him, He is ever faithful;
Trust Him, for His will is best;
Trust Him, for the heart of Jesus,
Is the only place of rest.”
Finally, I’ll end with this wonderful verse:
“And the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces.” Isaiah 25:8 (KJV)
He’s already wiping some of mine. Much love to all of you!
K
“And the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces.” Isaiah 25:8 (KJV)
He’s already wiping some of mine. Much love to all of you!
K
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