My prayer to God today

I normally don't post my prayers. In fact, I rarely type out my prayers. But today, God made me see that by typing out my prayer I could focus more. Basically, I would be less likely to have my thoughts wander off, as mine are apt to do when I pray. So here it is. No editing - just a prayer:

Dear Lord,

Prayers to You should start with praise and I have much to praise You for. There for awhile I was beginning to remember what a “normal” life felt like. I was blessed with the ability to take care of my husband after his shoulder surgery. I was able to cook and clean and I felt like I was lifting burdens off of my husband’s shoulders. That felt wonderful. I praise You for all of those special moments. I praise You for showing me what everyday “miracles” are – the ability to do things I once complained so much about – like going to the grocery store, cooking, doing laundry. I saw such progress in such a short amount of time and I was beginning to taste what my future might hold for me in regards to my health. I thank You for giving me that time and for giving me a husband that understood when that strength left and I was battling everything so hard again. I thank You for sending me a man who knows my struggles and simply jumps in to take care of whatever is needed without so much as a sideways glance to make me feel badly about being too sick to do things anymore. I have many praises for You, Lord. I praise You for mine and my husband’s parents who try to do all they can for us and who constantly keep us covered in prayer. I praise You for the friends I have that keep me in their prayers as well. I even thank You for the friends You have removed from my life during this tumultuous time because they proved themselves to not be “true friends”. I thank You for the people who stepped up to be my “true friends” – some being friends I hadn’t spoken to in years, others being new friends I made during my time in Kansas City. Old or new – the one thing that my newly created circle of friends has in common is a thriving love for You and a desire to know You more, to love You more. They have lifted me up with Your word so many times. When I was low, You gave them the words to say, the messages to send that lifted me up out of the darkest of pits. You used so many people in so many different ways to touch my life and I am truly thankful and now realizing how humbled I should be that You would do all of this for me.

Now, I must confess several things that I haven’t done well. I confess that I constantly try to guess at what Your plans for my life are and how I can get to the “good parts” faster. I do not know what plans You have in store for my life, so I need to stop questioning. I confess that I frustrate myself daily when I realize what little time I have allotted for You on some days. I am confounded by the fact that I don’t continually keep my focus on You because it is on those days that I see and feel the miracles You are working in my life. I look back on journal entries and am astounded at how many times You carried me through dire circumstances and You kept fear from my heart as You did so. I confess that I get angry about where I find myself at times – physically, mentally, and especially spiritually. I confess that many times that anger is directed at You. I lay here thinking, “He could so easily heal me. Doesn’t He think I have learned enough from these years of living through my own personal hell? Why does He continue to carry me through horrible times when He could just stop allowing the horrible times to happen?” I have so many questions but You are the only one with the true answers and they are answers I may never know until I reach Heaven.

Just over a month ago I was seeing that promising “light at the end of the tunnel” and I was so happy. My heart overflowed with joy and I couldn’t stop seeing “little miracles” everywhere I looked. Doing laundry felt so good, washing dishes and cooking seemed like mountains I had finally climbed. Going out into the world was more like a dream come true and I saw that there was more of a “life” ahead of me than I had expected.

Then things went downhill again. My Babesia flared and that is the one that really changes my mood. It creates mood swings that happen so fast my own head spins. I feel like it is during those flares that I find myself not embracing You, but rather avoiding You because I feel let down and angry. I confess that is not the way I should behave and I acknowledge how very often I find myself doing it anyway. I have cried out to You from the depths of my soul and I take refuge in the fact that You hear those cries – You hear them and do not shut them out. It shouldn’t be that I cry out to You only on my “worst” days, but that I should cry out to You every day. I should sing praises to You for all you have done and simply trust in the plan that You laid out for my life before I was even born. Lord, I want my circumstances to change, but I am unsure as to what You want me to do in order to change them, or what I must figure out how to do in order to move through this oppressing sickness and life of bedridden solitude. I pray about medication and treatment plan changes. I constantly question if I am doing the right thing. I pray that I am only following where You lead me in this battle. The hardest part about this battle is that these diseases manifest differently in every patient and every patient reacts differently to every drug. What works for some may do absolutely nothing for others. That’s where the FEAR comes in – that’s where Satan does his best work – by confusing , which leads to fear, which leads to doubt in each and every decision I make.

Lord, clear out the confusion from my mind and allow me to feel where You are leading me in my life. Give me the strength to continue this fight and the knowledge of what move to make next. Give me the courage to go wherever You may lead me, even if it’s scary or full of fear – let me put my WHOLE TRUST in You. Work on me and in me, Lord, and give me peace where there is worry, patience where there is doubt, and love where there is overwhelming sadness. Allow me to feel the fullness of Your Spirit in me and to follow You in all that I do – even if the steps I make have to be made in blind faith.

I love and adore You Lord, and I know to put my full faith and trust in You. But, I have to ask that You continue to give me the strength to do exactly that as each day presents its’ own trials and heartache.

In Jesus’ holy name,
Amen

Thanks to all of you out there who are praying for me. Please keep me in your prayers as the past few weeks have been so hard. My blood pressure is staying low so I'm in the bed a lot. Also, my body aches painfully because of being stuck in this bed. I can take the physical part much easier than I can the mental symptoms. I can become completely irrational, then cry for no reason, then get angry to the point where I throw things, then cry again because I see just how irrational and crazy I'm acting. It's like I don't have control of my emotions, or even my entire brain for that matter. This too shall pass. God's gotten me through much worse and I trust His plan will lead me out of this rough patch as well. I am just so ready to have a "grocery store outing" kind of day. I look forward to my next one!

Much love to you all!
K