Frustration versus faith...

I get frustrated about what my life has been like over the past 2 years. I find myself questioning God a lot about the "whys" and "whens" and I don't seem to find answers. I watched a sermon online this week that reminded me of something important - God is sovereign over ALL things. I already knew that, but I needed to be reminded and maybe I need to focus on that more every day. I need to remember that if I believe that God is sovereign over ALL things, then I should trust that what I'm going through is necessary for God's plan. I cannot understand God's ways because I cannot see things as God does. We often search for answers in the midst of trials and heartache - answers that we try to cling to in order to get through those things. I know that for the past 2 years I have told myself that God's had me go through this in order to mold me into the person He wants me to be, and I believe that's true. I would also add on that without going through all of this, well, I know I wouldn't be as close to God. Our relationship wouldn't be the same. But my relationship with God is different because in the end, I always choose to believe in God's plan and to do that I have to have faith in God's Word.

And while I can point to how my circumstances have lead me closer to God, the sermon I watched reminded me that I don't know the answers to WHY I'm going through this, and honestly, I don't need to know WHY. I have to trust God for WHY I'm going through this. As we grow older we can look back on certain times in our lives and see the benefits buried in bad times a little clearer. Can you think back and see that experiencing a heartache or a disappointment was necessary to shape you into a better person? Probably so. Of course, we might have experiences that left us bitter or angry. If we're honest, we would probably see that we have both. I believe the difference in whether we come out bitter or better is up to us. I think it comes down to our faith and trust in God. If we only sit back and think about how bad we have it, or how hard things are, we WILL become bitter. However, if we trust in God and have faith that even the worst times of our lives are part of God's plan for us, we can come out of hard times as a better person.

The Bible tells us that God's plans are for us to prosper and to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). That doesn't mean every day is going to be wonderful for us. I have had to grasp that in order for us to prosper and have hope, we have to trust in God completely. Easy to say, VERY hard to do. And I have to state the fact that our worldly view of the word prosper does not have the same meaning as the biblical meaning. To prosper may not mean complete healing, or financial windfalls, or even less stress. It may be that God's definition of prosper means our continuing to grow closer in our relationship with Him. Very often it takes hard times and painful experiences for us to truly come to God because frankly, we've tried everything WE can do and nothing has worked. We then throw everything to God and pray for Him to make a masterpiece out of the mess we hand Him.

Each time God gets me through a really rough time I make the mistake of thinking, "Well, nothing can be as hard as that was!" WRONG - things can be worse, but the difference is that if and when things DO get worse, my faith has gotten stronger so I trust God to get me through AGAIN. And HE DOES! So, I've been sitting here thinking about my life, my problems, my worries, and once again I have to realize that handing things over to God isn't the only thing I can do - it's the only thing I should do.

Now, for my health issues. Things are getting better slowly I think. I've "tweaked" my medications - how much I take, when I take them - to try and keep myself from staying so terribly exhausted. The Rifampin is going to make me tired, but timing my other meds around it differently seems to help some. The other physical symptoms I deal with are extreme nerve pain (esp. from my neck to my back), overall body pain, and not getting enough oxygen. I'm not back on oxygen every day thankfully, but I need it more right now than I had. The neurological symptoms I'm fighting are mental confusion, difficulty processing new information, changes in my routine, inability to focus on anything (even simple conversations sometimes), and mood changes. Treatment often causes some symptoms to flare and for now my back pain and inability to think clearly are the most troublesome. I know people read this, especially my Lyme friends who deal with the same symptoms, and think, "She doesn't have too much trouble thinking clearly or she wouldn't be able to write this!" However, I must remind everyone now that when I get a message out clearly these days, it's because GREAT effort and a lot of time have been put into writing it. Also, writing has always been what I loved to do and anyone who knows me well would tell you I talk all the time :) Although if you read this you probably already figured that out from my long, rambling posts! But whenever something comes out clearly I think it's God allowing it to happen.

I do think we have hit upon a BIG thing that may help tremendously. I know I've explained that my red blood cell count is always low and so is my hemoglobin and hematocrit. Red blood cells carry oxygen and hemoglobin is actually the protein molecule in the red blood cell that carries the oxygen. Hematocrit is the proportion of blood, by volume, that consists of red blood cells. Now, for the past 20 months I have had weekly blood work done and every week those three things are low. We had been under the impression that I was dealing with iron deficiency anemia (there are several types of anemia) and I was put on iron supplements but somehow the numbers never got better. When I came to my doctor here in town he saw that my B12 was low - which we've known for a long time - and he suggested I go on a B Vitamin complex. Of course, at that time our first concern was how to stop, or slow down, my seizures so we didn't get around to the B Vitamin complex until this fall when the siezures had improved. I tried to take the B Vitamins but they would make me feel nauseated, so I stopped. Then we dealt with the whole gallbladder issue and I thought perhaps that was the real reason I had felt sick on the B Vitamin. So, I tried again in December but no change. When I saw the doctor in January I happened to remember to tell him about it. He said we would try B12 injections. First we were to do weekly injections, but he said if I could feel a difference that I could give them daily. I did feel a difference after the first few shots so I started daily injections and this week, for the FIRST time in 20 months, my red blood cell count, hemoglobin AND hematocrit levels were all inside the normal range. B12 is essential to the production of red blood cells and since red blood cells are what carry oxygen around and lack of oxygen is a big reason I stay exhausted - well, you can imagine how happy I am about what this could mean for me. We're not sure if I'm just low in B12 or if I have pernicious anemia which occurs when the stomach doesn't produce the protein that binds with B12 so it can be properly absorbed in the small intestine. If that's the case then B12 injections will be a life long thing. But, for now, that's not the issue - we just need to get my levels up and see if my symptoms improve.

That's my big news and hopefully over the next few weeks we'll also see the shape of my red blood cells come back into the normal range. Mine are too large and are misshaped so they don't work as efficiently as they should. This could mean a lot towards me having more energy which means I might be able to try getting out in the world again. For now just walking to the kitchen is tiring. But through all of this I will trust that God leads me as we continue forward in my treatment. I know that He planted the question about Vitamin B12 in my head to ask the doctor because it wasn't on my list of things to talk about with him! Although it's hard to have improvements come so slowly and I want to be able to jump out of bed and get back into a normal life, well, my body couldn't handle that. I think that's where trusting God comes in. I have to trust that God isn't just leading me through the tough times, but that He has the exact timing of my healing and improvements mapped out! He is always working in my life - even though there are so many times when I can't see it or feel it. It's hard to be frustrated all of the time and I have felt that way a lot lately so I want to change it. I have just found that the best way to get rid of that frustration is to refocus on my faith in God.

Thank you all for continuing to keep me in your prayers and know that God hears those prayers! He is working in all of our lives ALL of the time!

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Lord, let your constant love surround us, for our hopes are in you alone." Psalm 33:22

Much love to you all!
K