Feeling His love on Valentine's Day

I hope you all had a happy Valentine's Day. It was my first one away from my sweet, M, but we're experiencing a lot of "firsts" throughout all of this. He did send pretty flowers and nice chocolates and that was unexpected and very appreciated. Mom and I have enjoyed having the pretty flowers around since looking out the window just means seeing more snow! It snowed here again today and I've decided that M could never talk me into living somewhere that snow is a "regular occurrence"! I feel like I live in a snow globe and just when it looks like it's about to melt away, someone shakes it up and the snow comes down again!

As for the medical side of things I have been seizure free for a month, as of last Wednesday! YAY and THANK YOU DEAR LORD!!! I still have to be very careful and one of the anti-seizure meds has been doubled but I'm not scared that I am going to have one every afternoon like I had been before! The new antibiotic is working on killing off more "bugs" and it has made me more tired than the Doxy did. Of course, the anti-seizure medication can do that as well but definitely the combination is making me exhausted. Bad thing is that even when I sleep I'm not able to go into "deep sleep" but I'm napping more and falling asleep earlier at night and I know my body needs that!

I saw the doctor Thursday for a "check & see how I'm doing" visit. We were supposed to have a full meeting, but she came into the treatment room and I was in some pain and running a fever. I have a kidney stone, I know - big shock, huh? haha. But that afternoon I had shown mom where my rib cage was sticking out further on the left side than the right and I was having pain there. I knew my spleen was swollen and when I showed the doctor the decision was made for me to skip taking Mepron on Saturday (that's the anti-malarial liquid medication I take once every 5 days to help kill the Babesia). The swelling in my spleen is from toxin build up which is good because it means we're killing stuff off! It hurts, but at least I know the pain is actually progress. I'm supposed to keep my feet elevated to help alleviate the pressure but then it's just a waiting game for the toxins to be flushed out of my body. I try to see the fever as a good sign as well. I pray that it's proof of my immune system trying to fight some of this stuff. The fever makes me feel pretty rotten, but I can take feeling rotten if I know there's progress being made and I do feel that! Praise the Lord, I do feel like I can finally see and even feel progress in my body! Now, the kidney stone pain is just icing on the cake - ha! Actually, that is a pain I'm used to having and as much as I hate pain medication, the doctor wanted me on some in order to not wear my body out from pain or weaken myself trying to pass a stone without medication. I'm taking some pain medication and along with all the other meds I do feel a little overwhelmed. My mom says the amount of medication I take would put her out of commission for weeks, but I'm so very thankful to God that my body can handle this much medication!

I do hate taking pain medication though because it can make me feel down and depressed. Of course, so many of my prescription medications (like the anti-seizure medications, the muscle relaxer, the IV Benadryl, etc.) are "downers". Add another one to the list and it's easy to see why I might feel low! It's hard to feel that way but I know for now I'm doing what I can to help my body. I also know God understands everything I am going through and how my system reacts to all these medications. He is still with me through the low times and it is always then that He seems to point out things to lift my spirits. When I realized I had another stone my first thought was, "When it rains, it pours!" and then I realized what a stupid saying that is. I had the idea of changing it to "When it rains, learn how to dance in it and be thankful you aren't in a drought!"

I know that I am "allowed" to have bad days when I feel depressed and I don't expect, nor am I capable, of handling this all without having a day where I want to cry, or scream, or just pull my hair out. I am only human and those are human emotions and reactions. However, I am very grateful that God allows me to see my "lows" as normal but also that He immediately allows me to recognize feeling depressed as a side effect of all the medications. That is important because He is allowing me to view this all as "temporary" instead of feeling like there will be no end to my misery or suffering. I know He gives me the eyes to see things, both good and bad, as part of His master plan for my life. I cling to that plan, to His love and promises more than anything else when things get to be a bit too overwhelming for me. I envision what plans He has for my life when I am at home and regaining my health. I try to keep my focus on what He is teaching me through all of this and every time I think on it, I get the same answer - FAITH. He's teaching me to put all of my trust in Him because to place it elsewhere is where I was going wrong for years. I loved God, I knew He had a plan for me, but I felt like I was the one in control of my life. I was so hard headed about this that it has taken me being stripped of so many things to see what God intended for me to learn - that without Him I cannot do anything. It's been such a hard lesson, but one I wouldn't trade for the world. I pray that I never go back to thinking I can do things "on my own", but I'm human. We humans just have a hard time with clinging to God and praying for His will consistently. It's easy for me to cling to God now when I need Him so badly. But as a human, I know that when things are going well in my life, maybe when I am finally healthy, I will likely fail in clinging to Him every single day. I pray often that He will keep my eyes focused on Him at all times, instead of only when life gets to be "too much"! I also pray that if I am able to become a "healthy person" that I do not take a single day of that for granted, but I suspect I will. God is training me for many things right now and I think one of the big lessons I am to learn is that I must cling to Him not just every day, but every moment of every day. I pray that I learn how to do that consistently.

I pray that we all learn to not just thank God for the good things, or run to God when the bad things appear, but that we continually seek God's presence in our lives every moment. I pray that even when we fail, as all humans do, that we pick ourselves back up and remember it is by His grace that we are saved, not by our own works! How very thankful I am for that because if I had to count on my "works" for my salvation I'm afraid I would come up quite short!!! So, thank you God for being with me and showing me how to view a swollen spleen and fevers as progress. Thank you for allowing me to see my own faults and flaws and to know that you love me in spite of all of them (and there are quite a lot I must say)! I want to praise You in every thing I do and I know that I will fall short, but I pray You will show me where and when I fail. That with every failure You will teach me even more how to shine Your light and love on every one I encounter. I pray that You will guide me and show me the way to live my life following the path You have set before me. I am weak right now, and I may have a long road ahead of me before I "get well", but I am so thankful for the strength You give me that allows me to keep on going. Without You, without Your love, without Your guidance, without Your continual forgiveness of my many sins, I would be nothing. I want to be well, I long to be healthy, but You are teaching me to long even more for YOUR will and not my own and I am thankful for that as well.

I pray you all have had a blessed Valentine's Day. I know many people who get depressed around this "holiday" because they don't have a "special someone". I remember feeling the same way if I did not have a boyfriend to celebrate this day with. However, with my precious M having to be away from me this Valentine's Day, I feel God has shown me that I spent my day with a very "special someone" - I spent it with HIM! His love is never ending and all consuming and I have come to learn how to love Him with a passion in my heart that I never had before. I guess we should all realize that everyone's true Valentine is God Himself.

"May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else."
1 Thessalonians 3:12 (NIV)

Happy Valentine's Day to you all! Much love!
K