C. S. Lewis wrote, “Joy is the serious business of heaven.” He’s right. We are all supposed to long for the day we will be with God in heaven and be surrounded by and full of JOY! So I started thinking about what we do every day while we are here on this earth. I realized that, at least in my case, I don’t feel joyful. I don’t wake up feeling joy. I wake up and think, “I don’t want to get out of bed.” We all probably wake up thinking of all the “bad stuff” we HAVE to do that day. All the errands, the day to day grind, all the "to do lists" - those are what we think about when we wake up. Or at least I assume that’s what most of us do. I thought about how we focus on the negatives of the day instead of the positives. We don’t wake up thanking God for giving us yet another day to spread His love and to feel JOYFUL! In fact, I think joy is the furthest emotion from my heart upon waking up each day.
These thoughts hit me hard. Why is it so very hard for us to be joyful? Why do we fail to see all the positives of a new day? Why do we not thank God for another chance to work on becoming more like the person He planned for us to be? Personally I have found myself in a “poor pitiful me” state as of late. Treatments are hard. Getting to the treatment center every morning at 6:40 a.m. and every afternoon at 3:20 p.m. is so hard. There are no breaks except for all the cancelled sessions we’ve had due to snow and ice. That’s another thing – the weather is horrid and has me in a down mood. I go to treatment most mornings and the temperature ranges anywhere from 10 below zero to a balmy 20 something degrees (note the sarcasm when I say “balmy”). As I write this it is 12 degrees outside and it’s already 11:00 a.m.! All of this is hard but the drugs are especially hard on my body and my mind, or at least my mental state! I haven’t gained any weight and I stay exhausted. I have to take so many anti-seizure drugs that are mood altering drugs and “downers”. Add to that the 200 mgs of IV Benadryl I take every day, the muscle relaxer, the MANY supplements, the anti-malarial drug for the Babesia, and the antibiotics (IV and oral) and it adds up to a body that is overwhelmed with medication and overwhelmed with such a strict schedule. Yesterday I woke up mad at the world because I HATE all of this. I hate it with a passion and I know that is a natural reaction after 8 months of treatment, 8 months of being away from my family and friends, 8 months of being in an “unreal situation” – one I never thought would one day be my daily life!
So yesterday I started to write this entry. It was yesterday morning during treatment that I began to wonder how I could come to hate something I prayed for so diligently. I prayed God would get me to this clinic and they would treat me. My prayer was answered. Here I am being treated and yet now my prayer changes yet again and I want to “GO HOME”. I cannot fathom how God deals with us humans! Here He has answered my prayer of desperation and I feel like I have become ungrateful for His answer. I feel like a spoiled child who cried for a new toy just to be done with it the next day. I feel guilty for not appreciating being here. I feel so unworthy of His love and grace – but He knows that. He knows it all. He understands my “lack of joy” over my current situation. Even though I rant and cry out, He knows that I do understand I am where I must be for now, no matter how hard it is. This is not forever, it is only a temporary situation, and He reminds me of that. He reminds me of His love. I have to stop and focus on Him and within minutes I feel humbled and undeserving of His continual presence in my life. When I focus on Him my problems seem to evaporate. I just have to remind myself to focus on Him when everything else seems to be falling apart. When I myself seem to be falling apart I must get on my knees and cry out to Him. He is always there, always with me, always watching over me and if I can get over own issues, if I can just stop focusing on the negatives, I can feel Him there with me. I cannot explain the sense of peace, calm and love that surrounds me when I feel His presence. Yet I must SEEK HIM in order to feel that peace. It’s so easy to look around me and find a million things to complain about, but what we all need to do is to refocus our vision so that our eyes are on HIM! I struggle with that every single day. I fail miserably so many times, but He graciously grants me another day to try again. He understands all of this and He carries me through in these times of trouble, but only if I put my full faith and trust in Him. That’s hard to do isn’t it? To give everything over to God every single day is not an easy task for us mere mortals.
After treatment I came home and ran across that quote from C. S. Lewis and I thought, “K, there is JOY in your heart because you are one of God’s children. He GIVES you JOY if you will stop long enough to receive it!” It was no accident that I flipped through a book and found myself staring at that quote about joy. It was God sending me yet another reminder that I must SEEK HIM. I must seek Him in order to receive the JOY He provides me with. From that JOY comes strength, peace, and contentment. Paul wrote about being content no matter the circumstances he found himself in. He was content when he was in plenty or in want and wrote he was content in sickness or in health because he found his contentment in GOD!
So I started to figure out a way to seek God, to force myself to find JOY in the midst of all of this. There is joy in treatment. There is the joy of friends who understand what you are going through. There is the joy of nurses who care so much for you and work so hard to do whatever they can to make you feel better. There is joy in the fact that God led me to this doctor who knows what is wrong with my body and is working on fixing it. I have to realize that there is no “cure” for Lyme disease, Bartonella, Babesia, etc. These “bugs” will live in my body forever but this treatment is knocking them down enough for me to feel better, to have a healthier life. I will probably never know “healthy” as defined by normal people’s standards. However, I will know I am healthier than I was by far. God can do anything and I never doubt that. He could kill all these infections in my body and He may very well do just that. However, if He does not that is not indicative of Him not loving me. It is just the path He has chosen for my life on this earth. I say treatment is a temporary situation and it is, but our earthly lives are also “temporary”. God said we would have troubles in this world but we can face those troubles with JOY if we focus on the fact that God is ever present by our side. With God anything and everything is possible. Sunday I came home from treatment and cried out to God that I could not handle this anymore. Within just a few days He reminded me that I might not be able to handle this, but He can handle it for me. That is a joyful fact. That is a fact that makes my heart full of joy.
Now my goal is to wake up every day and not get out of my bed until I thank God for giving me another day on this earth and to thank Him for the JOY He has placed in my heart. I know there will be many days that I fail to do that, but I am going to lean on God to help me to find the joy of His love in my everyday life. I can be joyful in this situation because God is with me and therefore who (or moreover “what” in this situation) can be against me? The devil loves to rob us of our joy. The devil feeds on our negative thoughts and bad attitudes and we have to put our feet down and tell the devil that he CANNOT steal our joy because God granted it to us and all we have to do is claim it!
“Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” Psalm 124:8 (NRSV)
“God rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6 (NIV)
“Isn’t everything you have and everything you are sheer gifts from God? You already have all you need.” 1 Corinthians 4:7, 8 (MSG)
Find joy in all you do my friends. It may be hard some days but that is when we have to remember that our help IS in the name of the Lord, that God rewards those who earnestly SEEK him, and that we do have all that we need if we have a close relationship with God! I pray we all find JOY!!! God wants us to be joyful – so claim joy every day! If you do I can guarantee that your outlook on life will change because God will change it. We just have to ask that He give us all new eyes to see that we can have joy in the midst of all of our “earthly troubles”. BE JOYFUL IN EVERYTHING YOU DO!!! Let people see love and joy overflowing from you! I pray for strength, for perseverance, for patience, and now I pray for JOY!
Oh, and this is a webcam shot I took of myself yesterday. No makeup, no shower, but thanks be to God - there is some JOY in there :)
These thoughts hit me hard. Why is it so very hard for us to be joyful? Why do we fail to see all the positives of a new day? Why do we not thank God for another chance to work on becoming more like the person He planned for us to be? Personally I have found myself in a “poor pitiful me” state as of late. Treatments are hard. Getting to the treatment center every morning at 6:40 a.m. and every afternoon at 3:20 p.m. is so hard. There are no breaks except for all the cancelled sessions we’ve had due to snow and ice. That’s another thing – the weather is horrid and has me in a down mood. I go to treatment most mornings and the temperature ranges anywhere from 10 below zero to a balmy 20 something degrees (note the sarcasm when I say “balmy”). As I write this it is 12 degrees outside and it’s already 11:00 a.m.! All of this is hard but the drugs are especially hard on my body and my mind, or at least my mental state! I haven’t gained any weight and I stay exhausted. I have to take so many anti-seizure drugs that are mood altering drugs and “downers”. Add to that the 200 mgs of IV Benadryl I take every day, the muscle relaxer, the MANY supplements, the anti-malarial drug for the Babesia, and the antibiotics (IV and oral) and it adds up to a body that is overwhelmed with medication and overwhelmed with such a strict schedule. Yesterday I woke up mad at the world because I HATE all of this. I hate it with a passion and I know that is a natural reaction after 8 months of treatment, 8 months of being away from my family and friends, 8 months of being in an “unreal situation” – one I never thought would one day be my daily life!
So yesterday I started to write this entry. It was yesterday morning during treatment that I began to wonder how I could come to hate something I prayed for so diligently. I prayed God would get me to this clinic and they would treat me. My prayer was answered. Here I am being treated and yet now my prayer changes yet again and I want to “GO HOME”. I cannot fathom how God deals with us humans! Here He has answered my prayer of desperation and I feel like I have become ungrateful for His answer. I feel like a spoiled child who cried for a new toy just to be done with it the next day. I feel guilty for not appreciating being here. I feel so unworthy of His love and grace – but He knows that. He knows it all. He understands my “lack of joy” over my current situation. Even though I rant and cry out, He knows that I do understand I am where I must be for now, no matter how hard it is. This is not forever, it is only a temporary situation, and He reminds me of that. He reminds me of His love. I have to stop and focus on Him and within minutes I feel humbled and undeserving of His continual presence in my life. When I focus on Him my problems seem to evaporate. I just have to remind myself to focus on Him when everything else seems to be falling apart. When I myself seem to be falling apart I must get on my knees and cry out to Him. He is always there, always with me, always watching over me and if I can get over own issues, if I can just stop focusing on the negatives, I can feel Him there with me. I cannot explain the sense of peace, calm and love that surrounds me when I feel His presence. Yet I must SEEK HIM in order to feel that peace. It’s so easy to look around me and find a million things to complain about, but what we all need to do is to refocus our vision so that our eyes are on HIM! I struggle with that every single day. I fail miserably so many times, but He graciously grants me another day to try again. He understands all of this and He carries me through in these times of trouble, but only if I put my full faith and trust in Him. That’s hard to do isn’t it? To give everything over to God every single day is not an easy task for us mere mortals.
After treatment I came home and ran across that quote from C. S. Lewis and I thought, “K, there is JOY in your heart because you are one of God’s children. He GIVES you JOY if you will stop long enough to receive it!” It was no accident that I flipped through a book and found myself staring at that quote about joy. It was God sending me yet another reminder that I must SEEK HIM. I must seek Him in order to receive the JOY He provides me with. From that JOY comes strength, peace, and contentment. Paul wrote about being content no matter the circumstances he found himself in. He was content when he was in plenty or in want and wrote he was content in sickness or in health because he found his contentment in GOD!
So I started to figure out a way to seek God, to force myself to find JOY in the midst of all of this. There is joy in treatment. There is the joy of friends who understand what you are going through. There is the joy of nurses who care so much for you and work so hard to do whatever they can to make you feel better. There is joy in the fact that God led me to this doctor who knows what is wrong with my body and is working on fixing it. I have to realize that there is no “cure” for Lyme disease, Bartonella, Babesia, etc. These “bugs” will live in my body forever but this treatment is knocking them down enough for me to feel better, to have a healthier life. I will probably never know “healthy” as defined by normal people’s standards. However, I will know I am healthier than I was by far. God can do anything and I never doubt that. He could kill all these infections in my body and He may very well do just that. However, if He does not that is not indicative of Him not loving me. It is just the path He has chosen for my life on this earth. I say treatment is a temporary situation and it is, but our earthly lives are also “temporary”. God said we would have troubles in this world but we can face those troubles with JOY if we focus on the fact that God is ever present by our side. With God anything and everything is possible. Sunday I came home from treatment and cried out to God that I could not handle this anymore. Within just a few days He reminded me that I might not be able to handle this, but He can handle it for me. That is a joyful fact. That is a fact that makes my heart full of joy.
Now my goal is to wake up every day and not get out of my bed until I thank God for giving me another day on this earth and to thank Him for the JOY He has placed in my heart. I know there will be many days that I fail to do that, but I am going to lean on God to help me to find the joy of His love in my everyday life. I can be joyful in this situation because God is with me and therefore who (or moreover “what” in this situation) can be against me? The devil loves to rob us of our joy. The devil feeds on our negative thoughts and bad attitudes and we have to put our feet down and tell the devil that he CANNOT steal our joy because God granted it to us and all we have to do is claim it!
“Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” Psalm 124:8 (NRSV)
“God rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6 (NIV)
“Isn’t everything you have and everything you are sheer gifts from God? You already have all you need.” 1 Corinthians 4:7, 8 (MSG)
Find joy in all you do my friends. It may be hard some days but that is when we have to remember that our help IS in the name of the Lord, that God rewards those who earnestly SEEK him, and that we do have all that we need if we have a close relationship with God! I pray we all find JOY!!! God wants us to be joyful – so claim joy every day! If you do I can guarantee that your outlook on life will change because God will change it. We just have to ask that He give us all new eyes to see that we can have joy in the midst of all of our “earthly troubles”. BE JOYFUL IN EVERYTHING YOU DO!!! Let people see love and joy overflowing from you! I pray for strength, for perseverance, for patience, and now I pray for JOY!
Oh, and this is a webcam shot I took of myself yesterday. No makeup, no shower, but thanks be to God - there is some JOY in there :)
Much love to you all!
K
K
2 comments:
Hey,
Well, God continues to use you in so many ways. Today is my bday and I am turning the big 3-0. It has always been my "scary age" (scary-er than I ever thought with Lyme LOL JK) because I figured I would have my life together by now. But nope, God has other plans!!!
I am single and living back at home with my mom the past 3 years....oh and I was diagnosed with Lyme last May and might be starting IV treatements soon. Not exactly where I wanted to be by the age of 30. Funny how "our plans" mean nothing when we realize God's plans are where our focus should be...
SOOOO my point is I woke up depressed about this day because I don't have any friends, I can't do any "fun" birthday things. I am just sitting here having a pitty party crying over this day. But I read your post and it reminded me how blessed I am and that I should be joyful. WOW I made it another year! That is a blessing! I finally got the diagnosis I had been searching/praying for the past 18 years. That is a blessing! And I finally have a new awesome LLMD so that is exciting and he is such a blessing.
SO once again God has used you to show me that I need to re-focus and see the joy in my life. Thank you!
I hope you are getting better. Keep taking it one day at a time. May God Bless YOU and bring you a new level of JOY you never knew was possible :)
So I am switching from my sad country music to JOYFUL christian music RIGHT NOW :) LOL music= another source of JOY!
much love,
Julie
That is so ironic that you posted so much about "joy" as you saw I was in my "poor me" state this morning...anyway, I thought a while back about the same thing and came to these conclusions. Some I had been reminded of in the past and some were my own.
I'm happy to wake up to a horribly messy home after a night of guests, it means HE has blessed me with friends.
I'm thankful to have to lug huge amounts of groceries up the stairs - it means we have food on our plates to eat.
I'm gracios that I have a huge pile of dirty laundry. It reminds me again that HE has provided us with clothes to wear.
I'm peaceful having a special needs child. WHAT a reminder that HE trusted ME to care for him and love him!!!
Could go on and on...but you get the picture!!
Love you sweetie!!!
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