Battles and Wars

Editor's note (March 17th): I found out this morning that the symptoms I describe below are not completely due to toxin build up from the Clindamycin. The doctor believes I have "Cat Scratch Fever" (yes, that's a real disease) which is caused by Bartonella bacteria. Just wanted to be clear on what's happening.

Update on the health situation…hmmm, where to start? Well, the IV Clindamycin is killing off a lot of stuff which is very good, but my body seems to have overloaded on toxins that are the waste of killing off the bacteria and stuff. Toxin buildup is hard on your body. I’ve been running a fever every day for close to 3 weeks now. At first the doc thought there was a bladder or kidney infection since I had been passing a stone a few weeks ago. Turned up negative and that is good. However, Sunday night I had some of the worst abdominal pain I’ve ever experienced. For those of you who know me, well, that’s saying a lot. I was up until 4:30 a.m. with the pain and felt so awful that I did not go to treatment Monday morning. I went that afternoon and just got IV fluids. I went this morning and got fluids again. I don’t go on Tuesday afternoons anymore just to give my body a break, but I will have IV fluids again tomorrow. In fact, I will have IV fluids until I feel like my body can handle the antibiotics again. M and I talked and we are asking the doctor if I can take a week off at the end of March/beginning of April. We have a meeting with the doctor on Saturday, April 3rd and wanted to have me off IVs for the 5 days before that. We’re hoping to see where I might be off the meds. Basically, the IVs make you feel worse whether it’s from killing off bacteria and leaving toxins or with just the side effects that come along with such strong doses of antibiotics. We think that by having a week off we might be able to better judge where I am physically. We are ready to try and bring me back home to start the oral antibiotics.

The oral antibiotics have their own side effects and also leave toxins in the blood after they kill off bacteria. However, I’d much rather be in my own home, my own bed, feeling horrible than to be away from my husband and my family and still feeling horrible. When we first got here we knew we would have to do IV treatments because I couldn’t absorb anything orally. We hope to see that I am better able to do that now that I have killed off a couple of infections that were in my intestinal tract. Right now I have yet to gain any weight, but that can be due to the IV treatments themselves. Clindamycin takes away my appetite, not that I had much of one to begin with, but at least I’m not losing any more weight.

So, today marks exactly 9 months since I started IV treatment. Every day is a battle. Getting up and going to treatment is a battle, as is treatment itself. The side effects of treatment are a battle. The being away from home for so long is a battle. But these are small battles in the grand scheme of the war that has been taking place in my body. We knew there would be more bad days than good (and there have been). We knew that none of this would be “easy” – physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. However, we knew we had to wage a war against all of this because it was literally killing me. When it comes to your life, your health, you’ll find there’s not much you won’t do in order to “feel better”. We didn’t know how long this would take or how hard it would get or how much of a toll it would take on my body.

One might say we didn’t know anything about this war, but we did. We knew one thing that would get us through these continual battles. We knew one thing that would keep us fighting the good fight in this war. That one thing was our faith in God. We knew He led us to this place, to this doctor, and we trusted His plan. We’ve had to learn so much more about faith since we’ve started this war. This is what I think we have learned: Faith is not something you talk about or discuss in Sunday school. I’ve come to believe that faith is not a noun…it’s a verb. It’s an ACTION verb. Faith is stepping out into the unknown armed with only your belief that God is never going to lead you astray. Faith is stepping out of the boat and onto the water without doubting. Faith is knowing, even during the worst times, that God is there with you always. It’s knowing that while you may be having one of the worst days of your life, God is not torturing you nor has He forgotten you. I think my faith has been honed during my battles in this war. I have cried out to God and I know He has answered me by either giving me peace, or relief in my pain, or just the strength to get through that pain (or a seizure for that matter). I know that He has used all of these battle days to build my faith and to allow me to see that He is in control of everything. I know some might read this and wonder how I could say that God is in control of everything and yet He allowed me to get this sick and why would He do that? But I feel I’ve truly learned what it means when people say, “Ours is not to question why”. It took all of these “bad things” to get me where I needed to be to finally hear His voice. I’m battle weary, this much is true, but I’m still fighting and I think in the end I will win this war. Not because I will have my health, but because I now know that there is nothing more important than giving my life, my health situation, my everything over to God. I have learned what having faith in Him means. I will always have more to learn about faith but I know much more now than I did nine months ago. I know there is no way I could have endured the past nine months, there’s no way I would have even stayed here that long, had it not been for God Himself carrying me through all of this. I hope that I get to come home soon, but I’m leaving that up to God too. We trusted Him when He led us here and we trust He is letting us know when it’s time to leave and head back home.

I appreciate every single prayer people have said for me. It’s been so very humbling at times to find out just how many people have been praying for me. I don’t even know exactly how many, but at one time I think I was on church prayer lists in 15 different states. That’s amazing to me. I cannot even begin to explain how in awe I am that so many people have taken the time to read my rambling blog. I pray that I have used this venue to glorify His name, His grace and moreover His unfailing love. I want people to be aware of Lyme Disease and its’ many co-infections. I want people to understand how misdiagnosed this disease is and how it can destroy your health. I want people to be more aware so that their family members and friends don’t have to struggle through what I have gone through. However, I will say that God never intended the purpose of this blog to be about “Lyme Awareness”…it’s always been meant to spread “God Awareness”. I pray I have done that job justice. I will try and update you all again after my April 3rd meeting. As for now I’m just doing what I can to make it through my daily battles, knowing that God is carrying me through the battles and He is the one who is fighting my war. I cannot be grateful enough for all He has taught me through this nor can I explain how it took me feeling so bad to be able to truly feel His amazing love. I pray you all see some of the hard parts of your life as “faith-stretching opportunities” because that’s what they are. When you ask God to give you more faith just be prepared. He might point out that you have lots of problems that you could hand over to Him while you step out in faith and grasp onto the simple truth that He is the only one who can handle them.

“It is you who made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17 (NRSV)

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his power.” Ephesians 6:10 (NRSV)

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:35-37 (NIV)

Much love-
K