Confusion and Contentment

My abdominal pain has subsided, not sure if it will stay away but it’s nice to have it ease off some. My fevers are still with me though. My normal body temperature is about 97 degrees. But I start out after morning treatment around 99 degrees, by early afternoon I am at 100, and after my afternoon treatment session it’s around 101 degrees. Advil and Aleve don’t bring the fevers down. In fact, they don’t even keep them from going up. My body seems to be getting used to them, but they make me much more tired and I don’t feel like doing anything other than lying in the bed. The doctor plans on running several blood tests on Tuesday to see what might be behind this. I was hoping nothing would show up and then God let me see that this is the best time for things to show up - while I am HERE and getting treatment! It would be much worse for things to show up once I'm home. So, I pray that the doctor finds a cause that can be fixed by tweaking my treatment regimen.

On a brighter note, my sweet M came in town on Thursday and I love having him here. We have an appointment with my doctor on April 3rd to discuss what's going on with me, how treatment is progressing, to review my most recent lab work, etc. I love having him here for these meetings and he tries hard to make it for all of them. He's going to be here for this meeting and will be back in early May, just in time for our wedding anniversary, but that means he has to miss my 35th birthday which falls right in the middle of April. Mom will be here of course, but it will be the first time in 8 years that I haven't spent my birthday with M.

I think I want to just forget my birthday this year, I mean, this definitely isn't where I thought I would be when I turned 35! It just hit me that I’m so stupid for thinking that way when I should just be thanking God that I get to have another birthday! It's amazing how the human brain works! It can be so unproductive so much of the time. I believe we all have these "life goals" in our minds, or ideas about where we will be or what we'll be doing at certain ages. I always thought that I would get married at 28, and oddly enough I did. But after that I had all these other plans - like working until I was about 32 and then trying to start a family. I definitely thought that I would have at least one child by age 35. However, God has other plans for me. I have often gotten upset over the fact that I want to have children so badly but can't even try to do that for now. In fact, I will be on oral treatment for about a year after I leave here and the doctor says I will need to take a year to allow my body to simply rest from the years of being sick as well as the years of treatment. My body will be tired and the doctor says trying to get pregnant before then would put too much strain and stress on my body. I sometimes do the math and think, "I won't even be able to start trying to get pregnant until I'm 37!!!" However, I have to lay all those worries in God's hands.

I have to trust that God is in control of my life and that He has good things planned for me. My Aunt Martha sent me a devotional book a few months back. It's just for women and it is divided into subjects. I got to the page titled "Children" and read the first part about the challenges of motherhood. I know being a mom is a difficult job, but at the same time, it's hard for me to think about people complaining about their children when I long for a child so much. Then I read the next segment under that topic and it really hit home for me - I know God put it in front of me because it has helped me a lot! It reads, "Some women live with a strong, unrelenting longing for children that seems to go unanswered. If you are dealing with this heartache, you can know that God has placed the desire to be a mother in your heart - and not just to frustrate you." It went on to say that we ourselves are adopted into God's family and mentions different options that God might have in mind for you. It's the last sentence though that really spoke to my heart. It reads, "Ask God to help you find the children He has ordained for you." That is an amazing thought. God might bless me with children one day, but even if I don’t have children, I trust that He has plans that include children being in my life. That could mean adoption or it could me working with children - I did graduate college to teach preschool! I just wasn't able to do so because my immune system was already so compromised and I stayed sick the entire time I taught preschool.

I didn't start this entry thinking I would go into this particular topic, but I guess it is weighing on my mind and my heart. I believe I’ve been frustrated with God about “being behind” where I thought I should be by this point in my life. I think that’s exactly why He had me write all of this. Again, I have to hand over the "where I thought my life would be by age 35" plans to God. I never thought I would be going through this treatment process. I never thought I would be writing about such personal issues in an open blog for the world to see. I never thought I would grow so much in my personal relationship with God in such a short amount of time. I never thought I would find peace in the midst of what sometimes feels like pure hell. I never thought I would have seizures and be able to say prayers of thanksgiving during the worst of them. There are so many things "I never thought about" that when I step back and try to see my life in a big picture sense, I see so clearly that God had a very specific plan for my life. He knew all of these things would happen. He has clearly given me His strength to handle things that would have crushed my mind, body, and spirit just a few years ago. He has already given me in so much, but I could only see that once He opened my eyes to all of His blessings. So, I am not where I thought I would be by age 35. I'm not anywhere close to the life I had envisioned for myself. The good news is that I am working on becoming the person God wants me to be! Even though treatment is hard, being away from home is hard, being sick is hard, I can trust in the fact that God is with me. He has blessed me with wonderful treatment friends and given me new friends at home that have reached out to me in so many ways. He has given me a husband and family that support me through all of this. He is in control of my life and I am finding myself more and more content with that fact. I have always been a "control freak" but now I'm working on being content in the fact that God is in control. I now see how horribly I mess things up when I try to control them!

So, writing this has given me clarity and peace. Sometimes I write entries and I know God is using me to speak to other people, but this time I think I started writing and He pushed me down a different path and is speaking to me about my life. This entry may touch someone else's life and I hope that it will, but I think God needed me to step back and stop trying to compare my life to other people's lives. Isn't that such a difficult task? It's so hard not to try and see how we "measure up" compared to others. I know that I am often jealous of people who don’t have health problems, who have children, or who even just have jobs that they love. I think the devil LOVES when we become preoccupied with how our lives look in comparison to others. Everyone knows the feeling of wishing they had someone else’s marriage, someone else’s home, someone else’s career or even just someone else's car! However, God never wants us to "envy others" so I think He has given me the desire to tackle this subject of having children, a subject that is so close to my heart, because I have been envious of other people's lives that look so carefree or easy from the outside. He is reminding me that everyone has their own burdens and it's not up to me to judge how "easy" someone's life might be or how "blessed" they are. My job is to live my life the way God wants me to live. I may never have the life I thought I would have - but I pray to live my life the way God wants me to. I often fall so short of that goal. I don't always say the things I should, I often say the things I shouldn't, but I thank God for giving me a new start every day!

I pray that everyone who read this takes a "step back" from their lives and is able to see the many blessings that God has granted them instead of constantly finding different ways to see how their lives measure up against other people’s. I pray that we all stand in awe of what He is doing in our lives. He is in control of all things. When we think we are in control we mess things up and things would go so much smoother if we just asked God for His help and allowed Him to control our lives. I pray that we all hand our worries, our burdens, our "where we think we should be" ideas over to God. I know that's the only way I will get through any of this. I have to keep on handing things to God – but isn’t it a wonderful thing to know that His hands never get full and He always has room for ALL of our worries and troubles!

My daily calendar is once again bringing me messages that are no coincidence! I was feeling upset about my current situation and felt very far from God just yesterday. The calendar verse yesterday was:

“When you draw close to God, God will draw close to you.” James 4:8 (TLB)

Now today’s verse is:

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts.” Psalm 28:7 (NRSV)

So I’m trying to draw closer to God, to know that He is my strength, and to put the desires of my heart in His hands, trusting that His “life plan” for me is much better than the one I thought up on my own. It's about finding contentment in God no matter what. When life seems to be surrounding you with confusing circumstances, step back and put your life in God's hands. You will see that His plan may not be the same one you have for your life, but it's the best plan for your life. Allowing God to be in control of your life doesn't mean you won't have hardships, but it does mean you will have God to carry you through them.

Much love –
K