Thanking God for laundry...

I am so very human and God made that crystal clear to me this week. He showed me just how impatient I am. We all know the “give them an inch and they’ll take a mile” phrase. We use it to describe people who are never satisfied with what they have. People who ask for something and when they get it they immediately ask for something else, something more. We can easily spot that in someone else but we rarely notice it in ourselves. This week God showed me how I too want to “take a mile”. I raved about the progress I got to see last week when I went to the doctor’s office. Then I had a few really hard days where I went back down and I was crushed. In my last entry I explained that I believed God let me have that really good day so that I might see a light at the end of this long tunnel. However, I am human and after that really good day I wanted MORE. I wanted to get up and clean my house, or better yet to get out of my house. I wanted to go out in public and not be bothered by noise or lots of people moving around. I wanted to drive my car. It’s been almost 16 months since I have driven at all. I wanted to be a “productive member of society” again. I simply wanted MORE!

This week I got a little taste of MORE and I liked it! Since I have been on the Gentamicin I am happy to report that I have not had any allergic reactions or seizures during treatment. I haven’t had a full grand mal seizure in a month! To God be the glory!!! I asked M if I could try to go without a “baby sitter” since treatments were going well. I haven’t been able to be stay home alone for almost 2 months. I get tired of feeling like people have to arrange their lives around me. If M had a business meeting my mom would have to give up her day to come here and take care of me. I wanted to see how I did staying by myself. So, we decided that when M went to the grocery store I could stay home alone. I did very well. I felt up to the challenge of taking care of myself for longer periods of time. So when M had 3 business meetings scheduled Tuesday I stayed at home alone. But this time I actually did something – I did LAUNDRY!!!! I washed 3 loads of laundry over a 7 hour period. I would put some clothes in the washer and go rest for awhile and then when I felt up to it I would go put those in the dryer and start a new load in the washer. I knew that if I happened to wash some and then not feel like putting them in the dryer that M could do that when he got home. I was so very happy when M got home and I showed him that not only did I wash 3 loads of clothes – I hung them up and put them away! I felt productive. I felt like a help and not a burden. I felt GOOD! The only bad thing was that getting up and moving showed me that the past 2 years I’ve spent in bed have taken a serious toll on my body. I have no muscle strength at all! I know it will take time to get that back, but I did laundry and I was pretty amazed that I did it! That night I had some really bad muscles jerks and spasms, but it wasn’t a true seizure. I realized that if I was going to be up and moving I needed to get back on some Valium so my brain wouldn’t go on overload and start misfiring signals at the end of the day!

Now we get to the part where I’ve been given an inch but want to take that mile. Wednesday I took the Valium and then changed the sheets on the bed and put the dirty ones in the wash. I then proceeded to take a shower and wash my hair. That’s really why I changed the sheets because after my shower I wanted to climb into a clean bed! I even washed the blanket on top of the bed! I didn’t move around as much that day and I did get tired much faster, but I felt good about what I had accomplished. The Valium did the trick and I didn’t have any seizure like muscle jerks that night – HOORAY!!! On Thursday I took my Valium and swept, well “Swiffered” actually, the bedroom floor. I eased into the hallway and by that point I realized I was pushing too hard and needed to get back in the bed.

I did get back into my bed, but I was frustrated. I wanted to clean the floors in the whole house. I really wanted to clean the whole house. That’s my problem. For years I have battled with alternating “good days” where I could do lots of things to “bad days” when I would have to stay in bed unable to do anything really. Living like that caused me to really push myself on a “good day” because for all I knew the next day would be a “bad day” and I could be stuck in bed for a week. I noticed I was back in that mindset this week. I had to stop and tell myself that I physically could not handle my old routine. My body has been through so much over the past year or two. While I am seeing amazing progress, I have to force myself to take things slowly or I’ll make things worse! So Friday I stayed in bed. I really didn’t have a choice because my body wasn’t feeling like doing anything that day. Again I was frustrated. In my heart I want to go to the grocery store, I want to cook dinner, I want to clean the house. Simply put I want to be a good wife and take all of those burdens off my husband’s shoulders. I want to be productive.

That’s when God got to me. He made me realize that I was making HUGE strides from where I was just two weeks ago but I wasn’t being truly thankful for them. He was answering my prayers and I was able to do things but instead of being thankful, you guessed it, I wanted MORE! God made me stop and realize that while I may not be able to take ALL of the burdens off of M’s shoulders, I did remove one of them. I did laundry. Then I did something I never thought I would do – I thanked God for laundry! I used to hate doing laundry and I complained, sometimes out loud and sometimes just in my head, any time I put a load in the washer. God showed me how grateful I should be to do laundry. Doing laundry requires some things we probably all take for granted. First, being physically able to complete the task is a blessing and I never thought about that until now. Second, most of us have washers and dryers that do the majority of the work themselves which is a blessing when you think of all the people in this world who don’t have such luxuries. Finally, doing laundry means we are blessed simply by having clothes to wash.

I remember telling God that as I healed I didn’t want to take anything for granted anymore – even the little things. But, as I said, I am human and while I did thank God for having a couple of good days and feeling accomplished, I quickly got frustrated with not being able to do more. Now God has shown me just how amazing my week has been. I did laundry, I took a shower and washed my hair, I changed the bed sheets, I “swiffered”, and I was able to stay home by myself! Thank you dear Lord for giving me that strength! Glory be to God for the healing He is performing in my body! I’m tired today but I’m happy because this week I did laundry. Only God knows what my body will feel up to doing this coming week. He’s showing me how to appreciate what I can do and not worry about what I can’t do. This journey of healing is on His time table, not mine. Instead of being frustrated by that I should be comforted by it because I prayed for His will to be done and His ways are the best ways. He also made me see the fear I have about healing. You may be wondering what there is to fear about being healed. Well, I didn’t know myself until He made it clear to me. Basically I have been sick for so long that I don’t know how to live like a healthy person. I told M I had no idea what I would do when/if I got well. The doctors say that I need to take a year to allow my body to detox from all these drugs and to let my body rest from the beating it has taken during treatment. God made me realize I was getting ahead of myself. If I pray for His will to be done then I should not be worried or fearful about my future. I should rest in the knowledge that He will show me what to do as I forge ahead and He will lead me into the next phase of my life. I have no idea what His will entails, but it could very well be that it involves me feeling better than I ever have before. Wouldn’t that be amazing? No matter what though, He’s told me to be thankful for laundry. So, from now on, every time I load that washer I want to make sure I stop and thank God because He’s blessed me so much!

Finally, I wanted to share the following excerpts from the book, “100 Days in the Secret Place” which were written in the late 1600s:

“Do not waster your suffering. Let suffering accomplish what God wants it to in your life. Never get so hard that you suffer for no reason and for no purpose. Paul says, ‘God loves a cheerful giver.’ How much He must love those who cheerfully give themselves to His dealings.” – Archbishop Francois de Fenelon

I need to focus on cheerfully giving myself to God and what His will is for my life. Focusing on today and not pushing towards what I want for tomorrow.

“When you seek God’s will alone, you find it everywhere, and you cannot go astray. Wanting what God wants always puts you on a straight path. The future is not yet yours; it may never be. Live in the present moment. Tomorrow’s grace is not given to you today. The present moment is the only place where you can touch the eternal realm.” – Archbishop Francois de Fenelon

And finally one simple verse that I should read every single day:

“Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16

Much love to you all –
K