Appointed and Disappointed

I’ve been feeling disappointed lately. When I first started the IV Gentamicinin in late August I saw so many improvements in my health and my ability to do things. I started expecting more and more improvements and imagined what I’d be doing by now, the middle of October. I had plans basically and have been disappointed that I haven’t been able to follow through with them by now. I wanted to be getting out into the world by now, but my sound sensitivity is still so bad that I have yet to venture outside of the house. I’ve been in the house for 2 months now and I’ve been in a hole feeling sorry for myself about it. That leads to me being disappointed in myself for how I’m handling all of this. I feel like I’m not appreciating the things I can do, that I wasn’t able to do 2 months ago. I want the whole process to speed up! I’m disappointed that it I haven’t gotten well FASTER. I’ve just been disappointed.

I was thinking about being disappointed. I can’t watch much television or be on the computer too much because it zaps my energy, and I’m alone most the time so I have a LOT of time to think. I went from thinking about my being disappointed to thinking on the word disappointed. I thought about the many words there are in the English language that mean one thing and then if you add the prefix “dis” to the word its’ meaning is the opposite of the original word. For example, you can assemble something – put something together – and you can disassemble something – or take it apart. God was leading me on a “thought pattern” which is when I have no idea He’s showing me something – I’m just thinking, not wondering if there’s a point. These “thought patterns” lead to some of my most important observations, or rather they lead me to something God wants me to learn. God put it on my heart to share this with you so I wanted to explain that what you’re about to read is laid out exactly as it happened in my “thought pattern” so there will be some twists and turns as I get to a point…nothing new there I guess.

So, as I thought about the word disappointed, I started thinking about the word appointed as well. I think God wanted me to “research” those words. When I looked up the word appoint in the dictionary it listed multiple definitions or ways this word could be used. One definition was “to name or assign to a position” and it gave examples of how we use that word in this day and age, such as “to appoint a judge to a bench” or “to appoint a new treasurer”. But, the last definition was listed as “archaic” which suggests that many years ago, or even centuries perhaps, the word had a somewhat different meaning. That definition was “to order or establish by decree or command” and the example was “laws appointed by God” and that’s the definition I believe God wanted me to understand.

Then I looked up the true definition of disappoint and read, “to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of”. Another definition explained the meaning as “to defeat the fulfillment of (hopes, plans, etc.); thwart; frustrate”. If we use our modern day definition of appoint and disappoint we believe that the word disappoint would be to fail at a job or task we were appointed to. However, I think God had me read these definitions for the purpose of understanding that disappoint could also mean to fail at a task appointed by God or a command given by God. So if I feel disappointed then what task or commandment given by God am I failing at or not following?

When asked what the greatest commandment in the law was, Jesus replied saying, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” (Matthew 22:36-39) Jesus later gives all Christians a task – often referred to as “The Great Commission”. Jesus said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.” (Matthew 28:18-20). So I had to think if I was not doing those things, not putting God first, not sharing God’s love, or not sharing God’s word. I realized I was failing at all of those things. I believe that is the real root cause of my disappointment. When you put your hopes on circumstances, things or people, you will most likely end up disappointed. When you place all your hopes and your trust in God you can’t be disappointed.

I realized that I had I had been focusing on getting well more than I had been focusing on God. I was placing more importance on what I could do to get well rather than what I could do to get closer to God. I was not loving my neighbor because I was too focused on how other people’s lives seem so much easier than mine – I was envious instead of loving. I also realized I had been shying away from writing entries on here, so I was not using the one way I have of reaching the outside world to spread the love or the word of God. Basically my priorities had gotten turned around again.

Then God hit me with something very hard. If I put the archaic definition of appoint with that second definition of disappoint the result is scary. The combination of those definitions would be “to thwart” the “commands or laws appointed by God”. Not just fail at the tasks and commandments, but to actually get in the way of them. It would mean to try to DEFEAT the fulfillment of God’s commands. WOW. I then thought, “I don’t get in God’s way!” – but after thinking on it I realized that I do get in God’s way. I get in His way every day! I was failing at the two greatest commandments AND the Great Commission because I was too busy blocking out what God wanted me to think about by focusing solely on what I wanted to happen in my life. He wants me to love Him with all my heart and yet too often I find that my heart is focused more on getting well and not on God. I hate to admit that I’ve also put things I want before Him at times, but I have. I’m letting my thoughts focus on other things rather than God. It’s not on purpose, but I can control it if I constantly bring my thoughts back to God. And when I’m busy feeling disappointed about what my life is like or feeling frustrated with my treatment I’m missing the opportunity to share God’s love. I’m even missing out on feeling God’s love for me. What’s even worse is that I find I might do these things several times a day!

We can all interfere with the instructions and commandments given to us by Jesus without even knowing what we’re doing. Keeping all of that in mind, we must realize that when we feel true disappointment it may actually be because we have thwarted or gotten in the way of God’s plans for us. We may have unknowingly defeated ourselves. We often pray and feel as though we get no answers or that God doesn’t hear us, but that’s not the case. I believe we are often too focused on what WE want to happen that we may completely miss what GOD is doing in our lives or where He is trying to lead us.

I don’t want to focus on my health instead of God because I will only end up frustrated. I’m doing all I can to get well, and that’s all I can do. I don’t want to be envious of other people’s lives because in all honesty I have no idea what their lives are like, they could be dealing with huge problems I don’t know about. I definitely don’t want to miss out on sharing God’s word with others because I know how important a true relationship with God is. My relationship with God is not only what gets me through all of my health obstacles – it’s what has kept me sane and pushed me through the hardest days! I want everyone to ask Jesus to live in their hearts and to ask that God direct their paths. Why do I want that? It comes back to those two words – we are all appointed to love God, to love others, and to share God’s word with others. If we fail at those things, well, it’s no surprise that we would feel disappointed in our own lives.

I’m going to share something about focusing our thoughts on God from the book, “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young (the missionary who was in treatment with me in Kansas City). She writes the daily devotionals as though Jesus were the one speaking:

“Make Me your focal point as you move through this day. Just as a spinning ballerina must keep returning her eyes to a given point to maintain her balance, so you must keep returning your focus to Me. Circumstances are in flux, and the world seems to be whirling around you. The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to me, refreshing yourself in My Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure.”

She references two verses as well:

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:2 (NIV)

“But you remain the same and your years will never end.” Psalm 102:27 (NIV)

I wanted to share one more verse that hit me today:

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.” Psalm 40:1 (NIV)

I have to remember that a lot – to wait PATIENTLY on the Lord because He does hear my cries. And guess what…as soon as I finished this entry I went and put on some clothes. Then I brushed my hair and my teeth – I even dabbed on a little bit of makeup. I’m headed out the door of this house – I don’t know how I’ll handle being out in public, but God has given me the strength to go find out. You don’t get somewhere by sitting around. When we feel God pushing us, well, we have to push WITH Him instead of against Him to go forward. I’m going forward in about an hour. I’ll let you know how it goes as soon as I can!

Much love to you all-
K

***10/15/10 - Editor's Note***
I went out yesterday and it was WONDERFUL! I went to a bookstore and didn't have to wear earplugs. I wore sunglasses but not for the entire time I was in the store. My mom then took me to a clothing store and the music was SO loud. I put in my earplugs but it was still too loud. Amazing thing is that I didn't drop down and have a seizure! We went to another clothing store where the music wasn't as loud, I kept my earplugs in and I even bought a pair of jeans! It was about 2 hours of being "out and about" and it was GREAT! I took some Valium before I went but only 1/4 of the amount I used to take every day in Kansas City. I never even felt like a seizure was coming on :) I can't explain how excited I was to be out in public and how great it was to feel a little normalcy in my life. We're going to try and get me out of the house a couple of times a week for an hour or two at a time. But I also know that there will be days I won't feel up to getting out and I can't let those days kill the joy of my really good days. I am thanking God for such a wonderful day!