How to get out...

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you thought to yourself, “How did I ever get here?” I know there’s been plenty of times, and lots of different situations, where I’ve asked myself that question. In reality I should have been asking myself, “How do I get out of here?” I have found that when things get hard it’s a lot easier to sit and think about what could have caused my problems than thinking of an actual solution to them. Over the past few years I have asked myself how I ended up in this bed countless times. This particular situation is different in that I couldn’t help being sick, but the logic is the same. I focused on how “unfair” things were. I thought about how other people had much easier lives. Basically, I felt sorry for myself and I kept thinking about how bad things had gotten. What I didn’t do was stop myself from that train of thought and think, “What do I need to do to get out of here?” because that is the more important question.

I think God has allowed me to go through all of this for many reasons, some of which I will never know. However, I do know some of the things it has made me think about and often times work towards changing. Just for starters, it has changed who I am, how I act, what is important to me, what kind of life I want to lead, and what kind of people I want to surround myself with as I go through this life. Quite simply, I will look back on this time, on these years of sickness, and I will say, “That is when my life changed for the better.” Might sound odd, but I know that I was supposed to go through ALL of this in order to figure out who I was and more importantly, who God wanted me to become. I have to hope and pray daily that I am getting closer to becoming who God wants me to become because honestly, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself. Even when I see so many improvements I often wonder why things aren’t happening faster. I’m like a child who can’t appreciate all the wonderful toys I already have because I’m too busy wanting the toys I don’t have. So, I pray that I am sticking to the physical AND mental course God has set for me so that I don’t skip over anything. God wants me to see how many prayers have been answered for me and some days I am overcome with just how many He has answered. But, I’m human, so on other days I focus on the prayers He hasn’t answered for me. Silly thing to do since you never know what prayers God will answer or, maybe more importantly, WHEN He will answer them.

Robert Frost wrote, “The best way out is always through.” I’ve thought a lot about that quote over the past week or so. I’ve wondered if I’m doing what I need to do, if I’m doing all I can do, to get better sooner. When I’ve suffered a set back, I would feel as if the world was ending and would get so upset. That’s when I thought about the quote from Robert Frost. There is no way to speed things along, there is no magic potion that will have me up and out of this bed and leading a “productive life”. It took years to get that sick, it’s taken a year and a half of treatment to get me feeling half-way human. It only makes sense that I won’t be able to jump up tomorrow, get dressed, and go drive myself somewhere. So, it’s not that the “best way out is always through” – it’s that “through” is the ONLY way out! So, I continue to fight to get better. The fight is getting easier, but sometimes that makes it more mentally frustrating. I am feeling stronger – I do want to go and do a million things – but I simply have to wait and slowly build up my strength. I still have other diseases to fight. I will get there, but not by force. I will get there by faith. I know God can do anything and I know He has led me through all of this. He has not stopped leading me nor will He ever give up on me. I need Him every day. I don’t just need Him for getting me through another day when I feel horrible. I need Him on good days too. But, I always thank Him for getting me through those MISERABLE days. I need to focus more on thanking Him for the “Hey, I don’t feel like death today” days as well.

I’ve had some set backs lately. The anti-parasitic medication has not been easy on me, but I’ve been through much worse for sure. I’ve had more of the fevers again, felt weaker, had to slow myself down and keep myself from trying to “push through the pain”. But, I’m doing so much better than I was 2 months ago. I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time and that’s okay. I need to realize that God has always had a plan for my life and while I may think things are taking too long, He’s always had the timeline planned out. I need to stop thinking about “how I got here”, to stop feeling sorry for myself, to stop comparing my life to the lives of others – in short, I need to just trust God. I guess that’s something we all have to work on doing every day. We like to think we are in control of so much, but in reality, God’s in control and we need to seek His guidance as to how to get through each day.

“I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.” Psalm 34:1 (NRSV)

“He is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being.” Acts 17:27-28 (NIV)

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8 (NIV)

I again want to thank you all for your prayers and for just keeping up with me. The computer is my way of staying connected to the world and I’m glad there are people who want to read my ramblings as I journey along.

Much love-
K