Leaning on Him for ALL things...

So I found out yet again that taking breaks from treatments is worse than treatment itself. It’s really sad though because I get so excited about the thought of sleeping past 6:00 a.m. and for some reason I always think I am going to actually feel like doing something when I’m off. This break was especially bad because of the Babesia. I’ve explained how Babesia makes you angry, irritable, and with a real “short fuse” temper wise. I also already wrote that the doctor is waiting until the 14th to start treating the Babesia so it will be 6 weeks after my surgery so we’ll start Monday.

I realized I needed to be getting some warmer clothes since I know I will be here at least until the end of November. So I felt that I would try and shop on my break. I tried to shop Saturday but left the apartment without my ear plugs OR my MP3 player! This is a big deal because ALL of my senses have “heightened sensitivity”. Basically I can smell things other people can’t, noises seem much louder to me, my vision is so light sensitive that I wear my sunglasses indoors anywhere that has fluorescent lighting. Saturday I made it into 2 stores and the music was so loud and the people talking seemed like screams and there I was with no way to “drown out the noise”. I looked at mom and said, “We HAVE to leave.” My head was killing me! And Babesia can give you bad headaches too so I was just in pain. We went to Michael’s (the arts & crafts store) to get me some paints and a canvas so that I might make something. The doctor thinks even something as small as coloring can soothe the “helpless feeling” you get in treatment. I finally had an easel and a canvas in my cart when I just looked at mom and said, “I’m leaving – I don’t even want any of this.”

I cried when I was in the car. For those who don’t know me well you might not understand this behavior. A lot of people don’t like to shop. They dread it in fact. However, I have always seen shopping as somewhat of a sport. It’s me against the store and I am bound and determined to get the best possible items for the cheapest price! So, I was feeling like having a pity party because it felt like once again this illness was taking something else I once loved to do. I hadn’t really wanted to go shopping because I didn’t feel up to it, but I knew I needed some winter shoes and clothes. To realize that I couldn’t even go to 2 stores before my central nervous system just shut down on me was so hard. I tried to calm down by telling myself that if I physically felt like shopping then I wouldn’t be out here getting IV treatments in the first place! However, that didn’t help much. I just kept feeling like all these infections (Lyme Plus as my doctor calls it) have stripped me of things I love to do and kept me from living my life as I want. The noise sensitivity has kept me from being around all my sweet nieces and nephews and I no longer enjoy the sound of kids playing so I have missed out on a lot with family and a lot with my friends and their children. I cried and I went to bed that night around 6:00 and didn’t even wake up to eat dinner. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and I didn’t want to see the “positive side” of things at the moment.

Sunday I read some more from my “100 Days in the Secret Place” book and realized how much I have left to learn. I don’t know why I think I will ever “know it all” because I’m only human and we all have so much left to learn. I have said I know that God led me here and that God is with me through all of this. But I don’t believe I really understood those statements fully before this weekend. Here’s a section of what I read that seemed to reach down and make me realize how silly I was being:

“The best place to be is where God puts you. Any other place is undesirable because you chose it for yourself. Do not think too much about the future. Worrying about things that haven’t happened yet is unhealthy for you. God Himself will help you, day by day. There is no need to store things up for the future. Don’t you believe that God will take care of you?
A life of faith does two things: Faith helps you see God behind everything that He uses. And faith also keeps you in a place where you are not sure what will happen next. TO have faith you cannot always want to know what is happening or going to happen. God wants you to trust Him alone from minute to minute. The strength He gives you in one minute is not intended to carry you through to the next. Let God take care of His business. Just be faithful to what God asks of you. To depend on God from moment to moment – especially when all is dark and uncertain – is a true dying to your old self. This process is so slow and inward that it is often hidden from you as well as others. When Gods takes something away from you, you can be sure He knows how to replace it. There is a story that when Paul was alone in the desert, a raven brought him half a loaf of bread every day. If Paul’s faith had wavered and he wanted to be sure to have enough, he might have prayed that the raven would bring enough for 2 days. Do you think the raven would have come back at all! Eat in peace what God gives you. “Tomorrow will take care of itself” (see Mt 6:34). The One who feeds you today will surely feed you tomorrow.” – Archbishop Fenelon of France

Now, I read that and realized that there are MANY things I have learned to give over to God, but I was planning on handling my winter clothes myself, thank you very much. It may sound stupid or silly, but when I read that I realized that maybe the reason my shopping trip wasn’t lucrative was because I hadn’t prayed about it. Some of you may think praying for a shopping trip might be silly – and maybe in your situation that’s true. However, I am learning every single day that God is stripping me of all my old ways and wanting to be a part of EVERYTHING I do on a daily basis. He wants me to talk to Him about ALL my thoughts and He wants me to pray to Him for help on ALL my decisions – the small ones & the big ones.

So, I prayed that night. I told a friend in treatment about this prayer and it made her laugh – and it made me laugh after I said the words, but it’s what happened. I told her I prayed, “God, I don’t want ‘cool clothes’, I just need some warm clothes for winter! Can you help me with that?” But we laughed because we knew how true it was that we need help from God with the simplest tasks in order to get them done. However, my prayer was actually more like this, “Dear God – you know how worried I can get. My brain seems to go in search of things to worry about even though I know You will take care of all my provisions. I didn’t come to You before I went on my shopping trip yesterday because I didn’t think about bringing that before you. I’ve never thought that praying about a shopping trip would be something I should do. However, I see now that there is so much I never knew about things you wanted me to do and how you wanted me to do them. God, I am not asking to find ‘cool clothes’ – I just really need to feel like I have some cold weather essentials like long sleeve shirts that have sleeves large enough to come up above my PICC line. I need some sort of hat and scarf because I already have my winter jacket up here. I REALLY need some warm boots that I have no heel and that don’t zip or tie because putting shoes on is hard for my hands and hard for me to bend over to fasten them. I want to be able to slip them on and off easily during treatment. I need some leggings and socks that will keep me warm as well. I have tried very hard to learn to give control of my life over to You. I am constantly trying to not question Your will every step of the way and especially during my setbacks. I don’t know if praying for a shopping trip is even right, but I feel that I have to come to You with all things now. I also am praying because I don’t want to spend a lot of money on these things because medical costs are high enough. Now I know I need to pray to You for the strength to even go shopping and I know I can’t shop for these things over the internet because I wouldn’t be able to tell if the clothes felt soft and comfortable, or if they fit, or if they would work with my PICC line. So I’m praying that You allow me to find some of these things so that I can feel more prepared to stay where You clearly want me to be right now, which is here in Kansas City.”

The next day I packed my ear plugs and my MP3 player. I printed out a map of the mall in Kansas (about 12 miles away) where Mom and I were headed. I even highlighted the 4-5 stores I thought we needed to hit to get what I was looking for. I was a woman on a mission. I knew I only had about 2 hours of energy (if that much) to get this done and then I would collapse and be exhausted. Funny thing about praying to God about even the smallest things is that He does care. He wants you to bring everything before Him. My trip yesterday was a complete success. I got WARM boots with fuzzy lining and they even fit my narrow feet. They slip on and off with no problems and were more than $100 off from their original price. They were also the only pair of boots like that in all of the sale rack & were just my size. I said, “Thank you Lord” and I bought them. Then I found 3 pairs of knee socks on sale and knee socks help keep my legs warm since I have such trouble with my circulation and stay so cold. I also found not 1 but 2 pair of leggings that can be worn alone with oversized sweaters or worn underneath pants almost like long underwear. Those weren’t on sale, but they were still pretty cheap. I found a very soft and large scarf. The kind you can wrap around your neck and down around your shoulders. I will probably even use that during treatment because it felt so good – and it was on a great sale too! I found a hat for cheaper than any of the other hats I had seen. I found 3 long sleeve cotton shirts that I can layer but that all have enough stretch in the sleeves to pull above my PICC line. And I found a really comfortable sweater/coat. It’s long and comes close to my knees and has a hood and buttons up the front. The sleeves are large enough for my PICC line and it is soft and machine washable (no dry cleaning needed here). When I get back to Alabama I could probably use it as a coat!

Now, all of this was done in under 2 hours and I couldn’t for the life of me tell you how that happened except that God showed me where to go to get the things I needed. When we got to the car I looked up and simply said, “Thank you God for allowing me to find things I need for the colder months out here.” Mom smiled and inside I knew that God wasn’t worried about my shopping trip. I think He wanted me to know that He understood my desire to feel prepared. Everything else here has happened so quickly and I’ve been unprepared or ill prepared for it all. I have handed so many things over to Him after struggling about what to do in different situations. I knew that He was allowing me to have a peaceful feeling about being here longer than I had planned and I know He wanted me to realize yet again, that I must come to Him for EVERYTHING!

That example is just one of many. God provides for us. God loves us. God cares about the cares of our heart and wants us to know that we may count on Him for ALL things. So I will not worry about tomorrow and starting the antioxidant IVs. I will not worry about next week and starting the difficult treatment for Babesia. I trust God will be with me every step of the way and I know that while I may be scared for a moment, I will remember and feel His presence and in His presence fear slips away like a thief in the night.

Now I will close yet another lengthy entry with a few quotes:

“Why would God promise a refuge unless He knew we would need a place to hide once in a while?” Neva Coyle

“Trials may come in abundance. But they cannot penetrate into the sanctuary of the soul when it is settled in God, and we may dwell in perfect peace.” Hannah Whitall Smith

“The Lord alone shall be exalted” Isaiah 2:11 (KJV)

Thank you Lord for allowing us to cast all our cares upon You and for allowing us to feel Your love and comfort when we seem so lost. I trust in You for everything and will try harder each day to give every single worry over to You. I have no need for worries. They will only hamper my progress. You ask that I hand them all to You and so this is my goal, to follow what You want me to do. Thank you for giving me signs (both big and small) throughout this journey as I continue to fight these battles for my health. Thank you for blessing me with treatment friends who understand that a successful shopping trip is like a miracle in itself. Thank you for all the many people out there praying for me and I pray that they too feel Your love and comfort every day.

I’m also praying right now for a very close friend whose Grandmother is ill and who is on her way to see You. She has said she is ready to “come home” and I know Heaven will rejoice when she arrives. I pray for the family left behind on earth who will miss her because she is such a loving and wonderful woman. I pray that they envision her getting to Heaven and seeing her husband (who passed years ago) smiling with excitement to be reunited with her. That’s how I picture her – smiling and laughing and just so happy to be with her Lord and Savior and with all those who passed before her.

Much love to you all!