Groaning instead of gratitude...

It's been a rough few weeks. I'm going to vent a little (hence the first part of the title) because sometimes it's when I "groan to God" that He shows me why I should change my attitude and then He has to show me HOW to change my attitude. I feel like I've learned a lot about keeping a positive attitude, but we all have those days (or weeks sometimes) when being positive seems like the last thing we can do - or even want to do. I think everyone can relate to the desire to "wallow" in their own misery thinking, "Why me?" or "Why now?" or just "WHY???". So, I pray that as I write out my own groans, my health update, etc. that God will show me yet again how to go through this battle with His joy in my heart and how to keep that joy flowing outward to others.

First, another seizure and this one was a hard one. Not that any of them are "easy" but this one lasted longer and was a bit harder to get through. I took some anti-seizure medication that melts in my mouth (getting into my blood stream faster) as soon as the tremors started, but it wasn't fast enough. After 20+ minutes of having the seizure go from tremors into a grand mal I took more of the "melt in your mouth" medication. I prayed out to God that I was thankful yet again that this all happened at the clinic, that I had sweet nurses taking care of me, that I have a wonderful friend in treatment, Stef, who sat by me praying and holding my hand when I wasn't shaking it everywhere. She prayed silently, but I felt it and I knew it. I have to pray out loud because it helps me to focus so that I don't lose consciousness. So, I told God that if it was His will for me to have this seizure, if there was something that He had in His plan, then I wanted to follow His will.

I think He did have it in His plan for me because for the first time I stayed in my own chair and the nurses were able to get my vitals towards the end of the seizure. They haven't been able to get that information before so I hope that it helps the doctor to have it. My blood pressure (which is normally around 90/60) was around 160/70 and my heart rate varied from 140 - 170 as I bucked and jerked around. I honestly think this time I looked like I was riding an invisible bull. My right arm kept violently circling over my head which was odd, but nothing about seizures are ever really "normal" I guess. My seizures seem to always start with my right hand and then go up that arm, to the head, down my body and then back up my body and the last thing to stop shaking is usually my right arm. Weird how they seem to have a pattern to them, but it seems to help me to know when they might be calming down. A few times my oxygen level would drop down into the upper 80s when my back would arch and my body just didn't want to breathe. I have to focus very hard to make myself get air. I pray, I find places on the wall to stare at and focus on, and most of all, when I can speak, I make jokes. Although I stutter a lot, I seem to get the jokes out okay.

I know it may sound odd that I joke, but talking helps me to keep myself breathing, focused, and it helps me to lighten the mood in my own mind. I feel that the devil will use whatever tools he has at his disposal to get into our brains and believe me, a seizure is like a big old party that he can use to make you think scary thoughts, angry thoughts, or just plain "mad at God" thoughts. Which is why I pray with prayers of thanksgiving. If you thank God for all the good things in the midst of an assault by the devil, well, the devil just cannot stand that. I also try not to ask God to stop things, but to give me the strength to endure whatever His will is for me at that moment. He always does. Yesterday we joked about what an amazing cardio workout a seizure is, how the tightening and relaxing of muscles can give you great abdominal muscles, etc. I don't like to see "worried faces" when I have a seizure. I like to see laughter and smiles because the more I sense someone worrying, the worse the seizure will get for me because I focus more on them than on how to get my brain under control. I've been sick a long time and learned that you have 2 options - you can laugh, or you can cry. That really pertains to life in general - come home to a leaky roof? Laugh or cry - your choice. Car breaks down in the rain and you have no idea how long the tow truck will take to arrive? Laugh or cry - always your choice.

Now, please understand that everyone has a "cry day" or one where they just cannot muster up the mindset for laughter. I'm the same way, but I learn more every day how to laugh when I really want to scream in frustration. I have said before how I KNOW I am here for a reason, God led me here for a reason, and I'm not sure what that reason is, but I feel that part of it is to try and be positive no matter how bad I may feel. But today, the day after the seizure, the day my body is so very sore and I have a bit of a fever - well, I was in a better mood having the seizure than I have been in today I think. Maybe because today would have marked two weeks from my last seizure. It seemed the "melt in my mouth" medicine that I take before and after each treatment session was working fairly well. It still is in a way, but my central nervous system is just so easily overloaded. The doctor talked to me on Monday and we are now thinking that the Babesia is not just tearing the red blood cells but it's building up toxins in my brain. I started a new supplement yesterday morning that helps the brain "detox" and will hopefully help keep my brain from holding onto those toxins.

Okay, so I am back into the swing of things with treatment after holiday breaks. I had almost 4 whole days off for Christmas and then 3 days off for New Year's. I realized how hard breaks are for me right now though. Thankfully when I am off the medicine my light and sound sensitivities are much less severe, but it just makes starting treatment again a little harder. I got to feel a bit like the "old me" - even though it was still the "tired, old me" - it was nice. The holiday breaks aren't the only breaks we've had though, unfortunately. We had 6 to 8 inches of snow on Christmas Eve. It sounds so beautiful and magical until you realize you are basically trapped in a small apartment with winds howling and snow blowing everywhere. I don't think I will ever feel the same when I hear Bing Crosby sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" - it definitely didn't make my days merry and bright - ha! The weather has been horrid here. I believe the highest temperature we've had since Christmas Eve has been 20 degrees. I'm getting adjusted to the cold finally though and I guess that's what happens in life - you can adjust to about anything. Then last Tuesday it snowed and treatments were cancelled on Wednesday. We tried to schedule a treatment for Sunday afternoon and honestly I cannot remember if we had to cancel that one too or not. We were supposed to have just one treatment on Monday, but due to all the inclimate weather cancellations, the doctor had us change to 2 treatments. One day I went outside and the temperature was honestly -1 below zero and wind chills were around -10 below or so.

It's been so cold and today it snowed again. The doctor scheduled an impromptu early afternoon session to keep people from having to drive home in the dark in what the forecasters called "blizzard like conditions". The wind coming with this storm is rough and since none of the snow has even melted due to the extremely cold temperatures, well, it's just blowing around like crazy! OH - I must give a HUGE thank you to a fellow treatment friend who lives in my apartment complex for giving me rides to treatment in his 4 wheel drive Hummer because mom would not be able to navigate these roads! He has been such a help for us and I'm not sure if I would have been able to go without him! Sedans are just not made for this kind of weather. Tomorrow we have a treatment session scheduled for 2:00 p.m., weather permitting. It's hard to be out of the swing of things and you can't help but feel like every missed day is one more day here.

So, seizures, weather hazards, general feeling like crap, still fighting the flu, etc., etc. I could whine a lot but I just realized that each thing I complained about actually had a good outcome in a sense. My seizure was really hard, but I stayed in my chair so no bad bruises or falls AND for the first time they were able to document my vital signs. The weather here has been horrible, but I have been blessed with a very caring friend who doesn't mind waiting an extra 30 minutes in the evenings for my 2 hour IV bag even though his is only a 1 and a half hour bag. So, again, God goes before me. This is only my "temporary life". I have to focus on that. I will get home and I will still be on oral treatments, but I should be feeling a good bit better than I was when I get to come home. Speaking of home - I hated to miss out on a very special day for a very close friend of mine. She had a little girl today and I think her little boy is probably one proud big brother. Mom and baby are doing well and I know Dad is thrilled as well. I cannot wait to see some pictures but I do hate missing out on seeing that newborn little girl in person and welcoming her to the world. Bad day to start out with, but God showed me once again He is with me, He is fighting for me, He is giving me strength, and even though I'm not at home to witness it, He is showing me His miraculous ways through my sweet friend's new baby. How can you deny God's presence or His existence when you see a newborn baby? It seems quite impossible to me that those tiny babies are anything short of miracles.

I feel better now. God does show me so much as I prattle on and on and you have to read these lengthy entries. He shows me He is still in control and that, my friends, is exactly what I want to hear.

To close a few verses:

"Be self-c0ntrolled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:4

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:7-8

Much love to you all. I'm feeling much more gratitude and I think my groaning has ceased for now. I simply have to wake up and choose to ask God to be with me throughout the day, encouraging me, giving me strength and surrounding me with His love. Every day we have that choice and I think we should rejoice that God wants us to spend our days with Him always.
K