My abdominal pain has subsided, not sure if it will stay away but it’s nice to have it ease off some. My fevers are still with me though. My normal body temperature is about 97 degrees. But I start out after morning treatment around 99 degrees, by early afternoon I am at 100, and after my afternoon treatment session it’s around 101 degrees. Advil and Aleve don’t bring the fevers down. In fact, they don’t even keep them from going up. My body seems to be getting used to them, but they make me much more tired and I don’t feel like doing anything other than lying in the bed. The doctor plans on running several blood tests on Tuesday to see what might be behind this. I was hoping nothing would show up and then God let me see that this is the best time for things to show up - while I am HERE and getting treatment! It would be much worse for things to show up once I'm home. So, I pray that the doctor finds a cause that can be fixed by tweaking my treatment regimen.
On a brighter note, my sweet M came in town on Thursday and I love having him here. We have an appointment with my doctor on April 3rd to discuss what's going on with me, how treatment is progressing, to review my most recent lab work, etc. I love having him here for these meetings and he tries hard to make it for all of them. He's going to be here for this meeting and will be back in early May, just in time for our wedding anniversary, but that means he has to miss my 35th birthday which falls right in the middle of April. Mom will be here of course, but it will be the first time in 8 years that I haven't spent my birthday with M.
I think I want to just forget my birthday this year, I mean, this definitely isn't where I thought I would be when I turned 35! It just hit me that I’m so stupid for thinking that way when I should just be thanking God that I get to have another birthday! It's amazing how the human brain works! It can be so unproductive so much of the time. I believe we all have these "life goals" in our minds, or ideas about where we will be or what we'll be doing at certain ages. I always thought that I would get married at 28, and oddly enough I did. But after that I had all these other plans - like working until I was about 32 and then trying to start a family. I definitely thought that I would have at least one child by age 35. However, God has other plans for me. I have often gotten upset over the fact that I want to have children so badly but can't even try to do that for now. In fact, I will be on oral treatment for about a year after I leave here and the doctor says I will need to take a year to allow my body to simply rest from the years of being sick as well as the years of treatment. My body will be tired and the doctor says trying to get pregnant before then would put too much strain and stress on my body. I sometimes do the math and think, "I won't even be able to start trying to get pregnant until I'm 37!!!" However, I have to lay all those worries in God's hands.
I have to trust that God is in control of my life and that He has good things planned for me. My Aunt Martha sent me a devotional book a few months back. It's just for women and it is divided into subjects. I got to the page titled "Children" and read the first part about the challenges of motherhood. I know being a mom is a difficult job, but at the same time, it's hard for me to think about people complaining about their children when I long for a child so much. Then I read the next segment under that topic and it really hit home for me - I know God put it in front of me because it has helped me a lot! It reads, "Some women live with a strong, unrelenting longing for children that seems to go unanswered. If you are dealing with this heartache, you can know that God has placed the desire to be a mother in your heart - and not just to frustrate you." It went on to say that we ourselves are adopted into God's family and mentions different options that God might have in mind for you. It's the last sentence though that really spoke to my heart. It reads, "Ask God to help you find the children He has ordained for you." That is an amazing thought. God might bless me with children one day, but even if I don’t have children, I trust that He has plans that include children being in my life. That could mean adoption or it could me working with children - I did graduate college to teach preschool! I just wasn't able to do so because my immune system was already so compromised and I stayed sick the entire time I taught preschool.
I didn't start this entry thinking I would go into this particular topic, but I guess it is weighing on my mind and my heart. I believe I’ve been frustrated with God about “being behind” where I thought I should be by this point in my life. I think that’s exactly why He had me write all of this. Again, I have to hand over the "where I thought my life would be by age 35" plans to God. I never thought I would be going through this treatment process. I never thought I would be writing about such personal issues in an open blog for the world to see. I never thought I would grow so much in my personal relationship with God in such a short amount of time. I never thought I would find peace in the midst of what sometimes feels like pure hell. I never thought I would have seizures and be able to say prayers of thanksgiving during the worst of them. There are so many things "I never thought about" that when I step back and try to see my life in a big picture sense, I see so clearly that God had a very specific plan for my life. He knew all of these things would happen. He has clearly given me His strength to handle things that would have crushed my mind, body, and spirit just a few years ago. He has already given me in so much, but I could only see that once He opened my eyes to all of His blessings. So, I am not where I thought I would be by age 35. I'm not anywhere close to the life I had envisioned for myself. The good news is that I am working on becoming the person God wants me to be! Even though treatment is hard, being away from home is hard, being sick is hard, I can trust in the fact that God is with me. He has blessed me with wonderful treatment friends and given me new friends at home that have reached out to me in so many ways. He has given me a husband and family that support me through all of this. He is in control of my life and I am finding myself more and more content with that fact. I have always been a "control freak" but now I'm working on being content in the fact that God is in control. I now see how horribly I mess things up when I try to control them!
So, writing this has given me clarity and peace. Sometimes I write entries and I know God is using me to speak to other people, but this time I think I started writing and He pushed me down a different path and is speaking to me about my life. This entry may touch someone else's life and I hope that it will, but I think God needed me to step back and stop trying to compare my life to other people's lives. Isn't that such a difficult task? It's so hard not to try and see how we "measure up" compared to others. I know that I am often jealous of people who don’t have health problems, who have children, or who even just have jobs that they love. I think the devil LOVES when we become preoccupied with how our lives look in comparison to others. Everyone knows the feeling of wishing they had someone else’s marriage, someone else’s home, someone else’s career or even just someone else's car! However, God never wants us to "envy others" so I think He has given me the desire to tackle this subject of having children, a subject that is so close to my heart, because I have been envious of other people's lives that look so carefree or easy from the outside. He is reminding me that everyone has their own burdens and it's not up to me to judge how "easy" someone's life might be or how "blessed" they are. My job is to live my life the way God wants me to live. I may never have the life I thought I would have - but I pray to live my life the way God wants me to. I often fall so short of that goal. I don't always say the things I should, I often say the things I shouldn't, but I thank God for giving me a new start every day!
I pray that everyone who read this takes a "step back" from their lives and is able to see the many blessings that God has granted them instead of constantly finding different ways to see how their lives measure up against other people’s. I pray that we all stand in awe of what He is doing in our lives. He is in control of all things. When we think we are in control we mess things up and things would go so much smoother if we just asked God for His help and allowed Him to control our lives. I pray that we all hand our worries, our burdens, our "where we think we should be" ideas over to God. I know that's the only way I will get through any of this. I have to keep on handing things to God – but isn’t it a wonderful thing to know that His hands never get full and He always has room for ALL of our worries and troubles!
My daily calendar is once again bringing me messages that are no coincidence! I was feeling upset about my current situation and felt very far from God just yesterday. The calendar verse yesterday was:
“When you draw close to God, God will draw close to you.” James 4:8 (TLB)
Now today’s verse is:
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts.” Psalm 28:7 (NRSV)
So I’m trying to draw closer to God, to know that He is my strength, and to put the desires of my heart in His hands, trusting that His “life plan” for me is much better than the one I thought up on my own. It's about finding contentment in God no matter what. When life seems to be surrounding you with confusing circumstances, step back and put your life in God's hands. You will see that His plan may not be the same one you have for your life, but it's the best plan for your life. Allowing God to be in control of your life doesn't mean you won't have hardships, but it does mean you will have God to carry you through them.
Much love –
K
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Just a simple prayer request
Update: The sonogram went well and all was normal. However, since I'm still having fevers every day and some major abdominal pain the doctor wants to run a lot of blood tests to rule out hard to diagnose infections, parasites, etc. The nursing staff will draw my blood on Tuesday - which is when all IV patients get our weekly blood draws done. Some of the results may come in quickly but others may take a few weeks. The doctor doesn't think I should be having such severe pain if this was only Cat Scratch Fever. I'll update more as I find out more information. Thank you all for you sweet prayers! I'm glad there were no problems with my internal organs that would have required surgery. I just hate to have these fevers and hope we soon find out what is behind them so we can jump on getting rid of whatever it is! I am trying hard not to view all of this as a "setback" because I want to get all these hidden infections to surface while I'm here with the doctor and on IV antibiotics. The more I can kill while I am here, well, the less I'll have to kill on oral meds at home! God is in control over this situation and I know He will lead me down the right path for my continuing health problems. He's already gotten me to a much healthier place than when I got here last June!!! Praise be to God for all of the healing I've already received and all the future healing He has in store for me!
ORIGINAL POST:
The doctor wants to rule out any major problem before saying that I truly have "Cat Scratch Fever". My fevers have been constant. I've kept an "elevated temperature" of at least 99 degrees for three weeks. For someone whose body temperature is normally 97 degrees that's like having a fever. The fact that it goes up when I am having room temperature IV antibiotics pushed through my body for 2 hours is very weird. However, it goes up to 101 every day in afternoon treatment.
I say this to ask for a specific prayer request. Due to the fevers and the severe abdominal pain I've had, and the bloating of my stomach - basically my belly sticks out from where my esophagus meets my stomach all the way down to my lower intestines/lower abdomen. We've known my spleen was swollen because 1) I have active mono for the 6th or 7th time and
2) the spleen will swell when it's processing a lot of toxins - or the die off of bacteria. It's tender, swollen and somewhat painful, but I did not think that was much of a problem.
However, my specific prayer request is for tomorrow morning. The doctor has scheduled me for an abdominal sonogram to make sure that everything "looks normal" and it's set for 8:00 a.m. Due to the migrating pain I've had they want to make sure my appendix and other organs are not inflamed/swollen too much or there's nothing else causing the problem. I would hate to have to go through having my appendix removed! Not because of the pain, but because it would be another set back to getting my immune system back in working order! That's why I ask that you pray that the results are favorable. I always pray for God's will to be done - and I'll pray that tonight as well. However, we are to present our specific requests to God with thanksgiving and prayer so tonight I'll be speaking to Him specifically about this!
Thanks to all of you who continue to pray and send me loving thoughts - I do feel every one of them believe me! Without all of your prayers I would never have been able to last 9 months out here! I love you all!!!
OH - my daily calendar verse for today is quite fitting I think:
"To set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." Romans 8:6 (NRSV)
Much love to you all-
K
ORIGINAL POST:
The doctor wants to rule out any major problem before saying that I truly have "Cat Scratch Fever". My fevers have been constant. I've kept an "elevated temperature" of at least 99 degrees for three weeks. For someone whose body temperature is normally 97 degrees that's like having a fever. The fact that it goes up when I am having room temperature IV antibiotics pushed through my body for 2 hours is very weird. However, it goes up to 101 every day in afternoon treatment.
I say this to ask for a specific prayer request. Due to the fevers and the severe abdominal pain I've had, and the bloating of my stomach - basically my belly sticks out from where my esophagus meets my stomach all the way down to my lower intestines/lower abdomen. We've known my spleen was swollen because 1) I have active mono for the 6th or 7th time and
2) the spleen will swell when it's processing a lot of toxins - or the die off of bacteria. It's tender, swollen and somewhat painful, but I did not think that was much of a problem.
However, my specific prayer request is for tomorrow morning. The doctor has scheduled me for an abdominal sonogram to make sure that everything "looks normal" and it's set for 8:00 a.m. Due to the migrating pain I've had they want to make sure my appendix and other organs are not inflamed/swollen too much or there's nothing else causing the problem. I would hate to have to go through having my appendix removed! Not because of the pain, but because it would be another set back to getting my immune system back in working order! That's why I ask that you pray that the results are favorable. I always pray for God's will to be done - and I'll pray that tonight as well. However, we are to present our specific requests to God with thanksgiving and prayer so tonight I'll be speaking to Him specifically about this!
Thanks to all of you who continue to pray and send me loving thoughts - I do feel every one of them believe me! Without all of your prayers I would never have been able to last 9 months out here! I love you all!!!
OH - my daily calendar verse for today is quite fitting I think:
"To set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." Romans 8:6 (NRSV)
Much love to you all-
K
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Battles and Wars
Editor's note (March 17th): I found out this morning that the symptoms I describe below are not completely due to toxin build up from the Clindamycin. The doctor believes I have "Cat Scratch Fever" (yes, that's a real disease) which is caused by Bartonella bacteria. Just wanted to be clear on what's happening.
Update on the health situation…hmmm, where to start? Well, the IV Clindamycin is killing off a lot of stuff which is very good, but my body seems to have overloaded on toxins that are the waste of killing off the bacteria and stuff. Toxin buildup is hard on your body. I’ve been running a fever every day for close to 3 weeks now. At first the doc thought there was a bladder or kidney infection since I had been passing a stone a few weeks ago. Turned up negative and that is good. However, Sunday night I had some of the worst abdominal pain I’ve ever experienced. For those of you who know me, well, that’s saying a lot. I was up until 4:30 a.m. with the pain and felt so awful that I did not go to treatment Monday morning. I went that afternoon and just got IV fluids. I went this morning and got fluids again. I don’t go on Tuesday afternoons anymore just to give my body a break, but I will have IV fluids again tomorrow. In fact, I will have IV fluids until I feel like my body can handle the antibiotics again. M and I talked and we are asking the doctor if I can take a week off at the end of March/beginning of April. We have a meeting with the doctor on Saturday, April 3rd and wanted to have me off IVs for the 5 days before that. We’re hoping to see where I might be off the meds. Basically, the IVs make you feel worse whether it’s from killing off bacteria and leaving toxins or with just the side effects that come along with such strong doses of antibiotics. We think that by having a week off we might be able to better judge where I am physically. We are ready to try and bring me back home to start the oral antibiotics.
The oral antibiotics have their own side effects and also leave toxins in the blood after they kill off bacteria. However, I’d much rather be in my own home, my own bed, feeling horrible than to be away from my husband and my family and still feeling horrible. When we first got here we knew we would have to do IV treatments because I couldn’t absorb anything orally. We hope to see that I am better able to do that now that I have killed off a couple of infections that were in my intestinal tract. Right now I have yet to gain any weight, but that can be due to the IV treatments themselves. Clindamycin takes away my appetite, not that I had much of one to begin with, but at least I’m not losing any more weight.
So, today marks exactly 9 months since I started IV treatment. Every day is a battle. Getting up and going to treatment is a battle, as is treatment itself. The side effects of treatment are a battle. The being away from home for so long is a battle. But these are small battles in the grand scheme of the war that has been taking place in my body. We knew there would be more bad days than good (and there have been). We knew that none of this would be “easy” – physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. However, we knew we had to wage a war against all of this because it was literally killing me. When it comes to your life, your health, you’ll find there’s not much you won’t do in order to “feel better”. We didn’t know how long this would take or how hard it would get or how much of a toll it would take on my body.
One might say we didn’t know anything about this war, but we did. We knew one thing that would get us through these continual battles. We knew one thing that would keep us fighting the good fight in this war. That one thing was our faith in God. We knew He led us to this place, to this doctor, and we trusted His plan. We’ve had to learn so much more about faith since we’ve started this war. This is what I think we have learned: Faith is not something you talk about or discuss in Sunday school. I’ve come to believe that faith is not a noun…it’s a verb. It’s an ACTION verb. Faith is stepping out into the unknown armed with only your belief that God is never going to lead you astray. Faith is stepping out of the boat and onto the water without doubting. Faith is knowing, even during the worst times, that God is there with you always. It’s knowing that while you may be having one of the worst days of your life, God is not torturing you nor has He forgotten you. I think my faith has been honed during my battles in this war. I have cried out to God and I know He has answered me by either giving me peace, or relief in my pain, or just the strength to get through that pain (or a seizure for that matter). I know that He has used all of these battle days to build my faith and to allow me to see that He is in control of everything. I know some might read this and wonder how I could say that God is in control of everything and yet He allowed me to get this sick and why would He do that? But I feel I’ve truly learned what it means when people say, “Ours is not to question why”. It took all of these “bad things” to get me where I needed to be to finally hear His voice. I’m battle weary, this much is true, but I’m still fighting and I think in the end I will win this war. Not because I will have my health, but because I now know that there is nothing more important than giving my life, my health situation, my everything over to God. I have learned what having faith in Him means. I will always have more to learn about faith but I know much more now than I did nine months ago. I know there is no way I could have endured the past nine months, there’s no way I would have even stayed here that long, had it not been for God Himself carrying me through all of this. I hope that I get to come home soon, but I’m leaving that up to God too. We trusted Him when He led us here and we trust He is letting us know when it’s time to leave and head back home.
I appreciate every single prayer people have said for me. It’s been so very humbling at times to find out just how many people have been praying for me. I don’t even know exactly how many, but at one time I think I was on church prayer lists in 15 different states. That’s amazing to me. I cannot even begin to explain how in awe I am that so many people have taken the time to read my rambling blog. I pray that I have used this venue to glorify His name, His grace and moreover His unfailing love. I want people to be aware of Lyme Disease and its’ many co-infections. I want people to understand how misdiagnosed this disease is and how it can destroy your health. I want people to be more aware so that their family members and friends don’t have to struggle through what I have gone through. However, I will say that God never intended the purpose of this blog to be about “Lyme Awareness”…it’s always been meant to spread “God Awareness”. I pray I have done that job justice. I will try and update you all again after my April 3rd meeting. As for now I’m just doing what I can to make it through my daily battles, knowing that God is carrying me through the battles and He is the one who is fighting my war. I cannot be grateful enough for all He has taught me through this nor can I explain how it took me feeling so bad to be able to truly feel His amazing love. I pray you all see some of the hard parts of your life as “faith-stretching opportunities” because that’s what they are. When you ask God to give you more faith just be prepared. He might point out that you have lots of problems that you could hand over to Him while you step out in faith and grasp onto the simple truth that He is the only one who can handle them.
“It is you who made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17 (NRSV)
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his power.” Ephesians 6:10 (NRSV)
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:35-37 (NIV)
Much love-
K
Update on the health situation…hmmm, where to start? Well, the IV Clindamycin is killing off a lot of stuff which is very good, but my body seems to have overloaded on toxins that are the waste of killing off the bacteria and stuff. Toxin buildup is hard on your body. I’ve been running a fever every day for close to 3 weeks now. At first the doc thought there was a bladder or kidney infection since I had been passing a stone a few weeks ago. Turned up negative and that is good. However, Sunday night I had some of the worst abdominal pain I’ve ever experienced. For those of you who know me, well, that’s saying a lot. I was up until 4:30 a.m. with the pain and felt so awful that I did not go to treatment Monday morning. I went that afternoon and just got IV fluids. I went this morning and got fluids again. I don’t go on Tuesday afternoons anymore just to give my body a break, but I will have IV fluids again tomorrow. In fact, I will have IV fluids until I feel like my body can handle the antibiotics again. M and I talked and we are asking the doctor if I can take a week off at the end of March/beginning of April. We have a meeting with the doctor on Saturday, April 3rd and wanted to have me off IVs for the 5 days before that. We’re hoping to see where I might be off the meds. Basically, the IVs make you feel worse whether it’s from killing off bacteria and leaving toxins or with just the side effects that come along with such strong doses of antibiotics. We think that by having a week off we might be able to better judge where I am physically. We are ready to try and bring me back home to start the oral antibiotics.
The oral antibiotics have their own side effects and also leave toxins in the blood after they kill off bacteria. However, I’d much rather be in my own home, my own bed, feeling horrible than to be away from my husband and my family and still feeling horrible. When we first got here we knew we would have to do IV treatments because I couldn’t absorb anything orally. We hope to see that I am better able to do that now that I have killed off a couple of infections that were in my intestinal tract. Right now I have yet to gain any weight, but that can be due to the IV treatments themselves. Clindamycin takes away my appetite, not that I had much of one to begin with, but at least I’m not losing any more weight.
So, today marks exactly 9 months since I started IV treatment. Every day is a battle. Getting up and going to treatment is a battle, as is treatment itself. The side effects of treatment are a battle. The being away from home for so long is a battle. But these are small battles in the grand scheme of the war that has been taking place in my body. We knew there would be more bad days than good (and there have been). We knew that none of this would be “easy” – physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. However, we knew we had to wage a war against all of this because it was literally killing me. When it comes to your life, your health, you’ll find there’s not much you won’t do in order to “feel better”. We didn’t know how long this would take or how hard it would get or how much of a toll it would take on my body.
One might say we didn’t know anything about this war, but we did. We knew one thing that would get us through these continual battles. We knew one thing that would keep us fighting the good fight in this war. That one thing was our faith in God. We knew He led us to this place, to this doctor, and we trusted His plan. We’ve had to learn so much more about faith since we’ve started this war. This is what I think we have learned: Faith is not something you talk about or discuss in Sunday school. I’ve come to believe that faith is not a noun…it’s a verb. It’s an ACTION verb. Faith is stepping out into the unknown armed with only your belief that God is never going to lead you astray. Faith is stepping out of the boat and onto the water without doubting. Faith is knowing, even during the worst times, that God is there with you always. It’s knowing that while you may be having one of the worst days of your life, God is not torturing you nor has He forgotten you. I think my faith has been honed during my battles in this war. I have cried out to God and I know He has answered me by either giving me peace, or relief in my pain, or just the strength to get through that pain (or a seizure for that matter). I know that He has used all of these battle days to build my faith and to allow me to see that He is in control of everything. I know some might read this and wonder how I could say that God is in control of everything and yet He allowed me to get this sick and why would He do that? But I feel I’ve truly learned what it means when people say, “Ours is not to question why”. It took all of these “bad things” to get me where I needed to be to finally hear His voice. I’m battle weary, this much is true, but I’m still fighting and I think in the end I will win this war. Not because I will have my health, but because I now know that there is nothing more important than giving my life, my health situation, my everything over to God. I have learned what having faith in Him means. I will always have more to learn about faith but I know much more now than I did nine months ago. I know there is no way I could have endured the past nine months, there’s no way I would have even stayed here that long, had it not been for God Himself carrying me through all of this. I hope that I get to come home soon, but I’m leaving that up to God too. We trusted Him when He led us here and we trust He is letting us know when it’s time to leave and head back home.
I appreciate every single prayer people have said for me. It’s been so very humbling at times to find out just how many people have been praying for me. I don’t even know exactly how many, but at one time I think I was on church prayer lists in 15 different states. That’s amazing to me. I cannot even begin to explain how in awe I am that so many people have taken the time to read my rambling blog. I pray that I have used this venue to glorify His name, His grace and moreover His unfailing love. I want people to be aware of Lyme Disease and its’ many co-infections. I want people to understand how misdiagnosed this disease is and how it can destroy your health. I want people to be more aware so that their family members and friends don’t have to struggle through what I have gone through. However, I will say that God never intended the purpose of this blog to be about “Lyme Awareness”…it’s always been meant to spread “God Awareness”. I pray I have done that job justice. I will try and update you all again after my April 3rd meeting. As for now I’m just doing what I can to make it through my daily battles, knowing that God is carrying me through the battles and He is the one who is fighting my war. I cannot be grateful enough for all He has taught me through this nor can I explain how it took me feeling so bad to be able to truly feel His amazing love. I pray you all see some of the hard parts of your life as “faith-stretching opportunities” because that’s what they are. When you ask God to give you more faith just be prepared. He might point out that you have lots of problems that you could hand over to Him while you step out in faith and grasp onto the simple truth that He is the only one who can handle them.
“It is you who made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17 (NRSV)
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his power.” Ephesians 6:10 (NRSV)
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:35-37 (NIV)
Much love-
K
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