Emotions versus reason

I'm so emotional right now. Yes, it's after midnight and despite all of modern medicine's best attempts, I am not asleep. I'm crying. I'm crying and I've been crying off and on for about 3 hours. This is not the "normal me"...this is me on drugs - treatment drugs. This is me on IV and oral antibiotics with a brain that keeps wanting to go into seizure mode. This is me who cannot find peace because I let my mind go to the dark places and this is me who seems to find things to worry about. This is the worst version of me - the weak, tired, upset, frustrated, impatient, scared girl (yes, I am 34 and have yet to call myself a "woman"...sigh...we'll address that in therapy after this is all said and done I am sure).

In short, this is me trying to figure out my future, trying to see beyond right now and thinking that I can plan for all sorts of contingencies. But I cannot. If I focus on what is ahead, well, I miss what is happening now. Although what is happening now is no fun and I wish I could just skip right through the whole thing, it is a part of my life here on this earth. It is a part I must go through - whether or not I know the reason matters not.

So, basically this is me when I don't turn to God - instead I get myself all good and worked up, shed copious amounts of tears, imagine horrible scenarios for my future, cry to the point where I have no tears left, and then finally I realize that I wouldn't be so upset if I weren't trying to figure out "secret things". What do I mean by "secret things"? I mean my future. My future is a secret to me and to everyone around me. The only one who knows what my future holds is God. So, when I worry and stress over all the "bad things" that "could" happen instead of reaching for my Bible or just saying a prayer through my tears, I'm trying to control what is beyond my control. I'm stressing over "secret things" that belong only to God unless He decides to share them with me. So far in this journey I've only felt that God wanted me to come to this clinic and see this doctor. He hasn't informed me of the amount of time I will be here or how hard treatment will be or when I might possibly just get to go home and visit my friends and family. I just know that He told me to come here and that's what we did.

Tomorrow - wait scratch that since it's already after midnight - TODAY I have an appointment with my doctor. I will be in that meeting before my afternoon IV treatment session. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the cardiologist that my doctor works with. I wish I felt a little more sane, but it seems I lose my mind before these appointments. I've been losing my mind a lot lately. I've told you all how this new medication for the Babesia is causing me all sorts of trouble and although we've switched my IV treatment around that medication so I am getting just IV fluids every 3 and a half days, well, I still feel crazy. My brain still feels like a ticking time bomb wanting to have another seizure at the drop of a hat. However, with well timed meds I have been keeping that from happening. I will discuss all of this at the meeting of course. I don't know if switching off the IV antibiotics to IV fluids so often is causing me more problems than just being on straight IV antibiotics, but something has to give. I am going to see if it's possible that we stop treating the Babesia for now because I feel the treatment has made me feel worse than the Babesia itself did. However, since Babesia can cause a lack of oxygen (apparently due to red blood cells sticking together more???) then I may have to keep on treating it because it could be why my cardiac issues have been flaring. I don't know. I guess I will know more tomorrow.

So, please pray. My appointment is for 1:00 p.m. which usually means it will start closer to 2:00. Then tomorrow is Tuesday which is "blood draw day" for the side of the clinic my treatment room is located in so I will leave the meeting, walk to the lab to have my blood drawn, then head into the treatment room and start my 2 hour bag of IV antibiotics. Basically, I miss out on having much nap time in between treatments. It will be worse the next day when I go to the cardiologist because that appointment is at 11:00 a.m. Oh, and this will make my Lyme friends laugh. The cardiologist's receptionist called to remind me of my appointment and to tell me I need to bring ALL of my medication - prescription & supplements - to the appointment with me in their bottles. She has no idea what she's asking for...hahaha. I wonder if I should just use a garbage bag to get the point across that I am on many medications. Sad thing is that I need to be adding more this week. I need to be adding Vitamin D & K as well as Iodoral (which I believe helps my body use iodine more efficiently which assists the thyroid hormones - I think??) Of course I will just have to have my amount of IV Doxy, IV Heparin and IV Benadryl written out for them.

Okay. My point is this (yes, I do sometimes have a point) - worrying about all of this is getting me nowhere. Crying for 3 or so hours has gotten me nothing but a headache and a lack of sleep. When I felt that overwhelming out of control feeling hit I should have known to reach for the Bible. I should have known to call out to God. As soon as I picked up a book that has a lot of good scripture verses in it, I immediately came across these:

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your hear and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6 (Amplified Bible)

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 (NIV)

So, had I just gone there first I bet I wouldn't have this headache. I know I would be asleep (well, I had to share this with you all first, so I might still be typing) and as the saying goes, "all would be right with the world." However, I failed to do that. The good thing is that God didn't allow me to wallow in my failure. He kept pressing on my heart until I turned to face Him. When you keep your eyes on Him, the rest of it just falls away. The worry washes off and a sense of calm surrounds you. This is not by my doing - it's what happens when you truly focus on God and allow Him to lead your thoughts. I was emotional and upset. He knew that. He also knew that I was worried about my future, about how long I'll be here, about the length of time I will have to feel this bad and He saw me trying to reason out what I would tell the doctor tomorrow. He then saw me get despondent about that appointment, deciding I did not even want to go and hear what news there might be. I went from overly emotional, to trying to reason with my mind, to finally feeling God push me towards the simple truth. I have nothing to worry about because He is with me. He has plans for me - "secret plans" - plans I will find out as I go about day by day putting my trust in Him.

So there - I'm not this strong pillar of faith. I'm a simple human being who fails miserably and will always fall short which is why I need the grace of God to help me through this life. I have never done a thing to earn that grace - no one could ever do enough to "earn God's grace". It is something He wants to give as part of His unconditional love for us. God is good and He is strong. He is the only sanity I seem to find in this journey. I am so grateful that He allows me to stumble, fall, and even fail and He still forgives my many mistakes and patiently waits while I remember just who He is and what He can do - He is the great "I am". He can do anything and I pray that His will be done in my life tomorrow during my meeting, the next day with the cardiologist, and the day after that, and the day after that, and every day that I am breathing and living on this earth I pray that I continue to hear His call and go to Him with my troubles instead of troubling myself with worry.

Much love to you all. Hope this wasn't a horrible ramble of an entry. Sometimes I just get started and keep on going. But now my hands are saying "STOP" because they hurt. So stop I will and I think I will close my eyes and sleep in the peace that can only come from God. Thank you Lord for all that you do and for all that you are. I hope you get to feel His presence in your life today. Be still - He will come to you if you ask Him.