Soul cleansing and silence...

I wish I were able to write more often on here. However, I am so tired and I sometimes feel that when I write then, I'm not communicating what God wants me to communicate.

I'll start with the health news. Basically I'm having a really hard time physically because of the flu and the Babesia. My joints hurt, my muscles ache, and my hands and feet are in constant pain it seems. In the mornings they hurt the worst and I wake up with my knuckles swollen and even have a hard time in the beginning of treatment pushing the syringes of Heparin and Benadryl into my PICC line. However, those are things I can deal with. They aren't fun, but they aren't sheer misery either.

My mental state is up and down though. Some days I'll be feeling really good only to find myself ready to cry 5 minutes later. This can be caused by many things. First, treatment is just hard and it is especially hard on a body that was already wearing itself out. Second, the flu brings with it a slight fever and I can get weepy with fevers (which I hate) and the Babesia makes my mood swings all but impossible to predict! Third and last, but perhaps the most important of all, is that I'm in a place with many very ill patients. This can cause me heartache because there are some amazing people here with such awesome fighting spirits! They show me every day the meaning of true inner strength and they are usually the same people who glorify God and praise Him in the midst of their immense physical problems. Then there are some people who seem to only focus on how bad they feel or how they feel so much worse than the other patients. Some like to think their suffering is so much greater or more important than the suffering of others. I feel the need to explain here that Lyme (and its many co-infections) attack the brain in several ways. So, a lot of people honestly don't have control over their brains (lack of neurotransmitters that help ward off depression is common and one of the big symptoms with a lot of these infections is rage and anger). They can't seem to help the anger and bitterness they feel. However, I do believe that if they were willing and trusted God with their problems that He could save them from those thoughts, or He may even help them rid their brain of those types of thoughts entirely - He's God, He can do anything!

When I see that negative behavior in someone, my first thought is of how sad I feel for them because it must be a miserable life to live when all you focus on is your sickness or your pain. By focusing on all the negatives these people really end up just causing themselves even more grief and suffering. I have to pray and ask God to help change my outlook or my mood so that I can be positive rather than allowing myself to wallow in misery, crying out about how unfair all of this is. I have to make a conscious choice to get God to help me change how I feel so I can focus on the good instead of the bad. I always try to be positive at the clinic because I love to be around other people and it makes my day if I can make someone smile or laugh. I feel like the best gift I have received from my chronic illness is all the "down time" I had to really take a deep look at what kind of person I was versus what kind of person I wanted to become. It's hard when you don't feel well, when you hurt, or when you're simply just exhausted to think that you have the energy or ability to change who you are inside, but it's not difficult if you ask God to grant you the strength to do so. You have to ask for His strength because our human strength isn't enough. I have to allow God to help me with my attitude and temperament. I hope that I am able to help others see that God, not me, is responsible for my positive attitude and my ability to joke through the hard times. I want to encourage other people and try to make them laugh because I think the more we look at all the joy we DO have in our lives, the less we see the problems in our lives because we are refocusing our view.

Paul wrote in Philippians that we are to present our requests to God with prayer and thanksgiving. I've found that beginning prayer by thanking God for the many wonderful things that I have in my life often reassures me of His constant presence. It allows me to see that He has gone before me and taken care of problems that I didn't even know to pray about. It convinces me that He is making the trail for my life and if I listen to Him, and Him alone, I will be happy and joyful despite the twists and turns that He may have put in my life's trail. Notice I didn't say that if I listen to Him alone my life will be problem-free, because that just isn't what happens. This world is full of problems and we will have to go through times of trouble, but He is with us every step of the way. He will NOT give us more than we can bear. He does not work like that. God is good in every sense of the word. He's more than good (at least in our human understanding of that word) - He is LOVE. He is simply unfathomable, unconditional love.

Now, some of the people I meet here are seem more interested in being sick than getting well. I think it's because they have usually been sick for as long as they can remember and they aren't sure what their lives will be like "after" - it sounds strange, but all change is hard. Even change that sounds like it should be so very positive. People just get used to their version of "normal". You don't know how much my heart hurts for them. I can't imagine being in that mindset, but like I said, these infections often make a lot of changes to your brain. I pray for them, I try to show them that just because you're sick doesn't mean that you can't laugh or have joy in your life. Yet, sometimes those people don't want to hear about joy because they are too fixated on the pain, the physical struggles of being ill. I can understand that in some ways because you do have to work to get past your pain. You have to consciously work to be positive in this place - you have to want to get well in order to get well. It's just that simple.

So, there are some people who I just can't reach, or at least at the moment I feel that I am failing at reaching them. God has work left to do in them before He can use me to explain how happiness is not some unattainable goal for the chronically ill. I want to share this message and I want to see it change lives. However, God is telling me that while I may be granted the gift of seeing some people's attitudes change, He also says I may only get to plant the seed, I may never see it grow into a fruitful tree. But I like to think I am planting as many seeds as possible while I'm here.

I also feel like God is trying to teach me that I am not always supposed plant these seeds with words. God is also teaching me about silence. About my being silent when often times I would just keep on talking. I'm trying to learn how to be silent so that I may better hear His words and His will for me. In the book I seem to quote all the time "100 Days In The Secret Place" I found this writing from the 1600s:

"God is your true friend and will always give you the counsel and comfort you need. Do not resist Him! Learn to listen to Him in silence so that you won't miss a word of what He says to you. You know a lot about outward silence, but little about inward silence. You must practice quieting your restless imagination. Stop listening to your unrenewed mind and the kind of logic it has! Get used to coming to God and asking Him for help when He asks you for something you are afraid to give." Archbishop Fenelon of France

So, some days I try to just be quiet and still and feel His presence. I know this experience isn't just a time for me to regain a healthy body, it's a time for me to regain a healthy mind and learn how to trust God with every ounce of my being. I've said many times that I had to be stripped of so many things before I was able to truly listen to God and understand how important it was to develop a much deeper relationship with Him. He's using this process to "cleanse my soul" as described by Michael Molinos in his writings from the 1600s (also quoted from the book "100 Days In The Secret Place"):

"There are two ways for the soul to be cleansed. The first is through affliction, anguish, distress, and inward torment. The second is through the fire of a burning love, a love impatient and hungry.
It is true that sometimes the Lord uses both of these ways to deal with our souls. ALL revelation and insight into God, all true experiential knowledge of God, ARISES FROM SUFFERING, which is the truest proof of love.
Oh, how I hope and wish for you that you can understand the great good that comes from tribulation. Tribulation cleanses the soul. The cleansing of the soul through tribulation is what produces patience.
Within tribulation can come inflamed prayer.
In the midst of tribulation we can exercise the most sublime acts of love and charity. To rejoice in the midst of tribulation brings us near to God. It is tribulation which annihilates and refines. It is that which takes the earthen and transforms it to the heavenly. Out of the human it brings forth the divine...transforming one and bringing it to the other, uniting them with the Lord.
Oh Christian, if you would know how to be CONSTANT in the fire of tribulation and QUIET in the first of tribulation, to be washed with the waters of affliction, then you would discover just how soon divine goodness would make its throne in your soul. There, in that good habitation, God would be able to refresh and solace Himself." - Michael Molinos

So you see, even if I cannot see past the pain some days, I can at least see what God is teaching me through the pain. I can see how the pain and suffering will help me better understand others' pain and like Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

I'm trying to use this time to learn as much as possible about myself, about dealing with others who are suffering, and most importantly, about trying to spread God's love and joy to everyone I come across. Some days I fail miserably and I go home feeling sad because I spoke without first asking God to speak through me, or I allowed my own "bad day" to cross over to someone else's day which just spreads the "blahs" around to others. However, God is teaching me every day how to lean on Him for words, deeds and definitely for attitude. I strive to show God's love through my words, my actions, and hopefully even through my attitude.

"But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen." 2 Peter 3:18

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" Matthew 19:26

Thank you all again for reading my ramblings and most of all for continuing to keep me in your prayers. I hope to get well so I can go around and tell people about the amazing ways God used His people and their prayers to heal me. I hope you all have wonderful weekends!

Much love-
K