I know I haven't written in a while and it seems some people start to worry about me if I'm not running my mouth (aka typing too much)! Things have been much better this week. I did start back on the Bicillin shots Friday and the flu just won't go away so mix the two together & I've been really tired and irritable. Yet, for some reason I have been unable to really sleep. I'm in a mental holding pattern for now I think. Trying to keep from allowing these physical circumstances control over my emotions and my feelings.
It was very hard to watch M leave this time. I think this was the first time that we got to have a really good visit and so of course it seemed to fly by too fast. But again, I am truly blessed to have mom here cooking, and more importantly just loving on me.
I can't really explain how hard treatment is to people who haven't been through it. The IV antibiotics are hard on your body and that's good really because I want to knock all this mess out of me as fast as possible. However, I'm so tired that I feel like the walking dead. I've been a little down in the dumps this weekend. The Bicillin shots can make me a bit depressed & weepy - don't know why but I've had other people tell me they had similar reactions so at least I don't feel alone! I know that "down feeling" will leave, but I want it gone NOW because it makes it hard to want to go through treatments.
Okay - no more of this talk. It's time to "buck up" or "man up" or whatever people say when they really mean, "Suck it up & get over it!". I simply wanted everyone to know that my lack of entries weren't due to me feeling physically bad. I usually only write when 1 of 2 things happen. First, if I get some medical news and want to share that and let you all know what's going on with me physically. But mainly I write when I feel God's leading me to do so. I haven't felt a push from Him to share anything or post anything, but I did want everyone to know that my absence of entries doesn't mean anything bad nor does it mean I'm feeling worse mentally or physically.
Mom & I meet with the IV doctor again late Tuesday so I'm hoping we have some good news to share after that. I've started back on the few supplements slowly and had no troubles last week from any of them - YAY! Last night I started back on the oral antibiotic, Cipro, and so far so good. If I feel like I do really well with the Cipro for the first 3 nights then I might ask her if I can add any others during this week. I already have 3-4 to start next Saturday if things go well with the Cipro, but I am ready to get back on the horse!!!
God has made me see that I cannot rush this process. Literally I cannot push my body or my body will push back & it pushes back way too hard - usually landing me in the E.R. So, pray for me to have more patience. I want to get well fast, but it took a long time for me to get this sick so I know I can't expect to get well overnight! I'm trying to keep handing over my life - all of it - my successes and my failures - to God to allow Him to show me what He wants me to do. Right now I think He just wants me to work on healing and then when He's ready, He'll make it VERY clear what He wants me to work on next. For now, I just pray to keep my spirits lifted knowing that He is holding me up when I feel too weak to push on. He is leading me through this valley and I know if I continue to follow Him, I will end up somewhere beautiful.
I also know that these "rough times" are actually times God uses to purify my soul. I found a quote in that book "100 Days In The Secret Place" that describes how to deal with hard circumstances:
"Your Lord desires to purify your soul, and He can use a very rough file. Yes, He may even assault the purer and nobler things of your life! These assaults serve as a revelation to awaken the human soul...for the soul to truly discover, to truly know just how miserable is its natural state. And, if you seek spiritual counsel from someone during such times, it is possible that you may receive some help...but you would be very wise not to expect help. Deep within you is a place of internal peace, and if you are to come through these periods and if you are not to lose that peace it is necessary for you to believe. You must believe in the fineness of Divine mercy...even when that mercy humbles, afflicts and tries you. how happy you will be if you will simply be quiet before the Lord! Even if these times are caused by the devil, you are nonetheless in the sovereign hand of God, and these things will turn our for your gain and spiritual profit." - from the writings of Michael Molinos in the 1600s
I may feel that God is using a rough file on me right now, but in my heart I know He files as gently as possible to obtain His desired results - purifying my soul. Thank you Lord for reminding me that while sometimes you may feel further away from me, you truly never leave my side. Thank you for all the times you have lifted me up and carried me through circumstances that would have otherwise crushed my spirit. I know you are teaching me so many things right now - patience is just one of them. I continue to cry out to you, God - in both good and bad times. I continue to trust in the plans you have for my life. Thank you for allowing me to see that just because nothing seems to "be happening" this week as far as my health is concerned, that doesn't mean nothing is happening in my soul. Please keep me focused on your will and your ways.
Thank you all for your prayers - they mean more to me than anything. Much love to you all!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
It's ALWAYS our choice
When I say it’s always our choice I mean that we, as human beings, get to choose how we act or react to different situations. I know that how we act is very important. However, I think there are times when it’s our “reactions” that reveal more about our true nature. I guess as we get older all people learn to say “the right thing” to others – whether it’s a compliment, or a simple answer like, “Oh I’m fine!” in response to the question, “How are you today?” Whatever we say or do or think – it is always our choice. God gave the animals instincts and He gave us free will. Why am I mentioning this? Because I think we have all gotten caught up in the distractions of this world. ALL of us have at some time or another because it is so very easy to do. However, when we are in that mindset we are really choosing to care much more about what other people think of us instead of caring about GOD thinks of us. This world is dangerous ground, my friends, full of all sorts of things that can pull us away from God and what His plan for our lives might be.
I know this because I lived it. For a long time I was not concerned about God’s plan for me, I was concerned about MY plan for me. So I point no fingers at anyone else because the first finger would be pointed glaringly at me. It wasn’t until everything was stripped away from me – my health, my job, my ability to take care of myself – that I got to see what choices I had been making. I must admit that when God allowed me to see the choices I had made year after year, I was ashamed, humbled, embarrassed, and honestly, I wished I hadn’t had to see all of my “wrong choices”. But God gently showed me how to start retraining my brain so that my decision making skills came not from my brain, but from my soul – where He sent the Holy Spirit to live in me. Now, am I always making the “right decision” these days? NO. I wish I could say differently, but all I can offer is that every day I TRY to make the right decisions and sometimes God allows me to see where I was successful. Yet, before I praise myself too much He also shows me where I could have done some things differently!
Okay, so what does all of this have to do with me in Kansas City and my health situation? Well, everything really. As you all know the emergency surgery I had where my right ovary had to be removed hit me very hard. I have written about how I questioned God about “WHY???” and how I was mad at God. The weeks since the surgery have been a soul searching time for me. I have literally mourned the loss of that ovary – and I think as a 34 year old woman who desperately wants to have children, that is probably what I needed to do – mourn. But what comes after that? When I went back to the clinic for treatments post surgery I was a shell of my former self. I wasn’t laughing or trying to make others laugh, nor was I really paying attention to anything around me. I was going through the motions – I was one of the walking dead – I was so confused as to what God expected of me. How did He think I would handle this loss? How could He expect me to see this as something positive or good? I was an emotional, physical and spiritual wreck. I’ve said before that I get depressed after being put under general anesthesia and it lingers for about 4+ weeks sometimes. I also don’t like being on strong pain medications because while there are times that they are truly a life saver – I feel as though I’m walking through my life in a hazy fog.
So where do I stand now? How do I feel about all of this? Where do I put it in perspective with God’s will for my life? First, I have decided not to go into detail about the horrific treatment I received at the hands of the doctor who was on call & did the surgery. I will only say that I have never been treated so callously nor have I ever seen a doctor look pleased when they responded to a question from a very upset and very scared patient. He caused the situation to be so much more traumatic for me than it would have been otherwise. I have been told by several doctors to write a letter to the board of the hospital detailing my treatment (or lack thereof) by this physician. Some have said to write the state medical board. So far I have drafted no letters. I will say this though. I do not hate that man even though I wanted to for awhile. I don’t particularly like him but I will continue to pray on that. And honestly, if his wife or daughter (if he has either) were ever put in the same situation as I, my greatest prayer would be that they received a much better doctor than I did in my time of need.
I say that much only so you can understand that my experience wasn’t just scary – it actually caused me to have PTSD (or post traumatic stress disorder) and my other doctors saw this. The patient they saw after that surgery was nothing close to the woman they had seen before. I lost a lot of my zest and I lost a lot of the fight I had in me to battle these multiple illnesses I have. Sad thing is, you can’t get well if you just give up. I was there – I was ready to just give up. I didn’t see the point in any of it anymore. I walked around in fear thinking this could just as easily happen to my one remaining ovary. I withdrew from everyone and everything. I was simply a shell of the person I know myself to be.
Then my wonderful husband came into town and said something that touched my heart. He asked me why I was so very worried about all of this – having babies, etc. I probably looked at him like he was a fool, but I said, “Because it’s all I ever wanted.” He replied, “K, God has a plan for our lives and it is a good plan. But we have to trust Him. You don’t need to worry about this right now.” I realized that he was right. What had happened was that I was trusting God with everything in my life – or so I thought. In reality, I trusted Him with everything but I hadn’t trusted Him with my deepest heartfelt desire of becoming a mother. So, I realized that I had to put that at His feet as well. EVERYTHING – ALL OF ME – I have to put that all at His feet. I learned that I was only giving God authority over 95% or so of my life. It doesn’t work that way. I think the devil wanted me to blame God for losing that ovary. But after a lot of prayer and some time with my sweet husband, I came to see that I have no idea how this life of mine will turn out. I do know that I want God to be in control of it because I still find myself making a mess out of simple choices every day.
We met with my IV doc on Thursday and found out that my blood levels are up (in the 10s now and we’re hoping by next week they will be in the 12-15 range which is “normal”). My potassium is back to normal, my protein is back to normal. Basically I got to see on paper that my body is healing from this trauma. God is healing my body from this horrible incident, so why should I worry that He wouldn’t heal my soul? It took a day or two for that to sink in but by yesterday afternoon I finally felt like my old self again. I went to afternoon treatment sessions and I laughed and I made other people laugh and it felt good. I felt like a weight had been lifted and honestly it had – the worry had been removed from my soul. I am healing. It is slow but that’s okay because I have given God reign over my healing. I put my faith in Him.
This morning at treatment I realized that Monday will be 3 weeks since the surgery. I thought that sounded about right. I looked back and realized I had given myself 4-5 days to be in shock afterwards, another 4-5 days to focus on the horrendous pain, and another 4-5 days to mourn the loss of that ovary. I don’t think God has a problem with me mourning for a few days because He knows we need to grieve before we can be joyful again. I am happy to announce that my husband came here Wednesday and he brought a lot of joy with him as he usually does. I love that about him. He makes me laugh every single day. It’s hard not to laugh when he’s around. So, the timing of his visit was perfectly planned – and I know God knew when to send him.
I know I have finally returned to “my version of normal” now though. This morning one of the treatment nurses was commenting on how much better I am moving around. She jokingly said, “Well look at you speed demon! You’re getting around much better!” And my irreverent humor came out again as I said, “They keep on trying to hold me back and they cannot! This time they even stabbed me in the abdomen and stole one of my ovaries and I’m still here – they can’t get rid of me that easily. In fact, I think that right ovary was just weighing me down. I bet you now that it’s gone I’ll be faster than ever! They thought they were slowing me down but they might have just speeded me up!!!” And I laughed about my loss. That’s when I knew God was still right there beside me. Allowing me to process my hurts in my own way and showing me that He will take care of tomorrow if I will only try and make the right choices today. Today the right choice is to show people how to come back from something that hurt you – traumatized you even. You just keep on counting on God to be The Great Physician and you honestly make the CHOICE to realize that everyone has their own “hurts” and no matter how great yours may seem in the moment, there are others who have it so much worse. So, I lost my right ovary. I still have my left one and I can still have a baby if God chooses to bless me with one. Other people have lost so much more and made the choice to move forward in the most positive way possible. The best way to get over your own pain is to try and help others who are in pain. I think that’s why I like to make people laugh during our treatments, it’s my small way of trying to lift their pain for just a moment.
Thank you Lord for being with me constantly and showing me how you wanted me to handle this “hurt” of mine. I pray that you show me how to be a shining light of your love as I keep on pushing through these treatments. I am in awe of how much love you have for all of us “imperfect people” and I pray you help me see people how you see them – with amazing, unconditional love.
I pray for all of you who read this as well and I love you all. I am constantly in awe of the many people that I hear from who are praying for me. I hope you all know that without your prayers I might not have gotten over my “loss” in such a good way. GOD IS SO GOOD – GOD IS SO GOOD – GOD IS SO GOOD, HE’S SO GOOD TO ME. I still love singing that song I learned in Sunday school 30+ years ago because it still rings true.
“I love the Lord because he hears and answers my prayers. Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath!” Psalm 116:1-2 (NLT)
“Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5 (NIV)
I will end this VERY LENGTHY entry with a beautiful quote:
“God comforts. He lays His right hand on the wounded soul…and He says, as if that were the only soul in all the universe: O greatly beloved, fear not: peace be unto thee.” – Amy Carmichael
I know this because I lived it. For a long time I was not concerned about God’s plan for me, I was concerned about MY plan for me. So I point no fingers at anyone else because the first finger would be pointed glaringly at me. It wasn’t until everything was stripped away from me – my health, my job, my ability to take care of myself – that I got to see what choices I had been making. I must admit that when God allowed me to see the choices I had made year after year, I was ashamed, humbled, embarrassed, and honestly, I wished I hadn’t had to see all of my “wrong choices”. But God gently showed me how to start retraining my brain so that my decision making skills came not from my brain, but from my soul – where He sent the Holy Spirit to live in me. Now, am I always making the “right decision” these days? NO. I wish I could say differently, but all I can offer is that every day I TRY to make the right decisions and sometimes God allows me to see where I was successful. Yet, before I praise myself too much He also shows me where I could have done some things differently!
Okay, so what does all of this have to do with me in Kansas City and my health situation? Well, everything really. As you all know the emergency surgery I had where my right ovary had to be removed hit me very hard. I have written about how I questioned God about “WHY???” and how I was mad at God. The weeks since the surgery have been a soul searching time for me. I have literally mourned the loss of that ovary – and I think as a 34 year old woman who desperately wants to have children, that is probably what I needed to do – mourn. But what comes after that? When I went back to the clinic for treatments post surgery I was a shell of my former self. I wasn’t laughing or trying to make others laugh, nor was I really paying attention to anything around me. I was going through the motions – I was one of the walking dead – I was so confused as to what God expected of me. How did He think I would handle this loss? How could He expect me to see this as something positive or good? I was an emotional, physical and spiritual wreck. I’ve said before that I get depressed after being put under general anesthesia and it lingers for about 4+ weeks sometimes. I also don’t like being on strong pain medications because while there are times that they are truly a life saver – I feel as though I’m walking through my life in a hazy fog.
So where do I stand now? How do I feel about all of this? Where do I put it in perspective with God’s will for my life? First, I have decided not to go into detail about the horrific treatment I received at the hands of the doctor who was on call & did the surgery. I will only say that I have never been treated so callously nor have I ever seen a doctor look pleased when they responded to a question from a very upset and very scared patient. He caused the situation to be so much more traumatic for me than it would have been otherwise. I have been told by several doctors to write a letter to the board of the hospital detailing my treatment (or lack thereof) by this physician. Some have said to write the state medical board. So far I have drafted no letters. I will say this though. I do not hate that man even though I wanted to for awhile. I don’t particularly like him but I will continue to pray on that. And honestly, if his wife or daughter (if he has either) were ever put in the same situation as I, my greatest prayer would be that they received a much better doctor than I did in my time of need.
I say that much only so you can understand that my experience wasn’t just scary – it actually caused me to have PTSD (or post traumatic stress disorder) and my other doctors saw this. The patient they saw after that surgery was nothing close to the woman they had seen before. I lost a lot of my zest and I lost a lot of the fight I had in me to battle these multiple illnesses I have. Sad thing is, you can’t get well if you just give up. I was there – I was ready to just give up. I didn’t see the point in any of it anymore. I walked around in fear thinking this could just as easily happen to my one remaining ovary. I withdrew from everyone and everything. I was simply a shell of the person I know myself to be.
Then my wonderful husband came into town and said something that touched my heart. He asked me why I was so very worried about all of this – having babies, etc. I probably looked at him like he was a fool, but I said, “Because it’s all I ever wanted.” He replied, “K, God has a plan for our lives and it is a good plan. But we have to trust Him. You don’t need to worry about this right now.” I realized that he was right. What had happened was that I was trusting God with everything in my life – or so I thought. In reality, I trusted Him with everything but I hadn’t trusted Him with my deepest heartfelt desire of becoming a mother. So, I realized that I had to put that at His feet as well. EVERYTHING – ALL OF ME – I have to put that all at His feet. I learned that I was only giving God authority over 95% or so of my life. It doesn’t work that way. I think the devil wanted me to blame God for losing that ovary. But after a lot of prayer and some time with my sweet husband, I came to see that I have no idea how this life of mine will turn out. I do know that I want God to be in control of it because I still find myself making a mess out of simple choices every day.
We met with my IV doc on Thursday and found out that my blood levels are up (in the 10s now and we’re hoping by next week they will be in the 12-15 range which is “normal”). My potassium is back to normal, my protein is back to normal. Basically I got to see on paper that my body is healing from this trauma. God is healing my body from this horrible incident, so why should I worry that He wouldn’t heal my soul? It took a day or two for that to sink in but by yesterday afternoon I finally felt like my old self again. I went to afternoon treatment sessions and I laughed and I made other people laugh and it felt good. I felt like a weight had been lifted and honestly it had – the worry had been removed from my soul. I am healing. It is slow but that’s okay because I have given God reign over my healing. I put my faith in Him.
This morning at treatment I realized that Monday will be 3 weeks since the surgery. I thought that sounded about right. I looked back and realized I had given myself 4-5 days to be in shock afterwards, another 4-5 days to focus on the horrendous pain, and another 4-5 days to mourn the loss of that ovary. I don’t think God has a problem with me mourning for a few days because He knows we need to grieve before we can be joyful again. I am happy to announce that my husband came here Wednesday and he brought a lot of joy with him as he usually does. I love that about him. He makes me laugh every single day. It’s hard not to laugh when he’s around. So, the timing of his visit was perfectly planned – and I know God knew when to send him.
I know I have finally returned to “my version of normal” now though. This morning one of the treatment nurses was commenting on how much better I am moving around. She jokingly said, “Well look at you speed demon! You’re getting around much better!” And my irreverent humor came out again as I said, “They keep on trying to hold me back and they cannot! This time they even stabbed me in the abdomen and stole one of my ovaries and I’m still here – they can’t get rid of me that easily. In fact, I think that right ovary was just weighing me down. I bet you now that it’s gone I’ll be faster than ever! They thought they were slowing me down but they might have just speeded me up!!!” And I laughed about my loss. That’s when I knew God was still right there beside me. Allowing me to process my hurts in my own way and showing me that He will take care of tomorrow if I will only try and make the right choices today. Today the right choice is to show people how to come back from something that hurt you – traumatized you even. You just keep on counting on God to be The Great Physician and you honestly make the CHOICE to realize that everyone has their own “hurts” and no matter how great yours may seem in the moment, there are others who have it so much worse. So, I lost my right ovary. I still have my left one and I can still have a baby if God chooses to bless me with one. Other people have lost so much more and made the choice to move forward in the most positive way possible. The best way to get over your own pain is to try and help others who are in pain. I think that’s why I like to make people laugh during our treatments, it’s my small way of trying to lift their pain for just a moment.
Thank you Lord for being with me constantly and showing me how you wanted me to handle this “hurt” of mine. I pray that you show me how to be a shining light of your love as I keep on pushing through these treatments. I am in awe of how much love you have for all of us “imperfect people” and I pray you help me see people how you see them – with amazing, unconditional love.
I pray for all of you who read this as well and I love you all. I am constantly in awe of the many people that I hear from who are praying for me. I hope you all know that without your prayers I might not have gotten over my “loss” in such a good way. GOD IS SO GOOD – GOD IS SO GOOD – GOD IS SO GOOD, HE’S SO GOOD TO ME. I still love singing that song I learned in Sunday school 30+ years ago because it still rings true.
“I love the Lord because he hears and answers my prayers. Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath!” Psalm 116:1-2 (NLT)
“Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5 (NIV)
I will end this VERY LENGTHY entry with a beautiful quote:
“God comforts. He lays His right hand on the wounded soul…and He says, as if that were the only soul in all the universe: O greatly beloved, fear not: peace be unto thee.” – Amy Carmichael
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
When will I ever learn?
First health update - got to start the Heparin again yesterday. They had to hold off because I still had not been making enough blood to compensate for what was lost in the surgery. I'm still not in the "normal range" but they are puting me on a supplement to help with that. So, I pray that the Heparin takes away a lot of this anxiety from my mind now. I feel better just knowing that I am getting the small dose that I am for now. I am still very weak, but we're hoping that as I build my blood levels back up to normal that I will feel stronger as well. For now the only oral meds I am being allowed to take is that new supplement, a prescription for Potassium because mine fell so low after the surgery and of course, my ever present Ativan and Valium. I think God makes sure that I don't go without those because He knows I can't handle all this mess with my crazy brain!
Oh and mom went home this morning and M is here for a week. It's always a hard adjustment for me because I get used to how one of the does things and then it makes it hard for the other one to come back and get into the groove of things. However, I am very happy to see my husband. This is the first time I've seen him since before the surgery and if you think I'm happy you should see the dance that little m is doing for his daddy! Prancing around and trying to get him to throw the ball, or give him some food - either one will work. Now for my real reason for writing.
Well, I'm sure you can tell from my lack of entries lately that I haven't felt up to much of anything. However, that's only partly true. Basically I've been really upset with God. I've told Him this - He knows and He will eventually show me how to let go of the anger all over again. The main problem is losing my ovary. No, I do understand that I can still go on and have lots of babies with just one ovary. The problem is that I didn't understand WHY it had to happen? We (M, me, our friends & family) had really hoped and prayed that after 3-4 months I would be able to leave here & go home and continue my treatment on oral medications there. However, while I do know that miracles can happen, I know that right now with all my setbacks I'll be staying here for a good while longer.
Oh - the other problem is that going under general anesthesia really makes me depressed. I hate it more than anything. I wish the depression lifted as fast as the anesthesia did, but it lingers for 4-6 weeks sometimes. I know that's the other part of the problem. I'm depressed, hormonal, basically more of a wreck that when I got here. But God seems to be telling me that in order for me to really lean on Him, in order to know what real faith is, I have to be willing to go to the bottom of the pit and do nothing but praise His name.
And honestly I do have so many reasons to praise His name. After the surgery I felt alone, abandoned, and I wasn't real sure where God was in the grand scheme of everything. However, I prayed one night that I could feel His love for me. That He would allow me to feel His love surrounding me during this very difficult and confusing time. Kid you not, the very next day I got 2 packages and like 4 cards in the mail. Cards from my in-laws Sunday school class, from people that are praying so much for me even though they haven't seen me since high school, I got a very sweet and uplifting CD of praise music (thank you Lavonda!). I got a box full of goodies from one of my best friends (and even though I haven't formally thanked her - she knows how I feel). Basically I got a big heap of love from God through all these people who wanted me to FEEL their love around me at a time when they couldn't come see me at my house.
I'm still a little dazed and confused about all that's happened. The pain patch worked but it "stopped me up" to put that in the least offensive of terms and the pain that came from the numerous bathroom visits was horrible. I'm still dealing with it and haven't figured it all out - the "whys" of this journey. The fact is that I may never know why - for any of this - until I get to Heaven and ask God myself. Of course, it would be nice to see something good come of all of this while I was here on earth and I know that the most important thing of all is that no matter how upset I get or how mad I feel towards God - I KNOW HE LOVES ME. I KNOW HE COUNTS EVERY TEAR. I KNOW THAT HE HURTS FOR HIS CHILDREN. AND I KNOW THAT THIS IMPERFECT WORLD IS OUR OWN DOING - NOT HIS.
I must say how amazed I am that the devil can still get to me so easy, but I shouldn't be. I mean, of course the devil would want to stop me. Stop me from praising God during my time of trouble. Stop me from seeing God's hand in everything and make me start wondering why God's hand had disappeared. The devil wants to confuse you and believe me, I have been confused. God knows that, God knows my heart. I may be upset, but He will deliver me from this just as He has delivered me from everything else and that my friends is a promise. Why do we make the mistake of believing that this world is the "easy world" when it clearly is not? Why do we not see that things of this world are only here for a moment and that it's eternity that we should be looking forward to? This world has beautiful things and creatures and people in it & God wants us to enjoy those things that He made for us. He wants us to go out & spread His word and His love. And I've sat here and questioned both of those things here lately. I'm ashamed to admit it was so easy to get me confused. But it happens and we just have to recognize where that confusion is coming from and like I've said before - GOD IS NOT THE AUTHOR OF CONFUSION.
Please Lord, let me do whatever task you have set before me with grace and confidence in your love. Do not allow me to be swayed because for a moment things seem to be going in the exact opposite direction than what I want. Please give me the strength to carry on through and do whatever it is YOU want me to do. Allow me to see just how silly it is for little old me who knows nothing of the future you have planned for her, to be mad at you for something like removing an ovary that was causing me pain. And mainly, Lord, please let me walk through this with my eyes constantly set on YOU and YOUR WAYS. Let the desire for me to run my own life fall away, let the idea that I know what's best for me just fade away, let me know every single day that it is always YOU not me, that knows what will happen in my life. I praise your name Lord and I stand in shame for having been tossed around and allowing myself to wallow in such horrible self-pity.
Thank you so very much for all of your prayers. They are helping so much and I feel that. I feel blessed to have so many people care enough to read this and who take time out of their lives to pray for me. I can't thank you enough. Just know that I love you all.
"God - his way is perfect, the promise of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:30
Oh and mom went home this morning and M is here for a week. It's always a hard adjustment for me because I get used to how one of the does things and then it makes it hard for the other one to come back and get into the groove of things. However, I am very happy to see my husband. This is the first time I've seen him since before the surgery and if you think I'm happy you should see the dance that little m is doing for his daddy! Prancing around and trying to get him to throw the ball, or give him some food - either one will work. Now for my real reason for writing.
Well, I'm sure you can tell from my lack of entries lately that I haven't felt up to much of anything. However, that's only partly true. Basically I've been really upset with God. I've told Him this - He knows and He will eventually show me how to let go of the anger all over again. The main problem is losing my ovary. No, I do understand that I can still go on and have lots of babies with just one ovary. The problem is that I didn't understand WHY it had to happen? We (M, me, our friends & family) had really hoped and prayed that after 3-4 months I would be able to leave here & go home and continue my treatment on oral medications there. However, while I do know that miracles can happen, I know that right now with all my setbacks I'll be staying here for a good while longer.
Oh - the other problem is that going under general anesthesia really makes me depressed. I hate it more than anything. I wish the depression lifted as fast as the anesthesia did, but it lingers for 4-6 weeks sometimes. I know that's the other part of the problem. I'm depressed, hormonal, basically more of a wreck that when I got here. But God seems to be telling me that in order for me to really lean on Him, in order to know what real faith is, I have to be willing to go to the bottom of the pit and do nothing but praise His name.
And honestly I do have so many reasons to praise His name. After the surgery I felt alone, abandoned, and I wasn't real sure where God was in the grand scheme of everything. However, I prayed one night that I could feel His love for me. That He would allow me to feel His love surrounding me during this very difficult and confusing time. Kid you not, the very next day I got 2 packages and like 4 cards in the mail. Cards from my in-laws Sunday school class, from people that are praying so much for me even though they haven't seen me since high school, I got a very sweet and uplifting CD of praise music (thank you Lavonda!). I got a box full of goodies from one of my best friends (and even though I haven't formally thanked her - she knows how I feel). Basically I got a big heap of love from God through all these people who wanted me to FEEL their love around me at a time when they couldn't come see me at my house.
I'm still a little dazed and confused about all that's happened. The pain patch worked but it "stopped me up" to put that in the least offensive of terms and the pain that came from the numerous bathroom visits was horrible. I'm still dealing with it and haven't figured it all out - the "whys" of this journey. The fact is that I may never know why - for any of this - until I get to Heaven and ask God myself. Of course, it would be nice to see something good come of all of this while I was here on earth and I know that the most important thing of all is that no matter how upset I get or how mad I feel towards God - I KNOW HE LOVES ME. I KNOW HE COUNTS EVERY TEAR. I KNOW THAT HE HURTS FOR HIS CHILDREN. AND I KNOW THAT THIS IMPERFECT WORLD IS OUR OWN DOING - NOT HIS.
I must say how amazed I am that the devil can still get to me so easy, but I shouldn't be. I mean, of course the devil would want to stop me. Stop me from praising God during my time of trouble. Stop me from seeing God's hand in everything and make me start wondering why God's hand had disappeared. The devil wants to confuse you and believe me, I have been confused. God knows that, God knows my heart. I may be upset, but He will deliver me from this just as He has delivered me from everything else and that my friends is a promise. Why do we make the mistake of believing that this world is the "easy world" when it clearly is not? Why do we not see that things of this world are only here for a moment and that it's eternity that we should be looking forward to? This world has beautiful things and creatures and people in it & God wants us to enjoy those things that He made for us. He wants us to go out & spread His word and His love. And I've sat here and questioned both of those things here lately. I'm ashamed to admit it was so easy to get me confused. But it happens and we just have to recognize where that confusion is coming from and like I've said before - GOD IS NOT THE AUTHOR OF CONFUSION.
Please Lord, let me do whatever task you have set before me with grace and confidence in your love. Do not allow me to be swayed because for a moment things seem to be going in the exact opposite direction than what I want. Please give me the strength to carry on through and do whatever it is YOU want me to do. Allow me to see just how silly it is for little old me who knows nothing of the future you have planned for her, to be mad at you for something like removing an ovary that was causing me pain. And mainly, Lord, please let me walk through this with my eyes constantly set on YOU and YOUR WAYS. Let the desire for me to run my own life fall away, let the idea that I know what's best for me just fade away, let me know every single day that it is always YOU not me, that knows what will happen in my life. I praise your name Lord and I stand in shame for having been tossed around and allowing myself to wallow in such horrible self-pity.
Thank you so very much for all of your prayers. They are helping so much and I feel that. I feel blessed to have so many people care enough to read this and who take time out of their lives to pray for me. I can't thank you enough. Just know that I love you all.
"God - his way is perfect, the promise of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:30
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Off Heparin & on "pain patches"
Well, it's not that I haven't wanted to write an entry this week. I have. It's not that I didn't have enough going on to tell you all about. I did. It's just that I couldn't think straight. The doctor decided I would stay off the Heparin until my body healed from the emergency surgery where the doctors ended up having to take my right ovary and fallopian tube. The doctors who performed the surgery said that it was due to the fact that they "couldn't stop the bleeding". However, I got all the records from the second I was in the ER until the moment I was dishcharged the next day and in the operative report it stated, "After several MINUTES of trying to get the ovary to stop bleeding we decided we would not be successful. Therefore the ovary and fallopian tube had to be sacrificed."
Well, yes, they were sacrificed all right, but since the blood work done right before my "emergency sugery" shows that I had regular clotting times then I'm not real sure if they couldn't stop the bleeding or if they just didn't want to spend any more time on me - I mean the entire surgery lasted 1 hour and 4 minutes from start to finish, so why would they want to waste one more second on me?
Okay - see that's why I haven't written. I haven't written because I got mad and I'm not supposed to get mad about this. God has let me know that I am supposed to get over this and be preparing myself for treatments and a new healthy life. I was clinging to what "had been done wrong" to me and not clinging to the fact that God made sure I still had my left ovary & fallopian tube. He can make me a mother if He wants to do so and I feel that He will, in His perfect timing.
Now, we did go to the sweet ob-gyn that I liked for my post-operative check up. I had a CT scan done that day and it showed that I had blood & fluid still in my abdomen. That could be the cause of the continued pain I have had now. Most laproscopic procedures are healed & no pain is felt after 3-4 days. I have the steri-strips off my incisions now and they are okay but I have still had a lot of abdominal pain. So, both the ob-gyn and my IV doc thinks the residual blood is irritating my abdomen. Bad thing is there's nothing we can do about it. The emergency docs removed as much of it "as possible" during the surgery but for now we will have to wait for the remainder to reabsorb into my body. It's kind of the same way you wait for a bruise to heal.
My wonderful IV doctor whom I love & adore realized that pain pills were not working on me. She figures that we haven't been able to really address my malabsorption issue yet so she feels that we have no idea how much pain medicine was actually getting into my system. She decided to prescribe me a pain patch. This thing is really amazing. It's a small patch and you just apply it on your left shoulder, upper arm or chest (basically somewhere flat & hairless) and it delivers a constant dose of a morphine derived drug for 72 straight hours. For me this was good because I was finally not in agony from the surgery, but 72 hours of pain meds make me really loopy I have found. So, that's yet another reason I didn't update yet. I'm thankful that her & my ob-gyn both realize that someone like me - basically someone who is fighting off various illnesses, bacterial infections, etc. just doesn't heal as quickly as your normal 34 year old woman. So they felt that I should have pain management options for the next 3 weeks. I still look like an old woman trying to get in and out of the car but it's getting better. I am quicker to get out of bed - but that's not to say I'm quick since it was taking me 10+ minutes and now it takes about 5 minutes...haha. But I feel that I am slowly but surely getting back to where I was pre-operation.
Now about the Heparin. The doc who did my surgery told me flat out that "you wouldn't have had to lose that ovary if you hadn't been on Heparin". Again I hear another doctor acting as if Heparin were the devil's business & I was in no way supposed to be on this drug. I talked to my doctor about it and my ob-gyn about it & they both said the Heparin wouldn't have changed the outcome of the surgery. However, my IV doc took me off Heparin while I am healing & I HATE being off Heparin. I couldn't really tell you while I was on it what good it was doing, but boy, I can now that I'm off of it.
First, I know I am back to the beginning of this journey - I am back to being the girl who doesn't get blood flood to 3 very important areas of her brain. This thick blood makes me tired & it's harder on my heart too. I have gotten to watch myself go downhill as I have been off the Heparin. I am stuttering again (loss for words, can't get them out quickly, seem to get stuck on one word, etc.) and I hate it. I can't think nearly as well as I had been for the last month. I've also noticed a not so great side-effect of the blood not reaching the part of the brain where my anxiety comes from. I am very over anxious and paranoid. I feel like I am hurting someone's feelings all the time and then when I apologize I think the person is still mad at me. What they're probably really mad about is this girl who stutters following them around saying, "Are you sure you're not mad???" I didn't realize how much the blood flow to my brain really changed my personality - but it does! I wrote the doctor a note on Friday saying that since the CT scan done Wednesday morning just showed residual blood, not any new bleeds or leakage if we might could start the Heparin therapy again this week. She really uses such a small amount that it could never cause the bleeding issues the ER docs have blamed it for and I know that. I just want to be back on it now. I want to get back to where I was pre-surgery because that girl wasn't as tired, wasn't as confused, wasn't as paranoid and definitely wasn't as apt to cry. I liked that girl a lot more than this one.
However, this girl off Heparin and on the pain patch. She is drugged up enough to not feel the pain and to let things roll right off her back. So - maybe the pain patch is helpful for me while I'm off the blood thinner/anticoagulant??? I'm going to take my patch off tonight & it will slowly decrease my pain meds over the next 12-16 hours. If I feel okay tomorrow then I won't use any more of the patches. If the severe pain returns then I will just slap on another patch and play the waiting game until my body absorbs the blood that seems to want to just hang out in my abdomen.
I have lots of other things to tell you, but I can't think straight. I just didn't want you all worried since it's been a week of no updates. Basically it's been a week of feeling loopy and needing more sleep than I actually got. Thanks so much for caring and reading all of this. I will write more later when I'm thinking clearer. Hopefully we'll start back on the Heparin tomorrow or Tuesday and I will be thinking much better within a few days.
Thank you for all your prayers and love. I couldn't do this without God's love and guidance, without M & my mom taking such good care of me, and without the hundreds of prayers that you all say for me all the time. I love you all for being so wonderful during this time and letting me feel your love.
And as you might can tell from this entry I am anxious & very ready to start back on the Heparin. So again I need to pray for God to give me the strength to be patient. Today's verse on my calendar is very apt for my situation again :)
"Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield." Psalm 33:20 (NRSV)
I will wait - I will wait for God to clear the path for me to have Heparin again. I will wait for God to reach down and give me comfort instead of this anxious feeling. I will wait for God to help my body absorb this remaining blood. I will wait on God because He has never failed me.
More later - I'm about to be late for afternoon treatments!!! Love you all!!!!
Well, yes, they were sacrificed all right, but since the blood work done right before my "emergency sugery" shows that I had regular clotting times then I'm not real sure if they couldn't stop the bleeding or if they just didn't want to spend any more time on me - I mean the entire surgery lasted 1 hour and 4 minutes from start to finish, so why would they want to waste one more second on me?
Okay - see that's why I haven't written. I haven't written because I got mad and I'm not supposed to get mad about this. God has let me know that I am supposed to get over this and be preparing myself for treatments and a new healthy life. I was clinging to what "had been done wrong" to me and not clinging to the fact that God made sure I still had my left ovary & fallopian tube. He can make me a mother if He wants to do so and I feel that He will, in His perfect timing.
Now, we did go to the sweet ob-gyn that I liked for my post-operative check up. I had a CT scan done that day and it showed that I had blood & fluid still in my abdomen. That could be the cause of the continued pain I have had now. Most laproscopic procedures are healed & no pain is felt after 3-4 days. I have the steri-strips off my incisions now and they are okay but I have still had a lot of abdominal pain. So, both the ob-gyn and my IV doc thinks the residual blood is irritating my abdomen. Bad thing is there's nothing we can do about it. The emergency docs removed as much of it "as possible" during the surgery but for now we will have to wait for the remainder to reabsorb into my body. It's kind of the same way you wait for a bruise to heal.
My wonderful IV doctor whom I love & adore realized that pain pills were not working on me. She figures that we haven't been able to really address my malabsorption issue yet so she feels that we have no idea how much pain medicine was actually getting into my system. She decided to prescribe me a pain patch. This thing is really amazing. It's a small patch and you just apply it on your left shoulder, upper arm or chest (basically somewhere flat & hairless) and it delivers a constant dose of a morphine derived drug for 72 straight hours. For me this was good because I was finally not in agony from the surgery, but 72 hours of pain meds make me really loopy I have found. So, that's yet another reason I didn't update yet. I'm thankful that her & my ob-gyn both realize that someone like me - basically someone who is fighting off various illnesses, bacterial infections, etc. just doesn't heal as quickly as your normal 34 year old woman. So they felt that I should have pain management options for the next 3 weeks. I still look like an old woman trying to get in and out of the car but it's getting better. I am quicker to get out of bed - but that's not to say I'm quick since it was taking me 10+ minutes and now it takes about 5 minutes...haha. But I feel that I am slowly but surely getting back to where I was pre-operation.
Now about the Heparin. The doc who did my surgery told me flat out that "you wouldn't have had to lose that ovary if you hadn't been on Heparin". Again I hear another doctor acting as if Heparin were the devil's business & I was in no way supposed to be on this drug. I talked to my doctor about it and my ob-gyn about it & they both said the Heparin wouldn't have changed the outcome of the surgery. However, my IV doc took me off Heparin while I am healing & I HATE being off Heparin. I couldn't really tell you while I was on it what good it was doing, but boy, I can now that I'm off of it.
First, I know I am back to the beginning of this journey - I am back to being the girl who doesn't get blood flood to 3 very important areas of her brain. This thick blood makes me tired & it's harder on my heart too. I have gotten to watch myself go downhill as I have been off the Heparin. I am stuttering again (loss for words, can't get them out quickly, seem to get stuck on one word, etc.) and I hate it. I can't think nearly as well as I had been for the last month. I've also noticed a not so great side-effect of the blood not reaching the part of the brain where my anxiety comes from. I am very over anxious and paranoid. I feel like I am hurting someone's feelings all the time and then when I apologize I think the person is still mad at me. What they're probably really mad about is this girl who stutters following them around saying, "Are you sure you're not mad???" I didn't realize how much the blood flow to my brain really changed my personality - but it does! I wrote the doctor a note on Friday saying that since the CT scan done Wednesday morning just showed residual blood, not any new bleeds or leakage if we might could start the Heparin therapy again this week. She really uses such a small amount that it could never cause the bleeding issues the ER docs have blamed it for and I know that. I just want to be back on it now. I want to get back to where I was pre-surgery because that girl wasn't as tired, wasn't as confused, wasn't as paranoid and definitely wasn't as apt to cry. I liked that girl a lot more than this one.
However, this girl off Heparin and on the pain patch. She is drugged up enough to not feel the pain and to let things roll right off her back. So - maybe the pain patch is helpful for me while I'm off the blood thinner/anticoagulant??? I'm going to take my patch off tonight & it will slowly decrease my pain meds over the next 12-16 hours. If I feel okay tomorrow then I won't use any more of the patches. If the severe pain returns then I will just slap on another patch and play the waiting game until my body absorbs the blood that seems to want to just hang out in my abdomen.
I have lots of other things to tell you, but I can't think straight. I just didn't want you all worried since it's been a week of no updates. Basically it's been a week of feeling loopy and needing more sleep than I actually got. Thanks so much for caring and reading all of this. I will write more later when I'm thinking clearer. Hopefully we'll start back on the Heparin tomorrow or Tuesday and I will be thinking much better within a few days.
Thank you for all your prayers and love. I couldn't do this without God's love and guidance, without M & my mom taking such good care of me, and without the hundreds of prayers that you all say for me all the time. I love you all for being so wonderful during this time and letting me feel your love.
And as you might can tell from this entry I am anxious & very ready to start back on the Heparin. So again I need to pray for God to give me the strength to be patient. Today's verse on my calendar is very apt for my situation again :)
"Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield." Psalm 33:20 (NRSV)
I will wait - I will wait for God to clear the path for me to have Heparin again. I will wait for God to reach down and give me comfort instead of this anxious feeling. I will wait for God to help my body absorb this remaining blood. I will wait on God because He has never failed me.
More later - I'm about to be late for afternoon treatments!!! Love you all!!!!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Asking for prayers instead of answers...
I hate to sound down, but I am. My body is not healing well at all from the emergency surgery I had last Monday. In fact, I am still in a lot of pain. I was trying to ease off the pain pills and went 14-16 hours without one yesterday, but by 3:00 a.m. I was awake and in tears. Tears of pain, tears of exhaustion & tears of confusion. Two of the incisions are healing very well & haven't caused me much pain at all. The third incision is the one that is dealing me fits right now. That one was wider & apparently the doctor tried to make sure the last couple of stitches were tight to keep everything together. However, I think they are TOO tight. When I try to get out of the bed or stand up from a seated position, they pull into my body. It's like someone has a plunger on the inside of my body and just pulls those 2 stitches backwards when the rest of my body is moving forward. There's a sharp pain that accompanies this and then it's like I am seeing stars and I'm miserable.
Now, I've had abdominal surgery before & after a week I was much better and if memory serves (which it might not as you know - haha) I was off the pain meds in about 4 days. When I went to the clinic for fluids yesterday afternoon (I haven't been on the IV antibiotics since the surgery) the nurse said that it could be that I have so many other illnesses going on - like the flu for instance - and that is causing my body to not heal as quickly as it should. I understand this, but I am tired and I want to feel better.
I have run a little bit of fever the past two nights but I think that's from the flu because the incisions themselves look fine so I don't think I'm dealing with infection here. I am supposed to start back on the IV antibiotics tomorrow but am not sure if I will try for the a.m. treatment or not yet. I don't sleep well on pain meds and I am exhausted because everynight I'm basically just taking 2 hour naps here & there. Also, getting out of the bed is a nightmare. I really look like a turtle that has been turned over on his shell. My movements have to be so calculated so that I don't pull the wrong muscles and I scoot around until I can make my way off the bed. What stinks is that after basically 3 years of being in the bed the only real muscles I had left were my abdominal muscles because that's what I used to sit up in bed with. My shoulders always hurt so it was easier to just pull up that way. So, the last muscle group of any use to me is what's been operated on & I am struggling to heal.
So, please pray that God will give me the strength to get through this. I know He will, but prayers never hurt! I am having a hard time with all of it because pain pills seem to put me in a bad state of mind - I tend to get depressed when I take them. So, I've been upset about the fact that I had to have this surgery in the first place. I asked the dreaded "why me" a few times. I've been upset that after all I've been through that God couldn't leave me with my both of my ovaries. But that's where I stop. I have to stop there because it would be absolutely useless, not to mention stupid, to go further down that road of questions. First, I would get nowhere complaining about something that is irreversible. Second, I have to keep my eyes on God and I know that God can see my future and I simply cannot. No matter how much I would like to see just a glimpse of what might lie ahead for M & I, say 5 years down the road, I don't have God's eyes that can see it all. He can see the very beginning of time - He can see the present day as we see it - and He can see until the very end of time. So, I stop at that thought of why He wouldn't leave me my right ovary. I stick to the thought that He knows much better than I the whys of all of these things. I might as well be asking why He allowed me to get so sick. What's the point of WHY? The point of all of these things is to try and learn whatever it is He wants me to learn from each situation.
Right now I am not sure what He wants me to learn from this "emergency surgery" but I do know that over the past couple of days I have been reminded from a few people that God does not give you thoughts of confusion - He is not "the author of confusion". However, I do know that the devil will use every emotion we have to confuse us and keep us from doing what God desires. I think in my case the devil will use my pain, he will use the depression I get from the pain medication, he will use the fact that both my body and my mind are so very exhausted that I might not know up from down right now. However, he can only use those things if I allow him to do so and right now I am saying that I will not allow it any longer. I am a child of God and I know that calling out God's name and listing all the good and marvelous things that God has done for me will knock that devil off ground he may have gained during the past few days of my confusion. I know God is watching over me - I know He hates to see me hurt. If I know all of that, then I know that this "emergency surgery" is just part of the life I was meant to have here on earth and really, that's all I need to know. God is still on His throne, He is still very much in control and I am still so very grateful for His love and protection.
It's easy to get bogged down in the "why me Lord?" questions but they will lead you nowhere. They are the path to dead end - whether it's a physical, emotional or spiritual dead end - it's all the same. God never leads you down a dead end. He is the living God - He is THE WAY - THE TRUTH - THE LIGHT. He is always using the bad for His good if we allow Him to do that for us. So right now I am handing over these feelings of disappoinment, confusion, depression and I am telling God to take them from me. I am reminding myself that I am the one who chooses what road to take in my life. I am choosing to follow the road God is leading me down. He never says it will be easy or that we will have earthly delights from following Him - but we will have treasures in Heaven and we will have an eternal glory with Him. So, pray that I follow that path. Pray that everyone you know fights the good fight and that God helps them push away the fears, the doubts, the depression, the lonliness and that God fills them with His love and washes them in His spirit. I am asking for prayers - not just for me, not just for your family and friends - but pray for every person you come across. If someone's name runs through your head take 5 seconds and pray for that person.
See, I am feeling better already mentally. I know I may have more pain & that this physical suffering may not end very soon. But, I pray and I trust that God is leading me down a path that is full of love and compassion and all the good things I can think of. If not for God, I would not have found my way here to Kansas City and I would still be getting weaker and wondering what was "really wrong with me". And while I may not have made the progress I want in the time frame I want (repeat this with me because it's taking me forever to learn it) - GOD'S TIMING IS PERFECT. Whether we get to see that on this side of Heaven or not doesn't matter. I trust that His timing is perfect. I hold on to what I was taught as a young child, "God is so good. God is so good. God is so good, He's so good to me." And it really is that simple.
Much love to you all. And to close out here's a few verses that spoke to me as I hurt right now:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (NIV)
"You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny." Psalm 73:24 (NLT)
Oh - and a quote that I really like - one that touches me right where I am today:
"Everything God does is love - even when we do not understand Him." Basilea Schlink
OH - and this one is beautiful and is very special. It was written on a wall where Jews were hidden during WWII:
"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining.
I believe in love even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God even when He is silent."
Finally, I leave you with this one:
"Open your hearts to the love God instills...God loves you tenderly. What He gives you is not to be kept under lock and key, but to be shared." Mother Teresa
Well, I'm feeling much better now. I hope you all have wonderful Sundays full of God's love, truth and comfort.
Now, I've had abdominal surgery before & after a week I was much better and if memory serves (which it might not as you know - haha) I was off the pain meds in about 4 days. When I went to the clinic for fluids yesterday afternoon (I haven't been on the IV antibiotics since the surgery) the nurse said that it could be that I have so many other illnesses going on - like the flu for instance - and that is causing my body to not heal as quickly as it should. I understand this, but I am tired and I want to feel better.
I have run a little bit of fever the past two nights but I think that's from the flu because the incisions themselves look fine so I don't think I'm dealing with infection here. I am supposed to start back on the IV antibiotics tomorrow but am not sure if I will try for the a.m. treatment or not yet. I don't sleep well on pain meds and I am exhausted because everynight I'm basically just taking 2 hour naps here & there. Also, getting out of the bed is a nightmare. I really look like a turtle that has been turned over on his shell. My movements have to be so calculated so that I don't pull the wrong muscles and I scoot around until I can make my way off the bed. What stinks is that after basically 3 years of being in the bed the only real muscles I had left were my abdominal muscles because that's what I used to sit up in bed with. My shoulders always hurt so it was easier to just pull up that way. So, the last muscle group of any use to me is what's been operated on & I am struggling to heal.
So, please pray that God will give me the strength to get through this. I know He will, but prayers never hurt! I am having a hard time with all of it because pain pills seem to put me in a bad state of mind - I tend to get depressed when I take them. So, I've been upset about the fact that I had to have this surgery in the first place. I asked the dreaded "why me" a few times. I've been upset that after all I've been through that God couldn't leave me with my both of my ovaries. But that's where I stop. I have to stop there because it would be absolutely useless, not to mention stupid, to go further down that road of questions. First, I would get nowhere complaining about something that is irreversible. Second, I have to keep my eyes on God and I know that God can see my future and I simply cannot. No matter how much I would like to see just a glimpse of what might lie ahead for M & I, say 5 years down the road, I don't have God's eyes that can see it all. He can see the very beginning of time - He can see the present day as we see it - and He can see until the very end of time. So, I stop at that thought of why He wouldn't leave me my right ovary. I stick to the thought that He knows much better than I the whys of all of these things. I might as well be asking why He allowed me to get so sick. What's the point of WHY? The point of all of these things is to try and learn whatever it is He wants me to learn from each situation.
Right now I am not sure what He wants me to learn from this "emergency surgery" but I do know that over the past couple of days I have been reminded from a few people that God does not give you thoughts of confusion - He is not "the author of confusion". However, I do know that the devil will use every emotion we have to confuse us and keep us from doing what God desires. I think in my case the devil will use my pain, he will use the depression I get from the pain medication, he will use the fact that both my body and my mind are so very exhausted that I might not know up from down right now. However, he can only use those things if I allow him to do so and right now I am saying that I will not allow it any longer. I am a child of God and I know that calling out God's name and listing all the good and marvelous things that God has done for me will knock that devil off ground he may have gained during the past few days of my confusion. I know God is watching over me - I know He hates to see me hurt. If I know all of that, then I know that this "emergency surgery" is just part of the life I was meant to have here on earth and really, that's all I need to know. God is still on His throne, He is still very much in control and I am still so very grateful for His love and protection.
It's easy to get bogged down in the "why me Lord?" questions but they will lead you nowhere. They are the path to dead end - whether it's a physical, emotional or spiritual dead end - it's all the same. God never leads you down a dead end. He is the living God - He is THE WAY - THE TRUTH - THE LIGHT. He is always using the bad for His good if we allow Him to do that for us. So right now I am handing over these feelings of disappoinment, confusion, depression and I am telling God to take them from me. I am reminding myself that I am the one who chooses what road to take in my life. I am choosing to follow the road God is leading me down. He never says it will be easy or that we will have earthly delights from following Him - but we will have treasures in Heaven and we will have an eternal glory with Him. So, pray that I follow that path. Pray that everyone you know fights the good fight and that God helps them push away the fears, the doubts, the depression, the lonliness and that God fills them with His love and washes them in His spirit. I am asking for prayers - not just for me, not just for your family and friends - but pray for every person you come across. If someone's name runs through your head take 5 seconds and pray for that person.
See, I am feeling better already mentally. I know I may have more pain & that this physical suffering may not end very soon. But, I pray and I trust that God is leading me down a path that is full of love and compassion and all the good things I can think of. If not for God, I would not have found my way here to Kansas City and I would still be getting weaker and wondering what was "really wrong with me". And while I may not have made the progress I want in the time frame I want (repeat this with me because it's taking me forever to learn it) - GOD'S TIMING IS PERFECT. Whether we get to see that on this side of Heaven or not doesn't matter. I trust that His timing is perfect. I hold on to what I was taught as a young child, "God is so good. God is so good. God is so good, He's so good to me." And it really is that simple.
Much love to you all. And to close out here's a few verses that spoke to me as I hurt right now:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (NIV)
"You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny." Psalm 73:24 (NLT)
Oh - and a quote that I really like - one that touches me right where I am today:
"Everything God does is love - even when we do not understand Him." Basilea Schlink
OH - and this one is beautiful and is very special. It was written on a wall where Jews were hidden during WWII:
"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining.
I believe in love even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God even when He is silent."
Finally, I leave you with this one:
"Open your hearts to the love God instills...God loves you tenderly. What He gives you is not to be kept under lock and key, but to be shared." Mother Teresa
Well, I'm feeling much better now. I hope you all have wonderful Sundays full of God's love, truth and comfort.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Seriously???
Okay, I knew I was feeling really rough after surgery. I knew I was having horrible aches and pains and for good reason - I had been through some serious pain and then been cut on. But there's more reason than I knew for all of these things!
Mom went by the treatment clinic this morning to pick up some prescriptions and my last blood work up shows that I am dealing with an active case of the flu again! Influenza A is the culprit I believe. I kind of laughed and just thought, "SERIOUSLY???" So I'm starting more Relenza today (an inhaled medication so no tummy side effects) and will be on that for 15 days to see if we can kick this flu to the curb for good this time.
I have to laugh at things like this because well, I guess I just have an irreverant sense of humor & if I couldn't laugh over all of this I might lose even more of my mind - ha! I'm still having a good bit of pain from the surgery but it is starting to ease off slightly and I'm keeping on top of my pain meds - not skipping ANY doses for now. If the pain starts up it is harder to try to get it to ease off than with the pain meds. If you take pain meds at the instructed times, even if you aren't in bad pain right then, it will keep the pain from ever starting up. Tomorrow I will start to ease off the pain meds and see how things go from there.
So, pray that as my incisions heal that I will feel stronger and that the flu won't keep me down longer than I should be. Well, actually - you just pray whatever you feel led to pray or just pray that God's will be done in all of these situations. I'm just laying everything at God's feet - my illnesses, my recuperation from surgery, my mental state, my exhaustion, my worries, simply put - just EVERYTHING! I hand it all over to Him and keep my mind focused on what He wants me to be doing right now (resting, reading, praying, etc.) and how He wants me to handle each of these obstacles. I just pray for Him to give me strength to get me through today and I try hard to remember not to worry about tomorrow because He goes ahead of me in all things.
I'm sharing a verse today that my sweet cousin, Kate (but I will always call her Katie), sent me in a message yesterday:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
I'm dealing with some spirt-crushing, heart-breaking things, but I give God the glory because I don't feel like I am brokenhearted or crushed in spirit and I know that's because God is carrying those weights for me right now! Because He is carrying that load for me, I can sit here and giggle just a little over having the flu AGAIN and having to hear that news 3 days after surgery. If God wasn't holding me in His loving arms right now I'd be crying - not laughing. Thank you Lord for all you do for me.
Mom went by the treatment clinic this morning to pick up some prescriptions and my last blood work up shows that I am dealing with an active case of the flu again! Influenza A is the culprit I believe. I kind of laughed and just thought, "SERIOUSLY???" So I'm starting more Relenza today (an inhaled medication so no tummy side effects) and will be on that for 15 days to see if we can kick this flu to the curb for good this time.
I have to laugh at things like this because well, I guess I just have an irreverant sense of humor & if I couldn't laugh over all of this I might lose even more of my mind - ha! I'm still having a good bit of pain from the surgery but it is starting to ease off slightly and I'm keeping on top of my pain meds - not skipping ANY doses for now. If the pain starts up it is harder to try to get it to ease off than with the pain meds. If you take pain meds at the instructed times, even if you aren't in bad pain right then, it will keep the pain from ever starting up. Tomorrow I will start to ease off the pain meds and see how things go from there.
So, pray that as my incisions heal that I will feel stronger and that the flu won't keep me down longer than I should be. Well, actually - you just pray whatever you feel led to pray or just pray that God's will be done in all of these situations. I'm just laying everything at God's feet - my illnesses, my recuperation from surgery, my mental state, my exhaustion, my worries, simply put - just EVERYTHING! I hand it all over to Him and keep my mind focused on what He wants me to be doing right now (resting, reading, praying, etc.) and how He wants me to handle each of these obstacles. I just pray for Him to give me strength to get me through today and I try hard to remember not to worry about tomorrow because He goes ahead of me in all things.
I'm sharing a verse today that my sweet cousin, Kate (but I will always call her Katie), sent me in a message yesterday:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
I'm dealing with some spirt-crushing, heart-breaking things, but I give God the glory because I don't feel like I am brokenhearted or crushed in spirit and I know that's because God is carrying those weights for me right now! Because He is carrying that load for me, I can sit here and giggle just a little over having the flu AGAIN and having to hear that news 3 days after surgery. If God wasn't holding me in His loving arms right now I'd be crying - not laughing. Thank you Lord for all you do for me.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Trying to see "not fair" times as "have faith" times...
Monday life was so unfair. It was cruel and bitter and painful. Monday I cried out to God louder than I ever have - I literally screamed His name in the midst of some of the most intense physical pain I've ever encountered. For a girl who has passed 100+ kidney stones that means out of your mind kind of pain.
Monday started off somewhat normal. I didn't sleep well Sunday night and was sore but went on to treatment at 6:30. Got home around 9:00 and tried to nap but couldn't. I started having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen and figured, "Great - another stone". However, the pain got to be so intense and when it moved more to the right than over my bladder, I started to realize I was not dealing with a kidney stone. If you read about my last trip to the local hospital ER here in K.C. then you know I had NO desire to replay that incident. But then the pain ripped through me and I was on the floor. I cried so hard I thought I might choke. I haven't had pain like this in years. I knew it wasn't a stone and thought perhaps appendicitis or even a ruptured appendix? The pain was intense enough, had come on somewhat suddenly and was over the right area???
Mom kept saying we needed to go to the emergency room, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I could even stand up, let alone make it to the car. I was screaming in pain and did not want to be told by some lady who registers patients at the E.R. to "have a sit and the nurse from triage will be with you as soon as she can". The idea of sitting in that horrid waiting room only to deal with another doctor who thinks Lyme disease doesn't exist or who might see my PICC line and think I was some quack, druggie or hypochondriac. But then the pain hit so hard that I got sick to my stomach even though I had taken some prescription anti-nausea medicine 2 hours earlier. I told Mom something was VERY wrong. I felt like something was ripping through my lower abdomen/right hip area - I had no idea WHAT it would be but I didn't want to find out. After 2 hours of the most intense pain I've ever had I was lying on the floor in a cold sweat and mom was on the phone with 911 because I couldn't sit up, stand or move without screaming.
When the ambulance arrived my blood pressure was 130/80 - the highest I think I've ever seen it. Mom and I knew that meant I was having some severe pain. The medics tried to get me on the stretcher but I could not pull my legs down away from my abdomen. I had to have a pillow balled up against my belly and if I moved it away from my stomach the pain would get so bad I would want to pass out. The medic team thought it was appendicitis too and rushed me in while talking in "code" to the nurses and docs. I remember they started an IV line in the ambulance while on route to the E.R. because they weren't equipped to deal with PICC lines.
Long story but end result is that I am sent off for a CT scan but in no real rush. I think I had to get 4 doses of morphine before the screams and sobs even quieted at all. I was extremely scared of this intense pain because I had never felt anything like it - or I couldn't remember anything hurting that badly before.
CT scan results showed a large cyst on my right ovary that had ruptured and the ER doc said that blood was pooling in my abdomen. I knew something was going on because my belly kept looking larger and more distended. The ER doc said he was calling in a specialist who would be down shortly and that I would probably be admitted into the hospital and may have surgery in the morning to remove the cyst. I felt that he might be mistaken and soon found out that it was his very first day.
When the specialist, or OB-GYN, came down he had people running & hopping. He said, "We're not doing a pelvic exam and don't bother trying to get an ultrasound machine in here! I have a copy of her CT results and can see the blood pooling in her abdomen now. She will be going in for emergency surgery in 3o minutes so let's get ready for that." He said all of this in close proximity to my doorway so I heard that before I even met him. He came in, pointed around at a CT scan and said, "We have to go in now and remove the ruptured cyst around your right ovary and we have to get this bleeding to stop. Once the cyst is removed we willtry to save the ovary but since you are on Heparin we may not be able to stop the bleeding and it's likely you may lose the ovary." Oh and before this he asked, "Do you have any children?" and I said something like, "No, I'm trying desperately to regain my health so I CAN HAVE children!" and I worried that he's telling me I may be risking my chance at motherhood. I know differently now, but after getting morphine & phenergan in my IV multiple times I was not too certain about ANYTHING!
I was rushed into surgery and had to undergo general anesthesia which is never a good thing for me. It's hard on my body. After some scary moments with my blood pressure and pulse (one time my pulse wouldn't come above 38 bpm and another time my bp was only hovering around 62/40) in the recovery room, I was wheeled into my hospital room. I did not sleep at all - oh how I wish I could sleep on pain meds!!! The doctor came in that morning to explain (with color pictures of the procedure) how there had been no way to save the ovary even after removing the cyst because the ovary wouldn't stop bleeding. He inferred that the Heparin was why I lost my ovary. There is a much longer story about how I was not given pain meds for 6 hours and there was a lot of rude & inappropriate behavior and I left the hospital feeling faint, sick to my stomach, in horrible pain and honestly, feeling more like a victim than a patient, but that's not the story I am supposed to be telling. I will say that I talked to my doctor last night about all that occured and she is going to speak to some people at the hospital about it. She also said that if I was so unhappy with the OB-GYN who did the surgery that we could have all the records sent to the OB-GYN she set me up with a couple of weeks ago. I think I wrote about how nice he was and I would be much happier having him doing my post op check up in 2 weeks.
She also said she would be happy to help me find a pain medication that would work well for me if needed. Then she explained that she thinks my body has been through too much trauma over the past few weeks and needs to rest and heal and so her advice was to not come in for IV treatments until Monday. She said I could come in for IV fluids by Friday and over the weekned as well if I felt that fluids would help with my pain or if I just felt dehydrated. She told me the CT scan written report she received from the radiologist referred to the cyst rupturing and said I had a significant amount of "fluid" in my abdomen. She believes during surgery the doctors were seeing the fluid from the cyst mixed with blood and I again tend to agree with her. I also question just how long they allowed my ovary time to finally clot? I wondered a lot of things about this surgery but unfortunately none of them were good or positive.
I am trying to quit being upset by all of these things - the kidney stone, the 2 weeks of constant diarrhea (TMI I know, but too tired for good manners), and finally an emergency abdominal surgery. But the little girl in me is screaming, "WHY ME GOD? THIS IS NOT FAIR!" and I don't want to do that. I cling to the fact that I will never know God's ways and I believe He is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent. I know God heard my cries and my groans and my bouts of anger. I know He counted every tear I shed - and believe me - since Monday there have been LOTS of tears shed. I don't want to sit here and think about my situation as compared to anyone else because it only makes what I am dealing with seem so "not fair". I would rather pray for clarity and discernment so that I might see all of these set-backs from a perspective of faith in God instead of faith in doctors and procedures. I want this to build my faith, not make me question it in any way!
Yesterday I sat mentally reeling over the loss of one of my ovaries because (as most of you know) I want to have a child very much! M & I have put it off due to my poor health. My goal has always been to get well and then finally start a family with that wonderful husband of mine. So while I understood that my left ovary might function just fine and produce eggs every month on its own, I started worrying about what would happen if it didn't? I prayed a lot and one thought that crossed my brain was what if God had a very good reason for allowing me to lose my right ovary? What would happen if after the next 2 years of treatment (IVs here first and then lots of oral meds once I'm home) that I finally regain my health and M & I are able to finally try to get pregnant. What if we FINALLY got pregnant and then for some unknown reason we find that the fertilized egg has problems or issues that cause a miscarriage or the egg that's fertilized causes serious problems in utero for our unborn child or a lifetime full of health problems much greater than the ones I've faced? Basically I started to wonder what if my right ovary contained eggs that couldn't support the growth and development of a viable fetus in my womb? I am not saying that this is what I believe happened - I am only trying to find a positive light in what seems to be a lot of darkness at times. Only God knows the future and I trust in that as I trust in His plans for me. I just had that small thought (as we humans often do) as to why God would allow me to lose something so precious to me. After I had that thought and tried to see it as something good - or at least to stop seeing it as something bad - something amazing happened. People who heard about the surgery started to share their own personal stories of their "surprise baby" or their "miracle baby"! I got messages about so many women who for some reason or another had lost one ovary and yet went on to have babies with no problems!
I was truly blessed to see a very close friend of mine get her beautiful "miracle baby" after years of doctors telling her it wouldn't happen, or that there was no way she would ever be able to concieve naturally. I praised God over and over when I heard that she was pregnant - especially when I found out she got pregnant without the aid of modern medicine. I praised God for so many wonderful things He did during my friend's pregnancy - things that just could not be counted as "mere coincidence". In fact, I brought a picture of that baby up here to KC with me so I could have a visual reminder that God still performs miracles for us every day. We just often miss out on them because we are so busy counting up how many things are "not fair" about our lives, our relationships, our health, our jobs, our family, etc. So, while this unforseen and unavoidable event may look to be so very unfair from our earthly view - our skewed human viewpoint - I trust that God's view is so very different. He is pushing me yet again to redefine my meaning when I say I am truly leaning on Him for all my needs. I do hate that things seem so hard for me right now. I hate that my family and friends were scared and worried that the bleeding might not stop and that my life might be in danger. But God had me in His hands and things are slowly getting better.
Now I want to listen to God as He teaches me about changing the way I see events that unfold in my life. I want to grow up and stop seeing things as "not fair" - I want to learn to see these same occurances as times where I pass right by my "not fair" way of thinking and start off with my "have faith" way of seeing. I want my faith to grow each day and faith cannot grow if it is never put under fire. If your faith is never tested then you could never see how much you really have or how you may need to start asking God to give you faith every day.
This may have been a long entry, but I have been unsure as how to write this entry. I was scared that I would only write something that would make people think God had put enough on my plate without the addition of this latest "crisis". But that's not true! He has never left my side and I have felt His strength daily. He heard my cries Monday night and yesterday and every other day of my life! Through this I have seen and felt direct evidence of His unfailing love. So thank you for reading all of this and remember I'm still a bit loopy so I just had to pray that whatever God wanted to say would come straight through to my typing fingers and not get muddled passing through my groggy head!
I had two very fitting verses from my daily calendar. On Monday when all the pain started & I ended up having the surgery, my calendar verse read:
"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17 -19 (NIV)
On Tuesday when I was so scared of everything that had taken place, my daily verse was:
"The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them." Psalm 34:7 (NRSV)
And thank you Christy for sending me the following to focus on:
"The the word of the Lord came to Jeremiah: "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jeremiah 32:26-27
No, God - there is nothing too hard for You. You will never give me more than I can handle and when I pray to you for relief - I might not get it immediately, but you can teach me through painful times as well as prosperous times how to listen for Your voice and follow Your commands. Thank you Lord for again reaching me with Your love and comfort even as I wanted to run away in fear and pain. Thank you Lord for surrounding me with the prayers and well wishes of so many wonderful people - some of whom I have never even personally met. Dear Lord I know there is nothing that You cannot accomplish and my desire to become a mother is something you planted within me years ago. I must only trust in Your perfect timing and let go of my own time schedules and life plans. I have picked up my cross and chosen to follow you. Jesus tells us that we will not have it easy while living on this earth:
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace, In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
I pray that we all trust in God's plan for our lives and that by doing so we live our lives in abundance with Him. I love each and every one of you. I pray that God teaches us all how to live out each of our days in this world by showering others with the unconditional love we receive from Him.
Monday started off somewhat normal. I didn't sleep well Sunday night and was sore but went on to treatment at 6:30. Got home around 9:00 and tried to nap but couldn't. I started having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen and figured, "Great - another stone". However, the pain got to be so intense and when it moved more to the right than over my bladder, I started to realize I was not dealing with a kidney stone. If you read about my last trip to the local hospital ER here in K.C. then you know I had NO desire to replay that incident. But then the pain ripped through me and I was on the floor. I cried so hard I thought I might choke. I haven't had pain like this in years. I knew it wasn't a stone and thought perhaps appendicitis or even a ruptured appendix? The pain was intense enough, had come on somewhat suddenly and was over the right area???
Mom kept saying we needed to go to the emergency room, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I could even stand up, let alone make it to the car. I was screaming in pain and did not want to be told by some lady who registers patients at the E.R. to "have a sit and the nurse from triage will be with you as soon as she can". The idea of sitting in that horrid waiting room only to deal with another doctor who thinks Lyme disease doesn't exist or who might see my PICC line and think I was some quack, druggie or hypochondriac. But then the pain hit so hard that I got sick to my stomach even though I had taken some prescription anti-nausea medicine 2 hours earlier. I told Mom something was VERY wrong. I felt like something was ripping through my lower abdomen/right hip area - I had no idea WHAT it would be but I didn't want to find out. After 2 hours of the most intense pain I've ever had I was lying on the floor in a cold sweat and mom was on the phone with 911 because I couldn't sit up, stand or move without screaming.
When the ambulance arrived my blood pressure was 130/80 - the highest I think I've ever seen it. Mom and I knew that meant I was having some severe pain. The medics tried to get me on the stretcher but I could not pull my legs down away from my abdomen. I had to have a pillow balled up against my belly and if I moved it away from my stomach the pain would get so bad I would want to pass out. The medic team thought it was appendicitis too and rushed me in while talking in "code" to the nurses and docs. I remember they started an IV line in the ambulance while on route to the E.R. because they weren't equipped to deal with PICC lines.
Long story but end result is that I am sent off for a CT scan but in no real rush. I think I had to get 4 doses of morphine before the screams and sobs even quieted at all. I was extremely scared of this intense pain because I had never felt anything like it - or I couldn't remember anything hurting that badly before.
CT scan results showed a large cyst on my right ovary that had ruptured and the ER doc said that blood was pooling in my abdomen. I knew something was going on because my belly kept looking larger and more distended. The ER doc said he was calling in a specialist who would be down shortly and that I would probably be admitted into the hospital and may have surgery in the morning to remove the cyst. I felt that he might be mistaken and soon found out that it was his very first day.
When the specialist, or OB-GYN, came down he had people running & hopping. He said, "We're not doing a pelvic exam and don't bother trying to get an ultrasound machine in here! I have a copy of her CT results and can see the blood pooling in her abdomen now. She will be going in for emergency surgery in 3o minutes so let's get ready for that." He said all of this in close proximity to my doorway so I heard that before I even met him. He came in, pointed around at a CT scan and said, "We have to go in now and remove the ruptured cyst around your right ovary and we have to get this bleeding to stop. Once the cyst is removed we willtry to save the ovary but since you are on Heparin we may not be able to stop the bleeding and it's likely you may lose the ovary." Oh and before this he asked, "Do you have any children?" and I said something like, "No, I'm trying desperately to regain my health so I CAN HAVE children!" and I worried that he's telling me I may be risking my chance at motherhood. I know differently now, but after getting morphine & phenergan in my IV multiple times I was not too certain about ANYTHING!
I was rushed into surgery and had to undergo general anesthesia which is never a good thing for me. It's hard on my body. After some scary moments with my blood pressure and pulse (one time my pulse wouldn't come above 38 bpm and another time my bp was only hovering around 62/40) in the recovery room, I was wheeled into my hospital room. I did not sleep at all - oh how I wish I could sleep on pain meds!!! The doctor came in that morning to explain (with color pictures of the procedure) how there had been no way to save the ovary even after removing the cyst because the ovary wouldn't stop bleeding. He inferred that the Heparin was why I lost my ovary. There is a much longer story about how I was not given pain meds for 6 hours and there was a lot of rude & inappropriate behavior and I left the hospital feeling faint, sick to my stomach, in horrible pain and honestly, feeling more like a victim than a patient, but that's not the story I am supposed to be telling. I will say that I talked to my doctor last night about all that occured and she is going to speak to some people at the hospital about it. She also said that if I was so unhappy with the OB-GYN who did the surgery that we could have all the records sent to the OB-GYN she set me up with a couple of weeks ago. I think I wrote about how nice he was and I would be much happier having him doing my post op check up in 2 weeks.
She also said she would be happy to help me find a pain medication that would work well for me if needed. Then she explained that she thinks my body has been through too much trauma over the past few weeks and needs to rest and heal and so her advice was to not come in for IV treatments until Monday. She said I could come in for IV fluids by Friday and over the weekned as well if I felt that fluids would help with my pain or if I just felt dehydrated. She told me the CT scan written report she received from the radiologist referred to the cyst rupturing and said I had a significant amount of "fluid" in my abdomen. She believes during surgery the doctors were seeing the fluid from the cyst mixed with blood and I again tend to agree with her. I also question just how long they allowed my ovary time to finally clot? I wondered a lot of things about this surgery but unfortunately none of them were good or positive.
I am trying to quit being upset by all of these things - the kidney stone, the 2 weeks of constant diarrhea (TMI I know, but too tired for good manners), and finally an emergency abdominal surgery. But the little girl in me is screaming, "WHY ME GOD? THIS IS NOT FAIR!" and I don't want to do that. I cling to the fact that I will never know God's ways and I believe He is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent. I know God heard my cries and my groans and my bouts of anger. I know He counted every tear I shed - and believe me - since Monday there have been LOTS of tears shed. I don't want to sit here and think about my situation as compared to anyone else because it only makes what I am dealing with seem so "not fair". I would rather pray for clarity and discernment so that I might see all of these set-backs from a perspective of faith in God instead of faith in doctors and procedures. I want this to build my faith, not make me question it in any way!
Yesterday I sat mentally reeling over the loss of one of my ovaries because (as most of you know) I want to have a child very much! M & I have put it off due to my poor health. My goal has always been to get well and then finally start a family with that wonderful husband of mine. So while I understood that my left ovary might function just fine and produce eggs every month on its own, I started worrying about what would happen if it didn't? I prayed a lot and one thought that crossed my brain was what if God had a very good reason for allowing me to lose my right ovary? What would happen if after the next 2 years of treatment (IVs here first and then lots of oral meds once I'm home) that I finally regain my health and M & I are able to finally try to get pregnant. What if we FINALLY got pregnant and then for some unknown reason we find that the fertilized egg has problems or issues that cause a miscarriage or the egg that's fertilized causes serious problems in utero for our unborn child or a lifetime full of health problems much greater than the ones I've faced? Basically I started to wonder what if my right ovary contained eggs that couldn't support the growth and development of a viable fetus in my womb? I am not saying that this is what I believe happened - I am only trying to find a positive light in what seems to be a lot of darkness at times. Only God knows the future and I trust in that as I trust in His plans for me. I just had that small thought (as we humans often do) as to why God would allow me to lose something so precious to me. After I had that thought and tried to see it as something good - or at least to stop seeing it as something bad - something amazing happened. People who heard about the surgery started to share their own personal stories of their "surprise baby" or their "miracle baby"! I got messages about so many women who for some reason or another had lost one ovary and yet went on to have babies with no problems!
I was truly blessed to see a very close friend of mine get her beautiful "miracle baby" after years of doctors telling her it wouldn't happen, or that there was no way she would ever be able to concieve naturally. I praised God over and over when I heard that she was pregnant - especially when I found out she got pregnant without the aid of modern medicine. I praised God for so many wonderful things He did during my friend's pregnancy - things that just could not be counted as "mere coincidence". In fact, I brought a picture of that baby up here to KC with me so I could have a visual reminder that God still performs miracles for us every day. We just often miss out on them because we are so busy counting up how many things are "not fair" about our lives, our relationships, our health, our jobs, our family, etc. So, while this unforseen and unavoidable event may look to be so very unfair from our earthly view - our skewed human viewpoint - I trust that God's view is so very different. He is pushing me yet again to redefine my meaning when I say I am truly leaning on Him for all my needs. I do hate that things seem so hard for me right now. I hate that my family and friends were scared and worried that the bleeding might not stop and that my life might be in danger. But God had me in His hands and things are slowly getting better.
Now I want to listen to God as He teaches me about changing the way I see events that unfold in my life. I want to grow up and stop seeing things as "not fair" - I want to learn to see these same occurances as times where I pass right by my "not fair" way of thinking and start off with my "have faith" way of seeing. I want my faith to grow each day and faith cannot grow if it is never put under fire. If your faith is never tested then you could never see how much you really have or how you may need to start asking God to give you faith every day.
This may have been a long entry, but I have been unsure as how to write this entry. I was scared that I would only write something that would make people think God had put enough on my plate without the addition of this latest "crisis". But that's not true! He has never left my side and I have felt His strength daily. He heard my cries Monday night and yesterday and every other day of my life! Through this I have seen and felt direct evidence of His unfailing love. So thank you for reading all of this and remember I'm still a bit loopy so I just had to pray that whatever God wanted to say would come straight through to my typing fingers and not get muddled passing through my groggy head!
I had two very fitting verses from my daily calendar. On Monday when all the pain started & I ended up having the surgery, my calendar verse read:
"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17 -19 (NIV)
On Tuesday when I was so scared of everything that had taken place, my daily verse was:
"The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them." Psalm 34:7 (NRSV)
And thank you Christy for sending me the following to focus on:
"The the word of the Lord came to Jeremiah: "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jeremiah 32:26-27
No, God - there is nothing too hard for You. You will never give me more than I can handle and when I pray to you for relief - I might not get it immediately, but you can teach me through painful times as well as prosperous times how to listen for Your voice and follow Your commands. Thank you Lord for again reaching me with Your love and comfort even as I wanted to run away in fear and pain. Thank you Lord for surrounding me with the prayers and well wishes of so many wonderful people - some of whom I have never even personally met. Dear Lord I know there is nothing that You cannot accomplish and my desire to become a mother is something you planted within me years ago. I must only trust in Your perfect timing and let go of my own time schedules and life plans. I have picked up my cross and chosen to follow you. Jesus tells us that we will not have it easy while living on this earth:
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace, In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
I pray that we all trust in God's plan for our lives and that by doing so we live our lives in abundance with Him. I love each and every one of you. I pray that God teaches us all how to live out each of our days in this world by showering others with the unconditional love we receive from Him.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Answered prayers for progress
I haven’t updated since my meeting with the doctor Friday afternoon. Overall it was a very positive meeting. My blood work is almost back to normal ranges. In fact my platelet count went from 117 to 155 (normal ranges from 140 – 400), the number of absolute neutrophils went from 1300 to 2600 (normal ranges are 1500-7800) in just a week, & my white blood cells are back in the normal range. I’m still a little low in red blood cells, hemoglobin and hematocrit but the numbers are coming up from the week before. My potassium had gone down again but that was due to all my stomach issues. It had been low before and she had gotten it back to normal ranges before so we know it won’t be a hard fix.
I am no longer having the intestinal issues that were causing me such problems, but we haven’t received the test results back as to whether or not I have any other bacterial or viral infection in my intestines, but neither the doctor nor I think that’s the case and that’s GOOD! We both feel that it was really just a case of medication overload for my system. I am still not taking oral meds until my stomach has been acting normal for 4-5 days so I could be starting back as soon as Wednesday. We devised a plan where I will only take the most important oral meds first and I’ll start off with 4 or 5 instead of trying to start back on all of them at once. A week later we’ll add a few more as long as my stomach is handling everything okay. We plan to gradually work back up slowly until I am finally able to take all the oral antibiotics and supplements that my body needs.
Another test result had come in showing I have high levels of bromide in my system. This is something that can come from foods, soft drinks, etc. and it can remain in your body in high levels for years. The problem with bromide being high is that it can keep your body from processing iodine properly. This test was really neat to me because my blood & urine tests have always shown my iodine levels to be normal (which I think she said was another way to check thyroid function). However, this test showed my iodine levels at the beginning and yes, they were normal. However, I was then given 4 iodine pills to take and the test runs over the next 24 hours to see how my body absorbs the iodine. Basically a person who processed iodine normally would show a 90% intake level. Mine was only 60% and that signifies a problem. This is why my doctor here is so amazing. She didn’t just look at the first test & say, “Oh, you’re not low in iodine.” She tests to see how my body processes these different nutrients and elements to get a real look at how much my body actually absorbs. There’s a big difference in having a normal amount of something in my body and whether or not my body is actually able to break it down and put it to use! Iodine deficiency can cause loss of energy and impaired mental function. So we will work on getting the Bromide levels down so that I can get the necessary amount of iodine and in the meantime I will take iodine supplements (they will be added in slowly with the other supplements) as well.
Oh, and the aPTT test that monitors how fast my blood is clotting on the Heparin is within normal ranges which is great! It means my body is finally adjusting to the Heparin! That’s also probably why my platelet count is higher because before I believe my platelets were “sticking together” in my thick blood and causing problems. But now, even on the Heparin my blood is clotting just as it should in a healthy person who doesn’t require a blood thinner/anti-coagulant. The Heparin is really what I think is helping me feel so much better mentally. I am still very tired of course, but I am laughing a lot again and I am able to stand up without my heart going nuts and I am getting much better blood and oxygen flow to my brain now! I’m not healthy by any means yet, but oh, I cannot tell you how good it feels to just see and feel these small improvements. I see progress and that means I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am not sure how long I will have to stay out here but my doctor and I did discuss how I wouldn’t have been able to make this progress without the IV meds because my stomach just wasn’t up to absorbing oral meds (and we’re hoping it will be up to the challenge here soon!). She told me she needed to be able to have me here in the clinic so she could closely monitor both my progress and any setbacks I had – like the bleeding and tummy troubles. I am praying that I get well soon and can continue treatment on oral meds at home, but I know that is something that I want and it might not be in God’s plan for that to come about as quickly as I’d like. I think I’m finally okay with that too. Treatment is very hard on the body and none of this has been easy, but I trust that God lead me here to a doctor who knows more than any doctor I’ve met before! I trust that God has all sorts of good reasons for me to be away from home, friends, and family during this time. I personally believe that it might be to allow me to learn how to care for myself again. I’m not up to staying out here by myself yet, but I do hope over the next month or so that it won’t be necessary to have a 24/7 caregiver. I would like to be able to be the person who goes to the grocery store or be able to fix my own meal. Right now I can’t even drive myself around so these things will take time! But, I would like for mom to be able to be home with dad and my sister, my brother-in-law and the grandchildren she adores! I would like for my sweet M to be able to work and not have that worry hanging over his head about me and how I feel.
Now, all of this is good news and yes, I feel that progress is being made. But I must stress again that this is a rollercoaster ride and the doctor continues to stress that I need to keep on expecting to have the good days along with the bad. It’s just part of the healing process as we rid my body of all these infections and diseases. I don’t mind that. I feel so very blessed right now. Even knowing that there will be more bad days to come, I feel peace. I know I am where I am meant to be and God is with me giving me the strength and courage I need to just take it day by day. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I trust that God will be with me and I will hunker down and get through all of this by leaning on Him. I give him all the praise and glory for the small miracles I am seeing in my body these days. God is good and He is holding me up and even carrying me when I need Him to get me through. I am constantly in awe of how strong He is and how amazing His love is for someone as imperfect as me! I appreciate all of my “earthly angels” – meaning all of you who read this and keep up with me and pray for my continued progress. I feel your love all of the time and I am humbled by your selfless acts of kindness for me. I’ve gotten the sweetest cards, comments, emails, text messages, etc! I have to thank my sweet cousins for the wonderful package I received a week or so ago! Alecia, Leslie, and Nelda thank you SO much for all the books and thoughtful gifts! I’ve wanted to send you all a thank you note but I’m not there energy wise yet! As soon as I feel up to it though I have a stack of thank you notes to write!!! Believe me – by the end of all of this I bet each one of you out there reading this will probably receive a thank you card for just your continued love, your faithful reading of my journey which helps keep me from feeling alone, and of course for all your thoughts and prayers. Having said how wonderful you all are to go through this with me I will end with this:
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 (NIV)
You all have helped me carry this burden by praying for me and letting me know you care! As for me, I am learning every day to lean on the Lord and to not worry as much. That’s been a hard lesson for me because I have control issues and whenever I have felt out of control of my situation in life I have been overcome with worry. Now I am finally realizing that there is no need to worry – instead I am learning to step out in faith one day at a time. I am constantly asking the Lord to be with me, to teach me, to hold me up, to help me when I am weak and He has never failed me! Every day I have to remind myself to stop trying to control things or worry about things and just trust in God’s plan. So the verse that my sweet cousins sent to me on a plaque has a special significance to this time in my life and I’ll share it before I go:
“Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2 (NIV)
Every day I set my mind and my heart toward God and I ask that He make me strong enough to get through all of this and I pray that as I do I reach out and help others who might need it. I pray that He keeps me focused not just on my physical healing, but also on being a good friend to others here who have been through so much more than I and who suffer physically and mentally so much more than I do. I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday and a great week ahead. I trust that as I start slowly back on the medications I will feel God strengthen me as He helps my body heal. Much love to you all!!!
I am no longer having the intestinal issues that were causing me such problems, but we haven’t received the test results back as to whether or not I have any other bacterial or viral infection in my intestines, but neither the doctor nor I think that’s the case and that’s GOOD! We both feel that it was really just a case of medication overload for my system. I am still not taking oral meds until my stomach has been acting normal for 4-5 days so I could be starting back as soon as Wednesday. We devised a plan where I will only take the most important oral meds first and I’ll start off with 4 or 5 instead of trying to start back on all of them at once. A week later we’ll add a few more as long as my stomach is handling everything okay. We plan to gradually work back up slowly until I am finally able to take all the oral antibiotics and supplements that my body needs.
Another test result had come in showing I have high levels of bromide in my system. This is something that can come from foods, soft drinks, etc. and it can remain in your body in high levels for years. The problem with bromide being high is that it can keep your body from processing iodine properly. This test was really neat to me because my blood & urine tests have always shown my iodine levels to be normal (which I think she said was another way to check thyroid function). However, this test showed my iodine levels at the beginning and yes, they were normal. However, I was then given 4 iodine pills to take and the test runs over the next 24 hours to see how my body absorbs the iodine. Basically a person who processed iodine normally would show a 90% intake level. Mine was only 60% and that signifies a problem. This is why my doctor here is so amazing. She didn’t just look at the first test & say, “Oh, you’re not low in iodine.” She tests to see how my body processes these different nutrients and elements to get a real look at how much my body actually absorbs. There’s a big difference in having a normal amount of something in my body and whether or not my body is actually able to break it down and put it to use! Iodine deficiency can cause loss of energy and impaired mental function. So we will work on getting the Bromide levels down so that I can get the necessary amount of iodine and in the meantime I will take iodine supplements (they will be added in slowly with the other supplements) as well.
Oh, and the aPTT test that monitors how fast my blood is clotting on the Heparin is within normal ranges which is great! It means my body is finally adjusting to the Heparin! That’s also probably why my platelet count is higher because before I believe my platelets were “sticking together” in my thick blood and causing problems. But now, even on the Heparin my blood is clotting just as it should in a healthy person who doesn’t require a blood thinner/anti-coagulant. The Heparin is really what I think is helping me feel so much better mentally. I am still very tired of course, but I am laughing a lot again and I am able to stand up without my heart going nuts and I am getting much better blood and oxygen flow to my brain now! I’m not healthy by any means yet, but oh, I cannot tell you how good it feels to just see and feel these small improvements. I see progress and that means I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am not sure how long I will have to stay out here but my doctor and I did discuss how I wouldn’t have been able to make this progress without the IV meds because my stomach just wasn’t up to absorbing oral meds (and we’re hoping it will be up to the challenge here soon!). She told me she needed to be able to have me here in the clinic so she could closely monitor both my progress and any setbacks I had – like the bleeding and tummy troubles. I am praying that I get well soon and can continue treatment on oral meds at home, but I know that is something that I want and it might not be in God’s plan for that to come about as quickly as I’d like. I think I’m finally okay with that too. Treatment is very hard on the body and none of this has been easy, but I trust that God lead me here to a doctor who knows more than any doctor I’ve met before! I trust that God has all sorts of good reasons for me to be away from home, friends, and family during this time. I personally believe that it might be to allow me to learn how to care for myself again. I’m not up to staying out here by myself yet, but I do hope over the next month or so that it won’t be necessary to have a 24/7 caregiver. I would like to be able to be the person who goes to the grocery store or be able to fix my own meal. Right now I can’t even drive myself around so these things will take time! But, I would like for mom to be able to be home with dad and my sister, my brother-in-law and the grandchildren she adores! I would like for my sweet M to be able to work and not have that worry hanging over his head about me and how I feel.
Now, all of this is good news and yes, I feel that progress is being made. But I must stress again that this is a rollercoaster ride and the doctor continues to stress that I need to keep on expecting to have the good days along with the bad. It’s just part of the healing process as we rid my body of all these infections and diseases. I don’t mind that. I feel so very blessed right now. Even knowing that there will be more bad days to come, I feel peace. I know I am where I am meant to be and God is with me giving me the strength and courage I need to just take it day by day. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I trust that God will be with me and I will hunker down and get through all of this by leaning on Him. I give him all the praise and glory for the small miracles I am seeing in my body these days. God is good and He is holding me up and even carrying me when I need Him to get me through. I am constantly in awe of how strong He is and how amazing His love is for someone as imperfect as me! I appreciate all of my “earthly angels” – meaning all of you who read this and keep up with me and pray for my continued progress. I feel your love all of the time and I am humbled by your selfless acts of kindness for me. I’ve gotten the sweetest cards, comments, emails, text messages, etc! I have to thank my sweet cousins for the wonderful package I received a week or so ago! Alecia, Leslie, and Nelda thank you SO much for all the books and thoughtful gifts! I’ve wanted to send you all a thank you note but I’m not there energy wise yet! As soon as I feel up to it though I have a stack of thank you notes to write!!! Believe me – by the end of all of this I bet each one of you out there reading this will probably receive a thank you card for just your continued love, your faithful reading of my journey which helps keep me from feeling alone, and of course for all your thoughts and prayers. Having said how wonderful you all are to go through this with me I will end with this:
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 (NIV)
You all have helped me carry this burden by praying for me and letting me know you care! As for me, I am learning every day to lean on the Lord and to not worry as much. That’s been a hard lesson for me because I have control issues and whenever I have felt out of control of my situation in life I have been overcome with worry. Now I am finally realizing that there is no need to worry – instead I am learning to step out in faith one day at a time. I am constantly asking the Lord to be with me, to teach me, to hold me up, to help me when I am weak and He has never failed me! Every day I have to remind myself to stop trying to control things or worry about things and just trust in God’s plan. So the verse that my sweet cousins sent to me on a plaque has a special significance to this time in my life and I’ll share it before I go:
“Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2 (NIV)
Every day I set my mind and my heart toward God and I ask that He make me strong enough to get through all of this and I pray that as I do I reach out and help others who might need it. I pray that He keeps me focused not just on my physical healing, but also on being a good friend to others here who have been through so much more than I and who suffer physically and mentally so much more than I do. I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday and a great week ahead. I trust that as I start slowly back on the medications I will feel God strengthen me as He helps my body heal. Much love to you all!!!
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