No news is good news, right?

I know I haven't written in a while and it seems some people start to worry about me if I'm not running my mouth (aka typing too much)! Things have been much better this week. I did start back on the Bicillin shots Friday and the flu just won't go away so mix the two together & I've been really tired and irritable. Yet, for some reason I have been unable to really sleep. I'm in a mental holding pattern for now I think. Trying to keep from allowing these physical circumstances control over my emotions and my feelings.

It was very hard to watch M leave this time. I think this was the first time that we got to have a really good visit and so of course it seemed to fly by too fast. But again, I am truly blessed to have mom here cooking, and more importantly just loving on me.

I can't really explain how hard treatment is to people who haven't been through it. The IV antibiotics are hard on your body and that's good really because I want to knock all this mess out of me as fast as possible. However, I'm so tired that I feel like the walking dead. I've been a little down in the dumps this weekend. The Bicillin shots can make me a bit depressed & weepy - don't know why but I've had other people tell me they had similar reactions so at least I don't feel alone! I know that "down feeling" will leave, but I want it gone NOW because it makes it hard to want to go through treatments.

Okay - no more of this talk. It's time to "buck up" or "man up" or whatever people say when they really mean, "Suck it up & get over it!". I simply wanted everyone to know that my lack of entries weren't due to me feeling physically bad. I usually only write when 1 of 2 things happen. First, if I get some medical news and want to share that and let you all know what's going on with me physically. But mainly I write when I feel God's leading me to do so. I haven't felt a push from Him to share anything or post anything, but I did want everyone to know that my absence of entries doesn't mean anything bad nor does it mean I'm feeling worse mentally or physically.

Mom & I meet with the IV doctor again late Tuesday so I'm hoping we have some good news to share after that. I've started back on the few supplements slowly and had no troubles last week from any of them - YAY! Last night I started back on the oral antibiotic, Cipro, and so far so good. If I feel like I do really well with the Cipro for the first 3 nights then I might ask her if I can add any others during this week. I already have 3-4 to start next Saturday if things go well with the Cipro, but I am ready to get back on the horse!!!

God has made me see that I cannot rush this process. Literally I cannot push my body or my body will push back & it pushes back way too hard - usually landing me in the E.R. So, pray for me to have more patience. I want to get well fast, but it took a long time for me to get this sick so I know I can't expect to get well overnight! I'm trying to keep handing over my life - all of it - my successes and my failures - to God to allow Him to show me what He wants me to do. Right now I think He just wants me to work on healing and then when He's ready, He'll make it VERY clear what He wants me to work on next. For now, I just pray to keep my spirits lifted knowing that He is holding me up when I feel too weak to push on. He is leading me through this valley and I know if I continue to follow Him, I will end up somewhere beautiful.

I also know that these "rough times" are actually times God uses to purify my soul. I found a quote in that book "100 Days In The Secret Place" that describes how to deal with hard circumstances:

"Your Lord desires to purify your soul, and He can use a very rough file. Yes, He may even assault the purer and nobler things of your life! These assaults serve as a revelation to awaken the human soul...for the soul to truly discover, to truly know just how miserable is its natural state. And, if you seek spiritual counsel from someone during such times, it is possible that you may receive some help...but you would be very wise not to expect help. Deep within you is a place of internal peace, and if you are to come through these periods and if you are not to lose that peace it is necessary for you to believe. You must believe in the fineness of Divine mercy...even when that mercy humbles, afflicts and tries you. how happy you will be if you will simply be quiet before the Lord! Even if these times are caused by the devil, you are nonetheless in the sovereign hand of God, and these things will turn our for your gain and spiritual profit." - from the writings of Michael Molinos in the 1600s

I may feel that God is using a rough file on me right now, but in my heart I know He files as gently as possible to obtain His desired results - purifying my soul. Thank you Lord for reminding me that while sometimes you may feel further away from me, you truly never leave my side. Thank you for all the times you have lifted me up and carried me through circumstances that would have otherwise crushed my spirit. I know you are teaching me so many things right now - patience is just one of them. I continue to cry out to you, God - in both good and bad times. I continue to trust in the plans you have for my life. Thank you for allowing me to see that just because nothing seems to "be happening" this week as far as my health is concerned, that doesn't mean nothing is happening in my soul. Please keep me focused on your will and your ways.

Thank you all for your prayers - they mean more to me than anything. Much love to you all!