Trying to see "not fair" times as "have faith" times...

Monday life was so unfair. It was cruel and bitter and painful. Monday I cried out to God louder than I ever have - I literally screamed His name in the midst of some of the most intense physical pain I've ever encountered. For a girl who has passed 100+ kidney stones that means out of your mind kind of pain.

Monday started off somewhat normal. I didn't sleep well Sunday night and was sore but went on to treatment at 6:30. Got home around 9:00 and tried to nap but couldn't. I started having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen and figured, "Great - another stone". However, the pain got to be so intense and when it moved more to the right than over my bladder, I started to realize I was not dealing with a kidney stone. If you read about my last trip to the local hospital ER here in K.C. then you know I had NO desire to replay that incident. But then the pain ripped through me and I was on the floor. I cried so hard I thought I might choke. I haven't had pain like this in years. I knew it wasn't a stone and thought perhaps appendicitis or even a ruptured appendix? The pain was intense enough, had come on somewhat suddenly and was over the right area???

Mom kept saying we needed to go to the emergency room, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I could even stand up, let alone make it to the car. I was screaming in pain and did not want to be told by some lady who registers patients at the E.R. to "have a sit and the nurse from triage will be with you as soon as she can". The idea of sitting in that horrid waiting room only to deal with another doctor who thinks Lyme disease doesn't exist or who might see my PICC line and think I was some quack, druggie or hypochondriac. But then the pain hit so hard that I got sick to my stomach even though I had taken some prescription anti-nausea medicine 2 hours earlier. I told Mom something was VERY wrong. I felt like something was ripping through my lower abdomen/right hip area - I had no idea WHAT it would be but I didn't want to find out. After 2 hours of the most intense pain I've ever had I was lying on the floor in a cold sweat and mom was on the phone with 911 because I couldn't sit up, stand or move without screaming.

When the ambulance arrived my blood pressure was 130/80 - the highest I think I've ever seen it. Mom and I knew that meant I was having some severe pain. The medics tried to get me on the stretcher but I could not pull my legs down away from my abdomen. I had to have a pillow balled up against my belly and if I moved it away from my stomach the pain would get so bad I would want to pass out. The medic team thought it was appendicitis too and rushed me in while talking in "code" to the nurses and docs. I remember they started an IV line in the ambulance while on route to the E.R. because they weren't equipped to deal with PICC lines.

Long story but end result is that I am sent off for a CT scan but in no real rush. I think I had to get 4 doses of morphine before the screams and sobs even quieted at all. I was extremely scared of this intense pain because I had never felt anything like it - or I couldn't remember anything hurting that badly before.

CT scan results showed a large cyst on my right ovary that had ruptured and the ER doc said that blood was pooling in my abdomen. I knew something was going on because my belly kept looking larger and more distended. The ER doc said he was calling in a specialist who would be down shortly and that I would probably be admitted into the hospital and may have surgery in the morning to remove the cyst. I felt that he might be mistaken and soon found out that it was his very first day.

When the specialist, or OB-GYN, came down he had people running & hopping. He said, "We're not doing a pelvic exam and don't bother trying to get an ultrasound machine in here! I have a copy of her CT results and can see the blood pooling in her abdomen now. She will be going in for emergency surgery in 3o minutes so let's get ready for that." He said all of this in close proximity to my doorway so I heard that before I even met him. He came in, pointed around at a CT scan and said, "We have to go in now and remove the ruptured cyst around your right ovary and we have to get this bleeding to stop. Once the cyst is removed we willtry to save the ovary but since you are on Heparin we may not be able to stop the bleeding and it's likely you may lose the ovary." Oh and before this he asked, "Do you have any children?" and I said something like, "No, I'm trying desperately to regain my health so I CAN HAVE children!" and I worried that he's telling me I may be risking my chance at motherhood. I know differently now, but after getting morphine & phenergan in my IV multiple times I was not too certain about ANYTHING!

I was rushed into surgery and had to undergo general anesthesia which is never a good thing for me. It's hard on my body. After some scary moments with my blood pressure and pulse (one time my pulse wouldn't come above 38 bpm and another time my bp was only hovering around 62/40) in the recovery room, I was wheeled into my hospital room. I did not sleep at all - oh how I wish I could sleep on pain meds!!! The doctor came in that morning to explain (with color pictures of the procedure) how there had been no way to save the ovary even after removing the cyst because the ovary wouldn't stop bleeding. He inferred that the Heparin was why I lost my ovary. There is a much longer story about how I was not given pain meds for 6 hours and there was a lot of rude & inappropriate behavior and I left the hospital feeling faint, sick to my stomach, in horrible pain and honestly, feeling more like a victim than a patient, but that's not the story I am supposed to be telling. I will say that I talked to my doctor last night about all that occured and she is going to speak to some people at the hospital about it. She also said that if I was so unhappy with the OB-GYN who did the surgery that we could have all the records sent to the OB-GYN she set me up with a couple of weeks ago. I think I wrote about how nice he was and I would be much happier having him doing my post op check up in 2 weeks.

She also said she would be happy to help me find a pain medication that would work well for me if needed. Then she explained that she thinks my body has been through too much trauma over the past few weeks and needs to rest and heal and so her advice was to not come in for IV treatments until Monday. She said I could come in for IV fluids by Friday and over the weekned as well if I felt that fluids would help with my pain or if I just felt dehydrated. She told me the CT scan written report she received from the radiologist referred to the cyst rupturing and said I had a significant amount of "fluid" in my abdomen. She believes during surgery the doctors were seeing the fluid from the cyst mixed with blood and I again tend to agree with her. I also question just how long they allowed my ovary time to finally clot? I wondered a lot of things about this surgery but unfortunately none of them were good or positive.

I am trying to quit being upset by all of these things - the kidney stone, the 2 weeks of constant diarrhea (TMI I know, but too tired for good manners), and finally an emergency abdominal surgery. But the little girl in me is screaming, "WHY ME GOD? THIS IS NOT FAIR!" and I don't want to do that. I cling to the fact that I will never know God's ways and I believe He is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent. I know God heard my cries and my groans and my bouts of anger. I know He counted every tear I shed - and believe me - since Monday there have been LOTS of tears shed. I don't want to sit here and think about my situation as compared to anyone else because it only makes what I am dealing with seem so "not fair". I would rather pray for clarity and discernment so that I might see all of these set-backs from a perspective of faith in God instead of faith in doctors and procedures. I want this to build my faith, not make me question it in any way!

Yesterday I sat mentally reeling over the loss of one of my ovaries because (as most of you know) I want to have a child very much! M & I have put it off due to my poor health. My goal has always been to get well and then finally start a family with that wonderful husband of mine. So while I understood that my left ovary might function just fine and produce eggs every month on its own, I started worrying about what would happen if it didn't? I prayed a lot and one thought that crossed my brain was what if God had a very good reason for allowing me to lose my right ovary? What would happen if after the next 2 years of treatment (IVs here first and then lots of oral meds once I'm home) that I finally regain my health and M & I are able to finally try to get pregnant. What if we FINALLY got pregnant and then for some unknown reason we find that the fertilized egg has problems or issues that cause a miscarriage or the egg that's fertilized causes serious problems in utero for our unborn child or a lifetime full of health problems much greater than the ones I've faced? Basically I started to wonder what if my right ovary contained eggs that couldn't support the growth and development of a viable fetus in my womb? I am not saying that this is what I believe happened - I am only trying to find a positive light in what seems to be a lot of darkness at times. Only God knows the future and I trust in that as I trust in His plans for me. I just had that small thought (as we humans often do) as to why God would allow me to lose something so precious to me. After I had that thought and tried to see it as something good - or at least to stop seeing it as something bad - something amazing happened. People who heard about the surgery started to share their own personal stories of their "surprise baby" or their "miracle baby"! I got messages about so many women who for some reason or another had lost one ovary and yet went on to have babies with no problems!

I was truly blessed to see a very close friend of mine get her beautiful "miracle baby" after years of doctors telling her it wouldn't happen, or that there was no way she would ever be able to concieve naturally. I praised God over and over when I heard that she was pregnant - especially when I found out she got pregnant without the aid of modern medicine. I praised God for so many wonderful things He did during my friend's pregnancy - things that just could not be counted as "mere coincidence". In fact, I brought a picture of that baby up here to KC with me so I could have a visual reminder that God still performs miracles for us every day. We just often miss out on them because we are so busy counting up how many things are "not fair" about our lives, our relationships, our health, our jobs, our family, etc. So, while this unforseen and unavoidable event may look to be so very unfair from our earthly view - our skewed human viewpoint - I trust that God's view is so very different. He is pushing me yet again to redefine my meaning when I say I am truly leaning on Him for all my needs. I do hate that things seem so hard for me right now. I hate that my family and friends were scared and worried that the bleeding might not stop and that my life might be in danger. But God had me in His hands and things are slowly getting better.

Now I want to listen to God as He teaches me about changing the way I see events that unfold in my life. I want to grow up and stop seeing things as "not fair" - I want to learn to see these same occurances as times where I pass right by my "not fair" way of thinking and start off with my "have faith" way of seeing. I want my faith to grow each day and faith cannot grow if it is never put under fire. If your faith is never tested then you could never see how much you really have or how you may need to start asking God to give you faith every day.

This may have been a long entry, but I have been unsure as how to write this entry. I was scared that I would only write something that would make people think God had put enough on my plate without the addition of this latest "crisis". But that's not true! He has never left my side and I have felt His strength daily. He heard my cries Monday night and yesterday and every other day of my life! Through this I have seen and felt direct evidence of His unfailing love. So thank you for reading all of this and remember I'm still a bit loopy so I just had to pray that whatever God wanted to say would come straight through to my typing fingers and not get muddled passing through my groggy head!

I had two very fitting verses from my daily calendar. On Monday when all the pain started & I ended up having the surgery, my calendar verse read:

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17 -19 (NIV)

On Tuesday when I was so scared of everything that had taken place, my daily verse was:

"The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them." Psalm 34:7 (NRSV)

And thank you Christy for sending me the following to focus on:

"The the word of the Lord came to Jeremiah: "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jeremiah 32:26-27

No, God - there is nothing too hard for You. You will never give me more than I can handle and when I pray to you for relief - I might not get it immediately, but you can teach me through painful times as well as prosperous times how to listen for Your voice and follow Your commands. Thank you Lord for again reaching me with Your love and comfort even as I wanted to run away in fear and pain. Thank you Lord for surrounding me with the prayers and well wishes of so many wonderful people - some of whom I have never even personally met. Dear Lord I know there is nothing that You cannot accomplish and my desire to become a mother is something you planted within me years ago. I must only trust in Your perfect timing and let go of my own time schedules and life plans. I have picked up my cross and chosen to follow you. Jesus tells us that we will not have it easy while living on this earth:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace, In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I pray that we all trust in God's plan for our lives and that by doing so we live our lives in abundance with Him. I love each and every one of you. I pray that God teaches us all how to live out each of our days in this world by showering others with the unconditional love we receive from Him.