Off Heparin & on "pain patches"

Well, it's not that I haven't wanted to write an entry this week. I have. It's not that I didn't have enough going on to tell you all about. I did. It's just that I couldn't think straight. The doctor decided I would stay off the Heparin until my body healed from the emergency surgery where the doctors ended up having to take my right ovary and fallopian tube. The doctors who performed the surgery said that it was due to the fact that they "couldn't stop the bleeding". However, I got all the records from the second I was in the ER until the moment I was dishcharged the next day and in the operative report it stated, "After several MINUTES of trying to get the ovary to stop bleeding we decided we would not be successful. Therefore the ovary and fallopian tube had to be sacrificed."

Well, yes, they were sacrificed all right, but since the blood work done right before my "emergency sugery" shows that I had regular clotting times then I'm not real sure if they couldn't stop the bleeding or if they just didn't want to spend any more time on me - I mean the entire surgery lasted 1 hour and 4 minutes from start to finish, so why would they want to waste one more second on me?

Okay - see that's why I haven't written. I haven't written because I got mad and I'm not supposed to get mad about this. God has let me know that I am supposed to get over this and be preparing myself for treatments and a new healthy life. I was clinging to what "had been done wrong" to me and not clinging to the fact that God made sure I still had my left ovary & fallopian tube. He can make me a mother if He wants to do so and I feel that He will, in His perfect timing.

Now, we did go to the sweet ob-gyn that I liked for my post-operative check up. I had a CT scan done that day and it showed that I had blood & fluid still in my abdomen. That could be the cause of the continued pain I have had now. Most laproscopic procedures are healed & no pain is felt after 3-4 days. I have the steri-strips off my incisions now and they are okay but I have still had a lot of abdominal pain. So, both the ob-gyn and my IV doc thinks the residual blood is irritating my abdomen. Bad thing is there's nothing we can do about it. The emergency docs removed as much of it "as possible" during the surgery but for now we will have to wait for the remainder to reabsorb into my body. It's kind of the same way you wait for a bruise to heal.

My wonderful IV doctor whom I love & adore realized that pain pills were not working on me. She figures that we haven't been able to really address my malabsorption issue yet so she feels that we have no idea how much pain medicine was actually getting into my system. She decided to prescribe me a pain patch. This thing is really amazing. It's a small patch and you just apply it on your left shoulder, upper arm or chest (basically somewhere flat & hairless) and it delivers a constant dose of a morphine derived drug for 72 straight hours. For me this was good because I was finally not in agony from the surgery, but 72 hours of pain meds make me really loopy I have found. So, that's yet another reason I didn't update yet. I'm thankful that her & my ob-gyn both realize that someone like me - basically someone who is fighting off various illnesses, bacterial infections, etc. just doesn't heal as quickly as your normal 34 year old woman. So they felt that I should have pain management options for the next 3 weeks. I still look like an old woman trying to get in and out of the car but it's getting better. I am quicker to get out of bed - but that's not to say I'm quick since it was taking me 10+ minutes and now it takes about 5 minutes...haha. But I feel that I am slowly but surely getting back to where I was pre-operation.

Now about the Heparin. The doc who did my surgery told me flat out that "you wouldn't have had to lose that ovary if you hadn't been on Heparin". Again I hear another doctor acting as if Heparin were the devil's business & I was in no way supposed to be on this drug. I talked to my doctor about it and my ob-gyn about it & they both said the Heparin wouldn't have changed the outcome of the surgery. However, my IV doc took me off Heparin while I am healing & I HATE being off Heparin. I couldn't really tell you while I was on it what good it was doing, but boy, I can now that I'm off of it.

First, I know I am back to the beginning of this journey - I am back to being the girl who doesn't get blood flood to 3 very important areas of her brain. This thick blood makes me tired & it's harder on my heart too. I have gotten to watch myself go downhill as I have been off the Heparin. I am stuttering again (loss for words, can't get them out quickly, seem to get stuck on one word, etc.) and I hate it. I can't think nearly as well as I had been for the last month. I've also noticed a not so great side-effect of the blood not reaching the part of the brain where my anxiety comes from. I am very over anxious and paranoid. I feel like I am hurting someone's feelings all the time and then when I apologize I think the person is still mad at me. What they're probably really mad about is this girl who stutters following them around saying, "Are you sure you're not mad???" I didn't realize how much the blood flow to my brain really changed my personality - but it does! I wrote the doctor a note on Friday saying that since the CT scan done Wednesday morning just showed residual blood, not any new bleeds or leakage if we might could start the Heparin therapy again this week. She really uses such a small amount that it could never cause the bleeding issues the ER docs have blamed it for and I know that. I just want to be back on it now. I want to get back to where I was pre-surgery because that girl wasn't as tired, wasn't as confused, wasn't as paranoid and definitely wasn't as apt to cry. I liked that girl a lot more than this one.

However, this girl off Heparin and on the pain patch. She is drugged up enough to not feel the pain and to let things roll right off her back. So - maybe the pain patch is helpful for me while I'm off the blood thinner/anticoagulant??? I'm going to take my patch off tonight & it will slowly decrease my pain meds over the next 12-16 hours. If I feel okay tomorrow then I won't use any more of the patches. If the severe pain returns then I will just slap on another patch and play the waiting game until my body absorbs the blood that seems to want to just hang out in my abdomen.

I have lots of other things to tell you, but I can't think straight. I just didn't want you all worried since it's been a week of no updates. Basically it's been a week of feeling loopy and needing more sleep than I actually got. Thanks so much for caring and reading all of this. I will write more later when I'm thinking clearer. Hopefully we'll start back on the Heparin tomorrow or Tuesday and I will be thinking much better within a few days.

Thank you for all your prayers and love. I couldn't do this without God's love and guidance, without M & my mom taking such good care of me, and without the hundreds of prayers that you all say for me all the time. I love you all for being so wonderful during this time and letting me feel your love.

And as you might can tell from this entry I am anxious & very ready to start back on the Heparin. So again I need to pray for God to give me the strength to be patient. Today's verse on my calendar is very apt for my situation again :)

"Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield." Psalm 33:20 (NRSV)

I will wait - I will wait for God to clear the path for me to have Heparin again. I will wait for God to reach down and give me comfort instead of this anxious feeling. I will wait for God to help my body absorb this remaining blood. I will wait on God because He has never failed me.

More later - I'm about to be late for afternoon treatments!!! Love you all!!!!