It's ALWAYS our choice

When I say it’s always our choice I mean that we, as human beings, get to choose how we act or react to different situations. I know that how we act is very important. However, I think there are times when it’s our “reactions” that reveal more about our true nature. I guess as we get older all people learn to say “the right thing” to others – whether it’s a compliment, or a simple answer like, “Oh I’m fine!” in response to the question, “How are you today?” Whatever we say or do or think – it is always our choice. God gave the animals instincts and He gave us free will. Why am I mentioning this? Because I think we have all gotten caught up in the distractions of this world. ALL of us have at some time or another because it is so very easy to do. However, when we are in that mindset we are really choosing to care much more about what other people think of us instead of caring about GOD thinks of us. This world is dangerous ground, my friends, full of all sorts of things that can pull us away from God and what His plan for our lives might be.

I know this because I lived it. For a long time I was not concerned about God’s plan for me, I was concerned about MY plan for me. So I point no fingers at anyone else because the first finger would be pointed glaringly at me. It wasn’t until everything was stripped away from me – my health, my job, my ability to take care of myself – that I got to see what choices I had been making. I must admit that when God allowed me to see the choices I had made year after year, I was ashamed, humbled, embarrassed, and honestly, I wished I hadn’t had to see all of my “wrong choices”. But God gently showed me how to start retraining my brain so that my decision making skills came not from my brain, but from my soul – where He sent the Holy Spirit to live in me. Now, am I always making the “right decision” these days? NO. I wish I could say differently, but all I can offer is that every day I TRY to make the right decisions and sometimes God allows me to see where I was successful. Yet, before I praise myself too much He also shows me where I could have done some things differently!

Okay, so what does all of this have to do with me in Kansas City and my health situation? Well, everything really. As you all know the emergency surgery I had where my right ovary had to be removed hit me very hard. I have written about how I questioned God about “WHY???” and how I was mad at God. The weeks since the surgery have been a soul searching time for me. I have literally mourned the loss of that ovary – and I think as a 34 year old woman who desperately wants to have children, that is probably what I needed to do – mourn. But what comes after that? When I went back to the clinic for treatments post surgery I was a shell of my former self. I wasn’t laughing or trying to make others laugh, nor was I really paying attention to anything around me. I was going through the motions – I was one of the walking dead – I was so confused as to what God expected of me. How did He think I would handle this loss? How could He expect me to see this as something positive or good? I was an emotional, physical and spiritual wreck. I’ve said before that I get depressed after being put under general anesthesia and it lingers for about 4+ weeks sometimes. I also don’t like being on strong pain medications because while there are times that they are truly a life saver – I feel as though I’m walking through my life in a hazy fog.

So where do I stand now? How do I feel about all of this? Where do I put it in perspective with God’s will for my life? First, I have decided not to go into detail about the horrific treatment I received at the hands of the doctor who was on call & did the surgery. I will only say that I have never been treated so callously nor have I ever seen a doctor look pleased when they responded to a question from a very upset and very scared patient. He caused the situation to be so much more traumatic for me than it would have been otherwise. I have been told by several doctors to write a letter to the board of the hospital detailing my treatment (or lack thereof) by this physician. Some have said to write the state medical board. So far I have drafted no letters. I will say this though. I do not hate that man even though I wanted to for awhile. I don’t particularly like him but I will continue to pray on that. And honestly, if his wife or daughter (if he has either) were ever put in the same situation as I, my greatest prayer would be that they received a much better doctor than I did in my time of need.

I say that much only so you can understand that my experience wasn’t just scary – it actually caused me to have PTSD (or post traumatic stress disorder) and my other doctors saw this. The patient they saw after that surgery was nothing close to the woman they had seen before. I lost a lot of my zest and I lost a lot of the fight I had in me to battle these multiple illnesses I have. Sad thing is, you can’t get well if you just give up. I was there – I was ready to just give up. I didn’t see the point in any of it anymore. I walked around in fear thinking this could just as easily happen to my one remaining ovary. I withdrew from everyone and everything. I was simply a shell of the person I know myself to be.

Then my wonderful husband came into town and said something that touched my heart. He asked me why I was so very worried about all of this – having babies, etc. I probably looked at him like he was a fool, but I said, “Because it’s all I ever wanted.” He replied, “K, God has a plan for our lives and it is a good plan. But we have to trust Him. You don’t need to worry about this right now.” I realized that he was right. What had happened was that I was trusting God with everything in my life – or so I thought. In reality, I trusted Him with everything but I hadn’t trusted Him with my deepest heartfelt desire of becoming a mother. So, I realized that I had to put that at His feet as well. EVERYTHING – ALL OF ME – I have to put that all at His feet. I learned that I was only giving God authority over 95% or so of my life. It doesn’t work that way. I think the devil wanted me to blame God for losing that ovary. But after a lot of prayer and some time with my sweet husband, I came to see that I have no idea how this life of mine will turn out. I do know that I want God to be in control of it because I still find myself making a mess out of simple choices every day.

We met with my IV doc on Thursday and found out that my blood levels are up (in the 10s now and we’re hoping by next week they will be in the 12-15 range which is “normal”). My potassium is back to normal, my protein is back to normal. Basically I got to see on paper that my body is healing from this trauma. God is healing my body from this horrible incident, so why should I worry that He wouldn’t heal my soul? It took a day or two for that to sink in but by yesterday afternoon I finally felt like my old self again. I went to afternoon treatment sessions and I laughed and I made other people laugh and it felt good. I felt like a weight had been lifted and honestly it had – the worry had been removed from my soul. I am healing. It is slow but that’s okay because I have given God reign over my healing. I put my faith in Him.

This morning at treatment I realized that Monday will be 3 weeks since the surgery. I thought that sounded about right. I looked back and realized I had given myself 4-5 days to be in shock afterwards, another 4-5 days to focus on the horrendous pain, and another 4-5 days to mourn the loss of that ovary. I don’t think God has a problem with me mourning for a few days because He knows we need to grieve before we can be joyful again. I am happy to announce that my husband came here Wednesday and he brought a lot of joy with him as he usually does. I love that about him. He makes me laugh every single day. It’s hard not to laugh when he’s around. So, the timing of his visit was perfectly planned – and I know God knew when to send him.

I know I have finally returned to “my version of normal” now though. This morning one of the treatment nurses was commenting on how much better I am moving around. She jokingly said, “Well look at you speed demon! You’re getting around much better!” And my irreverent humor came out again as I said, “They keep on trying to hold me back and they cannot! This time they even stabbed me in the abdomen and stole one of my ovaries and I’m still here – they can’t get rid of me that easily. In fact, I think that right ovary was just weighing me down. I bet you now that it’s gone I’ll be faster than ever! They thought they were slowing me down but they might have just speeded me up!!!” And I laughed about my loss. That’s when I knew God was still right there beside me. Allowing me to process my hurts in my own way and showing me that He will take care of tomorrow if I will only try and make the right choices today. Today the right choice is to show people how to come back from something that hurt you – traumatized you even. You just keep on counting on God to be The Great Physician and you honestly make the CHOICE to realize that everyone has their own “hurts” and no matter how great yours may seem in the moment, there are others who have it so much worse. So, I lost my right ovary. I still have my left one and I can still have a baby if God chooses to bless me with one. Other people have lost so much more and made the choice to move forward in the most positive way possible. The best way to get over your own pain is to try and help others who are in pain. I think that’s why I like to make people laugh during our treatments, it’s my small way of trying to lift their pain for just a moment.

Thank you Lord for being with me constantly and showing me how you wanted me to handle this “hurt” of mine. I pray that you show me how to be a shining light of your love as I keep on pushing through these treatments. I am in awe of how much love you have for all of us “imperfect people” and I pray you help me see people how you see them – with amazing, unconditional love.

I pray for all of you who read this as well and I love you all. I am constantly in awe of the many people that I hear from who are praying for me. I hope you all know that without your prayers I might not have gotten over my “loss” in such a good way. GOD IS SO GOOD – GOD IS SO GOOD – GOD IS SO GOOD, HE’S SO GOOD TO ME. I still love singing that song I learned in Sunday school 30+ years ago because it still rings true.

“I love the Lord because he hears and answers my prayers. Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath!” Psalm 116:1-2 (NLT)

“Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5 (NIV)

I will end this VERY LENGTHY entry with a beautiful quote:

“God comforts. He lays His right hand on the wounded soul…and He says, as if that were the only soul in all the universe: O greatly beloved, fear not: peace be unto thee.” – Amy Carmichael