When will I ever learn?

First health update - got to start the Heparin again yesterday. They had to hold off because I still had not been making enough blood to compensate for what was lost in the surgery. I'm still not in the "normal range" but they are puting me on a supplement to help with that. So, I pray that the Heparin takes away a lot of this anxiety from my mind now. I feel better just knowing that I am getting the small dose that I am for now. I am still very weak, but we're hoping that as I build my blood levels back up to normal that I will feel stronger as well. For now the only oral meds I am being allowed to take is that new supplement, a prescription for Potassium because mine fell so low after the surgery and of course, my ever present Ativan and Valium. I think God makes sure that I don't go without those because He knows I can't handle all this mess with my crazy brain!

Oh and mom went home this morning and M is here for a week. It's always a hard adjustment for me because I get used to how one of the does things and then it makes it hard for the other one to come back and get into the groove of things. However, I am very happy to see my husband. This is the first time I've seen him since before the surgery and if you think I'm happy you should see the dance that little m is doing for his daddy! Prancing around and trying to get him to throw the ball, or give him some food - either one will work. Now for my real reason for writing.

Well, I'm sure you can tell from my lack of entries lately that I haven't felt up to much of anything. However, that's only partly true. Basically I've been really upset with God. I've told Him this - He knows and He will eventually show me how to let go of the anger all over again. The main problem is losing my ovary. No, I do understand that I can still go on and have lots of babies with just one ovary. The problem is that I didn't understand WHY it had to happen? We (M, me, our friends & family) had really hoped and prayed that after 3-4 months I would be able to leave here & go home and continue my treatment on oral medications there. However, while I do know that miracles can happen, I know that right now with all my setbacks I'll be staying here for a good while longer.

Oh - the other problem is that going under general anesthesia really makes me depressed. I hate it more than anything. I wish the depression lifted as fast as the anesthesia did, but it lingers for 4-6 weeks sometimes. I know that's the other part of the problem. I'm depressed, hormonal, basically more of a wreck that when I got here. But God seems to be telling me that in order for me to really lean on Him, in order to know what real faith is, I have to be willing to go to the bottom of the pit and do nothing but praise His name.

And honestly I do have so many reasons to praise His name. After the surgery I felt alone, abandoned, and I wasn't real sure where God was in the grand scheme of everything. However, I prayed one night that I could feel His love for me. That He would allow me to feel His love surrounding me during this very difficult and confusing time. Kid you not, the very next day I got 2 packages and like 4 cards in the mail. Cards from my in-laws Sunday school class, from people that are praying so much for me even though they haven't seen me since high school, I got a very sweet and uplifting CD of praise music (thank you Lavonda!). I got a box full of goodies from one of my best friends (and even though I haven't formally thanked her - she knows how I feel). Basically I got a big heap of love from God through all these people who wanted me to FEEL their love around me at a time when they couldn't come see me at my house.

I'm still a little dazed and confused about all that's happened. The pain patch worked but it "stopped me up" to put that in the least offensive of terms and the pain that came from the numerous bathroom visits was horrible. I'm still dealing with it and haven't figured it all out - the "whys" of this journey. The fact is that I may never know why - for any of this - until I get to Heaven and ask God myself. Of course, it would be nice to see something good come of all of this while I was here on earth and I know that the most important thing of all is that no matter how upset I get or how mad I feel towards God - I KNOW HE LOVES ME. I KNOW HE COUNTS EVERY TEAR. I KNOW THAT HE HURTS FOR HIS CHILDREN. AND I KNOW THAT THIS IMPERFECT WORLD IS OUR OWN DOING - NOT HIS.

I must say how amazed I am that the devil can still get to me so easy, but I shouldn't be. I mean, of course the devil would want to stop me. Stop me from praising God during my time of trouble. Stop me from seeing God's hand in everything and make me start wondering why God's hand had disappeared. The devil wants to confuse you and believe me, I have been confused. God knows that, God knows my heart. I may be upset, but He will deliver me from this just as He has delivered me from everything else and that my friends is a promise. Why do we make the mistake of believing that this world is the "easy world" when it clearly is not? Why do we not see that things of this world are only here for a moment and that it's eternity that we should be looking forward to? This world has beautiful things and creatures and people in it & God wants us to enjoy those things that He made for us. He wants us to go out & spread His word and His love. And I've sat here and questioned both of those things here lately. I'm ashamed to admit it was so easy to get me confused. But it happens and we just have to recognize where that confusion is coming from and like I've said before - GOD IS NOT THE AUTHOR OF CONFUSION.

Please Lord, let me do whatever task you have set before me with grace and confidence in your love. Do not allow me to be swayed because for a moment things seem to be going in the exact opposite direction than what I want. Please give me the strength to carry on through and do whatever it is YOU want me to do. Allow me to see just how silly it is for little old me who knows nothing of the future you have planned for her, to be mad at you for something like removing an ovary that was causing me pain. And mainly, Lord, please let me walk through this with my eyes constantly set on YOU and YOUR WAYS. Let the desire for me to run my own life fall away, let the idea that I know what's best for me just fade away, let me know every single day that it is always YOU not me, that knows what will happen in my life. I praise your name Lord and I stand in shame for having been tossed around and allowing myself to wallow in such horrible self-pity.

Thank you so very much for all of your prayers. They are helping so much and I feel that. I feel blessed to have so many people care enough to read this and who take time out of their lives to pray for me. I can't thank you enough. Just know that I love you all.

"God - his way is perfect, the promise of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:30