Asking for prayers instead of answers...

I hate to sound down, but I am. My body is not healing well at all from the emergency surgery I had last Monday. In fact, I am still in a lot of pain. I was trying to ease off the pain pills and went 14-16 hours without one yesterday, but by 3:00 a.m. I was awake and in tears. Tears of pain, tears of exhaustion & tears of confusion. Two of the incisions are healing very well & haven't caused me much pain at all. The third incision is the one that is dealing me fits right now. That one was wider & apparently the doctor tried to make sure the last couple of stitches were tight to keep everything together. However, I think they are TOO tight. When I try to get out of the bed or stand up from a seated position, they pull into my body. It's like someone has a plunger on the inside of my body and just pulls those 2 stitches backwards when the rest of my body is moving forward. There's a sharp pain that accompanies this and then it's like I am seeing stars and I'm miserable.

Now, I've had abdominal surgery before & after a week I was much better and if memory serves (which it might not as you know - haha) I was off the pain meds in about 4 days. When I went to the clinic for fluids yesterday afternoon (I haven't been on the IV antibiotics since the surgery) the nurse said that it could be that I have so many other illnesses going on - like the flu for instance - and that is causing my body to not heal as quickly as it should. I understand this, but I am tired and I want to feel better.

I have run a little bit of fever the past two nights but I think that's from the flu because the incisions themselves look fine so I don't think I'm dealing with infection here. I am supposed to start back on the IV antibiotics tomorrow but am not sure if I will try for the a.m. treatment or not yet. I don't sleep well on pain meds and I am exhausted because everynight I'm basically just taking 2 hour naps here & there. Also, getting out of the bed is a nightmare. I really look like a turtle that has been turned over on his shell. My movements have to be so calculated so that I don't pull the wrong muscles and I scoot around until I can make my way off the bed. What stinks is that after basically 3 years of being in the bed the only real muscles I had left were my abdominal muscles because that's what I used to sit up in bed with. My shoulders always hurt so it was easier to just pull up that way. So, the last muscle group of any use to me is what's been operated on & I am struggling to heal.

So, please pray that God will give me the strength to get through this. I know He will, but prayers never hurt! I am having a hard time with all of it because pain pills seem to put me in a bad state of mind - I tend to get depressed when I take them. So, I've been upset about the fact that I had to have this surgery in the first place. I asked the dreaded "why me" a few times. I've been upset that after all I've been through that God couldn't leave me with my both of my ovaries. But that's where I stop. I have to stop there because it would be absolutely useless, not to mention stupid, to go further down that road of questions. First, I would get nowhere complaining about something that is irreversible. Second, I have to keep my eyes on God and I know that God can see my future and I simply cannot. No matter how much I would like to see just a glimpse of what might lie ahead for M & I, say 5 years down the road, I don't have God's eyes that can see it all. He can see the very beginning of time - He can see the present day as we see it - and He can see until the very end of time. So, I stop at that thought of why He wouldn't leave me my right ovary. I stick to the thought that He knows much better than I the whys of all of these things. I might as well be asking why He allowed me to get so sick. What's the point of WHY? The point of all of these things is to try and learn whatever it is He wants me to learn from each situation.

Right now I am not sure what He wants me to learn from this "emergency surgery" but I do know that over the past couple of days I have been reminded from a few people that God does not give you thoughts of confusion - He is not "the author of confusion". However, I do know that the devil will use every emotion we have to confuse us and keep us from doing what God desires. I think in my case the devil will use my pain, he will use the depression I get from the pain medication, he will use the fact that both my body and my mind are so very exhausted that I might not know up from down right now. However, he can only use those things if I allow him to do so and right now I am saying that I will not allow it any longer. I am a child of God and I know that calling out God's name and listing all the good and marvelous things that God has done for me will knock that devil off ground he may have gained during the past few days of my confusion. I know God is watching over me - I know He hates to see me hurt. If I know all of that, then I know that this "emergency surgery" is just part of the life I was meant to have here on earth and really, that's all I need to know. God is still on His throne, He is still very much in control and I am still so very grateful for His love and protection.

It's easy to get bogged down in the "why me Lord?" questions but they will lead you nowhere. They are the path to dead end - whether it's a physical, emotional or spiritual dead end - it's all the same. God never leads you down a dead end. He is the living God - He is THE WAY - THE TRUTH - THE LIGHT. He is always using the bad for His good if we allow Him to do that for us. So right now I am handing over these feelings of disappoinment, confusion, depression and I am telling God to take them from me. I am reminding myself that I am the one who chooses what road to take in my life. I am choosing to follow the road God is leading me down. He never says it will be easy or that we will have earthly delights from following Him - but we will have treasures in Heaven and we will have an eternal glory with Him. So, pray that I follow that path. Pray that everyone you know fights the good fight and that God helps them push away the fears, the doubts, the depression, the lonliness and that God fills them with His love and washes them in His spirit. I am asking for prayers - not just for me, not just for your family and friends - but pray for every person you come across. If someone's name runs through your head take 5 seconds and pray for that person.

See, I am feeling better already mentally. I know I may have more pain & that this physical suffering may not end very soon. But, I pray and I trust that God is leading me down a path that is full of love and compassion and all the good things I can think of. If not for God, I would not have found my way here to Kansas City and I would still be getting weaker and wondering what was "really wrong with me". And while I may not have made the progress I want in the time frame I want (repeat this with me because it's taking me forever to learn it) - GOD'S TIMING IS PERFECT. Whether we get to see that on this side of Heaven or not doesn't matter. I trust that His timing is perfect. I hold on to what I was taught as a young child, "God is so good. God is so good. God is so good, He's so good to me." And it really is that simple.

Much love to you all. And to close out here's a few verses that spoke to me as I hurt right now:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (NIV)

"You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny." Psalm 73:24 (NLT)

Oh - and a quote that I really like - one that touches me right where I am today:

"Everything God does is love - even when we do not understand Him." Basilea Schlink

OH - and this one is beautiful and is very special. It was written on a wall where Jews were hidden during WWII:

"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining.
I believe in love even when I do not feel it.
I believe in God even when He is silent."

Finally, I leave you with this one:

"Open your hearts to the love God instills...God loves you tenderly. What He gives you is not to be kept under lock and key, but to be shared." Mother Teresa

Well, I'm feeling much better now. I hope you all have wonderful Sundays full of God's love, truth and comfort.