Days I wish I could forget...

I think sometimes people don't really grasp what all is going on with me because I HATE writing entries that are "downers". However, after much thought on the subject, I think I have to write the whole truth about how I'm doing right now. Why? Because I need the prayers.

The truth is that I am in constant pain. My hands hurt to the point where I really don't want to be on the computer often and sometimes I wear gloves inside the house and at treatment. My feet hurt to stand on and my knees don't always work well. I hurt more than I have in a long time. The doctor says this is good because it shows that the medications are killing the bacteria and the dead bacteria becomes toxic in your blood until it is flushed from your body. The toxins are what make your symptoms so much worse. It's called a "Herxheimer reaction" - might want to check my spelling on that one, but you can google it and probably get a decent definition. Anyway, it means that getting better means getting a lot worse first. I knew this coming into treatment and I accepted it then and I accept it now. It's just hard on me.

Yesterday right at the end of treatment my body started to show signs that it might be trying to have another seizure. My sweet nurses checked me over and gave me a shot of Ativan and more Heparin to help see if we could keep it "at bay" and we did. I had a lot of right side tremors but nothing close to the grand mal seizure I had a month or so ago. I am very thankful to God for making me say something to the nurses. I really hate to complain. I hate to "be sick" or "feel bad" in front of anyone. Is that insane? Probably. However, after 20+ years of doctors telling me I didn't have anything wrong and sometimes even my supposed "good friends" acting like I was being a hypochondriac - well, you end up with someone who hates hospitals and never wants to "act sick" for fear that people think I'm doing just that - "acting". The past few years we at least had doctors who would tell me there was something wrong with my immune system, or my heart, or my kidneys, but then they would tell me they weren't sure what it was. I'm afraid all of those times have left me "scarred but smarter" as the saying goes.

Anyway, I am not doing well physically or mentally and I am asking that you pray even more, if that's possible because I know how much everyone is already praying! I thought if I gave you an idea of what my "typical day" consists of, you may know how to pray more specifically. So here goes:

Mornings:
I wake up around 5:45 a.m. every day of the week and I want to cry because my body hurts so much but I don't have time. I have to get up and eat breakfast, take my medications, dress in heavy layers (most mornings over the past 3 weeks have been in the 30s & 40s). Mom (or M if it's his week here) drive me to treatment by 6:35. I get hooked up to my IV and sit in a chair that mocks all of my efforts to make it comfortable. I usually can't sit still very well because I hurt. By 9:00 I am back at the apartment taking more medications and trying to get at least 2 hours of sleep.

Afternoons:
I wake up and take more medication and try to eat lunch around 1:30 or 2:00 so it will be close to when I have to go to afternoon treatment. You don't want to go to treatment on an empty stomach because you will get nauseated and you may even throw up. I then try and find something warm and comfortable to wear because even if it's 70 degrees outside the air conditioning in my treatment room makes it around 60 degrees. Honestly, one day it was 56 degrees outside and the air conditioner still came on. Don't ask me - I just get treatment here. I get there around 3:00 and get home right before 6:00.

Evenings:
Once I'm at the apartment I may have to take some medications that are taken on an empty stomach then wait 30 minutes before eating dinner and taking the meds that I have to take with food. Now that I'm treating the Babesia one of my meds has to be taken 1 hour away from all other supplements and medications so 1 hour after I take my dinner pill I have to take this medication with 4-5 ounces of grapefruit juice. Then I have to wait another hour before I can take my bedtime medications. Sad to say that even with the Ativan, Valium and anti-seizure medications I am not sleeping well at all. I may fall asleep around 1:00 a.m. which gives me 5 hours before I start the whole cycle over again.

Now, that's my schedule time wise, but it doesn't really go into what all of this is doing to me physically or mentally. I am sure you can imagine I'm exhausted. IV antibiotics make your brain feel like jello - you can't think well or focus on much. Add to that the anti-anxiety medications, the IV Benadryl (this is given to help with Herx reactions so I wonder how bad things would be if I DID NOT take it), and the other oral antibiotics, the new antifungal medication for Babesia, the anti seizure drugs, etc., etc. - it all adds up to me having a short fuse and wanting to cry a lot.

But I try hard not to cry. Why? Because crying would only make my headaches worse and I still (yes, even after all of this) do not want to throw my own pity party. Maybe that's why I try so hard to only give the good news or spin things to show only the positive side? Or maybe it's because I still feel thankful to have made it here alive and to be receiving treatment at all. There was a good 4-6 week period before we got here that we weren't sure if my heart would keep on beating, that I would get here in time to be treated. I think I cut it close, but I had full faith in God's plan whether it included me getting treated or going on to heaven. I still have full faith in God's plan. Just because I am having a really hard time right now doesn't mean I doubt His plan in the least. God is good. I know this. I am thankful for every day I have even though so many of them are filled with uncontrollable pain and a sadness that seems to be sinking into the core of me. I think that's part of the process of treatment.

I think that God will use all of this to strengthen me mentally as well as physically. I also think God is trying to get me to open up more. To let other people in on what is truly going on here. While I love to lift people up, I think God is wanting me to see that it is not a sin to show your weaknesses and He's shown me I have plenty of those! I used to never like to think of my "shortcomings" but now I know that if I don't show those - if I don't allow you to see how terribly weak I really am - if I continue to let you think that I wake up every day excited to head to my next treatment session, well, I am stealing the glory that is meant for God. He is the one who gets me through every day. He is the one who is counting each and every tear I cry. He is the one who gives me just enough energy to be able to be somewhat upbeat while I am around the other patients in treatment. He allows me to make them laugh and helps me to perk them up. Then He continues to be with me as I go home from treatment physically exhausted and emotionally spent. He is with me all the time - this I know. He is in the darkest valleys and He is trying to tell me that all I need to do is stop trying to do it all myself and allow Him to carry me through this time. I think I have to take Him up on that offer, because honestly, if it were up to me I think I would have quit a long time ago.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and for a woman who has passed over 100 kidney stones - well, that says a lot. These are my "cave days" meaning like the days that David went into the caves to hide from Saul who wanted to kill him. David listened to God then and God brought him through those days. I am trying hard to listen only to God right now, but the side effects of the medications make that really hard most days. I pray that God makes His will so clear to me that there is no way I could mistake it for anything else. I know He is with me and He hurts for me. He hurts for all His children. However, I feel that coming through all of this will strengthen me in ways I can't imagine yet. I pray for His guidance to surround me and for me to bring His light to everyone I meet or see. I'm not the only one having "cave days" - there's a whole room of other patients who are going through the toughest time of their lives too. So pray for all of us.

These may be days I wish I could forget, but I know that the lessons I learn throughout this journey will be ones that I will cling to for the rest of my life.

I thank each one of you who takes the time to read these entries, who pray for me, who just think about me even. It means more than you will ever know and I am certain God has placed certain people in my life here, just as He has placed this blog in front of other certain people so that we all might pray for each other and find strength and comfort in Him.

I'll end with this verse from Isaiah:

"In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength." Isaiah 30:15 (from NRSV)

Much love to you all-
K

Changing up treatments...

I believe I've described a bit about the rage, anger, frustration, hysterical crying, etc. that seems to accompany the treatment for the Babesia. I may have even described about how, during one of my hysterical crying fits, I cried out to God to just let me die. That's a hard thought to fathom. The good thing is that I know it's not really MY thought. I know that all of this behavior is coming from a combination of the illnesses, the IVs, the other medications, etc. However, if I wasn't putting my full faith in God right now, I might think otherwise. I might believe those thoughts, the ones full of rage, hate, anger and sadness, were my very own thoughts and that would be awful. Instead, I know that nothing can steal the joy that God places in my heart. That doesn't mean Christians can't have "bad days" because we definitely can. It just means that if we truly have faith and believe in God, then we know that even the bad days can turn out for His good.

Going through the first two weeks of the Babesia treatment was testing my brain and my heart. I felt like I wasn't even talking to God and I wasn't sure what to say or pray to Him if I did. I was overcome with every awful emotion and I thought, "I just have to get through this. Once I'm through with the treatment for Babesia, I'll feel more myself again." Well, the treatment for Babesia is a drug called Mepron along with two supplements that help the Mepron stay in your system. I talked to one of my sweet treatment friends, I'll just call her "C", and she was having these intese feelings of rage and anger too. I immediately realized it was the medication we were on for the Babesia because if any of you knew "C" you would know that she is a precious, bubbly, sweetheart of a person who you would not even think capable of "thoughts of rage" - I do mean that in the best possible way. She is just a wonderful person. Even though I realized that we were both reacting to this medication, or perhaps how this medication works when mixed with all the other medications we're on, I still thought I should just ride it out. The doctor already had me taking the Mepron every 3rd day instead of every day like some patients. I wasn't sure there was much more that could be done to help me.

However, after having my husband arrive and crying hysterically and pitching a royal fit over how 3 different ice packs still didn't work to fit around my elbow - and of course throwing said ice packs to make sure the point got across, well, I knew I had to let the doctor know something HAD to be done. On Thursday morning I wrote a note to the doctor and by that afternoon the nurse came in and told me I would only be getting fluids (along with my IV Heparin and Benadryl) that afternoon. She said that they were changing my schedule so that on the days I take Mepron I will only get IV fluids instead of IV antibiotics during treatments. She also said the next morning after my day of Mepron I would get IV fluids only during my a.m. treatment and then get IV antibiotics that afternoon. The doctor does not want me to see this as a setback because honestly, my body couldn't have been healing while I was crying hysterically every other day or so. But, it's still hard to realize that out of the 14 IV treatments I get (2 times a day, 7 days a week) only 8 of them will have antibiotics. The reason I will go in for just the fluids (outside of the fact that it helps to keep me on schedule with my Heparin and I need the Benadryl to help with my "herx" reactions) is that the doctor wants to help push the toxins out that will be in my blood from killing off the Babesia. Not to mention that I tend to stay dehydrated when I'm off IVs.

Friday I had IV fluids only and yesterday I had IV fluids in the morning and IV antibiotics in the afternoon. Sunday, today, I will have IV antibiotics in both my morning and afternoon treatment sessions. So far I think I can already feel a difference. I feel more "myself" and while I know that I can still get upset and angry, I don't feel like it's as severe as it was. I hope this schedule really helps me keep calm or at least keep me from acting like a raving lunatic!

I must say that even though I felt like God was so far away from me - especially when I was in a rage - He never left me. One of the wonderful patients here is a missionary and author who gave me a copy of her book on CD. It's called "Jesus Calling" and it's a wonderful book. At times when I could not focus my eyes to read or when I couldn't calm down enough to even think of opening a book, I pushed play on my CD player and listened to her book. I love how she used scripture to back up everything in her book, but how she was able to write it as if Jesus were talking just to you. It was the best thing I found to help calm me down and I'm not sure how I would have gotten through those 2 weeks without it. I must have listened to those 7 CDs 2 or 3 times each. So, God made sure that even when my brain was betraying me, He was there keeping me from going absolutely crazy, He was there letting me know that those were not my thoughts, those were not my ideas.

Now I'm beginning to realize what people mean when they speak about the devil taking advantage of any weakness you have. I think the devil took full advantage of how my brain was working and planted horrible thoughts in my head causing me to struggle to just make it through every single day. The devil is like the school bully who kicks you when you're down. He wants to steal every happiness from you, but he REALLY wants to keep you from praising God. I must admit for awhile he was doing a good job at that. The devil kept me off the computer, kept me from posting anything to you all, kept me feeling sorry for myself and made sure my thoughts were occupied by how I felt and not at all focused on how other people felt. In fact, I had to remind myself several times that the devil can only steal your joy if you allow him to do so and if you don't stop him. I called out to God many times asking that he keep the devil from me and protect my thoughts. So, it's fitting that the book I'm currently reading is "Reverse the Devil's Decision" by Mike Purkey who's been a pastor for 30 years. He writes a lot about how the devil's decision is to steal away your joy, happiness, friends, health, basically anything God would want to bless you with, the devil wants to take from you. I feel like he is writing about what my head and my heart have been through over the past 2 weeks - the utter chaos that the devil can cause in your life if you don't recognize his schemes and lies.

I think the past two weeks could have been so much worse if I didn't have so many wonderful people praying for me. I have gotten the sweetest cards and notes and little gifts and I am truly thankful to each one of you who keeps on praying for me, even though these treatments are lasting far longer than I wanted. I know God has placed me here for a purpose - to regain my health and to let everyone I can know that I will praise His name no matter what I am going through. In fact, praising Him is the only way to get through some of this - just by keeping my eyes focused on Him and taking it day by day. I cannot worry about the future because that is not what God wants me to do. He simply asks that I step out in faith every day and know that He has promised to provide me with what I need for that day. I am trying to do that every day and with some of these medications it's hard to do, but it's not impossible. I may fail miserably one day, but thankfully God keeps giving me another day to try again.

I'll close this long post with these verses:

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23 (NRSV)

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 (NRSV)

Thank you all for keeping up with me and for your steadfast prayers and love. I hope you all have a great week and I hope to write with more good news later on!!!

Much love-
K

Consequences of rage...

Well, this is just a entry to let you all know that the medication to treat the Babesia seems to make the Babesia symptoms worse...so yay (I do wish someone would create a special "sarcasm font"). Anyway, I had a fit of rage hit me so hard and so fast and, sadly, my computer became a victim and is now living in laptop heaven. I am so upset that I acted like a 4 year old and broke an expensive computer, however, I've been told by other patients here that actions like that are typical. The scary part to me is that it happened so fast I didn't even know what was going on until it was over.

I say that to inform you that I'm having to type this on my friend's computer during treatment. My very understanding husband has ordered me another laptop & honestly, I'm coming out better because the old one weighed too much for me to carry it to treatment often. I usually just borrow my friend's MacBook Air when she naps. However, the new one is only 3 lbs so I am hoping it will be much easier for me to lift.

Until then, dear readers, I will not be posting often. OH - and I cannot get my email either for those of you who email me. I can get onto facebook on my phone, but it gets frustrating. We hope the new one will be here within a week, but aren't sure.

Just pray that God gives me peace to replace this anger. This behavior is so foreign to who I am normally and I really hate experiencing these out of control emotions. I pray you are all having a good Sunday and will update when the new laptop arrives.

Much love-
K

Trying hard to keep it together...

So, I started the 3 medications to treat the Babesia (another of the Lyme co-infections) on Sunday. It's a hard system because I'm only taking the prescription medication every 3 days. We all know now that my body cannot handle doing this kind of thing every single day. There are two supplements that go with the prescription to help your body keep it in your system longer so it can fight all that nasty Babesia. Bad thing is that the prescription has to be taken at 12 hour intervals and must be taken with "fatty foods & proteins" which I don't digest well still. I'm eating sausage patties with a couple of biscuits for breakfast and then eating a fatty/protein dinner on the days I take the prescription. However, while one of the supplements that goes with it is easy to take (just take a pill with breakfast & lunch every day) the other supplement is to be taken the day before I take the prescription medication and then again the next day when I take the prescription medication. That one is the hardest because it cannot be taken within an hour of ANY OTHER MEDICATIONS - that includes IV meds. So, finding a way to fit into the medication schedule was tough, but we've done it. I also have to take it with 4 ounces of grapefruit juice which I don't like, but I'm doing whatever is asked of me to get well!!!

I do need some prayers though because these medications have really caused me to deal with some depression. The doctor also says I'm "herxing" which is the term used when you kill off some of the bacteria and viruses and they are basically toxins in your bloodstream until they get filtered out. A "herx" means you will feel worse physically and even mentally sometimes. I haven't been pain free in so long that I don't think I would know what to do if I woke up that way so I can't use my pain (bone/joint pain) as an indicator for when I am "herxing". However, I have found that I can definitely tell by my moods. I get extremely depressed. I start questioning if this will ever end. I wonder if I shouldn't just pack the car up & go home. Worst of all, I can get so low that I pray to God to just take me on home to heaven. The good thing is that I recognize that these thoughts aren't really coming from my brain - they are coming from the "herx", sometimes they come from side effects of the meds, and sometimes they come because IV antibiotics twice daily turns your brain into mush.

I know that the devil comes to us when we are at our weakest - whether it is physically or mentally. I know that the devil uses my depression to put all kinds of horrible thoughts in my head and he wants to take away my will to fight. Mainly though, if he can't take away my will to fight, he definitely wants to stop me from praising God during my down times. But I won't do it. It's hard some days to wake up and say, "I'm going to start singing praises to my Lord and Savior right now!" But, as I start to recognize these "evil thoughts" I listen more closely to hear God's word. I am blessed to have treatment friends that are true believers and who lift me up on those days and remind me that God's plan might include me going through this rough time, but He has great plans for me when I reach the end of this dark tunnel. I trust His plans. Even in the midst of my confusion, even when I may say aloud, "Dear Lord, WHAT DO YOU WANT?", even though I might cry and weep for the life I think I am "supposed to have" as opposed to my current one, if I can be quiet long enough...God speaks to me. He reassures me of His love and His faithfulness. He reminds me of the promises written about in the Bible and how I am one of His many children and therefore, I too will benefit from those wonderful promises.

Okay, so now you know to pray for my mental attitude to be strong and pray that I resist the temptation to think God has forgotten me - not only has He not forgotten me, He has never left my side during this entire ordeal. I only have to be silent and still and feel His Holy Spirit within me leading my brain to brighter thoughts and moods. The trick is to keep me quiet for that long - haha!

Now, I figure I haven't posted any pictures on here for awhile (I tend to post on facebook faster than on here!) so here are some that my treatment seatmate (and by now my very close friend, Suz) and I took after morning treatment. Mind you this was before I started the Babesia treatment so I look really happy - ha! Of course, I don't think I know how to NOT smile when there's a camera around. OH - and by the way - it was 36 degrees one morning this week when I was leaving for treatment and only in the 40s when I was picked up 2 hours later!! This weekend the highs are only supposed to be in the 40s and lower 50s. I wanted to let you know that before you thought, "Why is K all bundled up in these pictures?" Well, I'll tell you why - because Missouri is not Alabama, they don't mess around with any Indian summer!!!

Oh & today's calendar verse goes right along with what I already wrote:

"You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed." Joshua 23:14

So here are a couple of pics:

First one is me pushing the Benadryl syringe into my IV line. Benadryl helps with the herxes and mainly helps me to be able to nap just a little during the day. I'm not as lucky as some people who can sleep during treatment! I pray one day I'll be able to do that!

The next is one I took of me & Suz right before we left morning treatment. Oh & yes, I am wearing a hat & scarf INSIDE. The hat hides my dirty hair, but also helps keep me warm. I was wearing fuzzy lined suede boots, a long sleeve t-shirt, a short sleeve t-shirt over that and a long cardigan sweater/coat along with the cozy scarf AND had a down comforter on top of me along with a space heater near my feet. Yet, I still come home freezing!!! Hopefully when my blood levels get to the normal ranges I won't stay so cold!

And don't be fooled by Suz's t-shirt, she was also wearing boots, a hat, and had just taken her sweater jacket off. She has now purchased a beautiful blue scarf and wears it to treatment because I told her how warm mine kept me!

I thank God everyday for this gift of an amazing friend during one of, well, scratch that - THE roughest times of my life. It was no coincidence that we were seated next to one another and that we are both from the same town in Alabama!!! God granted me a wonderfully funny and very talented friend in Suz and I am again humbled by His constant goodness, and how He goes before me in ALL things. Oh, and our houses in Alabama are only about 7 minutes away from one another! No, there's no coincidence in that at all. Thank you Lord for all my wonderful treatment friends. Hopefully I'll feel like taking pictures again one day soon and I'll get some of my other "war buddies" otherwise known as my treatment friends!!!

Much love to you all-

K

Soul cleansing and silence...

I wish I were able to write more often on here. However, I am so tired and I sometimes feel that when I write then, I'm not communicating what God wants me to communicate.

I'll start with the health news. Basically I'm having a really hard time physically because of the flu and the Babesia. My joints hurt, my muscles ache, and my hands and feet are in constant pain it seems. In the mornings they hurt the worst and I wake up with my knuckles swollen and even have a hard time in the beginning of treatment pushing the syringes of Heparin and Benadryl into my PICC line. However, those are things I can deal with. They aren't fun, but they aren't sheer misery either.

My mental state is up and down though. Some days I'll be feeling really good only to find myself ready to cry 5 minutes later. This can be caused by many things. First, treatment is just hard and it is especially hard on a body that was already wearing itself out. Second, the flu brings with it a slight fever and I can get weepy with fevers (which I hate) and the Babesia makes my mood swings all but impossible to predict! Third and last, but perhaps the most important of all, is that I'm in a place with many very ill patients. This can cause me heartache because there are some amazing people here with such awesome fighting spirits! They show me every day the meaning of true inner strength and they are usually the same people who glorify God and praise Him in the midst of their immense physical problems. Then there are some people who seem to only focus on how bad they feel or how they feel so much worse than the other patients. Some like to think their suffering is so much greater or more important than the suffering of others. I feel the need to explain here that Lyme (and its many co-infections) attack the brain in several ways. So, a lot of people honestly don't have control over their brains (lack of neurotransmitters that help ward off depression is common and one of the big symptoms with a lot of these infections is rage and anger). They can't seem to help the anger and bitterness they feel. However, I do believe that if they were willing and trusted God with their problems that He could save them from those thoughts, or He may even help them rid their brain of those types of thoughts entirely - He's God, He can do anything!

When I see that negative behavior in someone, my first thought is of how sad I feel for them because it must be a miserable life to live when all you focus on is your sickness or your pain. By focusing on all the negatives these people really end up just causing themselves even more grief and suffering. I have to pray and ask God to help change my outlook or my mood so that I can be positive rather than allowing myself to wallow in misery, crying out about how unfair all of this is. I have to make a conscious choice to get God to help me change how I feel so I can focus on the good instead of the bad. I always try to be positive at the clinic because I love to be around other people and it makes my day if I can make someone smile or laugh. I feel like the best gift I have received from my chronic illness is all the "down time" I had to really take a deep look at what kind of person I was versus what kind of person I wanted to become. It's hard when you don't feel well, when you hurt, or when you're simply just exhausted to think that you have the energy or ability to change who you are inside, but it's not difficult if you ask God to grant you the strength to do so. You have to ask for His strength because our human strength isn't enough. I have to allow God to help me with my attitude and temperament. I hope that I am able to help others see that God, not me, is responsible for my positive attitude and my ability to joke through the hard times. I want to encourage other people and try to make them laugh because I think the more we look at all the joy we DO have in our lives, the less we see the problems in our lives because we are refocusing our view.

Paul wrote in Philippians that we are to present our requests to God with prayer and thanksgiving. I've found that beginning prayer by thanking God for the many wonderful things that I have in my life often reassures me of His constant presence. It allows me to see that He has gone before me and taken care of problems that I didn't even know to pray about. It convinces me that He is making the trail for my life and if I listen to Him, and Him alone, I will be happy and joyful despite the twists and turns that He may have put in my life's trail. Notice I didn't say that if I listen to Him alone my life will be problem-free, because that just isn't what happens. This world is full of problems and we will have to go through times of trouble, but He is with us every step of the way. He will NOT give us more than we can bear. He does not work like that. God is good in every sense of the word. He's more than good (at least in our human understanding of that word) - He is LOVE. He is simply unfathomable, unconditional love.

Now, some of the people I meet here are seem more interested in being sick than getting well. I think it's because they have usually been sick for as long as they can remember and they aren't sure what their lives will be like "after" - it sounds strange, but all change is hard. Even change that sounds like it should be so very positive. People just get used to their version of "normal". You don't know how much my heart hurts for them. I can't imagine being in that mindset, but like I said, these infections often make a lot of changes to your brain. I pray for them, I try to show them that just because you're sick doesn't mean that you can't laugh or have joy in your life. Yet, sometimes those people don't want to hear about joy because they are too fixated on the pain, the physical struggles of being ill. I can understand that in some ways because you do have to work to get past your pain. You have to consciously work to be positive in this place - you have to want to get well in order to get well. It's just that simple.

So, there are some people who I just can't reach, or at least at the moment I feel that I am failing at reaching them. God has work left to do in them before He can use me to explain how happiness is not some unattainable goal for the chronically ill. I want to share this message and I want to see it change lives. However, God is telling me that while I may be granted the gift of seeing some people's attitudes change, He also says I may only get to plant the seed, I may never see it grow into a fruitful tree. But I like to think I am planting as many seeds as possible while I'm here.

I also feel like God is trying to teach me that I am not always supposed plant these seeds with words. God is also teaching me about silence. About my being silent when often times I would just keep on talking. I'm trying to learn how to be silent so that I may better hear His words and His will for me. In the book I seem to quote all the time "100 Days In The Secret Place" I found this writing from the 1600s:

"God is your true friend and will always give you the counsel and comfort you need. Do not resist Him! Learn to listen to Him in silence so that you won't miss a word of what He says to you. You know a lot about outward silence, but little about inward silence. You must practice quieting your restless imagination. Stop listening to your unrenewed mind and the kind of logic it has! Get used to coming to God and asking Him for help when He asks you for something you are afraid to give." Archbishop Fenelon of France

So, some days I try to just be quiet and still and feel His presence. I know this experience isn't just a time for me to regain a healthy body, it's a time for me to regain a healthy mind and learn how to trust God with every ounce of my being. I've said many times that I had to be stripped of so many things before I was able to truly listen to God and understand how important it was to develop a much deeper relationship with Him. He's using this process to "cleanse my soul" as described by Michael Molinos in his writings from the 1600s (also quoted from the book "100 Days In The Secret Place"):

"There are two ways for the soul to be cleansed. The first is through affliction, anguish, distress, and inward torment. The second is through the fire of a burning love, a love impatient and hungry.
It is true that sometimes the Lord uses both of these ways to deal with our souls. ALL revelation and insight into God, all true experiential knowledge of God, ARISES FROM SUFFERING, which is the truest proof of love.
Oh, how I hope and wish for you that you can understand the great good that comes from tribulation. Tribulation cleanses the soul. The cleansing of the soul through tribulation is what produces patience.
Within tribulation can come inflamed prayer.
In the midst of tribulation we can exercise the most sublime acts of love and charity. To rejoice in the midst of tribulation brings us near to God. It is tribulation which annihilates and refines. It is that which takes the earthen and transforms it to the heavenly. Out of the human it brings forth the divine...transforming one and bringing it to the other, uniting them with the Lord.
Oh Christian, if you would know how to be CONSTANT in the fire of tribulation and QUIET in the first of tribulation, to be washed with the waters of affliction, then you would discover just how soon divine goodness would make its throne in your soul. There, in that good habitation, God would be able to refresh and solace Himself." - Michael Molinos

So you see, even if I cannot see past the pain some days, I can at least see what God is teaching me through the pain. I can see how the pain and suffering will help me better understand others' pain and like Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

I'm trying to use this time to learn as much as possible about myself, about dealing with others who are suffering, and most importantly, about trying to spread God's love and joy to everyone I come across. Some days I fail miserably and I go home feeling sad because I spoke without first asking God to speak through me, or I allowed my own "bad day" to cross over to someone else's day which just spreads the "blahs" around to others. However, God is teaching me every day how to lean on Him for words, deeds and definitely for attitude. I strive to show God's love through my words, my actions, and hopefully even through my attitude.

"But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen." 2 Peter 3:18

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" Matthew 19:26

Thank you all again for reading my ramblings and most of all for continuing to keep me in your prayers. I hope to get well so I can go around and tell people about the amazing ways God used His people and their prayers to heal me. I hope you all have wonderful weekends!

Much love-
K

All in His timing...

First I want to thank everyone who prayed about my doctor's appointment yesterday. I know God was with me during the appointment. I know He helped me voice my questions and understand the answers I received. Overall it was a good appointment because God gave me a sense of peace about my situation.

The doctor and I discussed the seizure I had last week and she said that it was not a myoclonic seizure (the type I have had before when I was low in magnesium). When I wrote about my seizure on here honestly I was still "out of it" mentally. It took a few days and talking with my husband (and some of the nurses who were there during the seizure)to fully understand what had gone on. I had written that it lasted about 20 minutes. Apparently I was wrong. I did lose consciousness a few times during the episode but not for long periods of time. I did have a "generalized seizure" which I believe just means a seizure that is caused by something other than epilepsy. It was a "grand mal" which is where your entire body is involved - that would explain my arching my back and repeatedly slapping it onto the tile floor. I didn't really feel "like myself" again until Monday or Tuesday.

M and I talked it over and we both felt that the main cause was a extremely bad reaction to a new medication that I started almost exactly 48 hours before the seizure. I had told him before my afternoon treatment session on Friday that my "brain felt weird" and that I was "feeling crazy" and something "was seriously wrong in my brain". The oddest thing to me was that as soon as I heard the name of the medication I was changing to I thought, "I don't want to take this." Then, every time I had to take it (which was 3 times a day) I thought, "I really don't want to take this pill." I even said as much to M a few times. I've never felt that way about a medication before. I feel God was with me and was trying to give me a sense of urgency about telling the nurses what was going on that very day since it was Friday and both the doctor and nurse practitioner were in the clinic. I talked to the nurse and then I believe it was about 20 minutes later that the seizure started. I thank God I was actually at the clinic in treatment when it happened.

In my appointment yesterday the doctor agreed that the medication was most likely the cause of the severity of the seizure and likely why I had it in the first place. However, I also found out that more biofilm has broken up (YAY for that) and that it has let loose another strain of Influenza A & B (BOO for that). I was told that people like me whose immune systems are shot are more "vulnerable" to actually having seizures when they have active flu because the flu attacks our brains in a way. It's not like how most people get the flu and have fever and feel like death for 4-5 days so don't think that the next time you or your children have the flu that a seizure is just waiting to happen!!! I'd hate to scare anyone like that!

Another reason this seizure could have happened is that my brain is trying to function again. I wrote back in June about my brain spect scan that showed I was basically getting no blood or oxygen to certain areas of my brain (temporal lobes, anterior lobes and frontal lobes were all affected to varrying degrees). The Heparin (blood thinner/anti-coagulant) has helped that immensely which has led to me being able to speak without stuttering and has helped my heart to beat more normally. So, the good news is that my brain is trying to work properly again. The bad news is that as this happens it can cause some of the messages to "misfire" because it's been a long time since these areas have had a lot of activity going on. Basically, my brain is trying to fire messages across the synapses but at times it won't happen properly and it will be like a fuse blew out in the circuit board of my brain. This can cause seizures as well. But, knowing that the seizure might actually be showing me some progress in my brain activity makes me feel better about having it! Since we can't be certain that it was only the medication causing the seizure we will stay on the anti-seizure drug and that's fine by me. I take it at night and it's helped me to sleep better than I have in awhile! I need all the sleep I can get in order to physically handle what these treatments do to my body so I'm all for more sleep!

We also found out that I am still low in my overall blood levels (but just by 0.5 instead of 6 like it was after the emergency surgery) and this means I'm also low in my red blood cells. We believe it's still low because my left ovary is having a hard time learning how to function on its own and therefore I've had 5 menstrual cycles in 7 weeks. If this problem is still going on after next week (which will be 2 months since the surgery) then I will go back to the ob-gyn to see if we can do something to keep me from losing so much blood. So sorry if that's TMI for you, but hey, I don't sugar coat this stuff...haha.

The doctor and I also discussed how hard treatment is on my body and that it isn't something that can be rushed. As one friend who has gone through this same treatment put it "having x number of IV treatment sessions doesn't equal out to only have x number of IV treatment sessions left to go" - which is hard to fathom because you want so badly to have some way of knowing when you will be done with the IV treatments! But the doctor has told me that even once I am home I will still be "in treatment" because I will still be on oral antibiotics and supplements for another year or two afterwards. All of that made me realize there's no need for me to try and push my body or rush this because no matter how fast I'm done with the IVs, I've still got a long way to go after that. With all of that being said the doctor brought up the idea of me picking one day a week where I only did the afternoon treatment session and allowed my body to sleep in. I don't think I want to take that step yet, but don't worry, I'm not making any decisions about it quickly. I'm going to see how I feel over the next week or so before letting them know what I want to do. I do know that I am trying to figure out the difference between effective treatment versus treatment that is just too much for my tired body.

I don't just get IV antibiotics, I also take 2 different antibiotics in pill form and of course I have my weekly Bicillin shots which equals 4 different antibiotics total. We've decided to stop the weekly Bicillin shots for now and we're going to decide over the next week or so if I should stop one of the orals so that my body would only be dealing with 2. I am hoping to be able to stay on both orals though because when that biofilm breaks down all sorts of things come out. You all know there are some antibiotics that are best for sinus infections, some work best for pneumonia, etc., etc. Well, by being on 3 different ones I am better able to fight and kill off whatever might be popping out of the biofilm.

I am happy to know that I am making some progress although it is at a much slower pace than I want. I am beginning to understand that God's plan may very well include my healing, but it will be in His perfect timing and not my own. The doctor and I already know that I won't be coming home for Thanksgiving because it's too risky for my immune system. While I hate to miss out on seeing my family and friends - not to mention just getting to sleep in my own bed and be in my own home, I know this is the best thing for my health. I know God can work miracles and I believe I see many of them every day, so I know that things could be much better by then. BUT...I just have a feeling that I will be here awhile - maybe it's more that I have a feeling that God's plan includes me being here for longer than I had thought or hoped.

No matter the length of time, I know God's plan is the best. God is good and He has plans for my life that I cannot even begin to fathom with my finite mind. I know that this is a very hard time for me - physically of course - but I think it is supposed to be a time of growth for me mentally and spiritually. I think after all of this is over, I will look back to this time period in my life - this time spent in treatment - as a time that I learned what strength really was as well as understanding that weakness isn't what we all take that word to mean these days. I should show all my weaknesses because it is through my weaknesses that God can show His mighty strength. Knowing that I am so weak, knowing that there is no way I could do this on my own, letting you all know that I am no superhero or even anything close to that - it allows both me and you to see who is really keeping me going, who is really carrying me when I am too weak to even stand - and we all know that is God. It is His strength I cling to, it is His plan I want to follow, it is His will that I want to heed. I love my doctor out here, but I know who gets credit for my healing and it is God, the Great Physician.

Wanted to share the lyrics to this beautiful song by Ginny Owens. A friend in treatment shared this song & once I heard it I thought when I have those "Why me? Why now? Why is this happening, Lord?" days or moments, this song is a beautiful reminder of His perfect plan. We don't always get to see the "whys" but that doesn't mean we shouldn't follow where He leads us because God is good and He loves His children and while He never says we will have an easy life, He does promise to always be there. So this song seemed like a good ending point to this terribly long entry:

If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

CHORUS:
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to.

I need prayers

I meet with my IV doctor at 2:00 pm today (Central time) and I need prayers before going into that meeting. I've been worried that they are pushing my body a little too hard with the meds and of course, trying to be the compliant patient, I have not said anything yet. I hate to complain at all because I feel like God led me here and I want to do whatever it takes to get well. However, after that seizure Friday I had to think a lot. I'm glad M was here with me because he made me see that things a little clearer. It's hard to be on treatment and your brain feels like mush - jello brain is what one friend calls is & I agree. Sometimes it's just hard to know what feelings are coming from the medications, what feelings are coming from the illnesses themselves, what feelings are coming from me & then, and much more importantly, how to wade through all of that to get to what God is trying to tell me.

Please pray that I have discernment during this meeting & I feel God's presence with me. I am going to have to be a little confrontational and that's hard for me to do with authority figures. I need God's help so much. I pray that He speaks for me - that He gives me the words to say and that He gives my doctor the ears to listen. I'm trying to make sure that I'm not just feeling "antsy" to get home because that should not factor into my decision. I may have to be here for a long while in order to regain my health. I just pray that whatever God has in mind for me, whatever HIS will is, that I will recognize it and follow it immediately.

Thank you so much for all your prayers. I couldn't get through this without all of you being so supportive and I'm amazed at what God is doing for me by sending you all into my life.

Much love-
Karen

Even during a seizure, God is with me.

Just a quick update because I had some crazy stuff happen in the last few days and want some prayers going up for me to get good sleep and allow my body to rest and heal from all the chaotic events! I had seizure in treatment yesterday. They referred to it as a myoclonic seizure, but by definition those don't normally involve your entire body. I feel to the floor and did not completely lose conciousness, although some of the events I can't recall clearly. For anyone who knows much about seizures I had more of a "tonic-clonic" generalized seizure. It lasted for a pretty long time (well, as long in seizure time - like 20+ minutes maybe?).

I had a medication change on Wednesday and had been weaning off of my Valium and Ativan because the new med was a replacement for those. I had an odd feeling about the new drug from the very beginning and after only 48 hours on the drug I knew I needed to tell the nurse what it was doing to me. I didn't feel like myself at all - having crazy thoughts, crying uncontrollably, feeling anxious, etc. But the main symptom I should have paid attention to was the stabbing headache behind my right eye. The nurses could see the vein on the side of my nose (near the corner of your eye) was bulging out & pulsating. This headache lasted 12 hours and I tried ice packs and everything but no real relief. Oddly enough, the headache was gone after the seizure.

God was with me the whole time. I had the seizure DURING my afternoon treatment so I was at the clinic with plenty of nurses around. I knew what was going on - I have had these before, although they never lasted as long and weren't quite as severe. I prayed out loud & said, "Thank you God for allowing this to happen here at the clinic. Thank you God for these sweet nurses who are taking such good care of me. Thank you God for not allowing M to have to see this and definitely for not allowing it to occur at the apartment when we were alone. Thank you God for being with me RIGHT NOW and allowing me to know and feel your presence. I know you will not give me more than I can bear - I know that I will come through this and I thank you for always being with me and watching over me." Those were the only words I was able to say clearly without slurring or stuttering.

The reason for the seizure is a mixture of things - 1) the new medication did not react well in my central nervous system 2) getting off of the Ativan & Valium was a bad move since those are used as "anti-seizure meds" in some patients and 3) I am extremely deficient in Magnesium which can cause muscle spasms that lead to seizures. The good news is that I was not scared and that I was more concerned with the patients who were having to watch it happen. You don't have pain during the seizure but the muscle contractions can cause you to make horrible sounding grunting noises. After the seizure you are very sore from the muscles contracting so severely. I honestly looked like a fish out of water with my head trying to go back and my feet and legs trying to go back - I was arching my back and had no control over any of my movements. I think it is much harder to watch someone have a seizure than to actually be the one having it. At least in this instance because I knew what was happening and I was not scared - I knew I just had to ride it out. And that's what I did - along with the help of some IV meds!

Today I went to morning treatment and the nurses were surprised I made it because with the IV drugs they had to administer plus the exhaustion that comes from having the seizure itself, I really should have gone home & slept for hours on end. However, my central nervous system was so keyed up that I only slept for a few hours. I received injections of Ativan during treatments today instead of taking it orally just to make sure I got the right amount of the drug into my system. I still came home and couldn't even nap. I have yet to sleep more than 5 hours total since this happened (which was around 4:45 or so yesterday afternoon).

The new drug was discontinued and I was put on a anti-seizure medication that also helps with nerve pain and muscle spasms. I read all about it and feel like it could really make a difference in my getting a good night's rest. We also started me back on the Ativan and Valium just like I had been taking. There was no way for the doctor to know I would react to the new medication like this - it seriously happens to less than 0.5 percent of the people who take it.

Okay...I've written a lot more than I meant too - need to get off this computer because it can stir up my central nervous system too. I have more to say about what all occured and how God was so very present with me during this episode. But, for now, I need to see if I can actually sleep some.

Much love to you all!
K

The truth of the matter...

I know I have been slow in posting on here lately. Really I think I've been slow in just about everything. I decided to wait until next week to start the Babesia treatment because my body is a little pushed right now. I had blood drawn today and hope to find out that I have finally kicked Influenza A's butt after 3 months of it being active & 3 months of expensive flu medication!!! However, my next appt. with the IV doc isn't until Saturday of next week.

I have come to realize that I have no clue what "good" feels like. The nurses will ask me if I am feeling better & I think, "Well, the Heparin has helped me greatly in my ability to talk and get blood/oxygen to my brain, but really that's the only change for now." Then I hear myself say, "I'm doing okay." But yesterday I finally had to admit that I am NOT doing okay. My cardiac issues are coming back for some reason. Heparin (the blood thinner/anti-coagulant) had helped a lot and I hadn't been noticing my heart beating as hard or fast. I was able to stand up for longer periods of time without my blood pressue bottoming out & fainting. I was feeling almost normal as far as my heart was concerned. Then things started to change & I really didn't want to acknowledge the change. Well, that and honestly, I've been living with cardiac issues for so long that when they do "reappear" or get worse, I don't notice it as much (or maybe I should say as quickly) as someone who had never had heart problems might.

The PICC line I have in my arm is threaded up my vein and ends at the top of my heart. Over the past 2-3 weeks I've noticed that when my IV drip is slowed down or if it is made to drip at a faster rate, my heart hurts. I feel the beat change and I have had a lot more "skipped beats" where it feels like my heart stops for a few seconds and then it beats hard & fast to catch back up into a rhythm. I had wondered why some days it seemed like my veins were just sucking up the IV antibiotics really fast even though they were dripping slow. Turns out that was when my heart would jump/race/beat fast and it caused the pace of the fluids coming in to change.

Honestly, I hate this more than anything because my heart issues are really the scariest of my Lyme symptoms. My doctor knows this and that's why everyone else in the clinic who is on IV Doxycycline is able to be on a 1.5 hour bag while I have to be on a 2 hour bag. I'm not getting more of the antibiotic, I'm being given it at a slower rate due to my heart problems. I may have explained this but the Babesia can cause "air hunger" or the feeling that something is constricting your chest or sitting on it. If any of you have had a bad case of pneumonia or bronchitis you might know what I mean by that description. However, I finally had to admit that my heart was back to its former ways - it races when I stand, walk, and sadly when I talk or laugh. I took my pulse meter with me to treatment to make sure the numbers were what I thought they were. Sure enough walking to my treatment chair got my heart up to 136 beats per minute. If I leaned back in my chair and was quiet it would go back to around 90. If I tried to talk or giggle it would shoot back up into the 120s - 130s. So I wrote a note to the doctor today to let them know what was going on.

I feel like I try to focus on the positive changes that have taken place and ignore the pesky troublesome symptoms that creep up or haven't left at all yet. But when I came home from treatment my heart actually hurt and I was exhausted. Whenever my heart rate fluctuates a lot (sometimes in the 40s/50s then going into the 140s or so) it makes my body feel like I have been in a relay race - running really fast until I pass the baton to someone else & stop running. I am hoping to hear from the doctor tomorrow about what we could do to help with these symptoms. But I had the hardest time admitting that they were back. If you want to know why it's because I want so much to get better - even if it takes longer than I anticipated - I want to write about every small improvement. I feel like I have this HUGE cheering section of family and friends (and friends of friends & sometimes people I don't even know) and they (or you as you're the one reading this) have been praying so hard for me that I hate to say, "Well guys, here's another set back." That's so terribly stupid, but the human brain isn't very rational - or at least mine isn't.

I don't pray to regain my health anymore. That might sound odd, but I really try to pray for God's will. His will may very well be for me to finally know what it feels like to live the life of a healthy person, but as I give more and more of myself to Him I also must acknowledge that I don't know what His plans are for me. I trust only in the fact that God is good and He is working in me for some reason with some plan that I don't have to fully understand to participate in. I want to make sure that I am obedient to His will and that I praise Him and spread His word and love to others. I feel like He sent me here to get treatment but I've felt that this has always been more about reaching others and hopefully bringing them closer to God than it has been about my own personal health. Maybe that makes sense to you, maybe it doesn't. I'll say it this way: I WANT to get better and go home and be able to be a healthy wife and hopefully one day a healthy mother. I WANT this to happen as quickly as possible. I WANT all of this to have a fairy tale type of happy ending. But I am learning that I don't live for what I WANT - I am trying to live for what GOD WANTS. His plan may very well be that I get all of those things that I want, but I pray simply that HIS WILL be done instead of praying for MY WANTS. He already knows my heart's desires, I don't need to list them off as though making a list for Santa Claus. I think that might be the best way to describe how I pray now - just for His will to be done.

The other day I was reading I & II Corinthians and so much of what Paul writes in those books seems to jump off the page and into my soul:

Like in I Corinthians 2:9 Paul writes (he is speaking of verses from Isaiah here), "However, it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him'."

Later, in II Corinthians 4:7-10 Paul writes, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

Then I read on in II Corinthians 12:7-10 and am always amazed by what Paul says here, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, as messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

People sometimes write me emails or send me cards saying they are amazed by how I am handling all of this. I almost laugh because it is so obvious to me that I am not the one handling it AT ALL! If I were handling this, I would have already turned tail and run!!! Any strength you see in me is only from God, any grace you see through me is only from God. I personally possess nothing that makes me particularly well equipped to deal with all of this. I am weak and I still pitch fits and I groan to God often. Anything that makes you think I'm dealing with all of this amazing well is not from me at all - it is ONLY from God. I wish I had the strength of Paul - I aspire to have that strong of a faith one day, but for now there's still part of me that wants to beg God to remove this "thorn from my flesh". God is also the reason I keep going when I sometimes cry to stop, He is why I push my body further than I want to push. He is every good thing you might think you see in me. I am still learning and I have so much left to learn. What I have learned to be so very true is that God will give you enough of whatever you need to get through that day if you pray for His help. I have learned that I cannot worry about tomorrow because it won't do me any good. I've always been a "worrier" but I am trying to hand that over to God too. He is showing me that by the end of each day I may feel crushed, beaten down, exhausted, and drained physically, mentally and emotionally but He continues to give me the strength to get up the next morning and the desire to go and fight the battle again.

So, the truth of the matter is this - I'm a "people pleaser" by nature so I want to only tell you all when the good news comes. I want you to feel encouraged and I want you to read these entries and feel uplifted. I am learning though that I need to tell you all when the bad news comes too. Yesterday I came home to the apartment after treatments and I cried to my mom. I cried because my body is so tired that I couldn't imagine doing one more day of treatments. I cried because I've been here for a little over 3 months and I haven't seen the HUGE STRIDES of progress that I wanted to see by this point. I cried because I had to admit that my heart is acting up again and I wonder really how much more it can take. I cried because I'm human and I'm mad, sad, frustrated, confused, and angry. God knows all of that. He knows I can only take so much. He doesn't expect me to be perfect - thank you, Lord for that because I would fail miserably. I really cried because I allowed myself to think ahead - to the near future. I allowed myself to worry about how long this is really going to take. I allowed myself to worry that 30 years of multiple illnesses which have become chronic infections that are doing some sort of damage to basically every organ system I have may be too far gone to fix. I allowed myself to worry that my body might not be strong enough to fight this battle. I told my mom my scary thought - the one I've been having to face over these past few years - that my own body is fighting AGAINST me. My immune system is shot and confused and it's not fighting the illnesses, it's fighting the medications that are trying to kill off the infections. I allowed myself to say that there may come a time when I decide that this treatment regimen is too tough on my body and that maybe I did not get here in the "nick of time" to regain my health. But those thoughts, my friends, are not from God. Those dark, scary, worrisome thoughts are all about the future and I don't need to worry about the future because God has a plan for me. It doesn't matter that I don't know what it is. I cling to that scripture Paul quoted from Isaiah - I have no idea what God has in store for me. I only know I need to lean more on Him. Then when those dark, scary, worrisome thoughts try to creep into my brain, I need to recognize where they are coming from and hand them right over to God.

It's so hard - all of this is so hard. Treatments are hard both physically and mentally, being away from my husband for weeks at a time is hard, not making huge strides of progress is hard, knowing that I don't have a clue as to what my future holds is hard on me - I'm a planner and I like knowing what's in store. It's all so very hard, but God knows this and He is with me. Some days He feels further away than others, but I know He is always there. He is trying to turn me into the person He wants me to become and that in itself can be a painful process - even without the illnesses. So, the truth of the matter is I am a weak woman with a strong God who is carrying me through this while I weep and cry out to Him.

He wants me to show my weak side. He wants me to let you all know that without Him, I would be utterly and completely lost and without hope. Hope lies in Him and Him alone. My hope rests in His promises and while I may have some really rough days, I never prayed, "Dear God, please grant me health without making me go through some hard days and make it super fast." I prayed simply, "God, I am so sick. Please lead me to where I need to be to get help." That prayer was answered.

Now I am off to bed and I will get to see my sweet M tomorrow and hug his neck and smile with him. I will wake up tomorrow and God will grant me the strength to go on to treatment again because that seems to be where God wants me right now.

Much love to you all!
K

Leaning on Him for ALL things...

So I found out yet again that taking breaks from treatments is worse than treatment itself. It’s really sad though because I get so excited about the thought of sleeping past 6:00 a.m. and for some reason I always think I am going to actually feel like doing something when I’m off. This break was especially bad because of the Babesia. I’ve explained how Babesia makes you angry, irritable, and with a real “short fuse” temper wise. I also already wrote that the doctor is waiting until the 14th to start treating the Babesia so it will be 6 weeks after my surgery so we’ll start Monday.

I realized I needed to be getting some warmer clothes since I know I will be here at least until the end of November. So I felt that I would try and shop on my break. I tried to shop Saturday but left the apartment without my ear plugs OR my MP3 player! This is a big deal because ALL of my senses have “heightened sensitivity”. Basically I can smell things other people can’t, noises seem much louder to me, my vision is so light sensitive that I wear my sunglasses indoors anywhere that has fluorescent lighting. Saturday I made it into 2 stores and the music was so loud and the people talking seemed like screams and there I was with no way to “drown out the noise”. I looked at mom and said, “We HAVE to leave.” My head was killing me! And Babesia can give you bad headaches too so I was just in pain. We went to Michael’s (the arts & crafts store) to get me some paints and a canvas so that I might make something. The doctor thinks even something as small as coloring can soothe the “helpless feeling” you get in treatment. I finally had an easel and a canvas in my cart when I just looked at mom and said, “I’m leaving – I don’t even want any of this.”

I cried when I was in the car. For those who don’t know me well you might not understand this behavior. A lot of people don’t like to shop. They dread it in fact. However, I have always seen shopping as somewhat of a sport. It’s me against the store and I am bound and determined to get the best possible items for the cheapest price! So, I was feeling like having a pity party because it felt like once again this illness was taking something else I once loved to do. I hadn’t really wanted to go shopping because I didn’t feel up to it, but I knew I needed some winter shoes and clothes. To realize that I couldn’t even go to 2 stores before my central nervous system just shut down on me was so hard. I tried to calm down by telling myself that if I physically felt like shopping then I wouldn’t be out here getting IV treatments in the first place! However, that didn’t help much. I just kept feeling like all these infections (Lyme Plus as my doctor calls it) have stripped me of things I love to do and kept me from living my life as I want. The noise sensitivity has kept me from being around all my sweet nieces and nephews and I no longer enjoy the sound of kids playing so I have missed out on a lot with family and a lot with my friends and their children. I cried and I went to bed that night around 6:00 and didn’t even wake up to eat dinner. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and I didn’t want to see the “positive side” of things at the moment.

Sunday I read some more from my “100 Days in the Secret Place” book and realized how much I have left to learn. I don’t know why I think I will ever “know it all” because I’m only human and we all have so much left to learn. I have said I know that God led me here and that God is with me through all of this. But I don’t believe I really understood those statements fully before this weekend. Here’s a section of what I read that seemed to reach down and make me realize how silly I was being:

“The best place to be is where God puts you. Any other place is undesirable because you chose it for yourself. Do not think too much about the future. Worrying about things that haven’t happened yet is unhealthy for you. God Himself will help you, day by day. There is no need to store things up for the future. Don’t you believe that God will take care of you?
A life of faith does two things: Faith helps you see God behind everything that He uses. And faith also keeps you in a place where you are not sure what will happen next. TO have faith you cannot always want to know what is happening or going to happen. God wants you to trust Him alone from minute to minute. The strength He gives you in one minute is not intended to carry you through to the next. Let God take care of His business. Just be faithful to what God asks of you. To depend on God from moment to moment – especially when all is dark and uncertain – is a true dying to your old self. This process is so slow and inward that it is often hidden from you as well as others. When Gods takes something away from you, you can be sure He knows how to replace it. There is a story that when Paul was alone in the desert, a raven brought him half a loaf of bread every day. If Paul’s faith had wavered and he wanted to be sure to have enough, he might have prayed that the raven would bring enough for 2 days. Do you think the raven would have come back at all! Eat in peace what God gives you. “Tomorrow will take care of itself” (see Mt 6:34). The One who feeds you today will surely feed you tomorrow.” – Archbishop Fenelon of France

Now, I read that and realized that there are MANY things I have learned to give over to God, but I was planning on handling my winter clothes myself, thank you very much. It may sound stupid or silly, but when I read that I realized that maybe the reason my shopping trip wasn’t lucrative was because I hadn’t prayed about it. Some of you may think praying for a shopping trip might be silly – and maybe in your situation that’s true. However, I am learning every single day that God is stripping me of all my old ways and wanting to be a part of EVERYTHING I do on a daily basis. He wants me to talk to Him about ALL my thoughts and He wants me to pray to Him for help on ALL my decisions – the small ones & the big ones.

So, I prayed that night. I told a friend in treatment about this prayer and it made her laugh – and it made me laugh after I said the words, but it’s what happened. I told her I prayed, “God, I don’t want ‘cool clothes’, I just need some warm clothes for winter! Can you help me with that?” But we laughed because we knew how true it was that we need help from God with the simplest tasks in order to get them done. However, my prayer was actually more like this, “Dear God – you know how worried I can get. My brain seems to go in search of things to worry about even though I know You will take care of all my provisions. I didn’t come to You before I went on my shopping trip yesterday because I didn’t think about bringing that before you. I’ve never thought that praying about a shopping trip would be something I should do. However, I see now that there is so much I never knew about things you wanted me to do and how you wanted me to do them. God, I am not asking to find ‘cool clothes’ – I just really need to feel like I have some cold weather essentials like long sleeve shirts that have sleeves large enough to come up above my PICC line. I need some sort of hat and scarf because I already have my winter jacket up here. I REALLY need some warm boots that I have no heel and that don’t zip or tie because putting shoes on is hard for my hands and hard for me to bend over to fasten them. I want to be able to slip them on and off easily during treatment. I need some leggings and socks that will keep me warm as well. I have tried very hard to learn to give control of my life over to You. I am constantly trying to not question Your will every step of the way and especially during my setbacks. I don’t know if praying for a shopping trip is even right, but I feel that I have to come to You with all things now. I also am praying because I don’t want to spend a lot of money on these things because medical costs are high enough. Now I know I need to pray to You for the strength to even go shopping and I know I can’t shop for these things over the internet because I wouldn’t be able to tell if the clothes felt soft and comfortable, or if they fit, or if they would work with my PICC line. So I’m praying that You allow me to find some of these things so that I can feel more prepared to stay where You clearly want me to be right now, which is here in Kansas City.”

The next day I packed my ear plugs and my MP3 player. I printed out a map of the mall in Kansas (about 12 miles away) where Mom and I were headed. I even highlighted the 4-5 stores I thought we needed to hit to get what I was looking for. I was a woman on a mission. I knew I only had about 2 hours of energy (if that much) to get this done and then I would collapse and be exhausted. Funny thing about praying to God about even the smallest things is that He does care. He wants you to bring everything before Him. My trip yesterday was a complete success. I got WARM boots with fuzzy lining and they even fit my narrow feet. They slip on and off with no problems and were more than $100 off from their original price. They were also the only pair of boots like that in all of the sale rack & were just my size. I said, “Thank you Lord” and I bought them. Then I found 3 pairs of knee socks on sale and knee socks help keep my legs warm since I have such trouble with my circulation and stay so cold. I also found not 1 but 2 pair of leggings that can be worn alone with oversized sweaters or worn underneath pants almost like long underwear. Those weren’t on sale, but they were still pretty cheap. I found a very soft and large scarf. The kind you can wrap around your neck and down around your shoulders. I will probably even use that during treatment because it felt so good – and it was on a great sale too! I found a hat for cheaper than any of the other hats I had seen. I found 3 long sleeve cotton shirts that I can layer but that all have enough stretch in the sleeves to pull above my PICC line. And I found a really comfortable sweater/coat. It’s long and comes close to my knees and has a hood and buttons up the front. The sleeves are large enough for my PICC line and it is soft and machine washable (no dry cleaning needed here). When I get back to Alabama I could probably use it as a coat!

Now, all of this was done in under 2 hours and I couldn’t for the life of me tell you how that happened except that God showed me where to go to get the things I needed. When we got to the car I looked up and simply said, “Thank you God for allowing me to find things I need for the colder months out here.” Mom smiled and inside I knew that God wasn’t worried about my shopping trip. I think He wanted me to know that He understood my desire to feel prepared. Everything else here has happened so quickly and I’ve been unprepared or ill prepared for it all. I have handed so many things over to Him after struggling about what to do in different situations. I knew that He was allowing me to have a peaceful feeling about being here longer than I had planned and I know He wanted me to realize yet again, that I must come to Him for EVERYTHING!

That example is just one of many. God provides for us. God loves us. God cares about the cares of our heart and wants us to know that we may count on Him for ALL things. So I will not worry about tomorrow and starting the antioxidant IVs. I will not worry about next week and starting the difficult treatment for Babesia. I trust God will be with me every step of the way and I know that while I may be scared for a moment, I will remember and feel His presence and in His presence fear slips away like a thief in the night.

Now I will close yet another lengthy entry with a few quotes:

“Why would God promise a refuge unless He knew we would need a place to hide once in a while?” Neva Coyle

“Trials may come in abundance. But they cannot penetrate into the sanctuary of the soul when it is settled in God, and we may dwell in perfect peace.” Hannah Whitall Smith

“The Lord alone shall be exalted” Isaiah 2:11 (KJV)

Thank you Lord for allowing us to cast all our cares upon You and for allowing us to feel Your love and comfort when we seem so lost. I trust in You for everything and will try harder each day to give every single worry over to You. I have no need for worries. They will only hamper my progress. You ask that I hand them all to You and so this is my goal, to follow what You want me to do. Thank you for giving me signs (both big and small) throughout this journey as I continue to fight these battles for my health. Thank you for blessing me with treatment friends who understand that a successful shopping trip is like a miracle in itself. Thank you for all the many people out there praying for me and I pray that they too feel Your love and comfort every day.

I’m also praying right now for a very close friend whose Grandmother is ill and who is on her way to see You. She has said she is ready to “come home” and I know Heaven will rejoice when she arrives. I pray for the family left behind on earth who will miss her because she is such a loving and wonderful woman. I pray that they envision her getting to Heaven and seeing her husband (who passed years ago) smiling with excitement to be reunited with her. That’s how I picture her – smiling and laughing and just so happy to be with her Lord and Savior and with all those who passed before her.

Much love to you all!

The good news and the bad news...

I had my appointment this evening with my IV doctor. I knew that with all the set backs I have had (kidney stones, emergency surgery, etc.) that we had not been able to make the progress we had originally hoped for back in early June. Back then the plan was to treat me with the IVs for 3 and 1/2 months, then re-test and see if my body was making progress and if I was knocking out all these chronic infections. We knew that the plans would change, I mean, you can't predict how your body will react to treatment. Plus, they think a lot of these infections have been living in my body for 30 years hiding in that sneaky biofilm. Had ANY doctor in Alabama ever been able to properly diagnose me with - much less treat me for - all these infections (Lyme, Bartonella, Influenza A, Whooping Cough, Chronic Mono, Chronic Strep, etc.) then I could have started treatment years ago. However, that makes no difference because it didn't happen. So, my whole body has been getting worse each and every year. Had I not gotten here when I did, who knows, my heart may have just given out because it was having to work so hard and it was wearing itself out.

Good news is that treatment is working and I am breaking down the biofilm in my blood that allows all these nasty things to hide out in. As the biofilm breaks down we knew there may be more infections that would come out. Basically my blood tests had been negative for a lot of things because the infections were protected by that biofilm.

Bad news is that after 5 or 6 tests for Babesia that all came back negative, we finally broke down the biofilm enough so that my most recent test was positive for Babesia & it came out fighting mad. Babesia is rough. It can make you feel extremely angry, upset, anxious, nervous, etc. and it causes a lot of bone pain (which I have been having for a long time but they couldn't figure out why). The bad news is that no medications work on these symptoms - Valium and Ativan won't help me feel less anxious because they don't work on Babesia. Narcotic pain killers won't stop the bone pain either. You just have to kill off the Babesia in order to get rid of the symptoms. The treatment is hard because of the medication for it has to be taken twice a day but spaced 12 hours apart & you can't take it within 1 hour of ANY other medications (other prescriptions, supplements), not even IV meds. So we'll have to find a way to fit that in somewhere. We won't be treating it for another 2 weeks though because the doctor wanted to wait a full 6 weeks from my surgery before we push my body any further.

Now, here is the part I expected all along, but had hoped wouldn't happen. Normally I would be getting all those re-tests done in a couple of weeks since I will have been in treatment a little over 3 months by then. However, there's no point in doing those tests then because we haven't been able to get enough of the meds in me to really make a big difference. The tests cost money and many aren't always by insurance so I'm glad the doctor realizes we don't want to waste money on tests if they know the tests won't show much change. Bad news is my new date for re-testing is now mid-November. So, another 2 months in Kansas City doing IVs and taking pills.

I wish I could tell you that I truly believed that the tests in November would show amazing progress and I would be home by early December. But, I know my body pretty well and while I KNOW that with God anything is possible, I also know how sick I am and how difficult it has been to treat me because these "bugs" have made a stronghold inside my body. I know God is with me now - I know He has great things in store for me - and I know I trust His plan. I don't like the idea of staying up here for a long time, but I do like the idea of regaining my health. God lead M & I here, to Kansas City, to this doctor so that I could be healed. So, I can't complain if I don't think God's working fast enough!!! We prayed dilligently about all of this and tried to follow where God was leading us and we trust that He will lead me back home in His perfect timing. He will get me back to my sweet husband, family and friends and when He does, I bet I feel better than I have in YEARS!

Oh, I still have the flu. I am knocking the numbers down though. For Influenza A to be considered "active" the ratio has to be higher than 1:8. Originally I was 1:64 and after 5 rounds of Relenza I am now 1:32!!! Also, my blood levels are ALMOST normal. I'm 11.1 as of last Tuesday and the normal range starts at 12. Remember that just 4 weeks ago post surgery I was dangerously close to getting down in the 6's so this is a BIG deal.

Other good news is that my electrolytes are back to normal, my potassium and my Vitamin D are both normal now, and I think she said my B-12 is normal now too. This means things are working. Treatment IS working - it just can't be rushed. Oh and I am going to try taking the IV antioxidants again on the 9th. They took me off of them after the first week due to nausea but I am hoping that I can handle them now. They are like supplements and can help me strengthen my immune system to fight even better.

I'll write more later when I've wrapped my brain around all of this more. I recorded the session with the doctor and will have to listen to it tomorrow to make sure I understood it all. I had been really hoping to not have to deal with Babesia so after I found out I had it, well, I think I zoned out a little for the remainder of the meeting just trying to focus on what the next step would be.

I love you all and I ask you to please pray for my mental strength as well as my physical strength. I had an episode this weekend where I felt such rage and anger and I knew there was no logical reason for me to feel that way. It scared me though because even though I knew it wasn't logical, I also couldn't seem to control it. Turns out that was the Babesia rearing its ugly head. So I pray that God keeps me from acting on these feelings and that He keeps my bone pain from getting any worse. I know I can handle this - I am a fighter & with God fighting my battles, there's no way I can lose.

I'll close with the sweet scripture verse my friend Christy sent to me today:

"The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness." Psalm 41:3

No news is good news, right?

I know I haven't written in a while and it seems some people start to worry about me if I'm not running my mouth (aka typing too much)! Things have been much better this week. I did start back on the Bicillin shots Friday and the flu just won't go away so mix the two together & I've been really tired and irritable. Yet, for some reason I have been unable to really sleep. I'm in a mental holding pattern for now I think. Trying to keep from allowing these physical circumstances control over my emotions and my feelings.

It was very hard to watch M leave this time. I think this was the first time that we got to have a really good visit and so of course it seemed to fly by too fast. But again, I am truly blessed to have mom here cooking, and more importantly just loving on me.

I can't really explain how hard treatment is to people who haven't been through it. The IV antibiotics are hard on your body and that's good really because I want to knock all this mess out of me as fast as possible. However, I'm so tired that I feel like the walking dead. I've been a little down in the dumps this weekend. The Bicillin shots can make me a bit depressed & weepy - don't know why but I've had other people tell me they had similar reactions so at least I don't feel alone! I know that "down feeling" will leave, but I want it gone NOW because it makes it hard to want to go through treatments.

Okay - no more of this talk. It's time to "buck up" or "man up" or whatever people say when they really mean, "Suck it up & get over it!". I simply wanted everyone to know that my lack of entries weren't due to me feeling physically bad. I usually only write when 1 of 2 things happen. First, if I get some medical news and want to share that and let you all know what's going on with me physically. But mainly I write when I feel God's leading me to do so. I haven't felt a push from Him to share anything or post anything, but I did want everyone to know that my absence of entries doesn't mean anything bad nor does it mean I'm feeling worse mentally or physically.

Mom & I meet with the IV doctor again late Tuesday so I'm hoping we have some good news to share after that. I've started back on the few supplements slowly and had no troubles last week from any of them - YAY! Last night I started back on the oral antibiotic, Cipro, and so far so good. If I feel like I do really well with the Cipro for the first 3 nights then I might ask her if I can add any others during this week. I already have 3-4 to start next Saturday if things go well with the Cipro, but I am ready to get back on the horse!!!

God has made me see that I cannot rush this process. Literally I cannot push my body or my body will push back & it pushes back way too hard - usually landing me in the E.R. So, pray for me to have more patience. I want to get well fast, but it took a long time for me to get this sick so I know I can't expect to get well overnight! I'm trying to keep handing over my life - all of it - my successes and my failures - to God to allow Him to show me what He wants me to do. Right now I think He just wants me to work on healing and then when He's ready, He'll make it VERY clear what He wants me to work on next. For now, I just pray to keep my spirits lifted knowing that He is holding me up when I feel too weak to push on. He is leading me through this valley and I know if I continue to follow Him, I will end up somewhere beautiful.

I also know that these "rough times" are actually times God uses to purify my soul. I found a quote in that book "100 Days In The Secret Place" that describes how to deal with hard circumstances:

"Your Lord desires to purify your soul, and He can use a very rough file. Yes, He may even assault the purer and nobler things of your life! These assaults serve as a revelation to awaken the human soul...for the soul to truly discover, to truly know just how miserable is its natural state. And, if you seek spiritual counsel from someone during such times, it is possible that you may receive some help...but you would be very wise not to expect help. Deep within you is a place of internal peace, and if you are to come through these periods and if you are not to lose that peace it is necessary for you to believe. You must believe in the fineness of Divine mercy...even when that mercy humbles, afflicts and tries you. how happy you will be if you will simply be quiet before the Lord! Even if these times are caused by the devil, you are nonetheless in the sovereign hand of God, and these things will turn our for your gain and spiritual profit." - from the writings of Michael Molinos in the 1600s

I may feel that God is using a rough file on me right now, but in my heart I know He files as gently as possible to obtain His desired results - purifying my soul. Thank you Lord for reminding me that while sometimes you may feel further away from me, you truly never leave my side. Thank you for all the times you have lifted me up and carried me through circumstances that would have otherwise crushed my spirit. I know you are teaching me so many things right now - patience is just one of them. I continue to cry out to you, God - in both good and bad times. I continue to trust in the plans you have for my life. Thank you for allowing me to see that just because nothing seems to "be happening" this week as far as my health is concerned, that doesn't mean nothing is happening in my soul. Please keep me focused on your will and your ways.

Thank you all for your prayers - they mean more to me than anything. Much love to you all!

It's ALWAYS our choice

When I say it’s always our choice I mean that we, as human beings, get to choose how we act or react to different situations. I know that how we act is very important. However, I think there are times when it’s our “reactions” that reveal more about our true nature. I guess as we get older all people learn to say “the right thing” to others – whether it’s a compliment, or a simple answer like, “Oh I’m fine!” in response to the question, “How are you today?” Whatever we say or do or think – it is always our choice. God gave the animals instincts and He gave us free will. Why am I mentioning this? Because I think we have all gotten caught up in the distractions of this world. ALL of us have at some time or another because it is so very easy to do. However, when we are in that mindset we are really choosing to care much more about what other people think of us instead of caring about GOD thinks of us. This world is dangerous ground, my friends, full of all sorts of things that can pull us away from God and what His plan for our lives might be.

I know this because I lived it. For a long time I was not concerned about God’s plan for me, I was concerned about MY plan for me. So I point no fingers at anyone else because the first finger would be pointed glaringly at me. It wasn’t until everything was stripped away from me – my health, my job, my ability to take care of myself – that I got to see what choices I had been making. I must admit that when God allowed me to see the choices I had made year after year, I was ashamed, humbled, embarrassed, and honestly, I wished I hadn’t had to see all of my “wrong choices”. But God gently showed me how to start retraining my brain so that my decision making skills came not from my brain, but from my soul – where He sent the Holy Spirit to live in me. Now, am I always making the “right decision” these days? NO. I wish I could say differently, but all I can offer is that every day I TRY to make the right decisions and sometimes God allows me to see where I was successful. Yet, before I praise myself too much He also shows me where I could have done some things differently!

Okay, so what does all of this have to do with me in Kansas City and my health situation? Well, everything really. As you all know the emergency surgery I had where my right ovary had to be removed hit me very hard. I have written about how I questioned God about “WHY???” and how I was mad at God. The weeks since the surgery have been a soul searching time for me. I have literally mourned the loss of that ovary – and I think as a 34 year old woman who desperately wants to have children, that is probably what I needed to do – mourn. But what comes after that? When I went back to the clinic for treatments post surgery I was a shell of my former self. I wasn’t laughing or trying to make others laugh, nor was I really paying attention to anything around me. I was going through the motions – I was one of the walking dead – I was so confused as to what God expected of me. How did He think I would handle this loss? How could He expect me to see this as something positive or good? I was an emotional, physical and spiritual wreck. I’ve said before that I get depressed after being put under general anesthesia and it lingers for about 4+ weeks sometimes. I also don’t like being on strong pain medications because while there are times that they are truly a life saver – I feel as though I’m walking through my life in a hazy fog.

So where do I stand now? How do I feel about all of this? Where do I put it in perspective with God’s will for my life? First, I have decided not to go into detail about the horrific treatment I received at the hands of the doctor who was on call & did the surgery. I will only say that I have never been treated so callously nor have I ever seen a doctor look pleased when they responded to a question from a very upset and very scared patient. He caused the situation to be so much more traumatic for me than it would have been otherwise. I have been told by several doctors to write a letter to the board of the hospital detailing my treatment (or lack thereof) by this physician. Some have said to write the state medical board. So far I have drafted no letters. I will say this though. I do not hate that man even though I wanted to for awhile. I don’t particularly like him but I will continue to pray on that. And honestly, if his wife or daughter (if he has either) were ever put in the same situation as I, my greatest prayer would be that they received a much better doctor than I did in my time of need.

I say that much only so you can understand that my experience wasn’t just scary – it actually caused me to have PTSD (or post traumatic stress disorder) and my other doctors saw this. The patient they saw after that surgery was nothing close to the woman they had seen before. I lost a lot of my zest and I lost a lot of the fight I had in me to battle these multiple illnesses I have. Sad thing is, you can’t get well if you just give up. I was there – I was ready to just give up. I didn’t see the point in any of it anymore. I walked around in fear thinking this could just as easily happen to my one remaining ovary. I withdrew from everyone and everything. I was simply a shell of the person I know myself to be.

Then my wonderful husband came into town and said something that touched my heart. He asked me why I was so very worried about all of this – having babies, etc. I probably looked at him like he was a fool, but I said, “Because it’s all I ever wanted.” He replied, “K, God has a plan for our lives and it is a good plan. But we have to trust Him. You don’t need to worry about this right now.” I realized that he was right. What had happened was that I was trusting God with everything in my life – or so I thought. In reality, I trusted Him with everything but I hadn’t trusted Him with my deepest heartfelt desire of becoming a mother. So, I realized that I had to put that at His feet as well. EVERYTHING – ALL OF ME – I have to put that all at His feet. I learned that I was only giving God authority over 95% or so of my life. It doesn’t work that way. I think the devil wanted me to blame God for losing that ovary. But after a lot of prayer and some time with my sweet husband, I came to see that I have no idea how this life of mine will turn out. I do know that I want God to be in control of it because I still find myself making a mess out of simple choices every day.

We met with my IV doc on Thursday and found out that my blood levels are up (in the 10s now and we’re hoping by next week they will be in the 12-15 range which is “normal”). My potassium is back to normal, my protein is back to normal. Basically I got to see on paper that my body is healing from this trauma. God is healing my body from this horrible incident, so why should I worry that He wouldn’t heal my soul? It took a day or two for that to sink in but by yesterday afternoon I finally felt like my old self again. I went to afternoon treatment sessions and I laughed and I made other people laugh and it felt good. I felt like a weight had been lifted and honestly it had – the worry had been removed from my soul. I am healing. It is slow but that’s okay because I have given God reign over my healing. I put my faith in Him.

This morning at treatment I realized that Monday will be 3 weeks since the surgery. I thought that sounded about right. I looked back and realized I had given myself 4-5 days to be in shock afterwards, another 4-5 days to focus on the horrendous pain, and another 4-5 days to mourn the loss of that ovary. I don’t think God has a problem with me mourning for a few days because He knows we need to grieve before we can be joyful again. I am happy to announce that my husband came here Wednesday and he brought a lot of joy with him as he usually does. I love that about him. He makes me laugh every single day. It’s hard not to laugh when he’s around. So, the timing of his visit was perfectly planned – and I know God knew when to send him.

I know I have finally returned to “my version of normal” now though. This morning one of the treatment nurses was commenting on how much better I am moving around. She jokingly said, “Well look at you speed demon! You’re getting around much better!” And my irreverent humor came out again as I said, “They keep on trying to hold me back and they cannot! This time they even stabbed me in the abdomen and stole one of my ovaries and I’m still here – they can’t get rid of me that easily. In fact, I think that right ovary was just weighing me down. I bet you now that it’s gone I’ll be faster than ever! They thought they were slowing me down but they might have just speeded me up!!!” And I laughed about my loss. That’s when I knew God was still right there beside me. Allowing me to process my hurts in my own way and showing me that He will take care of tomorrow if I will only try and make the right choices today. Today the right choice is to show people how to come back from something that hurt you – traumatized you even. You just keep on counting on God to be The Great Physician and you honestly make the CHOICE to realize that everyone has their own “hurts” and no matter how great yours may seem in the moment, there are others who have it so much worse. So, I lost my right ovary. I still have my left one and I can still have a baby if God chooses to bless me with one. Other people have lost so much more and made the choice to move forward in the most positive way possible. The best way to get over your own pain is to try and help others who are in pain. I think that’s why I like to make people laugh during our treatments, it’s my small way of trying to lift their pain for just a moment.

Thank you Lord for being with me constantly and showing me how you wanted me to handle this “hurt” of mine. I pray that you show me how to be a shining light of your love as I keep on pushing through these treatments. I am in awe of how much love you have for all of us “imperfect people” and I pray you help me see people how you see them – with amazing, unconditional love.

I pray for all of you who read this as well and I love you all. I am constantly in awe of the many people that I hear from who are praying for me. I hope you all know that without your prayers I might not have gotten over my “loss” in such a good way. GOD IS SO GOOD – GOD IS SO GOOD – GOD IS SO GOOD, HE’S SO GOOD TO ME. I still love singing that song I learned in Sunday school 30+ years ago because it still rings true.

“I love the Lord because he hears and answers my prayers. Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath!” Psalm 116:1-2 (NLT)

“Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5 (NIV)

I will end this VERY LENGTHY entry with a beautiful quote:

“God comforts. He lays His right hand on the wounded soul…and He says, as if that were the only soul in all the universe: O greatly beloved, fear not: peace be unto thee.” – Amy Carmichael