Conjunction junction...what's your function?

Remember that song from "School House Rocks"? Well, I am using it and changing the title to "Malfunction junction...what's your function?" because I am having some major malfunctions right now.

I did end up in the emergency room last night after 2 days of passing almost straight blood instead of urine. I thought I was dealing with a kidney stone (which would be so typical of me) and that I was just having a lot more blood due to being on Heparin which is a blood thinner or "anticoagulant". After having morphine and some nausea medication pushed into my PICC line they sent me for a CT scan to see where this problematic stone was located. Guess what? They didn't see a problematic stone. I have a small 2 mm sized stone just hanging out in my left kidney but no obstructions or calcifactions/stones anywhere in my right kidney or ureter. That didn't make much sense because my pain was definitely on the right side. The ER doc said I was on too high of a dose of Heparin and that I would need to talk to my doctor about it immediately. He basically scared me & mom to death saying that if I bumped into something or fell down I could walk around with internal bleeding and not know it. He gave me a copy of the blood work up and the CT scan report to give to my doctor this morning.

I didn't sleep much last night. Most people fall asleep after being given IV morphine and especially IV Phenergan - not me. They seem to keep me awake. Mom was astounded (and I think the ER doc was a little concerned) that in one day I had 4 mgs of Ativan and 15 mgs of Valium in pill form then 200 mgs of Benadryl, 25 mgs of Phenergan and two good doses of morphine all shot into my PICC line and I was walking around, talking, and even giving mom directions on how to get back to the apartment after our 5 hours of ER fun. I must admit, it concerns me too because the pain was never gone, the meds just made it more of a dull pain than a sharp pain.

The test they do to keep an eye on Heparin doses is called an aPTT test and I don't completely understand it. I'm not a doctor but I believe that it shows how long it takes for your blood to coagulate or clot. My doctor at the IV clinic takes my blood once a week and runs that test (along with several other weekly blood work ups) but that test is specifically to keep an eye on how the Heparin is effecting my blood. The ER doc last night ran that test and said most healthy people should have clotting times under 30 seconds. My test last night showed that my blood took over 200 seconds to clot properly and he thought the blood in my urine was caused by a build up of Heparin in my system.

Another reason for my sleepless night was honestly that I was scared. The doctor said I had some blood coming from my uterus as well and that I should return to the ER pronto if it got any darker or I started to see any clots? That part didn't make sense seeing as how he was concerned about my blood NOT clotting, but I've given up thinking I understand how these things work anymore. I went to bed worried that I wouldn't be able to get my morning IV treatments if I was not allowed to have Heparin. I showed up there this morning with copies of the ER blood work & CT scan results and gave them to the nurses to share with my doctor. She immediately said they could do my IV but told the nurses to discontinue the Heparin for now.

Later she came into the treatment room and said that she will be running another aPTT test on me this afternoon. I told her it was odd to me that by this morning there was no blood in my urine but I was still having uterine bleeding. She said that the CT scan showed that I may have had a ruptured ovarian cyst because there was a lot of fluid in my abdomen. She also said she thinks that I probably passed a kidney stone and was unable to see it due to the dark red urine. This made more sense to me than the ER doc's explanation because I don't see how a build up of Heparin that could cause that much blood to pass in my urine would suddenly just stop - which it did around 4 a.m. this morning. Her concern is more about the uterine bleeding now and she has made an "emergency work in appointment" for me to see an OB-GYN tomorrow at noon to figure out what is causing the problem.

I am trying very hard to wrap my brain around all of this. I know God is in control and I understand that I am working with the smartest doctor I've ever met. She told me that she's had patients with aPTT test levels in the 300s who NEVER had blood in their urine so she doesn't think it is the Heparin, but even so she is not one of those arrogant doctors who said, "There's no way that the Heparin is causing this so keep on getting it in your IV." Instead, she said we would stop the Heparin until we could figure out where & why I was bleeding. She knew I was worried and she calmed me down and said we were going to fix it and that it was just one more piece of the puzzle that is my health these days.

I want to be upset about all of this. I want to cry about it. I know a lot of those emotions are coming from the cocktail of heavy drugs I've received in the past 24 hours. I keep reminding myself that God has a plan for my life and that I need to just take each day in stride and not get frustrated over my many "malfunction junctions" but I do wish I knew what their "function" was in all of this. I want so badly to understand why I seem to have to deal with one more problem after another. My body seems to be at war against itself. I feel like as soon as I start to feel like I am making some progress BOOM something else completely unexpected comes up. I want to cry because I feel like just dealing with the months of IV treatments is all I can handle for now. But I'm not crying because I am learning how strong my God is and I feel His strength carrying me through these unexpected additional problems. I know it isn't my own personal strength that is pulling me through because I can feel my desire to fall apart and be a basketcase over all of this. So, this strength is definitely from God. Otherwise I would have packed up my toys, called it a day, and headed to the house already!!!

I am learning yet another important lesson. I looked around the treatment room this morning & my brain kept questioning, "Why are all these other people doing just fine with Heparin? Why can they handle the IV antioxidents? Why are they able to take that Glut push 3 times a week to help oxygen get to their brains? WHY GOD ARE THEY NOT HAVING THE SAME PROBLEMS THAT I AM HAVING?" Well, honestly I don't and probably will never know the answer to those questions. What I'm learning is that it is absolutely futile to ask them. God has a different life plan for every single one of us. I have to stop comparing my life to the lives of others and that really is hard. Yet today God showed me that comparing is really just judgement in disguise isn't it? I'm judging these people because they aren't having the same problems I am. WOW! How self absorbed does that make me? People tell me it's okay to vent and to cry and to complain every now & then and they are right in some respects. We all have a little grieving to do when we are in pain - whether that pain is physical, mental, emotional doesn't matter. But we cannot get bogged down in our grief or we will miss the lessons God is trying to show us. I am ever so slowly learning that I have been judging and feeling sorry for myself for years now. It is only when we stop looking internally and start looking outwardly that we will see how God uses both good and bad times to shape us into who He wants us to become. I wrote in an earlier post about a different outlook on suffering. I wrote about how we all have our own cross to pick up and follow Jesus. Paul spoke about that ever present thorn in his side and decided he would gladly suffer for Christ. Basically, if God felt that Paul was supposed to live the rest of his days with that pain, he would not simply live with that pain, but he would praise God for His wisdom in giving him that pain so that he could learn through it.

Nobody wants a thorn in their side or a cross to bear. But if you look around you I bet you'll start seeing some of these "invisible pains" in the people around you. I know that I am frustrated but when I look around that clinic it no longer matters that I had to be in the ER or that I have some unexplained bleeding. I see others whose physical ailments remind me that I am actually lucky. I'm walking where some of them are not. I'm talking easier while some of them cannot. I'm no longer having those horrible muscle spasms while some of them have full blown uncontrollable seizures almost daily. I will not allow myself to get bogged down focusing on what I don't have because being surrounded by these physical warriors who are fighting daily to just get to where I already am is humbling. So, yes, I have some malfunctions and I don't understand why nor do I understand their purpose. However, I get the feeling that God doesn't feel the need to explain all of that to me in this moment. He is expecting me to cling to Him and allow Him to work through me. I pray that I keep my focus on being positive. I pray that God uses me as He sees fit and places me in the lives of those who might need me or those who I might need to learn from.

I do ask that you pray for me as we try and figure out the source of my bleeding because I do want to regain my health and I want to praise God and give Him the glory for all of it! But I also ask that you pray for every single person I have seen in that clinic. It doesn't matter if you don't know their names - God knows who they are. I ask that you pray for me to have the strength to recognize when I am focusing too much on me and that God will fill me with His spirit so that I can bear my cross with gratitude. I ask that you pray that I look around not in judgement, but in love and that I will be able to see how I might be of help to those around me.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to write this and for reaching me as I type these words. Thank you for allowing me to put my problems in a better perspective so that I can continue to spread your love & your joy to everyone I meet. I know I will fall short, I know I will never be perfect in this life on this earth, but I pray that You use me however You see fit and that these malfunctions only serve to teach me to bend easily to Your will instead of worrying that I won't get to live the life I had planned for myself. The one I had planned might have been an easier road, but I know I would not have learned nearly as much.