One step forward then two steps back...

That's how I feel right now. Any progress I make seems to be negated by another new problem. The culprit this time is still my entire digestive tract and so I feel so weak, but at the same time I am mad because it's causing me to have to back track on my treatment protocol.

Again the following may be TMI so don't say I didn't warn you. It's been a week since I have actually been able to digest food or pills properly and have "regular bathroom visits". There, that wasn't worded too graphically. Anyway, it's gotten to be a big enough problem that the doctor decided today that I am not to take ANY oral medications. That isn't just the 20+ supplements though. It includes my 2 oral antibiotics, the mouth spray that helps keep my cortisol levels normal, the Relenza inhaler to fight off the flu, and the Ativan and Valium. I hate this so much, but I already knew she was going to have to take me off orals and so I didn't take my morning supplements today before treatment. I did take my Ativan and Valium though because they help so much with my anxiety issues. I'm not real sure how well I will do around everyone during afternoon treatment without the help of those prescriptions. I know that if I get too anxious they can give me a shot of Ativan or Valium or maybe put it in my IV so I've decided not to dwell on that part too much.

I'm just feeling low because I want to do all I can to get well and I hate feeling like I'm losing ground instead of gaining. My body has declared war against me and I don't like thinking that it's winning - at least for the moment. However, I also don't want to feel so weak and nauseated all of the time so I understand why this step must be taken. I cannot heal properly if I am too weak or if I lose my appetite and have difficulty with eating anything.

So, while I can still joke about the fact that I am just going to suit up in some adult diapers, I am a bit down today. I feel like I finally got the bleeding under control a couple of weeks ago and had no idea that my body intestines would decide to give me even more trouble than the bleeding!

But I know I am in good hands and I trust in God's plan for my life and for my treatment. I know that I will feel better mentally as soon as I am not feeling so sick and weak too. I just want to feel like I am doing all I can to fight these illnesses and I want to move in a forward direction instead of going backwards. I have to realize that this might not be a "backwards move" though and that God may be using this affliction to help the doctor find out more about what all is going wrong with my entire body. I pray for strength and patience as I wait on God's perfect timing and I know that sometimes we learn more by looking behind us than we do when we try to look ahead. For now I am just going to lean on God to get me through all of this moment by moment.

Please pray that whatever is causing all these problems will be easy for the doctor to figure out and that I will get back on track and headed in the right direction. No, scratch that because that's just what I want. Instead pray that God's will be done in regards to my entire situation. He may take what I see as a frustrating circumstance and use it to teach me important lessons. Lessons about being patient, or about having faith in Him for ALL things, or just about appreciating being in treatments. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'd been complaining about how difficult the IV treatments were and now I can say that honestly, compared to where I am now, they were actually kind of easy!

I hope you are all having good Mondays and I will try and keep you updated as I learn more.

Oh, M is flying back home today and my mom is on her way in now. Pray that they both have safe travels and that God will fill them with the necessary strength and peace needed through this process.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 (NRSV)