Roller coaster days

That's what this whole treatment regimen feels like - just a roller coaster ride. I guess that's life in general, there are good days and bad days. I have had some really bad days this week. They always seem to follow my really good days too. Makes it harder to take the bad days when you feel like you were feeling much better just the day before!

Anyway, my main problem right now is every single organ that has anything to do with my intestinal tract really. From the stomach to the colon I'm just a wreck. This is not news to me, I have always had issues like "nervous stomach" or "spastic colon", etc. However, the problem is that I am having a really hard time absorbing or digesting anything well. Of course I need to be digesting food well so I can feel stronger, but there's more at stake here than just that. I need to be able to get my intestinal tract back in order so I can absorb all of the medications and supplements the doctor has me taking to get me healthy again. Without my "gut" (as my doc calls it) working with me and just working correctly in general, it will take me a lot longer to get well.

This is all under the "TMI" category (as in "too much info") and I know that but it is what it is. Honestly, I have no modesty when it comes to discussing my health because I guess I am just used to these things? Who knows. But if you don't want to get "TMI" then you might want to skip the rest of this paragraph. Basically everything that I was putting in (food, pills, supplements, etc.) was literally RUNNING through my intestines. A lot of pills were even coming out looking just as they did when they went in. It got to the point where those pills looked like the only solid things that were passing through. Everything else was liquid and I was getting dehydrated and feeling VERY weak. I was unable to sleep because I would be woken up by my stomach and have to run to the bathroom. I actually laid on a puppy pad in the bed and sat on one in my treatment chair in case I was unable to make it to the bathroom in time! This went on for 4 days even with the prescription the doc had me on. I said earlier that it was prescription strength fiber, but actually it's more like a "binding agent" and helps to "firm things up". This morning the doctor doubled this dose since it wasn't helping out yet. After my second dose this afternoon I haven't had any more bathroom runs which is WONDERFUL. Now I just have to watch to make sure that my intestines don't do their normal "quick change" where they decide to go from one extreme to another & I find myself "all stopped up". The doc knows that I have had intestinal issues since birth basically and she had already assumed that getting my stomach, colon, intestines, etc. in working order would be our first big hurdle.

Pray that I am able to find and maintain that perfect balance so that all these other medications can do their jobs properly. These stomach issues are only going to delay my overall progress unless I can maintain that balance. The Cipro should be taking care of killing off that Kiebsiella pneumoniae and hopefully that is the main culprit behind all these tummy problems and they will fade away as we take care of that.

But that is why I haven't been updating much. I've felt like death warmed over and been too weak to keep everyone in the loop. Not to worry though, even tummy issues cannot kill my sense of humor. The other day in treatment one of the girls was saying that she was having a bad day & I said something like, "A bad day where things just aren't going your way or more like 'Hey, I'm considering the benefits of adult diapers' kind of bad day?" We all giggled over that until I said the laughter had to stop because laughing could send my tummy into overload and none of us wanted to be party to that!!! But, I really believe it helps to make light of all these rotten things that happen as you go through this treatment. You cannot focus on the bad or you would be depressed all the time. I'll have you all know that I had yet to actually send M to the store for the adult diapers, but my pride was wearing down and if my tummy hadn't started feeling just a bit better this afternoon, who knows - I may have decided to become the spokesmodel for Depends and tried to get them to market their wares to a younger demographic...haha.

This afternoon I read some more of the book I mentioned earlier, "100 Days In The Secret Place" and again God showed me how my "poor pitiful me" attitude about my silly stomach issues was not the way to go. I wanted to quote a couple of things from it that really touched me this afternoon:

"God wishes to make your soul pure. He purifies it by His Wisdom just as a refiner purifies metal in the furnace. Fire is the only thing which can purify gold. Again, the fire that consumes us - utterly - is His highest wisdom. This fire gradually consumes all that is earthly; it takes out all foreign matter and separates these things from the gold." - Jeanne Guyon

That made me see what I was going through in a different light. As though God was having to literally get all of my old self out of me - spiritually and physically - in order to purify me. That might not be it, but it did help me see a really bad situation in a much better light.

The next chapter talked about drawing inward and it addressed letting go of anxiety. It spoke a lot about cultivating silence. I have written before that it is during my quiet times that I feel God working in me. I felt it today as I sat in that treatment chair and again asked God to put my heart and soul in His fire so that He might purify me. The following was at the end of a wonderful chapter but I know you don't have all day to read my blog! Just know I highly recommend this book (it was compiled by Gene Edwards if you want to read it yourself). Anyway, I am sharing this last part which is a prayer written by Fenelon in the late 1600s. Funny how we all think that so many things in the world have changed since those days. I mean, there have been a lot of changes, but the most important thing, how we relate to God, really never changes. The following prayer is a perfect example of that:

Prayer of Surrender:
My God, I want to give myself to you. Give me the courage to do this. My spirit within me sighs after you. Strengthen my will. Take me. If I don't have the strength to give You everything, then draw me by the sweetness of Your love. Lord, who do I belong to, if not to you? What a horror to belong to myself and my passions! Help me to find all my happiness in You, for there is no happiness outside of You.
Why am I afraid to break out of my chains? Do the things of this world mean more to me than You? Am I afraid to give myself to You? What a mistake! It is not even I who would give myself to You, but You who would give Yourself to me. Take my heart.
What joy it is to be with You, to be quiet so that I might hear Your voice! Feed me and teach me out of Your depths. Oh God, You only make me love You. Why should I fear to give You everything and draw close to You? To be left to the world is more frightening than this! Your mercy can overcome any obstacle. I am unworthy of You , but I can become a miracle of Your grace.
- Archbishop Francois de Fenelon

I said that prayer myself as I read it. I know God is good and He has GREAT PLANS - I just don't know what they are or when they will come about. I can only trust in His perfect timing and His perfect love.

Thank you all for reading and praying for me. I appreciate every comment you write or message you send. I am learning so much here - I am learning about all that has been going wrong with me physically and I am also learning how God wants me to use this experience to change for the better spiritually too. I hope you are all well and have wonderful weekends with family and friends! I also pray that you allow God to take over your life so that you too can find that happiness that only He can provide.

Much love to you all!
K