Comfortably numb

I woke up early today for some reason at 9:30. Don’t laugh, I know many of you have tackled a big part of your day by that time! However, since I don’t normally fall asleep until 3:00 am then 9:30 truly is “early” for me. I also woke up feeling somewhat human and mentally functioning better that I have in a few days. Again, I don’t begin to comprehend how the ebb and flow of my symptoms, I’m just thankful when I wake up and don’t feel the sudden urge to scream at someone or to cry! I also have no idea how long this feeling will last, but I am grateful for it no matter the length of time it is here.

Yesterday was a hard day physically but it was the emotional part that was much harder on me. I would give you an explanation on why it was hard but I don’t seem to have a real reason. The part of my brain that still attempts “rational thought” tells me that there are many reasons. One is that as the visit to KC gets closer, I get more nervous, upset, excited, scared, etc. Another reason could be that both my body and my brain are so very exhausted. I do at least know that both of those things are true whether they are the reasons behind me crying a few times yesterday or not, I don’t know. I am just glad I am not feeling that way so far today.

Today I do not feel like crying, but today I am not really “feeling” much of anything. If I feel anything at all today, emotionally speaking, I would say I feel numb. It has taken me a while to view numbness as an acceptable state, emotion, or feeling. I used to think feeling numb meant that my faith was wavering or that I wasn’t trusting God. I believed numb was the equivalent of a state of depression but this simply isn’t true. Depression is feeling sad and hopeless while numb is really not feeling one way or the other. Not sad, not happy, not down, not up – just numb. In fact, the only “feeling” I’ve found which might at times accompany numb is tired. Just plain worn out tired. It took me a long time to understand that this numbness is not me doubting God or His plan. It’s actually a gift from God to me I believe. I’m learning just how intricately made the human body is as I journey through this illness. I can see how one part of the body affects the others. The more I learn the more in awe I am of the Creator. He knows that our brains cannot handle emotional roller coasters. We just aren’t equipped to be constantly going from high to low and back again. I see numbness for what it is now – one of the body’s many “coping mechanisms” given to us by God to come into play when things get too overwhelming. Numbness to me is my brain’s own version of a short vacation.

Yet sometimes when the numbness strikes, as it has today, I seem to think I need to change it. I tell myself to read something inspiring or pray about how I feel. However, I don’t think those feelings come from God – I think they come from my inner control freak who understands feeling low and understands feeling excited but doesn’t remember what “normal” feels like. I can’t remember having a “middle of the road” type of day. The type where things were not horrible, yet they also weren't great. The type of day where everything is just okay. So, I believe God blesses me with this numbness if for nothing more than to give me a break from my own thoughts.

Today I do not feel like crying, I don't know that I feel like laughing either. I am just trying to enjoy this state of numb. Soon things will be going fast and I’ll be in panic and survival mode trying to get ready to leave. I will be double and triple checking that I’ve packed everything and forgotten nothing. Simply put I will be in “brain overload”. So, today I will just breathe in and out and feel numb and appreciate that gift from God that is allowing me to forget about the million other things my brain would normally be focused on. I will be numb and through that numbness I will feel peace within my body and my brain. Thank you, Lord, for allowing my brain to slow down, to take a break, and to be numb. Thank you for the peaceful feeling that comes from just breathing. Thank you for this hiatus of the ups and downs.

I hope you all are having good days but just know that if you’re also experiencing a numb day, that’s okay too. God might be trying to give your brain a vacation as well.

“The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.”
Psalm 29:11(NIV)

“Come to me, all you that are weary and carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28 (NRSV)