Prepared but scared...

Only one week until M & I get in the car and head out to KC! I’d like to thank my mom for getting me out of the house on Friday – it was very hard on me, but I needed to feel useful and I HAD to get out of here before I lost it completely! She took me to get some new bedding to take to KC. I spend so much of my time in the bed that I knew I would need a mattress pad, a good comforter and some soft high thread count sheets. Even if I don’t end up staying longer than a week those items alone will be a comfort to my aching body!

So I got out in the world. Good news is I didn’t have a complete meltdown, bad news is that my CNS* got so over-stimulated that by 10:00 p.m. I had to take some Demerol, Phenergan, Klonopin and Restoril to calm my body and my brain down. Even with all of that I didn’t fall asleep until close to 5 a.m. Hard to believe I know! It’s all hard for me to believe too. Hard to realize that just an afternoon outing can wreak such havoc on my brain in so many ways. Hard to understand how the problem with my brain manifests itself into muscle twitches, spasms, and feeling like I could crawl out of my skin. The hardest part to understand is why on earth I can’t seem to control even the most simple of bodily functions these days. Sad thing is if I can’t understand it all myself, then how can I expect anyone who isn’t experiencing it to understand? It is all so confusing and at times completely overwhelming.

Now, back to the prepared part of this message. In the “getting things checked off the to-do list” hoopla, buying new bedding wasn’t the only thing that was accomplished. The digital recorder and Garmin GPS system were delivered to the house too – YEA! I must say, internet shopping is such a blessing for someone like me! It’s like magic how packages appear on my porch out of nowhere, or it would be like magic if it was free…haha. The GPS was solely for M. I’m not a big fan of GPS systems. I’ve always done just fine using regular old maps. I know they are out of fashion these days, but I still ordered a 2010 Rand McNally United States Road Atlas. Better to be safe than sorry I say! We’ve mapped out our route and will be breaking the trip into 2 days of driving for 6 hours each day. I pray that my body can handle all the stimulation of being on the road but I’m equipped with the following to help out: my eye mask to shut out all the light, good ear plugs in case I need quiet as well as my MP3 with calming music to listen to, my car seat reclines almost flat and it also has a seat warmer that goes up into the back! I know - it’s June, why would I be happy about a seat warmer? Well, I stay cold and cold air conditioning blowing on me makes my aches and pains worse. M needs the car to be cool for him so the seat warmer and a cozy blanket will help me tremendously!

Usually the hardest part of packing for me is the clothes and shoes but that’s actually the easiest part this time. Comfy yoga pants (check), shorts and some jeans (check), t-shirts (check), comfy yoga tank tops (check), a couple of sweatshirts for my cold natured self (check) the only 2 pairs of comfortable shoes I own (check & check). It’s so easy to pack when your travel plans revolve around seeing a doctor and lots of other sick people. I’m taking my makeup but I highly doubt it will be used. I’ve only used it but two times in the last 3 months so I don’t see me using it there but it will be nice to know it’s there if I want it.

And now to the scared part. You see all that stuff I just listed is basically all the control that M & I have over this journey – the roads we take to get there, the stuff we take with us, and where we stay while we’re there. To be honest, even those small things aren't really under our control, but we do like to think they are, don't we? I know God has been leading us to this doctor, to this particular clinic. I also trust that if He has led us this far He will carry us on through the appointment and whatever comes after that. Whether it is the doctor’s plan for me to stay in KC or if she believes this can be treated at home, He is in control of it all.

I know that in my heart, but my brain is so riddled with fear and anxiety about all of it. I keep on saying that I am giving God control over all of this, but it is so hard for me to “let go & let God” as they say. I’m a control freak by nature, if you’ve been reading this blog none of this is news to you. I thought that the closer we got to the appointment the more calm I would feel but it’s been just the opposite. The closer it gets the more worry creeps into my brain and makes me question everything about everything. I HATE that worry – I despise it because I know it does not come from God. However, I am working with an “altered brain” and my CNS* is not functioning like a “normal” person’s would, so I am battling fear without feeling completely prepared for the battle.

Unfortunately all of this anxiety does nothing but make things worse for me physically. My heart rate goes nutty, my emotions are on overdrive, my patience stretched past its breaking point. But I do trust God and I try to cling to that when my brain tries to question everything else! Clinging to God is the only way I can make it through all of this. I must continue to have faith. Even though I have had my hopes dashed before when seeing new doctors, I believe that was because I was placing my faith in those doctors not in God. Now I am learning to have faith in God and pray that He will work through this doctor as He has led me to this place.

In the book of Psalm there are many verses about putting hope in God and having faith in the Lord even when you doubt or are grieving. Two that spoke to me today are:

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:11 (NIV)

“When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:21-26 (NIV)

Again I will quote C.S. Lewis' book Mere Christianity. I know my own situation has made me better understand this quote about faith:
“It is the change from being confident about our own efforts to the state in which we despair of doing nothing for ourselves and leave it to God.”
That is a very short quote from a much better and longer chapter on faith, but it sums up where I find myself. I have found faith not through my own works or efforts, but actually in spite of them. I hope that’s not confusing to you, but if it is I will again recommend you read the whole book and then you will know what I mean by it.

Finally, I want to share this verse which helps me view all these troubles as blessings in disguise:

“We also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.” Romas 5:3-5 (NRSV)

I hope you are all feeling blessed by God for the beautiful weather this weekend. I have really loved seeing the sunshine and blue skies from my bedroom window. I am also truly thankful for all of you who have let me know you are praying for me and for those who read all my rants and ramblings and still take the time to reach out to let me know I am not alone. Which reminds me, I wanted to say a special thank you to Carol who sent some beautiful spring flowers to me via my mom on Friday. I thank God for sweet gestures like flowers but also for all the other sweet gestures like little comments, emails, or cards. Basically anything that helps me feel connected to the outside world is a blessing beyond words and I am truly thankful!!!

(*CNS= Central Nervous System)