Patience through frustration

Yesterday I DID take that shower. I even shaved my legs (gasp - yes)! And the rest of the day I laid back in the bed thinking, "Maybe I should just push myself to get up and do things."

For anyone who has gone through a long illness, this is a familiar thought. You begin to believe that maybe you're just making yourself feel worse by staying in bed. You wonder if you tried to get up and do something, anything, that just maybe you might feel stronger. It doesn't matter that you don't feel strong while you're thinking this, or even that the past 10 times you've "tried" to do things you found out the hard way that you could not do them. Your brain pushes that back and focuses on "trying to be normal". Well, I did that today. I "tried to be normal". You know - someone else's version of normal.

What did I do you ask? Well, I did some laundry. I thought, "All I have to do is stand up for a few minutes while I shove stuff in the washer or dryer and then I can just lie back down in the bed. That shouldn't be too hard." If you've read this blog up to now then this streak of stupidity or stubbornness should come as no shock. So, while M was off at a lunch meeting, I began to do laundry. When the first load came out of the dryer I was proud! I thought, "Maybe I can do more than I've been thinking I can!" I went back and laid out on the bed waiting for the next load to be ready to switch over. Each time I knew my heart was racing, but I wanted to pretend it wasn't. I wanted to pretend I was "normal".

After the last load I fought M to allow me to put the sheets on the bed. He didn't want to let me do it, but I have control issues, and honestly he doesn't make up a bed to my satisfaction (haha!). So I put them on & I knew I couldn't try for "perfect". I knew I needed to just get them on the bed and I did so as quickly as I could. I wasn't even able to put the pillow cases on before having to lie back down. My pulse meter registered 160 with me on the bed. That was from 3 minutes of "hard work". I finally looked at M and just got teary eyed because I have to accept "my normal" and it's not like every one else's. No matter how much I wish it were. Apparently I can't just make it happen although I tried hard to do just that. M looked at me and asked, "Are you okay?" and I said, "I'm just so tired. I'm just so tired of this and I'm tired of this body."

So for all of you who think I am super positive through all of this, through the every day things, all the time, well guess what? I am not. But, I've already said I hate pity parties so I didn't allow myself to throw one. I just accepted my frustration and wondererd about why I was trying to push so hard. Why have I wanted to push so very hard the past 2 days? I realized then that outside of 3 visits to doctors, I have not been outside of this house - or out of this bed really - in 22 days. That's a long time to be stuck anywhere. Even my normally comfortable bed.

I thought when M went downstairs to do some work that I might allow myself a good cry, I mean 22 days??? Surely I can cry about that, at least by myself??? But just when I thought I might give in to that, I saw my calendar which showed May 20th and I realized that those 22 days is a longer amount of time than the days left until I am in KC. God showed me that I've made it through 22 days and I felt Him telling me I don't need to push anymore. I need to rest and lie in this bed and just wait exactly 3 weeks to be examined by the doctor in KC (of course as I type this it's past midnight so technically it's only 20 days - heehee). But honestly, I've waited a lot longer for a lot less!

Yes, I'm frustrated & yes, I feel like screaming some days. Normally I would be looking for any excuse to NOT do the laundry, but I wanted to be productive, I wanted to feel that I could DO SOMETHING! But God seems to be telling me that lying here in this bed I AM doing something - I am being taught patience. Patience is hard because it doesn't come to me naturally. I think the only time people have referred to me as "patient" was when I taught preschool because I'm very patient with little kids. WHY? Because I recognize that they have very little control over what happens in their lives and I've seen that lead to frustration and acting out. Also, if they're really young they unable to even verbally communicate what they're thinking or feeling. Right now - just as I typed that last part out - a thought occurred to me. That is exactly how God sees me, as His "little kid" who is having a tough time being patient! I remember how as a teacher I would work with those children to help them voice their thoughts or teach them appropriate ways to vent their frustrations (meaning no biting or hitting others!). I never got mad at them because they were little kids & they didn't know any better.

I guess I'm just a 34 year old "little kid" who is still trying to vent my frustrations. I don't control the world, I get that. I just wanted control over my own body, but I don't have that right now. And you know what, that's okay because that means God is in control of it. So, why am I upset because I can't do laundry? Because I wanted control & by now I should remember I'm trying to hand all of that over to God! Oh, and my calendar has a Bible verse for each day. When I looked at it to see the date, I should have gotten the message loud & clear when I read this:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

I am just having trouble letting go of "the old" because the old me thought I was in control. That could even refer to times I thought I SHOULD BE in control. Let's all get a good laugh out of that now :)

Patience is my goal everyday but I thank you Lord for being patient with me when I fall so short and for showing me "appropriate ways to vent my frustrations". I'm going to bed now. Hope you all have a Thursday full of patience in you and all around you. I may have to experience frustration before I can experience patience, but the kind of patience God wants for us brings a much better feeling along with it - the feeling of PEACE.