Running

I felt really bad tonight, like I had a virus – upset stomach, achy, and just overall felt out of it. I took my sleep meds at 9:30 and closed my eyes and slept until 11:00. Then I woke up because my heart was beating so hard, not fast, just hard. It felt like it was going to come out of my chest and despite my best efforts to calm it down, it just continued. I tried to go back to sleep, but it’s impossible to do when your heart acts like that. So I layed there for awhile, just thinking.

It seems like when I just let my mind wander I keep having coming across the same thought, well, no it’s more like a desire. It’s been going on for months now. I get this strong urge to lace up my Nikes and go running. I want to run out of this house, down the street, up the hill and keep on running. I want so badly to just run, not to get anywhere, but just to run. I feel like Forest Gump when he decided to go running and ran across the county and then ran all the way across the “great state of Alabama” and then just kept on running until he hit the west coast. I tried to figure out WHY I was feeling this desire so strongly and for so long.

I remember when I was young I was on the track team and I ran because I loved it. I had to stop when I was in 8th grade after the mono episode though and for years after that I ran only when required in P.E. to run the mile. I would have difficulty breathing, feel light headed and sick to my stomach. Even though I was in good shape and could do other things, running seemed to bring me to my knees. In college I dreamed of running again. I remembered the sheer exhilieration of running. I started back slowly, first just walking a couple of laps and then running one and then walking a couple more. But I still found I couldn’t just run around a track without that sick feeling. So, instead I ran stadium steps at my old high school football field. I pushed myself so hard to get up & down those steps and then would walk around the track to cool down some before forcing myself to handle a few more sets of stadium steps. There were many times I thought I would pass out or throw up or both. There were times I actually did throw up and other times I fell into my car leaning the seat back to get my heart rate down. I now realize I was pushing my body past what it could do. I’ve always tried to fight hard to be normal and normal people can exercise, right?

And here it is again, that dream of running. Psychiatrists would probably say I was trying to mentally “run away” from what’s going on in my life right now. They’d be right because of course I want to run away from all of this. But I believe it’s more than that. I think I am dreaming of what my body should be able to do at the age of 34. I think I am dreaming of the freedom that I used to feel when I ran. I think I want to feel like I could go running if I really wanted to do so. But, the fact is that I simply cannot. The reality is that just getting out of bed, walking into my closet room, lacing up my Nikes and standing up again would have me out of breath and be enough to put my heart into an aerobic state (a pulse of 140 or so). I know that. That knowledge has been beaten into me against my will because I want to be able to do so much more than just lie in this bed. Trust me when I say I would be doing something more than lying here if there was any way I could physically accomplish more than that.

So why do I keep picturing myself running when I know I cannot do it? I pray that sometime soon – 6 months? 2 years? I have no idea really – I will look back on this recurring desire to run as God’s way of showing me something. Perhaps He’s sending me visions of the future – visions of a time when I will be able to run down my street, up the hill and I’ll be able to keep on going from there. Because the me I’m envisioning is strong and healthy and when I see her running in my mind, I see joy on her face. I long for the day when that vision will be my reality and I pray that the road I am on leads me to that place where I can run just because I want to run, because right now I have such a strong desire and not one bit of ability. I wonder if God is simply trying to show me that this all consuming battle I am fighting might be full of frustrations and difficulties, but it’s a battle worth fighting with everything I have in me because there is a healthier me just around the bend. But I’ll have to work hard to catch up to her because she is running and she is loving every minute of it.

“But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.” Malachi 4:2

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 41:28-31