I'm not sure what to write today. We leave on Sunday and I'm trying to make sure I have everything I need. That's really hard to do since I have no idea if I'll just be staying a week, or 3-4 months as the doctor here thinks. So, I'm not sure what to say, because I'm not real sure how I'm feeling. Wait, scratch that, I know how I'm feeling but it's like a million feelings all rolled into one big mess.
I AM:
Nervous
Excited
Worried
Apprehensive
Wondering
Calm
Numb
Happy
Sad
Etc.
I have felt really bad the past few days. I've had a fever off and on, upset stomach, heart has been going nuts - skipping beats and racing, and I feel like I am trying to pass a kidney stone. But mentally, I just can't seem to get a grip on my emotions or figure out what's going on in my head. However, God did answer a recent prayer for me & let me feel really good for the couple of hours that my friend, Christy, came over yesterday. THANK YOU GOD! I needed my spirit to be lifted & that visit did me good. Of course, I took a 3 hour nap afterwards but the visit itself made my day! I haven't been resting very well lately so the nap was an answer to prayer too! I seem to be sleeping in 2-3 hours shifts but I'll take what I can get these days. I've also gotten some sweet cards and even some gifts that have helped brighten my days this week. In fact, my sweet and talented sister-in-law and wonderful nieces sent me handmade soaps and lip balms and I LOVE them! Christy brought some neat house shoes - they have gel packs for heat and a vibrating massage! I just know these aching feet of mine will love them I feel very blessed to have people reaching out to me right now.
Having said that, I am now going to allow myself to be very honest here because I need to say this. I have felt so abandoned by some friends I believed to be very close to me and that hurts. I can't say that I blame people who seem to fade out of my life - it's not a fun life to be a part of right now, for me or anyone else who's involved. But knowing that doesn't take away the hurt of their absences in my life. I understand that some people simply aren't cut out to go through these sorts of things. I don't want to, nor should I, hold that against them. I don't want to be judgemental towards them because it's not my place & honestly, it's a real waste of time. So, for the sake of being 100% honest, I must admit that while their seemingly distant behavior hurts, it also means I have no idea what they might be going through in their own lives because I haven't heard from them. They may be facing their own difficulties that I don't know about & I need to remember that. I pray I'm able to keep that attitude throughout this whole ordeal. I want to love everyone in my life in the right way - with no conditions. I don't want to base my love for people on my preconceived notion of what a "true friend" would do right now. Every single person is different and I need and want to learn how to love everyone in an unconditional way. Loving them regardless of what they choose to do or how they choose to act. I don't know if any of us are really capable of complete unconditional love on this side of heaven, but I know I'd like to aim for it.
So that means for now I will focus on the positive and stop thinking about who isn't here and focus more on the people who have selflessly chosen to go through the trenches of this ordeal with me. I feel your love and prayers every day. I treasure each comment, each email, each phone call, card, etc. I thank you all so much and from the depths of my soul I thank God for you. I hope after all of this I come out not just a healthier person, but also simultaneously a stronger person and a softer person. Stronger in the sense that I no longer focus on what I don't have, but that I keep my eyes on what I do have. Stronger in the sense that I don't worry about the little things anymore. Softer in the sense that I learn how to reach out and love everyone around me in a better way. Softer in the sense that I let everyone I love KNOW that I love them as often, and in as many ways, as I can. I am already learning so much through all of this. It's taken being brought to my knees health wise to learn a few very simple lessons. I'll admit I had my priorities completely out of whack but I want to come out on the other side knowing that I am a better person because of all of this. And I definitely don't want to forget what I learned while I was ill once I am healthy again!
I probably won't post anything else until I am in Kansas City - unless I feel like I MUST (and for those that know me well you know that might happen - the mood just strikes sometimes)! But even when I do post after reaching KC I may only have the energy for short little health updates because my days will be filled with 3-4 hours of meeting with the doctor and (from what I have heard) another 3+ hours of lab tests. I may be too tired to write much so I wanted to put this out there before I get completely overwhelmed by what has to be done before Sunday. Thank you all so much for your love, your thoughts, and especially your prayers. I know I would not have made it through these past few weeks with what little sanity I have left still intact without all of you. God is good - He is so good and I know He is with me & will carry me through this trip and will help me overcome these emotions of fear or helplessness. He will take care of M and me (and little m who is making the journey with us) as we let go of ideas about our having control over any of this. He wants us to have a new life in Him and we just have to be willing to let go and allow Him to chart our course. He has a wonderful plan for me & M and we just have to make sure we are following where He leads faithfully.
"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." Isaiah 25:1
I look forward to telling you great things next week! I trust that I will find some answers to what all has been going on in my body for so long! But I know that no matter what happens, I will praise God for all the work He has already done in me!
About Me
- K
- Alabama, United States
- I'm just an average 38 year old woman whose life keeps changing and evolving. I am blessed to have a wonderfully loving husband, "M", and a toy poodle, little "m", who has a very big personality. I did not start this because I think what I will say or share is so insightful (it might not even be well written!!!) but because I feel led to share what has been going on in my life. I pray that God leads me in everything I say/write on here. Of course, I've been wanting a way to keep friends and family updated on our lives & this will serve that purpose well. But, I also wanted more than that, a way to feel like I was reaching out, even if I am in my bed most of the time. So, I am just an average 38 year old woman who believes in an AMAZING GOD and who is thankfully and wonderfully saved by the grace of JESUS CHRIST. My life is so far from perfect, I am far from perfect, but I believe GREAT THINGS can happen through HIM!
3 comments:
K-
Of all your posts, this one hit me in a way that I actually could relate too. Not in your level of severity, but nonetheless it did touch home. When I was 22 and became pregnant with Katie within a few months (and weeks), friends that I thought would lie down and die for me suddenly dropped off the map. And I'm talking about the friends that knew me through and through. You know, the ones that could even finish your sentences. At the time I assumed it was because I was married and was living a more "adult" life. Now as a true "grown-up" I fully see that there were three parts they weren't able to fit into their lives. One was that I couldn't "go out" and party and such as they were. Basically-I was boring. The second was that they were overwhelmed that I was taking such a huge leap at such a young age and as though I cannot ever fault them, they could not identify with the life so different from theirs that I was living. The third, and most important, (and this is bad--but I'm putting it out there) is that they had no faith in God. There was not a God, a son and a holy ghost in their lives. I HAD found that. I had ONLY found that because I was living with a human being inside of me that I loved more that the world and I knew it was all happening for a reason. Sure, I could have done what many of them had done and pretend it never happened, but I felt a stronger feeling with Christ and what he had given me. It was not a burden. K-it was a gift. GOD only gave me that gift and to deny it what kind on wrecked soul was I? Sure - I wasn't "ready" - I wasn't anymore ready at 29. But GOD knew I was. Looking back 12 years now and the thought of my pregnancy, the childbirth, the unknown and also growing up so much faster that all my peers makes me SO happy. SO, with that being said, love the people that are by your side, scratch that-cherish them. Many are scared of your situation I think and that could play a big factor. Have faith that they will come around. I needed a LOT of it. I always forgave and turned it over to GOD. If they don't come back then it was planned that way and you are so loved by so many. I am thinking of you and MP and the trip tomorrow. I AM on pins and needles and so sorry that I rambled on. I just felt like I maybe needed to get that out over a decade of holding it in. I have faith in you, in GOD and in the hands of the doctors that he places you with. I love you and wish you so much peace on your trip. Take care and I'll be thinking about you. I love you, Ashley
Oh Ash, I am glad you "rambled on" because I think so much of what you said is true. I hate you had to go through it, but I know that looking back you see it as a true growing experience. I love you so much & am so glad to have you here with me in spirit & via the computer ;) It's been amazing to see all the people God HAS placed in my life at this point - ones that have loved me so well & are so wonderful. I do CHERISH them all - you being one of them! Much love to you!
I am praying extra hard this week and I know that our GOD, our almighty is going to give you something. It may be an answer, it may not, but I KNOW it's going to be better than what you have forged through. What a trooper you are my girl! Love you.
Post a Comment