Patience is a virtue that must be practiced

I couldn’t type an update yesterday because yesterday was horrid. I woke up and the first thing I said was, “I don’t want to go to treatment.” It reminded me of times I would whine to mom that I didn’t feel like going to school. Looking back, perhaps I should have listened to myself and just stayed in bed.

I have learned that these treatments are really chemotherapy but our culture has taken that word to mean cancer treatment. In fact, the definition is “Chemotherapy, in its most general sense, refers to treatment of disease by chemicals that kill cells, both good and bad, but specifically those of micro-organisms or cancer”. I am taking IV drugs to kills MANY micro-organisms so that is chemotherapy. However, the drugs I take aren’t like the poison that cancer patients have to receive, thank goodness! But, the nurses say we will often experience similar side effects like nausea, muscle weakness, and hair loss. In fact, yesterday morning the girls in my room told me about how they were losing their hair. Apparently that can start early or may take 3 months or more. This did nothing to elevate my mood of course and I guess I again questioned, “WHY ME?” but I’ve learned to stop asking because I might never know why I am having to go through this, I only know to follow God’s plan as He leads my steps.

I came back from my morning treatment so nauseated I did not even want to be on the bed. I wanted to lay low down on the floor as though that would cure the nausea. I got into the bed finally but my body hurt so much and I was so frustrated that I was having another rollercoaster ride of “good day, bad day, good day…etc.,etc.” that I just cried. I was so weak and mom was trying to feed me some chips and help me drink my water. I felt helpless and to a certain extent I was just feeling hopeless. I finally took my valium and ativan and tried to just rest and I did sleep for awhile.

But when I woke up I was still feeling rotten and thought, “I really don’t want to go back. I don’t feel up for it.” I got to treatment at what I thought was the right time and was told I was 5 minutes late & that I couldn’t get my second dose of Benadryl halfway through treatment. I really just lost it & started crying. I mean, I’m no Benadryl junkie but it helps with the itching and otherwise unpleasantness of the IV antibiotics as well as helps keep your brain calmed down. I despise crying in front on people but some things just can’t be helped. I was so mad that I basically sat there in silence for the entire two hours. At first, I tried to explain that I was new & that on my time sheet it said 3:45 but I was told I didn’t read the sheet properly. So, I tried to harness my rage as I told the nurses how I understood they couldn’t make exceptions for every rule and that I was sorry for getting so upset, but inside I was screaming! The bad part of all these organisms that I’m trying to kill is that they affect the brain in so many ways. Mood swings are common place. I went from crying to thinking if I just had enough strength I might could wrap my IV tube around that nurse’s neck. Seriously, how awful is that? She was merely doing her job and I was seething about it the whole time.

I was silent in the car with mom on the way home but then got my “IV Treatment Schedule” list and read it again. The way it was worded only a medical professional would understand. Actually, I must say it was poorly worded and that most medical professionals would have done a better job of explaining their rules and the exceptions to their rules. That’s when I just screamed and pitched a really good fit. Mom can attest that this might have been my best fit pitching done since I was at least 3 years old. I told her I didn’t understand why I was here anymore. I said I was so tired of this crap and that I wanted to go home. At least at home I wasn’t forced to interact with people nor was I treated like a complete imbecile. I told mom I thought we should pack it all up and just leave. All in all I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. And to the untrained eye it would have seemed that I was crying about not getting Benadryl, but it was more than that. I was crying to God again. I wanted to know what lesson I was supposed to be learning through dealing with the nurse that some of the patients refer to as “the Benadryl Nazi” (like the soup Nazi on the Seinfeld episode that would get mad and yell “NO SOUP FOR YOU!”).

I was crying out to God because I want this to be easier even though I knew when I came out here that treatment would be miserable. I wanted to think that I could be different and that I could remain calm and upbeat and all in all just sail on through. I mean, isn’t that what we think of when we think of having a prayer answered? That as soon as our prayer is answered we should be happy go lucky and all our troubles should be lifted immediately? I was railing and moaning about how hard this was on me when in reality all I asked of God was to get me to a doctor who could help me. He did that. I prayed that I would have the strength to endure everything – and I know now that I do.

Last night I prayed some more. I prayed that I wouldn’t have to see that nurse today. I prayed a little prayer that maybe 2 of my favorites would be working instead. I wanted to scrap yesterday all together and start anew. And guess what? When I got there this morning there were my 2 favorite nurses all ready to go and being sweet to me. So thank you Lord for answering another prayer for me even though I know I have to be tested by fire at times to really learn the lessons you need to teach me.

The best thing about yesterday is that God let me see the lessons to be learned from it. First, I need to work on my patience and my temper outbursts. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Second, He showed me that I could get really angry again. I know that seems weird to say, but I have been feeling really helpless for a long time and to feel that ferocity in my body again actually reminded me of the person I used to be – strong, bold, unafraid to take on anyone or anything. It’s been awhile since I have seen that side of me and while it definitely doesn’t need to come out all the time, I was thankful to find out it was still down in there somewhere. God gave me the ability to debate, to reason, to rationalize and I know that He has a plan that will utilize those abilities sometime later. Of course, it won’t be to pitch a fit about Benadryl, but He allowed me to feel that strength in me so I could see I had the mental strength to continue this fight. He allowed me to see that those traits might be polished and honed for me to use for His good once I learn how to control them!

It wore my body out to get that mad. But in a way, it felt good to feel so strongly about something again, even something as trivial as a dose of Benadryl. I woke up today and realized I am fighting to get well and it will not be a passive battle! It will be a war that I have to wake up and face each and every day. He has gotten me to this place of healing and He will lead me through – I don’t doubt that for a second. Maybe He just wanted to remind me of everything I have lost so that on another day when I don’t want to get up and go to treatment, I will remember that I am fighting to get back that vigor and strength. I have a feeling His plan includes molding me so that He can show me when to fight and when to step away and take another look at the situation.

This morning’s treatment was good. I felt better when I got home, weak & nauseated yes, but better. I’m about to take a nap and rest up for the second battle of the day around 3:30 but definitely no later than 3:40 or I won’t get my second dose of Benadryl and those poor nurses don’t need me causing an uprising this afternoon. I’m learning something new from all of this every single day. I think the recurring theme seems to be patience though. Patience with myself, with the treatments, with the other patients, and with the nurses who run the clinic because I can’t be showering God’s love for others around if I’m unleashing all my venom on them!!!

Pray that God gives me patience. Pray that he gives M patience too because when I finally talked to him last night he was ready to board a plane headed to KC with a baseball bat to knock down some doors and get his wife some Benadryl!!! Love him so much for that, but we’re both going through a lot and we ALL (me, M, my parents, my sister & her family) need your prayers because this is not just my story, it’s our story. It’s our reality for now and it will always be a big part of our lives. Pray we all learn what God wants us to learn from this experience.

Now off to nap. And here’s my verse for that:
“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8