And the hits just keep on coming...

Overall today started off horribly. However, it ended as well as it could I guess. This morning my body decided it wanted to revolt. It did not wave the white flag of surrender – it was a mutiny I tell you. In fact, I feel as though my internal organs staged a coup and were trying to gain control over their dictator, a.k.a. me.

Now, for those of you don’t want to know the gory details, you might have a tough time with this one, but you can quit reading. I have always felt this was supposed to be an honest account of what I’m dealing with though. Remember my mantra – the good, the bad, & the ugly? Well, perhaps ugly should also be read as gross medical issues? That might be more truthful. Now I will go ahead and tell you of today’s events.

Yesterday I went and had the colon cleanse or colonic. Apparently there were many toxins that were released into my body afterwards. That is when my body decided to let me know it was done with this treatment stuff, please & thank you. Basically I woke up to go to treatment this morning and immediately got sick (vomited, whatever – it’s all gross I tell you). I pushed on and went to the clinic. Mom had to help me in and the nurse came to talk to me and ordered a shot of an anti-nausea drug. My body said, “Oh you’re not getting off that easy. If you aren’t going to get sick we’re going to send out the alarm to all the muscles to start cramping and twitching.”

Even when I stood up and leaned against the wall for the injection, as soon as it was over I slid right down the wall onto the floor. The nurse pretty much lifted me back into my chair. But I pushed on through. But even with the Ativan and Valium my body wouldn’t stop the violent jerks and shakes. So I had to drink some magnesium chloride with some water to try and settle the muscles down. I got two whole doses of IV Benadryl and my body refused to remain still. But people, I am determined to win this war. My body can revolt all it wants to because in reality the mere fact that it’s doing so let’s me know that this treatment is working. I am getting all that nasty stuff out of my system and that’s the goal.

The bad thing was that the doctor didn’t want me getting the Bicillin shots today since my body was already weak. She also said for me to lay off the supplements for a couple of days to try and get my body agreeable again. So I cried a little at the thought of missing out on yet another drug to fight this with. The nurse told me that she understands my desire to jump right into the deep end & go to war, but that we have to fight the smaller battles first or my body won’t have the strength for the war. Then it was suggested that I get a “helper stick”, aka walker, while I am going through treatments. One of those canes with the three prongs on the end to help me with my balance. I recoiled at the mere thought of having to use one of those – aren’t those just for old people? Apparently they are for anyone who can’t seem to balance or walk correctly, even 34 year old women like me. The nurses did try to soften the blow by adding, “You know, just for while you’re going through treatments and need the help.”

When mom came to pick me up seeing the physical difference in my body upset her I think. My entire stance was different and I couldn’t form words well and stuttered a lot. It upset me too. I came back to the apartment and needed help just getting into the bed. After my second Ativan I was finally able to sleep for about 2 hours. I prayed for strength & before my nap I sent out an SOS prayer text message to a friend. I woke up, ate some lunch, and I prayed for strength again. God gave me the idea to just forget all about what a bad morning I’d had. I got the feeling that I should go into afternoon treatments and let everyone know that I would be starting my Friday all over again with a better outcome. I went back to treatments this afternoon feeling stronger and able to walk a little better. I’m still having trouble talking well but I’m getting there. I felt weak when treatments started but just decided to dig in my heels and do the best I can to fight all of this. The sweet nurses brought me an ice pack for my neck to help with the nausea and it did.

The doctor may have gotten some new test results in because I was given a prescription for Creon 20 and the nurse who handed it to me said the doctor thought it would help in my digestion. I of course went straight to the source of all medical knowledge, Google (lol), and found out it is a pill made up of enzymes that help break down food. In fact, webmd.com (yet another place full of valuable medical resources – ha – don’t worry I checked Mayo Clinic & John Hopkins as well) had written this for the description of Creon 20: “This medication contains digestive enzymes to help break down and digest fats, starch, and proteins in food. It is used in conditions where the pancreas cannot make or does not release enough digestive enzymes into the small intestines to digest the food (e.g., chronic pancreatitis, cystic fibrosis, cancer of the pancreas, post-pancreatectomy, post-gastrointestinal bypass surgery).”

This would explain why I have done nothing but lose weight no matter how much I eat. It would also explain why I am deficient or low in so many necessary vitamins and minerals. Most of all, it would explain why my stomach has been revolting every time I try to eat. When you are getting treatment up here you the doctor has monthly meetings with you but as labs come in she prescribes different medications. She will often have her nurse tell you simple things like, “You have the flu so go get this medication”. But I’m beginning to think when test results are more complex or difficult to explain she sends the prescription via the nurse who simplifies it by saying, “The doctor said this should help you with your digestion.” I believe I will learn more about my pancreas and what might be going on with it when I’m able to meet with her at length. I think she goes into much more detail about what lab results have revealed so far about your body at your monthly meeting. It gives you a set time to ask any questions and she helps you get a true understanding of her treatment protocol.

So overall I decided to see my body’s revolt as a step in the right direction. The hardest part of treatments is the knowledge that you will feel a lot worse before you’re able to feel better. Since I felt really rotten today I’m choosing to believe that is proof that I am working on getting better. There will be bad days and I just have to keep my brain focused on the end result instead of giving in to the “doom & gloom” of feeling so badly. Take that body – you’re not going to overthrow this dictator!!! I’m saying we’re getting well and I mean what I say!!!

God is good and He is on His throne! I know nothing is impossible for the Lord. He is my strength and He made me see that I can handle these “bad days” and I can lean on Him and watch as He turns them into “good days”. The key is to let God have control over my brain instead of allowing my emotions to suck me down. I know that a year ago I would not have had this mental strength but God has been working on me in that area. He knew that I would have to endure the physical suffering, but thankfully He is showing me that I do not have to give into the mental suffering. He is my creator and He knows how to strengthen my mind, my spirit, and even my tired old body! He can do anything and I pray that I constantly remind myself of just how great my God is!

“It is you who made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17 (NRSV)