Speechless

Well, you know that title is misleading since I've never been at a loss for words of some sort. Yet I cannot really describe to you what this day has been like. We got to the hospital at 7:15 a.m. for the PICC line to be inserted. I thought, "Okay, they shoot my arm with some numbing meds and then get a good line in there & seal it." I was oh so wrong. My normal copious amounts of useless trivial medical knowledge didn't include what exactly a PICC line was. I just knew what it stood for.

So, I go into the operating room - yes, operating room, although the procedure was just supposed to take 15-20 minutes. They lay me on the table and have an x-ray machine and ultrasound machine around the table. There are 2 nurses and a doctor for this small "minimally invasive" procedure. I chat happily away with them as they drape everything but my little left bicep which they cover with orange stuff that's supposed to clean the area. The doc comes in gives me the stinging shot of Lidocaine (sp?) to numb the arm. They insert the IV tubing and then, to my horror/shock/surprise they move the x-ray machine over my chest. The nurse is saying, "You've got it in there keep going." and I'm thinking, "Is she talking about that thin black line that seems to be headed for my heart?". She was. This line goes all the way from right above my elbow travels through the vein and into the top part of the heart. I'm too tired to give you the exact location in medical jargon. As I watched this line come close to my heart on the x-ray screen I couldn't help but think of many episodes of House where one of the residents stops him from doing some crazy procedure by screaming, "You're going to puncture their heart!" But I surprised myself by staying calm.

The sonogram of the abdomen was a cake walk anyway, but especially in comparison to the PICC line insertion. Don't get me wrong, the PICC line insertion didn't hurt - it was just an out of body experience to see a tube go all the way to your heart knowing it's going to stay there for 3 plus months. Now I understand all the warnings about not getting it wet & making sure the tubing stays sterile because it would shoot an infection straight to my heart. However, since I get IV antibiotics through it twice a day the chance of that happening is very, very, slim.

Then I went and had my first IV treatment. I felt a little nauseated afterwards and came home crying, wanting to go home and wishing I could just tell everyone that I didn't need to be going through all of this. But the sad fact is that I do need it - every bit of it. I know God will give me the physical and mental strength to go through this, but I had one of those days when I wanted to ask Him, "I'm doing what you said for me to do. So why is this all still so hard?" Yes, I was what I hate most in the world - I was in a state of self-pity.

I took a nap for a good 4 hours and awoke to tell M that we HAD to get comfy bedding for my IV chair. Everyone else's in the clinic had foam padding and comforters and pillows. I had just brought a blanket and a pillow and I wouldn't have even thought to do that had it not been for dear sweet Melissa, my new friend who was here doing this exact same treatment last year. So, with my bandaged arm and under the guidance of Valium and Ativan I got M to drive me to the Super Target. But I wasn't completely stupid. I had on a baseball hat & kept my sunglasses on to keep the ultraviolet lights from causing me to have a meltdown. I also for the first time in my life allowed M to talk me into using one of those handicap carts that you see the old women driving around. I knew I wasn't strong enough to walk through there so it was nice to have it and made it where I could go & pick out what I thought best for the IV chair. I also got me a memory foam pad for the bed here to help it be a bit more like home.

Tomorrow I will arrive at the clinic a little before 6:30 a.m. with two twin size egg crate foam things to put on the chair. I also purchased an alternative down blanket that will lie on top of the foam and then I can wrap it around me. On top of that I will be using a nice cotton blanket and the piece de resitance - a body pillow. M couldn't even get frustrated at the total cost because it was the first time he's seen me smiling in a few days. And really, who's going to deny a girl certain comforts for her IV chair that will be her home base for 6+ hours every day, 7 days a week? Especially when that girl can point to her bandaged arm and say, "M - they ran it all the way to my heart & I could see it on the screen!" This just makes his stomach turn a bit & he says, "Just get whatever you need. It doesn't matter. I just want you comfortable." Oh, but how I do love that man.

I'm having to learn that my days are no longer my own. The times that I'm not IN treatment I am trying to nap or take the 16-18 supplements that are still so confusing to me. I did start on this inhaler thing called Relenza where I take one inhalation twice daily for 10 days to help with the influenza A & B. I am having to see that getting well is a full time job on it's own. A hard one at that. Oh, and just so I don't go getting too excited about how healthy I'm going to be the sonogram did show 2 kidney stones in my right kidney so that'll be coming soon...haha. I think I'd welcome dealing with a plain old stone over all this business of getting well!

Truly though, it was a trying day and finally ended on a lighter note with me in a more comfortable bed and making the decision to follow God's plan for me even if it means PICC lines to my heart and swallowing 40 pills a day and drinking various supplement powders mixed into my water. This is the road He had me on & it's going to take all I have in me to not fight Him like I normally do & just accept that He has a purpose for this. I know I will be stronger after this - both physically and mentally. I know that I will look back on my life 30 years from now & think, "That is when I REALLY got to know God!" And when I think like that I'm not speechless from fear of what's going on around me or to me, I'm awestruck that God wants a relationship with stubborn, spiteful, sickly, me. That what He desires most of all that I lean on Him, have faith in His word, and try to allow the Holy Spirit to work in me to show God's love to others all of the time. Not just when I feel good - but ALL the time. Even in the times when I am scared and speechless I want to know I am spreading God's love wherever I go to whomever I meet along this journey.

Thanks again for all of your prayers. And for those who wanted to know a mailing address for me just comment on here & leave me an email address or a way to get in touch with you. M got the official address today but I forgot to ask what it was.

Oh, and to finish off, some of you reading this know how horrible some of these supplements taste so I thought that this verse would be quite appropriate:

"Taste and know that the Lord is good." Psalm 34:8 (NIV)

And for me to keep my eye on the prize at all times:

"This slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure." 2 Corinthians 4:17 (NRSV)

Much love to you all!!!