Remembering and relocating

So, the doctor already had the results of my brain spect this afternoon when we met. Since I have friends & family who are nurses let me explain that it was not a contrast dye that was injected via the IV, it was radioactive isotopes. This was not a CT or an MRI. It measures blood flow (I think?) [EDITOR'S NOTE: the brain spect measures blood flow to the brain & since blood carries oxygen then it would also be an idicator of the amount of oxygen the brain is getting in certain areas] and oxygen amounts in areas of the brain. I have told you all that I have been having a lot of cognitive problems like being able to say or pronounce words or forgetting things easily. I know a lot of you might feel that you are "forgetful" but this is a scary kind of forgetful. This is NOT absentmindedness, this is more like having an entire conversation about a book with someone and then completely forgetting you ever had that in depth conversation. Not just forgetting what it was about but not remembering talking with that person about that book ever. I can finally admit to everyone how very scary these things have been. They have been nothing short of terrifying. The reason I can finally admit how scared I have been is because I finally know WHY this has been happening!!!

The brain spect showed me to be "4-5 standard deviations below normal in the anterior lobes bilaterally, left greater than right" and "small areas approximately 2 standard deviations below the norm in the anterior aspect of the frontal lobes bilaterally." So, what does all that gobbedly gook mean? Good question! Apparently you want to be at 0 which would mean you had normal oxygen and blood flow to the appropriate areas. We were told that 5 standard deviations below normal was the maximum. Basically I am not getting oxygen and/or blood flow to areas of my brain and that is what is behind MANY things. Not just the cognitive stuff but also the extreme anxiety and horrible mood swings that I go through. If you don't believe I have some flat out scream and rage sessions just ask M & he will be happy to let you know what it's been like living with the real me 24/7 for the past few years.

The good news is that we know that there is a reason & I am not just losing my mind. The other good news is that I have a written report to shove in M's face saying, "I can't help it, I have brain problems" - JUST KIDDING - I wouldn't do that, at least, not yet - haha. The other news is that we already found out today that I will be staying up here for at least 3 months for IV treatments twice daily. I will be going to another hospital nearby on Tuesday or Wednesday to have a PICC line inserted. That is a "peripherally inserted central catheter" or in normal terms I will have an IV catheter in my vein 24/7 for the next however many months that I have to have treatment. We expected this & we were as prepared for it as possible & truly this is an answer to prayer. However, I will say that it's one of those answered prayers that is hard to accept. You know it's the right thing, you know it's God's will, but you want to wish it away at the same time.

We don't have a lot of blood work back and there are still about 5 other tests that I have to go through. They don't involve hitting a vein & I'll just keep it at that...lol. The doctor believes I have a chronic case of strep to go along with my chronic mono - basically there are all sorts of bacterias living in my blood and hiding out in my own blood cells and sometimes in cysts and biofilms that hide them from my immune system. Also, the assumption is that I have problems with my thyroid hormones and probably a good deal wrong with my adrenal glands. All in all, it's just like they told me yesterday, "You are very ill."

I have felt God with me all day today and feel His presence with me now even though I am crying as I type all of this. I wanted His help to lead me to someone who could and would find out everything that was wrong. I begged Him to take me to a place where I could find help and healing. I handed it all over to Him and He answered every single prayer. That doesn't mean that this is easy. It's faith and from what I'm learning - true, deep and abiding faith is NEVER easy. I've been humbled and at the same time uplifted by all of this. GOD IS THE GREAT PHYSICIAN AND HE HAS HEALING IN HIS PLAN FOR ME! GOD IS GOOD AND HE DOES ANSWER PRAYER. But don't go thinking that means it's easy because the idea of not being in my home for "at least 3 months" is frightening. However, this is God's plan and I know I don't have to be strong to get through this. He will get me through it just as He got me here to begin with. Please don't think I am not so very thankful for His work. I am - I just know this is the very beginning of a long road to recovery. One that will likely take 1-2 years of treatment with IV drugs, supplements, and oral drugs when I do get home. But He doesn't want me to focus on anything other than today. He doesn't want me worrying about tomorrow or next week or next year. He wants me in the present - in this day - in the moment. And this day, this moment, has been so very hard on me physically. So, now I am going to go rest. I am going to allow myself to soak up this information that is so hard to understand even with a brain that functions on all cylinders. Pray that I will continue to lean on God for all of my strength because it's when I try to do it on my own that I fall so very hard.

So many times I want to close with a good verse, but I can't think well and I am so tired so I will just flip one of my books open or go straight to the Bible and see what God leads me to. I find it quite fitting that I was just led to the following verse:

"Then I lay down and slept in peace and woke up safely, for the Lord was watching over me." Psalm 3:5 (TLB - not my usual NIV but I liked this version better for my situation)

Because I don't just need to sleep, but I need to sleep in peace. I thank you all for your love and prayers. I know that is why I am finally getting answers after a lifetime of questioning.

OH - I absolutely had to add this link that my sweet friend Brandie sent me because this song just calmed me down so well & it is truly beautiful:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3Jv1Hf2oCw